My New Name

I was thrilled to receive this email today, and considered it a lucky omen of some kind to be called “Lard-Desha.” Isn’t it wonderful? I’m hoping it’s not some derivation of “Lard Ass,” which would confirm my worst fears about my body.

Just today, I tried on some jeans and asked my friend if it gave me a flattering butt. I also grilled the sales assistant on Levis’ new coded jeans. “Slight curve” means a boyish shape, while “Supreme curve” means enormous hips. I think they should make an even “curvier” model and call it Lard-Desha.

What image does Lard-Desha evoke for you? A belly-dancer? A check-out girl at Target wearing huge name-plate earrings? Or this:

Maybe one day Kardashian will become a descriptive word like “gargantuan.”   Or perhaps Kim would like to change her name to Lard-Desha!

Too bad, Kim. Lard-Desha is taken now and I’m not giving it up.

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21 Responses to “My New Name”

  1. Heinous Shrew Says:

    I would like to respectfully submit for consideration the idea that the “supreme curve” is not necessarily only for those with enormous hips, but also for those with an especially curvy rear end.

  2. Ann Says:

    Lard-Desha! You are the luckiest! Lard-Desha makes me think of a tall, heavyset woman in a flowing muu muu of some sort. I feel as though she would take zero shit from anyone and be very knowledgeable and authoritative on any number of subjects. It really IS your alter-ego, Sister!

  3. Sister Wolf Says:

    ann, could I also wear a turban??

  4. dexter vandango Says:

    Charlie Chan say, “Many men marry for an ass.. while many women married to an ass.. in any case, marriage stink..”

  5. Witch Moma Says:

    Way to make my day dexter v.

  6. Ann Says:

    Sister, of course you should wear a turban.

  7. Andra Says:

    I am immediately changing my name to Lard-Andra-Desha.
    It’s very catchy!
    But I just washed my hair so I won’t be wearing a turban today.
    And it’s too hot for anything other than a sarong here.

  8. Sister Wolf Says:

    Andra, a sarong works with that. Maybe a bindi too.

  9. JK Says:

    Probably only a half-assed comment Sister Wolf, suppose one must drive through the city’s main thoroughfare to really appreciate where the lard part comes into the equation. But if you’re truly interested, here’s where it is:

    http://forecast.weather.gov/MapClick.php?CityName=Desha&state=AR&site=LZK&textField1=35.736&textField2=-91.6781&e=0

  10. Cricket9 Says:

    Lard, lard. We Poles are very fond of lard – in the kitchen, but not only in the kitchen. Apparently, the French call J-Lo type of butt “la bombe polonaise”.

  11. Bevitron Says:

    High in a craggy Himalayan pass is the shrine of Lard-Desha, constructed entirely of Marie Claire magazines and unopened cans of Libby’s Vienna Sausages… or something like that. I don’t know.

  12. Jaimi Says:

    Bevitron…I’m laughing so hard I can’t laugh anymore.

  13. maki b podell Says:

    sounds like the mean girls from high school

  14. Sister Wolf Says:

    maki b podell – What does?

  15. Sam Says:

    I dont understand

  16. cantsay Says:

    Is that Kim’s misshapen ass? Pretty ug.

    Don’t need to be big but does need to at least be ROUND!?!

  17. Sandra Says:

    What’s wrong with that backside? I think it’s lovely. It’s shaped kind of like mine (currently my facebook profile picture: http://www.facebook.com/TopShelfBakery )

    Lard-Desha sounds like a misguided ethnic name. Like when people name their kids after different kinds of sausage without knowing it.

  18. Desiree Says:

    I can see the girls on the block notching up Lard-Desha for their next baby girl.

  19. WendyB Says:

    Just catching up — this is brilliant. Lard-Desha is a most excellent name.

  20. Dean Roberts Says:

    That is a great ass, the bigger the better in my book. When a women says, does my butt look big in this? the answer she should want to hear is, yes! it looks huge!!!!

  21. Dj Says:

    I have spent my entire post pubescent life trying to keep my butt in check godammit. These booty girls are hideous…like I say, photoshop the face of a gal who is 45 lbs overweight with a few moles and hag hairs on kim and voila…a village woman from Armenia…please..fat is fat is fat

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