Gwyneth, Enough Already!

aww, poor gwyneth is embarrassed

I know it’s not very interesting to hate Gwyneth, but how can one ignore her this week? It’s like she WILL NOT REST until every single person on earth detests her. Is her work done yet? If not, we’re getting very, very close.

Today’s revelation (for me, anyway) is that she advises women in troubled relationships to stop fighting and give their man a blowjob instead. Really, Einstein? You think that might work?

What a fucking imbecile. I love the pictures of her feigned embarrassment even more than I love that awful see-through dress she wore recently. But not as much as I love the time she tweeted something like “niggas all in Paris!” to indicate her down-ness.

There is so much to love, i.e. hate, that it’s almost redundant, like denouncing Hitler. Wait. Am I comparing Gwyneth to Hitler?! Sure, see Godwin’s Law. But if you need to catch the latest Iron Man movie and your revulsion for Gwyneth is getting in the way, ┬áhere’s a guide to putting things in perspective.

I don’t need to see Iron Man, so I’m good.

If you believe you were at the forefront of the anti- Gwyneth movement, let’s hear about it! (If you don’t hate Gwyneth, you shouldn’t be here at all, just leave quietly.)

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23 Responses to “Gwyneth, Enough Already!”

  1. Thoas Says:

    Stop thinking about Gwyneth, once she rediscovers Breatharianism she’ll be out of commission for good.

    You’re much more fabulous anyway: http://mercythesaints.tumblr.com/post/47280347958.

  2. Sam Says:

    So it’s not just me then?

  3. Srenna Says:

    Thank you. I’ve always thought I should loathe this woman but something in her crinkly-eyed nerd smile prevented me from doing so. The N***s in Paris comment almost put me there, but then no one seemed to care that she shouldn’t have said it, so I promptly forgot about it. BTW, she and N.W.A. go way back and she can rap their songs on command.

    OMG. She’s really fucking annoying.

    I am in a period where I am actually feeling the burden of having been born into something that I will describe as the opposite of privilege. I had to put myself through college, am just finishing up my master’s and now sort of understand that my problems are just growing (will I get a job, ever pay of debt, ever get my own place?). The stress of my life is catching up with me. It is impossible to relax.

    Does anyone besides those who are born wealthy and the unscrupulous ever get ahead in this world? I don’t even want much, really.

    This dry, itchy, and privileged Valkyrie-looking alpha-female really needs to visit every circle of hell.

    In other words, yes. I think her work is done.

  4. dede Says:

    you had me at “Apple”. what a douche.

  5. Liz!! Says:

    I always think that there’s nothing new to be said about Gwyneth…

    But yet my blood boils and an evil grin appears when anyone comments on this woman — it feels new to me every time, despite the same Goop criticisms and certain quotes being posted over and over and over again. My hate for her is unparalleled.

  6. Cricket9 Says:

    She’s far, far too skinny for a Walkyrie, Srenna!
    One of many good things about living in a small town in Ecuador is, nobody here gives a fuck about Gwyneth – and if anyone does, they keep it to very much to themselves.

  7. David Duff Says:

    Weeeeeell, yeeeeees, you’re sort of right, of course, she is, according to all reports exceedingly, er, brain-challenged but let’s not rush to judgment, I mean, well, “she advises women in troubled relationships to stop fighting and give their man a blowjob instead”, so she can’t be all bad, can she?

  8. Madam Restora Says:

    If there is any woman who has more time and money to spend on herself, would she please step forward, for I do not believe such a woman exists, and this people, is why we detest Gwyneth. She personifies the obscenities of outrageously unbalanced privilege in the First World.

  9. Andi Says:

    This post and all comments except for David’s have made my life. Long live Ecuador.

  10. life is a shoe Says:

    she has been rather in-you-face lately. and getting irritating

  11. David Duff Says:

    Andi . . . what did I say . . . what did I say . . .?

  12. D.R. Says:

    Another tired topic…a disproportionately covered story. She’s irrelevant. But I do enjoy your blog so much, SW.

  13. deb* Says:

    Gwyneth and Coldplay – a match made in heaven

  14. Andra Says:

    Everyone’s going to Ecuador!

  15. Helena Says:

    Madam Restora,

    There’s the Kardashians! And they just won’t go away!

  16. Thebettie Says:

    Gwyneth is mayonnaise.

  17. Cricket9 Says:

    Maybe it’s different in Quito, but where I am – in six months I did not hear a word about Gwyneth, Kardashians, what’s “trending”, or any of the irritating crap that I can’t think of right now. See – I forgot the irritating crap!
    I also don’t have a car, I walk every day, I’ve lost at least one size without dieting. Yeah, Ecuador rocks!

  18. Cricket9 Says:

    I forgot to add: even if you are 120, but still recognizable as a woman, the men will flirt with you and complement you. In a a nice, not creepy way.

  19. Sister Wolf Says:

    Cricket9 – I’m in!

  20. JK Says:

    Have to admit Gwyneth is wearing thin on me – however, given her family values, might anyone know if she has an unmarried sister?

  21. Debbiee Says:

    The Princess of Hollywood … and as for that ridiculous pink thing she wore when she won the Oscar, she should have had implant surgery first. Everyone one raved about that gown and it looked like shit.

  22. Jaimi Says:

    Ecuador sounds really lovely.

    Rebecca Harrington’s article about trying her diet is hilarious and the first thing that made me laugh in like, a week: http://nymag.com/thecut/2013/05/i-tried-gwyneths-diet-and-got-a-rash-on-my-face.html

  23. Monica Says:

    OK I’m on board. But how do you get more annoying than what’s her name from Dharma and Greg?? You know, the blonde psycho scientologist radical? Sadly, even though I’m on my computer, I’m not motivated enough to google her name for this post, and besides, I think that fact in and of itself adds emphasis to her irrelevancy.

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