Stuck

I’m thinking of getting a version of this tattoo, just because it makes me smile. I can’t think of anything else to do with myself.

I am almost a vegetable. I stay up all night doing nothing. When I wake up, I do some more nothing. At 3 a.m. I like to watch a TV show called “Morning Joe,” where a loud Republican guy and a nice blonde woman sip coffee and bicker about politics. At this point, I think of them as friends.

I’m reading a book called “Seven Choices: Taking the Steps to a New Life After Losing Someone You love.” I don’t like any of the choices. I’m nearly at the end, at the part where you commit to being a new person with a future you care about.

Easter was difficult. I used to love making baskets for my boys. Max believed in the Easter Bunny for an  unusually  long time. This year, I   forced everyone to listen to my story about driving Max somewhere with his friends, who were impressed with his new Motley Crue   record.   One of them asked where he got it, and he answered: “The Easter Bunny.” No one challenged this. It was such a funny and sweet moment.

When I don’t write, it’s because I can’t stand to think or feel. I can still waste time at Tumblr though. Have a look, if you like. And get back to me about the tattoo.

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33 Responses to “Stuck”

  1. Heidi Says:

    Love the tattoo.

    Sorry you’re going through this. I kind of am as well. Inertia is so guilt-provoking, isn’t it?

  2. Ann Says:

    I love you xxoo

  3. Faux Fuchsia Says:

    Hang in there.

  4. JK Says:

    Egads Sister Wolf! You watch Morning Joe?

    I never miss it myself. Now that I know you’re watching, might you and I attempt some kinda communing thing?

    Might help the both of us.

  5. Richard Says:

    I think it would be great on a t-shirt. I’ve don’t have any ink. Deciding on a tattoo is like picking out wallpaper. You may like it today but may get tired of it in a few years. I’m sorry you’re stuck in the blues.

  6. Make Do Style Says:

    Petit garcon is big on the Easter Bunny too. I intend to keep this up for ever now after this post.
    It is inertia but remember there is no rush, you can’t make yourself unfeel or suddenly snap out of it.
    Peaks and troughs, peaks and troughs
    xx

  7. Stephanie Says:

    If you think it will quell the screaming,
    relentless voices in your head, get the tattoo
    as a daily reminder.
    Inky x’s
    Steph

  8. Debbie Says:

    So sorry you’re feeling sad and blue. Really and truly … I’m with Richard … maybe a T-shirt … I have been suffering from the same thing lately … I DO NOTHING ALL DAY LONG BUT VISIT BLOG SITES, PINTEREST, TUMBLR and basically waste the entire day which makes me feel like a worthless slug.

    My mother told me the Easter Bunny came in a helicopter. How she came up with this I have no idea but I totally believed it and couldn’t figure out how he fit all the Easter baskets in the skinny part of the helicopter.

    Sending love through the ether …

    XOXO
    Deb

  9. Cristine Says:

    I have a pin that says-I want: caffeine, painkillers & you to STFU. It would make a decent tattoo but things change. I’ll probably always need the painkillers though.
    My Mom (who is an amazing painter & in her 80′s) believes that creative people have to hit rock bottom before things change & they lose that inertia.
    I don’t know why specifically creative people. I don’t think artists neccesarily feel pain more deeply but they are able to express it better.
    & maybe through expressing it, it might just start to soften the pain just a bit.
    Like Make Do Style says, peaks & troughs…

  10. Andra Says:

    Come and visit me. I’ll make you laugh.

  11. thrift store lawyer Says:

    i always worry when so much time passes between posts. wishing you well.

  12. Deni Says:

    May I buy you a cup of joe Monday? There’a little serve-yourself coffee store just off of Lincoln.

  13. Madame Fifi Says:

    Feel better, Sister Wolf.

  14. james Says:

    Sending love! xo

  15. annemarie Says:

    I always worry when you don’t post in a while. I nearly signed up for Twitter the other day just so I could keep better tabs on you. I miss hearing about the flotsam traveling through your brain, your perspective on things, your humor, your intelligence. Keep living! We need you and love you! And write more! My days are always better when there is a Sister Wolf post to read.

    I love the tattoo.

    Should I sign up for Twitter?

  16. sarah.p Says:

    I worry too.

