Rating Douches

Douchetrio

Douches are easy to come by, but look how special they are when you have three. See here to refresh your memory.

Here’s a good one I found last week:

Douche of the Day

 

By ‘good’ I mean fulfilling most of the requirements, although he lacks a beard and those things in his ear-holes.

I’d like to have a point system for rating douches, like hunters have for deer, with 10 being the perfect score.

Neck tettoo
Beard
Shaved back of the head
Cigarette
Ear plug or septum ring
Sullen expression
Knuckle tattoo

Shit! That’s only seven. What attributes am I missing? Or should a full beard get extra points?

Please help. It’s for science.

 

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26 Responses to “Rating Douches”

  1. Heidi Says:

    Full beard definitely qualifies for extra points. Have you seen those dickhead hipsters now sporting Taliban cleric scraggly beards? Assholes. That’s worth 5 douchebag points alone.

    Also: Atheltic hat. Dead, total drophead douche giveaway, and:
    Full shaved head, but maybe the douchebag nitwits from Denmark are the only ones who still do this, being behind social trends and all.

  2. Sam I Am Says:

    Top of Jocks – visible.
    Top of pubic hairline – visible.
    Looking like lots of other people but walking around like you are one of a kind.
    Stupid hat on a jaunty angle.
    Tood.

    ……….you’ve hit a nerve sister.

  3. Suspended Says:

    Hair with comb tracks
    prepubescent boy body
    Aspirations of one day owning a motorcycle

  4. Dana Says:

    Baseball caps sideways
    Waxed Mustaches
    Jackets without shirts

    Done!

  5. Romeo Says:

    I’m not certain that these fellows are douches, but they all sport a heavy application of “hair product” without which one cannot be a douche.

    These guys look more like hipsters who beat women.

  6. Beth Says:

    I think my definition of what a douche is is a little different.

    I saw a picture of a shirtless man with a mustache (one curly at the ends), wearing a rosary, and looking over it all. I felt homicidal for the first time in my life. He is my uberdouche, my measure for everything.

    All I’m going to say is that the American Apparel website provides me with a plethora of perfect 10s. Dead eyes, mustaches, v-necks, wifebeaters, casually posing with a cigarette in every fucking photo (plus points for hookah), mustaches, the need to be shirtless all the time, mustaches.

    Another type of douche would include — Ed Hardy anything. Anything Ed Hardy and I think they automatically deserve a 10. Ripoff Ed Hardy, an 11.

    I love beards, so I am hesitant to add them to my personal douche list. But the guys I love are generally blue-collar guys who have great beards, none of this 20-something hipster shit.

  7. Darque Says:

    …and just like that you have covered most of the male pictures posted on Tumblr. haha! Perfection. But since you want a 10 point system I guess you could add “soul patch/flavor saver, “snake bites”, and ripped hardcore band tees.

  8. andrea Says:

    You should come to Brooklyn, NY. There are more there than you could count!

  9. Marky Says:

    I hate to say it, but selvedge jeans and big cuffs on those jeans.

  10. Kellie Says:

    Fedoras with non vintage outfits
    Suspenders
    Ear plugs
    Soul patch
    Flip flops or those Tods shoes-no socks.
    Also, they nealry always are “musicians” or “dj’s”

    Ugh

  11. Sister Wolf Says:

    Okay. We have a consensus on stupid hats (baseball caps, fedoras, whatever)

    Sockless is good.

    Exposed abdomen, yep.

    So that’s ten points.

    If you see a good ten-pointer, send to sisterwolf666@gmail and I will post them.

  12. Sister Wolf Says:

    Romeo – ‘Hipsters who beat women” may be a variant of the classic Douche style. You would be right if they were drinking in this photo. They are certainly glowering enough.

  13. Madam Restora Says:

    I hate to sound like an 80 year old, and it’s a bit off the track, but what will these people do when: a) they are not so young and attractive anymore and b) tattoos go out of fashion – whichever comes first?
    I guarantee the first person who invents a fast, painfree, cost effective method to perfectly remove tattoos will be the world’s first trillionaire.

  14. Suspended Says:

    I thought of this post when I encountered one of these douches today. He was in the car behind me and couldn’t stop tweaking his curly moustache in his rear view mirror. The fucker looked like he’d been botoxed and was, of course, sporting full sleeve tattoos.

    If this hyper vanity is the new rebellion, the world really has turned sick!

  15. Bevitron Says:

    Lots of obvious abs workouts with total neglect of everything else

    Hand always on or near genitals

  16. ali Says:

    I think you guys have covered this sufficiently. I’ll add for the sake of balance, GIRL douche bags are the ones who find mustache accessories and dishware HILAAARIOUS.

  17. ali Says:

    *also, anyone who says “peep” instead of “look at”

  18. annemarie Says:

    Unicycles

  19. Andi Says:

    Underweight/super slim is also a requirement.

  20. haha Says:

    skinny pants rolled up to mid calf exposing ironic socks.

  21. ali Says:

    haha- yes. weed socks. disco rasta urban outfitters socks? why????

  22. Stacy Says:

    I’m with Mark. Selvedged jeans with big cuffs. I’ll also add Red Wing boots to the mix.

  23. Sister Wolf Says:

    Stacy and Mark – Are the jeans hipster rather than douche? Same with the Red Wing boots; I only know one guy who has them, and he’s a hipster poster-boy, but no douche.

  24. eekahil Says:

    Face tattoo
    Gangster iconography

  25. thriftstorelawyer Says:

    I’m late to the party but had to add: skinny jeans that are somehow so baggy in the backside, they sag down to expose the douchebag’s boxer briefs.

  26. Monica Says:

    The need to show us the oblique-groin-ab thingys, a faux-hawk, bumper stickers that say “no fat chicks”, men who say things loudly and often just for the shock value factor, straight, grown-ass men who care about the latest gossip more than his girlfriend AND her gay male friend combined.

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