Advice From An Old Bag

diane keaton

Fine, I am ageist.

Goldie Hawn EEOW

Diane Keaton and Goldie Hawn are both 68.

jamie lee curtis eeoow

Jamie Leigh Curtis is 55.

These three actresses have all the advantages that come with their privileged positions, but to my mind they are old bags whose faces scare me. I don’t know what I want them to look like. Just not like this.

And yet as upsetting as they are, I’m sure they are full of had-earned wisdom. I know some shit, too. So if you’re not an old bag yet, here is some good advice that you will thank me for:

Don’t overpluck your eyebrows. Your mom is right.
Stay out of the sun.
Stop trying to control people, because you can’t.
Consider red a neutral.
Chanel handbags are crap, don’t waste your money.
Learn how to fake a good smile but only use it for photographs.
Remember that people are idiots.
Hand-wash any clothes you love, no matter what.
Learn to say I’m Sorry and keep saying it, even if you’re not.
Hats look pretentious unless it’s raining.
Everyone’s family is crazy, not just yours.
Never be ashamed of stuff that’s not your fault.
9 or 10 karat gold is no good unless it’s Victorian.
Hair is everything.

Okay, I’m pretty sure that’s all I’ve learned but if I think of anything else I’ll let you know.  Here are some old bags who make it look tolerable: Tempest Storm,  Gloria Pall and Dixie Evans.

2008 2

And here is ‘Beso’ long wear lip color by Stila.  You need soap to get it off!

Beso longlasting

 

 

 

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19 Responses to “Advice From An Old Bag”

  1. David Duff Says:

    And here comes a great big ‘mwaaaah’ back again! Er, but mine lacks the lipstick.

  2. Sally Says:

    So good to see that beautiful head again. Your head gives me hope.

  3. Dj Says:

    First of all sister, you look mahvelous……no way you would be admitted to the Bags Hall of Fame. Sorry.
    Yes, those photos show three women who have accomplished a lot, but good god, they would be totally ignored in the check out lane at Walmart…this is what bothers me. They have resources, i.e. Money. There is No Reason to look like an old bag in this day and age! A little “work”, slight nips and tucks to keep body and soul from going totally to shit if one can afford it. Not to mention all the noninvasives..oh, and easiest of all, maturity. I know, I know…all our wrinkles, sags and bags give us character — if you want to be a character in a dickens novel! Goldie just can’t say “enough already,”; Dianne has gone from quirky and charming to eccentric and brittle; and Jamie has always been mannish. Look at European women…whats with them? I’m always staring when I go somewhere to figure out their secrets. I think the biggest thing is they are grown up, have grown into their skin and are not concerned with trying so hard..They have a realistic view of themselves..I’m rambling,

  4. Bratty Duke Says:

    And moisturize, moisturize, moisturize!

    J’adore the neutral red lipstick. Kiss kiss.

  5. Alicia Says:

    Your life lessons are invaluable SW.

  6. Hammie Says:

    Thank you. Thank you Thank you.

  7. Suspended Says:

    Wow, that colour is fantastic. Your lips look like one of those beautiful, deep, velvety rose petals that keep me in constant awe of nature.

    I don’t get the whole “moisturise” thing. Cream can’t stop gravity and dragging your skin around your face two or three times a day is only going to stretch it out like pizza dough. Everyone’s surprised I’m as old as I am and I barely wash the bloody thing!

  8. Dru Says:

    You know who does make a really great-looking old bag? Connie Leto aka Jared Leto’s mom. Her son may give off douche vibes, but I covet her hair, it’s amazing.

    Also, that lipstick is fantastic on you, Sister. You’re the one who first gave me the courage to walk into MAC and demand a tube of Ruby Woo, I may have since graduated to hot pinks (I blame Korean tv dramas for that) but red is the first step, and it was crucial to my face. So thank you for that.

  9. Arle Says:

    Yes sister, hair is everythng. Love your keratin shiny hair. I’m still wearing long hair at 58 – keratin gave me the hair I wanted in the 1970′s. Did you wrap your hair back in the day, or use juice cans to get it straight? Before blow dryers? I used Hawaiian Punch cans – four strategically placed on top of my head. LOL.
    Oy, we’re old. But we’re not old bags!!! Rock on sister! You look great!

  10. Eek Says:

    I would be very interested in more advice! Who is the girl in the last photo? She is beautiful.

  11. Lola Says:

    Why bother with lipstick if it isn’t red?

  12. Sister Wolf Says:

    David – I wear enough lipstick for both of us xoxo

    Sally – Really? Okay!

    Dj – Ramble away, you’re making good sense

    Bratty – I never moisturize but I hear it’s important.

    Alicia – Thank you! I’ve learned so little, but I want to pass it on.

    Hammie – Thank YOU, Hammie, you area still my idol.

    Suspended – I agree! I have never moisturized either!!!

    Dru – It makes me so happy to think of you wearing bright lipstick! And you’re right about that mother, she looks wonderful. Those Leto’s age so well.

    Arle – I have been getting the keratin treatment for a year now – I resent the money it costs but it is really addictive.

    Eek – Haha, save your flattery, whoever you are.

    Lola – Preaching to the choir, Lola. Red is the only color I own.

  13. Stephanie Says:

    My Russian Grandpa said;
    “Never use soap on your face.”
    He was right.
    xo

  14. annemarie Says:

    I need all of this advice. Thank you. But if we meet some day and I happen to be wearing a hat, please don’t judge me! Sunblock doesn’t work as well as a hat!

  15. ali Says:

    On the eyebrow note- I stopped plucking my eyebrows mid high school but plucked them to nothing for the duration of middle school. My current eyebrow shape does not resemble my original at all, but it is perfect and I don’t have to do anything.

    So my addendum would be, pluck your eyebrows to filth when you’re an insecure baby, stop before high school – and you’ll have perfect shape forever! just kidding.

    It’s so hard to stay out of the sun in Seattle when it comes out every few weeks!! Starting to get really nervous about wrinkles. I already have them in my forehead from being anxious since the time I could think.

    Good to know about hand washing. I appreciate that you’ve drawn a line in the sand.

  16. Sally Says:

    P.S. this blog has loads of inspiring ladies of all ages. check out this lady Tova Kaye:

    http://stylelikeu.com/profiles-2/closets/tova-kaye/#!H7hxc

  17. allyB Says:

    Sister honey, you look exactly as attractive as the old bags you are trashing. Get real. And quit hating. Hating is very bad for the comlexion. And will definitely cause sagging of the facial muscles. I see no kindness in your face. Kindness is the most enduring and lasting beauty. It never fades. Is it too late for you to start working on some? Blessings to you.

  18. Sister Wolf Says:

    allyB – Yep, it’s too late. And p.s., you’re just jealous. xoxo

  19. Salisburysteaksweater Says:

    Your hair is looking fantastic these days.
    Is Tempest wearing a wig? I guess if I have to ask…

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