    I have read faithfully for years and barely ever commented, but yes: I worry, all the way over here in my Hackney flat.

    Hang in, Sister. Hang on. X

  17. patni Says:

    Take care Sister Wolf. I have been burning my eyes recently with a really terrible showtime show called gigolos. It features man whores and lots of really unappealing sex, and depilated male bodies. it might make you laugh.

  18. D.R. Says:

    I live in dread for what has already happened to you. It’s not natural for a child to precede in death, but it’s inevitable for some of us. And I wonder how I will go on, too…or whether I’ll be able. Hang tough….feel the warmth of people’s thoughts. I think you’re a wonderful writer. Forget the tattoo.

  19. summer adeline Says:

    Sorry juli and me haven’t made it over yet. We’re thinking next friday. Also, i like the tattoo and think you should totally go for it ;) love you mommy!!!

  20. regularstarfish Says:

    I think you should get the tattoo.

  21. Cricket9 Says:

    Oh Sister, I wish I could help in some real way…I send you a warm big hug from Canada.

  22. noodle Says:

    sending love and light… this too shall pass x

  23. Mo in KCMO Says:

    Oh, Sis: Struggling, all of us. Get the tat; by the time you tire of it, technology for removing it will be much improved. I am right there with annemarie: I love “hearing about the flotsam traveling through your brain, your perspective on things, your humor, your intelligence. Keep living! We need you and love you! And write more! My days are always better when there is a Sister Wolf post to read.” Never give up; never sell out. Mo

  24. dana Says:

    I work at a new place now, and there are two moms within a few offices of mine who’ve lost young adult sons, one to murder and another to suicide. Not that they talk about this. But their continued doing what must be done is astonishing and awe inspiring. Gods, I feel like I always leave these insensitive and useless comments. But you are awesome and I wish I could help.

  25. Bevitron Says:

    Oh Sister Wolf, what everybody has already said. You touch and move people with your insight and intelligence and humor, and have a way of always hitting the nail right on the head. Your hanging in there gives me hope, strange as it sounds, and I always want to hear about what’s going on with you. Always come back.

    I don’t like the tattoo, but if it feels right or gives you some comfort, go for it.

  26. Juri Says:

    I’ve never seen Morning Joe, as we can’t watch it here in the socialist Denmark, but as long as it makes you get up and live another day I’m glad it exists. We, especially I of the We crowd, need you and your posts. I’ve never cared for vegetables but if you are one I might consider becoming a vegan (plus did it hurt when you fell down from heaven and all those lines).

  27. Desiree Says:

    Get the tatt. It will remind you of this time in your life. The scars you wear inside live, grow and fester … a reminder of this pain could give you the strength you need right now. Big hugs xo

  28. Marky Says:

    I’ll be in LA for the entire month of June. The Good Ed and I rented a place. I can’t wait to see you. Let’s think of a month-long prank to perpetrate. I’m bringing the pugs.

  29. kate Says:

    i cannot think of a time or an age or a scenario when i would not be happy i had that tattoo, especially if it wasn’t in full view.
    i miss you when you’re away.

  30. Kellie Says:

    I wish I could do something beyond periodically sending you ugly and ridiculously priced shoes.

    I worry when you aren’t around, knowing you are sad, and despondent. And not a lot anyone can say or do will make it different.

    But know I love and appreciate you, and so do the remaining members of your family.

    xxx

  31. Marky Says:

    I don’t know if any of those books propose distraction as part of the grieving process, but they should. Periodically giving your mind a rest from pain and suffering seems like a good idea, right? Isn’t that why God created “30 Rock” and YouTube?

    I hate to think of you being so miserable. I think I’ve laughed harder with you than with anyone else on the planet. I’m serious. It seems wrong that you should suffer, and I’m sorry.

  32. Rosie Says:

    I’ve missed following everything that you say here, Sister Wolf. I wish to thank you for making me smile (or choke up) as I read over months of your writing just now. I had almost forgotten how completely awesome you are. Thanks for unknowingly giving me hope that there will always be something amusing to laugh about or something beautiful to wonder at, even when life makes no sense.

    With much love, Rosie.

  33. Your brother Says:

    What are you waiting for? Get it soon or I will!

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