Archive for April, 2012

Goodbye to Levon Helm

Sunday, April 29th, 2012

If you don’t love the Band, you’re not a lover of music. Whatever genres you prefer, there is simply no denying the gorgeous soulful freewheeling and majestic sound of the Band, from Big Pink and the Basement tapes onward. Listening to the Band’s second  album  was a form of time travel, taking you to the civil war and creating an aching nostalgia for a time you never knew.

I loved all their voices. When we lost Richard Manuel to suicide, it was a terrible shock. When Rick Danko died, I knew it was the real end of the band. I once tried to say hi to him in a small club, but a security guy pushed me out of the way. Rick looked a little nuts that night, and sang alone next to a boombox playing the Band’s music. But his voice was as plaintive as ever. It was an honor to see him.

Back in the day, I saw the Band perform at the Royal Albert Hall. They had just started playing when my sister was  seized  with violent stomach cramps and I had to go with her to the ladies room. I could hear the band singing while she tried to throw up. It was taking forever and I didn’t want to miss “Unfaithful Servant.”

I had to take charge. “Okay”, I said to her.” Think about raw eggs. Think about dead birds on toast.” She threw up and we ran back to our seats. The show was fantastic.

The next time I saw the Band, they were playing with Dylan at the Forum in Los Angeles. I went with my former husband. As we took our seats, a guy next to me graciously offered me a joint. Soon, I was on another planet, ecstatic throughout the entire concert. Walking to the car, I remember floating slightly above the ground.

The Band has always been there for me. Their music will endure but saying goodbye to Levon Helm is really rough. He was a man who just wanted to play music and  tried  his best not to give in to cancer.

“Whispering Pines” is one of my favorite Band songs, a bittersweet mournful ballad that pierces your heart with its beautiful soaring harmonies. There is longing but also a sense of acceptance. I hope Levon has reached the other side and he’s saving a place for me.

My New Name

Thursday, April 26th, 2012

I was thrilled to receive this email today, and considered it a lucky omen of some kind to be called “Lard-Desha.” Isn’t it wonderful? I’m hoping it’s not some derivation of “Lard Ass,” which would confirm my worst fears about my body.

Just today, I tried on some jeans and asked my friend if it gave me a flattering butt. I also grilled the sales assistant on Levis’ new coded jeans. “Slight curve” means a boyish shape, while “Supreme curve” means enormous hips. I think they should make an even “curvier” model and call it Lard-Desha.

What image does Lard-Desha evoke for you? A belly-dancer? A check-out girl at Target wearing huge name-plate earrings? Or this:

Maybe one day Kardashian will become a descriptive word like “gargantuan.”   Or perhaps Kim would like to change her name to Lard-Desha!

Too bad, Kim. Lard-Desha is taken now and I’m not giving it up.

Mitt Romney: What a Fucking Cunt™!

Friday, April 20th, 2012

On a campaign stop in Pittsburgh, Mitt Romney sat down at a picnic table with some locals who offered him a plate of cookies. His reaction was to ridicule the cookies, observing prissily that they looked like they came from a 7-11 store.

Can’t this cunt act normal for one goddamned minute?!?

Eat the cookies, motherfucker!

More video and analysis  here.

Enough With the Orange

Monday, April 16th, 2012

I didn’t need Pantone to tell me their choice for Color of the Year. There has been nothing but orange around for months. You can call it Tangerine Tango or whatever you want, but it’s still orange and we don’t need so much of it.

Try looking for a red t-shirt, for example. A few weeks ago, I went to every store in a big mall, trying to find one. All the sales people led me to something orange, explaining that this was “the new color.”   Each time, I insisted on red, declaring in a bossy voice that “Red is a neutral.” I vowed to boycott orange,  although  I nearly caved to an overpriced t-shirt by  James  Perse that was a deep orange I will call “persimmon.”

I also looked at some jeans called “lipstick” even though they were orange.   Today, my husband took me to a huge Nordstrom which stimulates my endorphins no matter how depressed I am. We recently saw Jermaine Jackson there in the cosmetics department, clearly high on his own endorphins.

Everything was orange! It was an assault. It’s like a military take-over by orange. Even the nice sales assistant, Amanda, agreed that there was an orange “domination” underway.   I tried on some dark blue jeans but to my horror they were not skinny jeans but “skinny legging jeans.” It’s a slippery slope to “jeggings,” I believe.

Here is a dress I bought last year, thinking it was “coral” when in fact it is a salmon pink (and not this hot pink in real life.) As you can see, I am right on trend with lace. You could even say that I started the trend, all by myself. I am thankful that it isn’t actually coral, which is a shade of orange, just like mango, paprika, papaya, or god forbid, Tangerine Tango.


Wednesday, April 11th, 2012

I’m thinking of getting a version of this tattoo, just because it makes me smile. I can’t think of anything else to do with myself.

I am almost a vegetable. I stay up all night doing nothing. When I wake up, I do some more nothing. At 3 a.m. I like to watch a TV show called “Morning Joe,” where a loud Republican guy and a nice blonde woman sip coffee and bicker about politics. At this point, I think of them as friends.

I’m reading a book called “Seven Choices: Taking the Steps to a New Life After Losing Someone You love.” I don’t like any of the choices. I’m nearly at the end, at the part where you commit to being a new person with a future you care about.

Easter was difficult. I used to love making baskets for my boys. Max believed in the Easter Bunny for an  unusually  long time. This year, I   forced everyone to listen to my story about driving Max somewhere with his friends, who were impressed with his new Motley Crue   record.   One of them asked where he got it, and he answered: “The Easter Bunny.” No one challenged this. It was such a funny and sweet moment.

When I don’t write, it’s because I can’t stand to think or feel. I can still waste time at Tumblr though. Have a look, if you like. And get back to me about the tattoo.

The James Franco Project

Wednesday, April 4th, 2012

In his quest to annoy every living being, James Franco is set to portray Robert Mapplethorpe in an  upcoming  movie project.

He will also play Hugh Hefner and the Wizard of Oz in two movies currently in post-production. But you can’t fully appreciate his work until you’ve see him play Allen Ginsberg in “Howl.” Hearing him intone Ginsberg’s poetry in his thin nasal voice, you can almost detect the rustling sound of the poet spinning in his grave.

I hope to see James Franco play Hitler, Mao Zedong, Golda Meir, Emily Dickingson,  Napoleon, Isadora Duncan, Jack Kerouac, Miles Davis,  Florence  Nightingale, Salvador Dali, Maya Angelou,   Albert Einstein, and of course, The Holy Trinity.

I can even see him playing Patti Smith opposite his Robert Mapplethorpe!

Who would you like to see James Franco take on next?

The Crazy Mothers Club Vl

Monday, April 2nd, 2012