This year, it was all about Whitney Houston and Adele.
Poor Whitney, her death is a tragedy and a lesson in Don’t Do Drugs, but her version of “I Will always Love You” is still an abomination. Each ascending refrain is like a dental drill in your ear canal. Rest in Peace, girl.
L.L. Cool J was a boring host but I’d have sex with him if necessary. Bruno Mars gave a dynamic performance but the song was a mess. Rihanna writhed around like a prostitute, as usual. The Foo Fighters won an award for their bombastic rock anthem. Katy Perry looked crazy and sang a bitter break-up song. She did some kind of acrobatic thing, but all I can say is, She’s no Pink.
Fergie looked hideous beyond belief in a see-through day-glow dress. The guy who punched Rihanna won an award and thanked god most of all. Nicki Minaj did a long histrionic act that made no sense and freaked me out. If you have any clue what it meant, let me know.
That awful Taylor Swift sang another song about a Mean Boyfriend and dressed like a farmgirl.
Lady Gaga was mercifully absent from the stage, tricked out in a stupid pseudo-eccentric outfit with a veil and walking stick. When Nicki Minag arrived with some guy in a Pope costume, she must have been furious.
Adele. Adele. Adele. Glorious in every way, she sang flawlessly and her hand motions killed it. She is the most adorable person in the world. Karl Lagerfeld can kiss her ass. She received a heartfelt standing ovation that seemed to say, Thank you so much for being a real singer and a class act! Unlike Carrie Underwood, who ruined a duet with Tony Bennett.
Jennifer Hudson had the job of paying tribute to Whitney Houston and ended her song when she couldn’t hit the high note. Her skin was beautiful on my new Sony TV.
Paul McCartney proved that he won’t go away, ever. He ended his Beatles medley with a great guitar jam: Bruce Springsteen, Dave Grohl, and two other guys took turns on solos that reminded us of the days before auto-tune and pro-tools.
There it is! Did I forget anything?