The Real Truth About Tom and Katie

I just had an exclusive interview with myself and here’s what I learned:

Everything you read about Katie and Tom‘s divorce is coming directly to you out of someone’s ass! That’s right, and not long ago, it came from mine, too.

As a journalist for several glossy supermarket tabloids, I was able to deliver scoops about Tom and Katie’s personal lives nearly every week, simply by sitting quitely and channeling the two celebrities until I saw the exciting details in my mind’s eye.

I wrote exclusive scoops about Katie’s struggle for autonomy, Tom’s obsession with Brad Pitt, Suri’s nursery, and so much more. If you were a tabloid reader, you accepted these stoires as God’s truth because otherwise it wouldn’t be printed in a magazine! If you are a tabloid reader, or a consumer of celebrity gossip on any level, you are walking around thinking you know something about Brad and Angie, Jennifer Aniston, Madonna, or whoever, but you’re wrong. Nobody knows anything, but we keep making it up until it is common knowledge.

Whenever you see the words “According to a source,” replace them with “I am making this up.” Same with “An insider says,” “A close pal divulges,” and “A member of his/her inner circle reports.”

Of course, some of us journalists are better channelers than others. Once, when I channeled Janet Jackson, it made the crawl on CNN! Another time, I was able to divine what Katie gave Tom for Christmas: He had just completed work on that awful movie about the German war hero, so I thought she should get him “the complete leather-bound works of his favorite author, Goethe.”

Voila! Tom got the Goethe, to the delight of my friend Wendy and my Inner Circle. I had giddy fantasies of linking Jessica Simpson with Schopenhauer. I believe I, I mean Katie, also gave Tom a custom-made iPhone with his name engraved on it. Which is still nothing compared to the custom-made Chanel evening bag I once gave to Victoria Beckham, I mean David gave to her of course.

You can say I was a liar but you can’t fault my generosity.

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31 Responses to “The Real Truth About Tom and Katie”

  1. Hammie Says:

    Love. And that is why I no longer read gossip mags. (I never bought them but I read them for free in Supermarkets (when I could afford to shop) and the hairdressers (when I could afford to get my hair cut)

    Please make up some /fiction about celebs with explicit homoerotic sex scenes and we can package it as a modern stalker’s version of 50 shades. And you will be rich again!

  2. Mooolissa Says:

    Hillare. I cackled at this, Sister. I was reading US magazine this weekend, thinking “God, this just isn’t enjoyable anymore.” It really hit me, how all of it was petty gossip, and why did I care anyway about the lives of people who roll around on beds of money for fun. who take vacations that cost more than my annual salary? Tom Cruise should thank you for making him out to be such an intellectual. In reality, KH was probably buying him $5000 cufflinks, or other wasteful “Emporer has no clothes” dumb, status trinket.

  3. littlebadwolf Says:

    so, now, the important question: did tom get the goethe in the split settlement, or will jessica simpson be buying it at the ‘estate sale’?

  4. Slayer Says:

    “I just had an exclusive interview with myself” – please keep it up with these more frequent posts, you are awesome.

  5. dukespatula Says:

    KH gave that tiny strange man credibility. Where, what or how’s he gonna get it now?

  6. David Duff Says:

    There is only one question of real importance concerning ‘Midget’ Cruise and that is whether or not he was standing on a chair when he auditioned for the role of my (and every man’s) hero, Jack Reacher?

    Either that or or the casting director was a dwarf even smaller than ‘Midget’ Cruise.

    Or perhaps the Church of Latter-Night Non-Science Piffology threatened him if he didn’t cast their man.

    Come on, Sis, we need to know!

  7. Cricket9 Says:

    I think he was wearing a pair of these massive platforms so “in vogue” now. Casting Tom as Jack Reacher is an outrage :-(

  8. annemarie Says:

    You deserve a Pulitzer for making Madonna say “Gwyenth is my Rock.”

    My friend’s hairdresser told him that his friend runs a male escort agency in LA and he says that they are always sending dudes to the Cruise mansion. As far as I know, this is a proper “source.”

  9. Debbie Says:

    Your first sentence had me howling! OK. I was an avid tabloid reader for years and years. No longer indulge because I’m an old broad now and it doesn’t interest me anymore BUT I must say that the Enquirer broke lots of stories that turned out to be true. What’s your opinion on that?

    And IMHO I think Miss Katie didn’t want her daughter being raised in Scientology. It seems she was able to pull off what Tom did to Nicole. BLINDSIDE him. Whatever … my life is the same. Fifty-five, unemployed and still looking for a job.

    XOXO
    Deb

  10. patni Says:

    Please tell me it was you that thought up that vogue article where Madonna says in England they don’t read the newspapers, and all she does is hang out with sting and gwynie and play charades in their castle.

    I understand Madonna and Gwynnie pretending it was a few hundred years ago and they were Peers and not colonial upstarts, but Sting is English.

    If that was imagination, it was genius. if it was dementia it was a big medical problem.

  11. patni Says:

    I might give jessica the Vanity Fair. She might be a bit of a Becky Sharpe. But then… all of them are.

