Golden Globes 2014 Exegesis

US - ENTERTAINMENT - FILM - GOLDEN GLOBES - PRESS ROOM

 

Let’s start with the men. Guys, don’t wear your hair up! If you’re a Sumo wrestler, fine, otherwise, never.

This douche above turned out to be the horrible Edward Zero character, but his name is Alex Ebert and he won a music award.  Jared Leto wore his long hair in a bun/pony tail that I wanted to undo in private, no matter how crazy he is.

Robert Redford doesn’t mind looking like a 200 year old tortoise, whereas Michael Douglas still believes he’s a hottie, even after complaining about his wife’s vag.

The men to have sex with were Idris Elba and Collin Farrell. The men to ridicule are the sanctimonious cunts of U2, who made it clear that they supported Nelson Mandela long before you did. You are nothing compared to them and don’t forget it!

Liev Schreiber cried like a baby and someone who was either Puff Daddy or Jay Z was on hand for no discernible reason.

Leaving the men behind, let’s move on to the weirdest moment : Jacqueline Bisset was  a portrait of  proudly un-botoxed beauty who then lost points for being either nuts or drunk. She seemed more bitter than triumphant, but delivered the most uncomfortable appearance since Lauren Bacall’s stroke. In the audience, Jessica Lange’s face-lift registered seething anger at losing to Bisset.

Sandra Bullock wore the worst dress, unless you prefer Julia Roberts in that category. Robin Penn Warren looked like a sleek man, and Olivia Wilde looked like a shimmering pregnant mermaid – gorgeous!

Diane Keaton contrasted her beautifully thick poufy hair with a wrinkly smoker’s face and almost pulled off a certain dignified charm until she sang a Girl Scout song in a crazy little girl voice.

Red lipstick was in short supply compared to last year. Cate Blanchett wore a nice blue-red, Juliette Binoche wore a bright red that was too orangey for her teeth, and Drew Barrymore chose a vivid fluorescent red that may have been MAC Ruby Woo or Beso by Stilla.

Now I’m worn out. What did I forget?

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13 Responses to “Golden Globes 2014 Exegesis”

  1. Kelly Says:

    Elizabeth Moss’s dress. Loved it.

  2. annemarie Says:

    I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I don’t think Olivia Wilde is attractive at all. However, I didn’t see any pics of her lovingly touching her belly, and for that alone she gets an A+.

    I’m so disappointed to hear that U2 acted like sanctimonious cunts. I don’t know why they can’t just be cool. I know that deep down they are cool. I loved them when I was 10 and the Unforgettable Fire was the first hardcover book I ever read. And I’m loyal, no matter what.

    Jacqueline Bisset was fucking cool. I just watched the vid. That’s the way people are supposed to act when they accept awards. She totally brought it.

  3. ali Says:

    I LOVE SISTERWOLF EXEGESES !!!!!!!!!

  4. Andra Says:

    Ah Jeez, missed it again!
    Drat!

  5. Kim Says:

    Man, I just love you. You say what I’m thinking…

  6. Debbie Says:

    Olivia Wilde is beautiful but looked like a snake digesting a rat in that slimy colored green dress. Agree about Sandra Bullock … I don’t like this color blocking trend, Julia Roberts looked like a housewife and Meryl Streep wannabe, Idris Elba and Colin Farrell – agree, YOWZA! Loved Jacqueline Bissett’s non-Botoxed face. She’s beautiful although that gown did nothing for her.

  7. Cricket9 Says:

    Andra, me and you both.

  8. Sister Wolf Says:

    Kelly – YES, it was gorgeous and so was she. I’m glad she won!

    annemarie – I don’t care much about her but I loved the dress. It makes me so jealous that both times I was pregnant, I wore baggy stuff instead of flaunting it.

    ali – That’s so nice of you xoxo

    Andra – More TV for you, Andra.

    Kim – Ha, it is my pleasure.

    Debbie – What the hell is wrong with Julia Roberts?!? Was she seeking negative attention?

  9. Strange Vessels Says:

    I never watch this stuff and I hate hearing about it on facebook but I make exceptions for SW exegesis’.
    I googled that shit and two things stuck out:
    Emma Thompson and her old-before-her-time Hilary Clinton disguise..
    Jennifer Lawrence in that hideous sheets tied with rubber bands look.
    I love the tiny pleasure of an important moment ruined by bad styling.
    And to think somebody was paid thousands to put these outfits together!

  10. ali Says:

    http://www.ssense.com/women/product/gareth_pugh/black_satin_slouchy_thigh-high_boot/61326 <————————– SO AWFUL

  11. Dj Says:

    I didn’t think j. Bisset rocked at all. I was terribly embarrassed for her..drugged, drunk, hungry? No idea, but it was a sad train wreck…Kate beckonsale looked terrified of usher and puff whatever diddly, don’t blame her, they looked like they wanted no part of her skinny ass near them and wanted to shove her off the stage, loved Jesse pinkmans (Aaron Paul) thank you for breaking bad, gweneth looked bored and/or constipated,loved Matthew mc, what else?? Love robin wright, elegant and modern, thought Alex evert a pretentious boob. I’m heavily medicated due to beyond horrible allergies, I need major care……..maybe a swipe of my ancient prescriptives brick lipstick will help….good night…

  12. Dj Says:

    Agree Kelley, loved that dress

  13. E Says:

    I absolutely love the category “cunts”. Wonderful. Should always be a search term for any piece of writing. There are always a few cunts.

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