Archive for August, 2012

The Holey T-Shirt Mystery

Wednesday, August 22nd, 2012

I don’t want a t-shirt with holes, but I have around 50 of them anyway. All the holes are in the same place: on the front, a little below the waist.

Last year, a friend told me that she had the same problem and I was amazed by her analysis of it: The holes were caused by the zippers of our low-cut jeans. Looking back, I can’t believe I went along with this. It sounded so brilliant at the time, and it was nice to solve the mystery.

At some point, I realized that it wasn’t about zippers. More and more of my t-shirts sprouted the same tiny holes. And the holes are multiplying but staying roughly in the same place. Sitting in the car with my husband yesterday, I noticed a hole in one of my newer t-shirts and cursed. I explained the phenomenon, and joked that maybe it was my belly button. Maybe I have a toxic belly button! My son suggested that maybe it emits radioactive waves.

I decided to google “why are there holes in my t-shirts,” and landed on a forum where people discussed the holey t-shirt mystery. Their theories ranged from logical to absurd. Seatbelts, third-world shoddiness, kitchen counters, harsh laundry soap, the theories were offered up and then shot down by other commenters.

Finally, I came to this revelation:

Silverfish. They eat ONLY cotton and similar vegetable based natural fabrics such as rayon, they especially eat clothing that hasn’t been recently washed. They eat mostly around the bottom of the shirt because of oils and dirt from your belly button sticking to the fabric.

The “oils and dirt” from my belly button?!? Silverfish?!?

I googled silverfish and found an eco friendly product to kill them with. I can’t even think about my belly button.

Paul Ryan: What a Fucking Cunt™!

Wednesday, August 15th, 2012

Oh, snap! After insisting that his obsession with Ayn Rand is an “urban legend,” a tape has surfaced in which Ryan gushes about Ayn Rand’s philosophy:

“It’s inspired me so much that it’s required reading in my office for all my interns and my staff. We start with Atlas Shrugged.”

What an asshole. Ayn Rand? What is he, sixteen?

And then to lie about it when he’s on record, again and again, of revering her! He had to denounce Ayn Rand because Catholics don’t like her atheism. Look for Ryan to become more rabidly Catholic as the Republican convention draws near.

Anyone who makes his interns read Atlas Shrugged is not only a moron but a fucking heartless cunt.

 

 

Gallery Girls: Feel the Hate

Monday, August 13th, 2012

Gallery Girls is a great way to feel better abut yourself no matter how awful you are.

The latest reality ick-fest by Bravo TV, Gallery Girls follows the pointless lives of some tragically deluded young women seeking a place in the uppity world of New York art galleries. The word “art” is used very loosely here. One of the girls knows what “collage” means but that’s as far as their art knowledge goes.

The main thing is to hate the girls, and the main one to hate is Chantal. She is a truly horrible girl who needs to die ASAP. Presumably she has been told to play up her obnoxiousness but nothing could redeem her short of severing her vocal chords.

There seems to be a conflict between blonds and brunettes and lower Eastside versus upper Westside (or vice versa.) Since I don’t live in New York, I don’t know the significance of lower, upper, East or West. The blonds seem less pretentious, except for the one who always has to wear fur, even under a fur coat.

There’s an awful Asian girl who likes to pose nude and talk about her “pussy.” Her parents deserve our sympathy and a witness protection program.

The girls like to bitch about each other and they all talk like their mouths are full of marbles. Every statement is a question? Because that’s the kind of girls they are?

I went to the Bravo site to look for a picture and was directed to “like” the Gallery Girls on Facebook. The comments there are unanimously derisive, which makes me feel a glimmer of hope.

Let me put it this way: Gallery Girls comes close to giving red lipstick a bad name.  Please just take it away.

As if.

Wednesday, August 8th, 2012

This skirt makes me want to kill myself.

But wait. Here is the rear view:

“A patchwork of True Religion denim forms this flowing, vintage-inspired maxi skirt. Slant hip pockets detail the front, and inky-blue pocket shadows darken the back.”

Putting aside the atrocity of the actual skirt, I’m not happy with “darken the back.” Can anyone correct this? Ruin the back? Spoil the back?

$332 at Shopbop

Word Usage: Count the Crimes

Friday, August 3rd, 2012

Here’s a beaded cat-ear headband for $1,290 at net-a-porter, but that’s not the problem.

Here’s the description:

There are so many things wrong in this one paragraph! I counted six word crimes, and you may find that I passed some over in a fleeting moment of generosity.

My favorite is “a set of bold red lips.”  Who has a “set” of lips? Not me. Would a “pair” of lips be better, or is it wiser to just assume that everyone has two lips, as opposed to a single lip or a trio of lips?  If these are the notes of an editor, god help us.

Would anyone like to try making the editor’s notes even worse? (hint: I noticed they omitted  the word “sans,” which is usually a hallmark of this kind of crap.)

Did anyone find more than six grating word crimes? Show your work.