2012 Grammy Awards Exegesis

This year, it was all about Whitney Houston and Adele.

Poor Whitney, her death is a tragedy and a lesson in Don’t Do Drugs, but her version of “I Will always Love You” is still an abomination. Each ascending refrain is like a dental drill in your ear canal. Rest in Peace, girl.

L.L. Cool J was a boring host but I’d have sex with him if necessary. Bruno Mars gave a dynamic performance but the song was a mess. Rihanna writhed around like a prostitute, as usual. The Foo Fighters won an award for their bombastic rock anthem. Katy Perry looked crazy and sang a bitter break-up song. She did some kind of acrobatic thing, but all I can say is, She’s no Pink.

Fergie looked hideous beyond belief in a see-through day-glow dress. The guy who punched Rihanna won an award and thanked god most of all.   Nicki Minaj did a long  histrionic  act that made no sense and freaked me out. If you have any clue what it meant, let me know.

That awful Taylor Swift sang another song about a Mean Boyfriend and dressed like a farmgirl.

Lady Gaga was mercifully absent from the stage,   tricked out in a stupid pseudo-eccentric outfit with a veil and walking stick.   When Nicki Minag arrived with some guy in a Pope costume, she must have been furious.

Adele. Adele. Adele. Glorious in every way, she sang flawlessly and her hand motions killed it.   She is the most adorable person in the world. Karl Lagerfeld can kiss her ass.   She received a heartfelt standing ovation that seemed to say, Thank you so much for being a real singer and a class act!   Unlike Carrie Underwood, who ruined a duet with Tony Bennett.

Jennifer  Hudson had the job of paying tribute to Whitney Houston and ended her song when she couldn’t hit the high note.   Her skin was beautiful on my new Sony TV.

Paul McCartney proved that he won’t go away, ever. He ended his Beatles medley with a great guitar jam: Bruce Springsteen, Dave Grohl, and two other guys took turns on solos that reminded us of the days before auto-tune and pro-tools.

There it is! Did I forget anything?

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31 Responses to “2012 Grammy Awards Exegesis”

  1. Debbie Says:

    Great recap! I didn’t see the entire show and missed the red carpet. Agree with “I Will Always Love You” … they’ve already played it to death and I can’t stand it. Although I’m with you, RIP Whitney. So sad. Did see Carrie Underwood and Tony Bennett. You’re absolutely correct. She can sing … but not with Tony Bennett.
    Thanks Sister Wolf.
    Deb

  2. Madame Fifi Says:

    I didn’t watch any of it (I forgot) but I knew that someone would be singing “I Will Always Love You”. Poor Whitney, forever in our hearts etc etc, but if I never ever hear her droning, soulless version of that song again I will die happy.

  3. mimi Says:

    i LOLed at bon iver winning ‘best new act’ or whatever, considered they’ve been around for 5 years or so!

  4. mimi Says:

    *considering – apologies for the typo!

  5. Andra Says:

    I haven’t been able to turn my TV on since I heard the “sad” news about Ms. H.
    They keep playing that god-awful screeching noise over and over.
    My delicate ears just can’t deal with it.

  6. Make Do Style Says:

    Adele, Adele, Adele. Perfect!

  7. annemarie Says:

    Yes to Whitney. She had a great voice but she was an awful singer. Unlike many other people who are great singers in spite of having weak voices (Leonard Cohen, Cat Power….me) (joking!).

  8. Juri Says:

    I seem to have missed another chance to see Paul McCartney and His Jowls perform. Thank you, Jesus.

  9. Kimberley Says:

    Dolly Parton (who is raking it in this week) sang “I will Always Love you” so sadly and sweetly, very touching.
    Juri- I’d much rather see Sir Paul jowly (and alive!) than with a silly face lift.

  10. K-Line Says:

    I couldn’t have said this better myself. Perfect retelling. Wish I hadn’t wasted 3 hrs of my life on it.

  11. Winterbird Says:

    Alicia Keys sang off key during the Etta James tribute and as usual, Bonnie Raitt was flawless.

  12. Stina Says:

    I don’t know who most of these people are but Adele’s makeup is beautiful, especially her red lipstick.

  13. Bevitron Says:

    I saw but did not hear the show since I had the sound muted and was busy with other things, but it seems like you nailed it, sister. Somehow or other the sound got turned on just as that Nicky person got started, and all I could do was stare and repeat what in hell, what in hell, what in hell, etc. Then I muted it again. Does anybody know what that was about? Was it supposed to be about anything?

    I agree wholeheartedly that Whitney H. had a great voice but was not gifted as a singer. To me, she always lacked musicality. Who was it – Joan Baez? – some folkie, I think, who tore her a new one once when she said Whitney was an irresponsible bimbo (or something) because she had this incredible vocal equipment but chose to sing horrific pop crap. I guess old Joan would’ve had her singing The Great Mandala at every appearance. I don’t know if I could’ve handled hearing that.

    Anyhow since you’ve done this report I feel like I saw the whole thing unmuted. Thank you!

  14. Taylor Says:

    I just want to know if any human being alive is more annoying than Nicki Minaj.

  15. Sister Wolf Says:

    Taylor – Duh, Lady Gaga!

  16. Jill Says:

    I love your recaps!

  17. Dru Says:

    Lady Gaga looked like a wannabe Susan Sto Helit to me. I mean, look at this: http://www.deviantart.com/download/92351082/Susan_Sto_Helit_by_eeza.jpg

    (artist’s impression of Susan. The film version was played by the flawless Michelle Dockery, who’s now better-known for Downton Abbey)

  18. Dru Says:

    (and this is Michelle Dockery as Susan. http://www.savonsanomat.fi/multimedia/dynamic/00117/1512p__kuva_117425b.jpg – don’t tell me you don’t see the likeness)

  19. Peggy Says:

    You so make Laugh while I’m killing my yoga buzz at Starbucks! Thank you for your cynicism.

  20. MJ Says:

    I still don’t know who or what Nicki Minaj is. Is she a she or a he, and does he/she sing? Rap? Act? I truly am to old and lame to know.

    I love Adele.

  21. Aja Says:

    With the exception of Adele, it’s safe to say I hate them all. Glad I skipped this.

  22. That's Not My Age Says:

    Excellent round-up. Adele is ace, and I’d rather look like her than like a prostitute (Rihanna) or a mentalist (Gaga/Minaj).

  23. Witch Moma Says:

    LOVED Bonnie Raitt, need to hear more from her.

  24. Andra Says:

    Check out a young star from Cairns – Rhys Tolhurst.

    You heard it here first, folks!

  25. Trish Says:

    Glen Campbell and the Beach Boys also performed for those who missed the show. Campbell is quite brave to have announced his diagnosis of Alzheimers and then go on to continue performing.

  26. kate Says:

    apparently after this show a lot of kids were tweeting “who tf is paul mccartney?”

  27. Sister Wolf Says:

    Trish – Yep, thank you for pointing this out.

  28. Sister Wolf Says:

    kate – My teenager told me about this! I want to think it was a joke.

  29. drollgirl Says:

    i liked the glen campbell part the best. seriously. i kind of liked hearing his songs again. and i was relieved that nobody was mean to him.

  30. Deena Says:

    Thats Not My Age- I wish I could “like” your comment. I am so sick of seeing Rhianna writhe around in hooker garb. I just want her to put some clothes on and get some class.

  31. Hammie Says:

    Paul McCartney = my Dad in jeans

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