Open Letters to Miley, Sinead, et al

miley and sinead

 

While the US Congress attempts to hasten the Rapture, I think we should all take time to write some open letters to Miley, Sinead, and all those who have inserted themselves into the melee - Ann Magnuson, Amanda Palmer, Brooke Shields, and Annie Lennox, thus far.

If you’ve been dying to get in on this, here’s your chance!

I will begin:

Dear Miley, I saw you on SNL and I read about you in Rolling Stone. I don’t know why your face is so flat. Also, were you born with a hare lip or not? I don’t care about your body or your tongue, although I wouldn’t mind if you put on a little weight. Also, I’m sorry your father molested you. However, this doesn’t mean you should ridicule poor Sinead for needing mental health services. That was a pretty fucked up move. You could help out by supporting mental health services and working to de-stigmatize mental illness. Otherwise, do whatever you need to do.  Love, Sister Wolf.

Dear Sinead, I love you. I have always loved you. Your shaved head, your brilliant early records, your anti-Catholicism, your boyfriends, your kids, your rebellious emotional frankness, rage on, girl! But don’t expect that bitch Miley to apologize. Mean girls never apologize, ever. Stupid people can’t get enlightened because that’s just how it works. I wish you’d accept my apology on behalf of Miley! Then you could get back to whatever you were doing. Love, Sister Wolf.

Okay, your turn.

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15 Responses to “Open Letters to Miley, Sinead, et al”

  1. Andy Says:

    Let me get the ball rolling by saying that sinead’s lion and the cobra record is fucking brilliant. And then what the hell happened. Her music got so
    Milktoast. Or is it milquetoast? Someone call Maxine Page, stat.

  2. Romeo Says:

    Dear Miley-

    Why are you trying to look like Justin Bieber? You will never be as pretty as he is so you should learn to accept being nepotism’s homely poster child. It is comforting to know that anybody can make it in show business, even those without any discernible talent, as long as they’re related to someone who has already made a name for themselves in the industry (this includes Belle Brigade: although you have talent, your sound is fucking atrocious and KCRW’s DJs should be ashamed for pretending to like you and for making me listen to your warmed over 70′s pop bullshit while I wait to hear the latest installment of the Santa Monica City Council meeting which may be like listening to paint dry but it’s still way better than your shitcorn songs. You have used your talent to produce the audio equivalent of shitcorn).

    Sinead-

    Your problems stem from the fact that you’re too good for this tinhorn planet. Stay away from Twitter. Also avoid KCRW’s music programming unless you’re willing to risk getting an ear full of shitcorn.

    Love,
    Romeo

  3. Romeo Says:

    Belle Brigade-

    I really fucking hate your music.

    Love,
    Romeo

  4. ali Says:

    Dear Miley-
    I am too deaf and exhausted from seeing a real all female punk show last night to entertain further thought about your public behavior.

    Dear Sinead- I appreciate your no bullshit perspective. I wonder what you would say about my burlesque friends from Seattle’s queer burlesque community? Also, I am curious about what your take on the SF and (now defunct) Seattle Lusty Lady establishments might be?

  5. Suspended Says:

    Dear Miley,

    It’s obvious to everyone that no amount of fame is enough for you. Craving notoriety, even when it puts you in the same league as Honey Boo Boo, is not attractive. I agree with Cher, if you MUST stick your tongue out at ever opportunity, then please brush off/scrape off the white coating. We are all repulsed, every last one of us. I will never look at mallets in the same way again, in fact, all tools have been mentally slobbered on. You have ruined DIY. This is what you have given the world. This is the first and last time you will ever hear from me.
    P.S. Please stop being a little ho-bag.

    Dear Sinead,

    I agree with everything you’ve said but please realise there is nothing you can do to stop Miley from being a Ho-bag, it’s in her nature. Those of us who care, end up having to care too much. It must be to make up for the limitless supply of selfish bastards. At times, it makes this world unbearable and we all feel a little insane. Please step away from the Miley, it is too poisonous to clutch. It grows beyond the boundaries of good taste and will only throw you into shade.

    P.S. I think you and Prince should make a baby and call it Prinead. Then it can beat Miley to #1 (while keeping it’s clothes on.)

    Dear Sister Wolf,

    Thank you, forever and always, for such wonderful entertainment. xoxox

  6. Debbie Says:

    Dear Miley, I am so glad to know that you are a sexual being because I seriously thought you were a virginal Disney queen. So thanks for making it clear that you are not. We all know that you’re a big girl now.

