Word Usage: Count the Crimes

Here’s a beaded cat-ear headband for $1,290 at net-a-porter, but that’s not the problem.

Here’s the description:

There are so many things wrong in this one paragraph! I counted six word crimes, and you may find that I passed some over in a fleeting moment of generosity.

My favorite is “a set of bold red lips.”  Who has a “set” of lips? Not me. Would a “pair” of lips be better, or is it wiser to just assume that everyone has two lips, as opposed to a single lip or a trio of lips?  If these are the notes of an editor, god help us.

Would anyone like to try making the editor’s notes even worse? (hint: I noticed they omitted  the word “sans,” which is usually a hallmark of this kind of crap.)

Did anyone find more than six grating word crimes? Show your work.

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27 Responses to “Word Usage: Count the Crimes”

  1. Liz!! Says:

    Wow in your party portfolio.
    Wow in your party portfolio.
    Wow in your party portfolio.
    Wow in your party portfolio.
    Wow in your party portfolio.

    I am unable to identify the exact word crimes because my head just exploded, but that phrase HAS to have at least six.

    And now I think my own post does, too. Fucking net-a-porter.

  2. Cricket9 Says:

    Oh, so Maison Michel has a “penchant”, eh? It creates for “style mavens”, no less?
    I have a very strong penchant to kick the copy writer dans le derriere, or maybe les couilles.
    By the way – faceted resin beads = plastic beads, trust me.

  3. Kellie Says:

    I cant get beyond the “Paris based milliner” who thinks sparkly cat ear headbands are worth more than the $5.00 they charge for them at Claires.
    I am actually pained at this post, and how people will buy this crap, and not notice a dent in their wallet.
    Its almost 2 months of rent for me.
    Going to go hide under my bed now.

  4. kate Says:

    hang on – the cat ear headband is next in line. for… the penchant the millinery has? the millinery – like, the whole building. whatever, it doesn’t matter that the sentence makes no sense. all the style mavens need the headband no matter what. when you corner the cat ear headband market, bad copy does not concern you.

  5. Jolene Says:

    Oh wow! I can only imagine that their target market is neither particularly literate nor particularly intelligent. Bad copy probably doesn’t even register. Who would buy this, really?

  6. Bevitron Says:

    I demand to speak to an advisor! I don’t want a playful cat-ear headband that’s in line for creating accessories, I want one that’s creating accessories RIGHT NOW! And I’m not so sure I want it wowing in my portfolio of parties – I worked hard on that thing. Style advice, stat – do I team it or save it? Make up your mind. I’m not letting any set of lips wear my twelve hundred dollar headband!

  7. Lisa Says:

    First there was that Olympia whatsherface making these $2000 hand-made in France book clutches (which are amazing and I would love to have one) and now there’s Halloween costume accessories being sold for $1200?!?!?!?!
    I think everyone on etsy got it wrong. They need to move to Paris and convince a fashion person to crave for their $5000 hand-made tea cosies.

  8. Madam Restora Says:

    I think net-a-porter are outsourcing their copywriting to China.

  9. Debra Says:

    I think whoever purchases this thing will team it with barely -there sanity, save for a set of bold red lips just like Baby Jane Hudson.

  10. Patricia Says:

    To me, the greatest crime was the price. I am all for investing in versatile, good quality items from time to time, but this is just a monstruosity.

  11. Suspended Says:

    These are the guys that make all of Chanel’s headwear. Mr. Lagerfeld even shot their latest look-book.

    Net-a-porter have given the headband an air of home crafting. Very unfortunate for Maison Michel, given that they have great artistic skill. This piece really isn’t an example of that skill. Easy money?

  12. Sister Wolf Says:

    Madam Restora – Hahahahaha

  13. Sister Wolf Says:

    Bevitron – We should call that advisor and tape the conversation.

  14. Sister Wolf Says:

    Liz! – It sounds dirty.

  15. O D Y S S E Y Says:

    I played the role of a black cat at a haunted house when I was twelve or so, and (prepare yourself) I had to MAKE my OWN EARS. I know. I was very deprived. If only this playful headband had been around back then! Maybe I could have saved all my tooth fairy money and my allowance and profits from selling mud pies and…
    Seriously, though, I don’t know about the rest of you but I’m suspicious of anything that claims to “wow in my party portfolio”.

  16. Alicia Says:

    @Madam Restora – HAHAHAHA!

    Although…that is plausible. I was listening to This American Life and apparently, that very thing is happening with some smaller newspapers around the country.

    *sheds a single tear*

  17. patni Says:

    I am not sure I want anyone wowing my party portfolio. It sounds like what the young gentlemen sometimes propose to me on OKCupid.

  18. regularstarfish Says:

    It looks like something Jane would wear.

  19. Debra Says:

    They forgot to say how it was “curated”.

  20. patni Says:

    Set of lips is utterly stupid, but is it more or less stupid than saying a red lip?

  21. Sister Wolf Says:

    patni – It’s more stupid, but less sickening (using complicated calibrations here!)

  22. annemarie Says:

    Kellie:
    Clever girl, you auto-corrected one of the mistakes: “Paris based milliner.” It actually said millinery! That’s like saying “a painting by art Jackson Pollock” instead of “a painting of artist Jackson Pollock.”

    These cat-ears make me feel stupid. I feel that somewhere there are a bunch of men chortling at the idea that some rich ladies will willfully spend this much money to dress like a 7 year old girl.

  23. Ann Says:

    STYLE MAVEN

    I can’t contribute to this post because my brain stopped working at that phrase.

  24. Marky Says:

    BY FAR the most ridiculous piece of shit I’ve ever seen.

    Fuck any “Style Maven” that would even vaguely consider buying this.

  25. Madame Fifi Says:

    Regularstarfish, hahahahaha! I thought the same thing.

  26. Leslie Says:

    And have you ever noticed how many times net-a-porter recommends accessorizing their outfits with “molten” jewellery or “vertiginous heels”? Delighted to discover your site. Thanks for the laugh.

  27. Miss Cavendish Says:

    I made one of those for Halloween the other year. Not beaded, but still. Cost: about $3.

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