  12. David Duff Says:

    Well said, ‘Cricket9′, and it’s a double outrage when you realise that I was available for the role. Even a brief glimpse – and I know that actually you ladies like to linger over it – of the famous fashion shoot pic of me in Long Johns would show you how very suitable I am for the role of Jack Reacher:
    http://duffandnonsense.typepad.com/duff_nonsense/2011/01/david-duff-fashion-icon.html

  13. sonja Says:

    ahaha… here is THE BEST source for the truth…

    http://www.dlisted.com/2012/07/11/katie-holmes-stealth-ninja

  14. sonja Says:

    Have you ever thought of writing a ‘confessions of a tabloid journalist..’ type of book? That would sell big, I bet.

  15. stacy Says:

    If I become famous, can you pick out a hot boyfriend for me?
    I can’t wait to see what fabulous stuff he buys me ;)

  16. JK Says:

    Call you a liar SW?

    What, cause you’ve spoken out your ass?

    Say it ain’t so – everything’s beautiful coming from you. I know it cause I’ve peered at your beautiful colon!

  17. Juri Says:

    So there is hope! The “source” revealing Tom Cruise’s affair with Cher in the 80s was, in fact, somebody’s ass. This means that as soon as Cher finally answers my love letters, and we become the item we were destined to be, I don’t need to feel inadequate comparing myself with that giant hunk of a man.

  18. Suspended Says:

    The opening line killed me. Bwahahaha.

    I never believe anything I read about celebrities, yet sometimes I want to.

    Generally, I steer far away from that type of thing anyway, but I have to admit I have a slightly morbid fascination for the TomKat divorce. Maybe it’s the whole scientology aspect or the fact we all think she’s been ‘Sleeping with the enemy’. Or maybe it’s that the enemy’s been sleeping with David Beckham, hahaha. Quite possibly, I’m just in need of a slap to knock my ‘run Katie, run!’ mindset off.

    Anyway, great read as always Sister. xx

  19. Jaimi Says:

    Love it! Also, I feel like the creepiest creep for thinking Suri Cruise is pretty. I don’t even care particularly much about celebrities and am not really sure how I even know who Suri Cruise is. Usually when I see little kids, I’m like, ‘there’s a cute kid, there’s a not-so-cute kid, there’s a…kid, guess I’ll smile when they pass by or whatever,’ but I get this weird vibe from her that she’s actually a tiny adult. Either way, her mum dresses her really well — http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-17NNSj4z5yU/T7tA7vqL_HI/AAAAAAAAG-k/5B25j28h4jE/s1600/Picture+529.png. I feel weird taking styling inspiration from a 5 year old!

  20. Witch Moma Says:

    Love all this just as much as I hate Tom.
    Katie is Tom’s 3rd hired wife (correct?) and this is what intrigues me. Unfortunately, the kids are all just a by-product of the nuttiness.

  21. Make Do Style Says:

    1. do as Hammie says and make loads of money with fifty shades of interviews with myself.
    2. Will Tom get the Goethe or has Suri snaffled it already

  22. Make Do Style Says:

    PS what bag can I have in my celebrity life

  23. Miss Cavendish Says:

    My j-students always ask me how tabloids avoid libel in cases like this (obv. manufacturing an Xmas gift is not defamatory, but it *is* false. Or it could be defamatory if you wrote that Becks gave Victoria the new Vera Bradley tote). I tell them it’s because celebs can’t be bothered to sue over such small potatoes, plus no-one takes the tabs seriously (although this last statement may not be entirely accurate these days). May I “enquire” into your professional take?

  24. Sister Wolf Says:

    Miss Cavendish – Certain kinds of stories are considered “actionable:” If you say someone is a drug addict, has anorexia, they will sue. And the celebrities known to be litigious tend to be left alone more.

    Make DO – Well, what about a nice structured Ferragamo?

  25. Miss Cavendish Says:

    Thank you! xxx

  26. Jill Says:

    I’m with Sonja. A book is and excellent idea!

  27. ali Says:

    suri is so darn cute nothing else matters but her next outfit and kid heels

  28. Gorilla Bananas Says:

    Does attributing the information to “a source” give them some legal cover? They could say they got the information from some fellow pissing in a public lavatory who claimed to work for the Cruises.

  29. Lena fry Says:

    Nice one!!

  30. Lakota [Faith hope and Charity Shopping] Says:

    I have just come across this post – after trawling for TomKat posts for ooh, a month now – and am so glad my suspicions re tabloid journalism are correct. Although obviously here in the UK we don’t need to make up spurious sources, because we just tap into people’s voicemail.

    The Daily Mail is a regular tooth grindingly awful source of ‘Suri cries as Mum refuses her a puppy to make coats out of’ type stories. I swear I see that sulky child more often than my own children. And it’s the Summer holidays.

    I’ve taken it upon myself to audition some new wives for Tom though, if you’re interested.

    http://faithhopeandcharityshopping.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/mission-impossible-in-which-i-choose.html

  31. rosa Says:

    I am so happy that you were once a tabloid journalist who wrote this rubbish. I am always fascinated by these magazines and the constant repetition of utter nonsense written about Brad and Angelina, Posh and Becks, Tomcat etc, i stand in the supermarket queue reading the front pages and fuming to myself that a) some-one writes this stuff, b) that people believe this nonsense and most infuriating of all c) that I care! Some-one admitting that they wrote it and it is all made up, somehow makes me feel better about it all. And now I am feeling self-conscious of my spelling, punctuation and general writing style.

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