    Dear Sinead, your letter was well written and came from a good place. However, do not waste your good advice on a moron. She won’t be able to comprehend what you were trying to say until she is at least 40. And then, maybe not.

    Love,
    Debbie

  7. D.R. Says:

    Dear whoever….I’m astonished that I’m giving this more than a couple of minutes to ponder, considering that MC is irrelevant. Personally, I wonder (and who gives a flying flip about what I think?) what the hell SO was thinking when she chastised MC publicly….did she really think she would affect a complete turnaround??? Seriously??? (We all know she didn’t). And now Gloria Steinem has expressed an opinion?!?! And in the grand scheme of things….., there’s a lot of things to stress about in this crazy world….and this isn’t one of them. Love your blog, SW. BTW, I wouldn’t even be aware of this BS, but you can’t escape it. “News-worthy”, my ass.

  8. Sam Says:

    Dear all,
    I recently ranted on Facebook about you Miley. I tried to ignore the whole sorry saga, but in the end got so annoyed by the obvious damage your antics are doing, not to mention the lack of intelligent creativity, I downed a glass of wine & went for it. There is nothing sexy about a pre pubescent looking girl licking a hammer, you are trying to be Madonna, but the timings wrong and the execution is a cheap supermarket version.
    I’ve kept my council about Rhianna, but she’s another one that shits me.

    A friend commented on my FB rant by saying that ‘it sells’ like that justifies it all (which it doesn’t) but at the end of the day in a world where money is god, she’s right…..but its the cost to women that concerns us all.
    It costs women the years of struggle to be heard, respected & to be seen as more than just sexual baby making objects.
    Sinead, I support you and all the other matriarchs who have spoken out, don’t give up, even if you are told there is no point, because there is.
    Back to Miley, put some slippers on girl, sit down with a cup of tea and watch a couple of Katherine Hepburn movies. Let all this sink in and in 20 – 30 years time you might just wonder, “What the hell was I thinking?”
    Sam

  9. Sister Wolf Says:

    Suspended – Hahahahahahahhahaha!

  10. deb* Says:

    Dear Miley
    I really loved that twerking suit. What a cute suit for a swim. I wonder if it comes In black size 2xl??? Just a small tip on how to look cool (when not in swimwear) get a little Lorde in your life. You may find that it is possible to have a number one hit with your clothes and your talent on.
    Just saying…………………..
    deb*

  11. Dj Says:

    Dear Ms. Cyrus,
    We all like to reinvent ourselves, we’ve all had our embarrassing moments, we have all devolved at one time or another only to wake up the next day, rinse out our mouths, put on clothes and try to better ourselves. This is part of being young. However, your reinvention, moments and devolvement are just retreads. The oversexed bombshell? Been done. The vulgar moves on stage? Been done. The snakelike tongue? Been done. Done done done. If you were really the smart, happening now ho you like to think you are step it up! But I’m afraid the ugly truth is that you are still just trailer trash in the end.No amount of reinvention, moments or wake up calls can fix that. Accept your fate.

  12. Cricket9 Says:

    Dear Miley,
    I’m in a place where people ignored the whole thing; I don’t know exactly what you did, and I’m very happy with this state of affairs. Unfortunately I’ve seen some pictures and I’d like to ask you: what’s with the tongue? Is a hanging out tongue the new sexy thing? You just reminded me of my late dog in heat. Even for a dog it wasn’t a flattering look.

    Dear Sínead,
    You wrote a nice and thoughtful letter, but it’s more than likely wasted on someone who makes an effort to look like my dog in heat. Well, you can only do that much.. You tried .

  13. Bessie the Cow Says:

    Dear Miley,
    Why would you have anything to do with Terry Richardson?

    Dear Sinead,
    Why would you have anything to do with Miley Cyrus?

  14. Madam Restora Says:

    Dear Miley & Sinead,
    You’re probably both putting a little too much of yourselves out there. Not every part of your lives needs to be lived in public in order for it to be meaningful. Save a little and spare us all.
    x

  15. tracey Says:

    Dear Miley, I don’t care that you have no clothes or no class. I care that you have no heart and find that makes you an abomination.

    Dear Sinead, Your letter was wise and sane and compassionate in a world that often has far too little of those things. Thank you and I love you.

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