Archive for the ‘Contest’ Category

Fashion Gibberish And A Contest

Thursday, October 1st, 2015


My cyber-friend and adopted daughter Annemarie has generously pointed me to a treasure trove of pretentious fashion gibberish that reads like a buzzword generator.

In fact, the high-end shopping site Ssense has just launched such a generator and it’s fun to play with. It needs more variables to be top-notch but I like to see a designer fashion site with an actual sense of humor.

The site Annemarie recommended has zero awareness of it’s over-the-top pompousness, and that is its gift to us. Here is Lagarconne‘s tumbler blog expounding on a pair of frumpy black dresses:


With a quirky disposition linked to techie dressing, the mock neck is noted for its scientific past, yet finds new function as a clever tool in the construction of occasionwear. Elegantly revisited, the detail lends analytical air to ultra-sleek fabrics, taking modernity back a step with skilled wit. When cut in silk or satin, the style adds bookish refinement, creating streamlined classics by way of cerebral calculation. From Marni, the neckline gives engineered structure to fluid stretch silk, while The Row further exemplifies the neckline’s transformative powers,lending academic grounding to surfer-influenced attire. From cubicle to catwalk, the mock neck makes new headway as a fool-proof formula for optimum sophistication.

Jesus Christ, right? What are they on over there?

Here’s the prose inspired by a grey sweatshirt and baggy cropped pants:

Baggier shirts and widened trousers often instill an unconscious urge for slimmer pairings. Japanese label, Blue Blue Japan, breaks this habit in considered refusal of the customary approach. By pairing the classic crewneck sweatshirt with cropped culottes in signature indigo denim, an effortless balance arises. In a duplicated slack, each item mirrors the other. Nipped only slightly at the hips, a band of knit ribbing adds no constriction, simply linking the unfettered forms.

Considered refusal‘ is killing me. I’m even impressed by ‘slimmer parings.’

I sort of want to master this language, particularly as there are no discernible rules except to string along descriptive words with terms from random academic disciplines like philosophy, architecture and engineering.

So far, I suck at it. I feel like I have no aptitude for it but I’ve been listening to that maniac Joel Osteen on the radio, who insists that a positive attitude is all you need to make your dreams come true, like having a baby when you’re sterile or sending your wife’s cancer into remission.

Never mind about him. Let’s have fun.

Here’s an unremarkable, dowdy-looking pair of shoes from La Garconne. They are priced at $685 but don’t let that determine your reaction. The goal is to create a flowing description that leaves the potential shopper feeling daunted, mystified, slightly shamed but filled with avarice.

Marsell leather slipper

I’ll be working on my caption but let’s see yours!

The winner will be will be selected by votes, and the prize will be something either stupid or good, whichever seems most appropriate.

Exciting Benefit Contest

Thursday, December 9th, 2010

Remember the Benefit Incident, and the pathetic correspondence that ensued between me and Patricia, the company’s US Customer Care Manager?

Well, I wrote back to Patricia, turning on the ol’ Sister Wolf charm:

Good evening Patricia,

Your reply makes no sense. After patiently waiting for 8 days, I am dismayed by your inability to provide any response to my concerns. How can the regional manager help me by discussing anything with “the beauty adviser.”   Which beauty adviser are you referring to? I didn’t even identify the store where this happened!

Patricia, here is the plan. You will want to convey to me Benefit’s ACTUAL POLICY regarding its sales techniques and whether it is considered acceptable to physically accost a potential customer.

That way, my readers may be assured that it is safe to approach a Benefit cosmetics counter.

Finally, you may want to offer me some of your products, with an emphasis on red lipsticks, to compensate me for my considerable distress at the hands of your assaultive sales representative.

I am prepared to follow up with your superiors if necessary.

Sincerely disappointed,


Patricia phoned me the very next morning. She explained that the Benefit sales associates are supposed to direct traffic to their counter, but not to slop the product on without asking. She assured me that they want the cosmetics shopping experience to be almost like a party. I made some idiotic and reckless analogy that I won’t repeat, and we said goodby after Patricia promised to pop some red lipstick in the mail for me.

Isn’t that nice?

The lipsticks have arrived: Flirt Alert, and Frenched. One is a clear soft red, and the other a deep cranberry color. I have judged them to be somehow inferior, so I want to pass them on to you, the faithful reader! I will even pay for shipping in the US. We can haggle over shipping if you live somewhere else.

To enter the contest to own these brand new, unused but   somehow inferior lipsticks, just explain in your comment why you want them.   The best explanation wins!

** For a look at the best customer complaint letter ever written in the history of the world, go here.

Fashion Editor Styleapalooza

Tuesday, October 12th, 2010

Ali knows that Fashion Editors like attention! Her umbrella is a good way to stab underlings and to teach Tavi how to really block the view at a runway show. See how she has artfully exposed her belly button, too.

A good Fashion Editor needs to glare. Perhaps her assistant has mispronounced “Margiela?”

Athif is rocking the shit out of this season’s pagan feather and fur accents. His bedroom slippers say: “I make the rules, you just follow them!”

Skye is a goddess and she knows it. Don’t make her mad.

Here, Skye rocks the Wonder Woman look that brings Anna dello Russo to her knees. Sunglasses and crazy head-wear are key to Fashion Editor Style.

Kate is shit with a camera, because it’s not her job, damn you! Her job is to strut around in her clunky heels, waving her fan and barking “Show me something else!” and “Who’s going to carry me up those stairs?”

Enna knows that Fashion Editors can look like hookers and still feel superior. Her mini-dress and heels say “Fuck me!” while her expression says “Fuck off!” She probably learned this from Carine Roitfeld, who is jealous of her radiant youth.

Behold TheShoeGirl. What’s not to love? As you know, she is sex on wheels. Her cigarette and BlackBerry show that she means business. Her fur and heels are forbidding, but the flash of tummy makes her almost human.

Note the oversize sunglasses and the bossy attitude.   Classic Fashion Editor.

Finally, a special treat: Sister Wolf flaunts her Fashion Editor Style in front of her admiring dog. Leather shorts from Queen Michelle, Fluffy gilet from Queen Marie, vintage gold Gucci sunglasses (that you can buy if you’re interested.)

Thank you, Fashion Editors! xoxo

*Those of you who didn’t step up to this challenge, Grrrr.   Next time, no excuses.

Fashion Editor Style

Friday, October 8th, 2010

A young child might look at this photo and say, “Oh, look, clowns!” But we know better.

Our next reader challenge is Fashion Editor Style. Can you look effortlessly crazy, chic, snooty, and age-inappropriate? Then get someone to take your picture and send it to

(TheShoeGirl and Rosie, that means you.)

Morbid Awful Footwear plus DIY

Monday, October 4th, 2010

The shoes at are like a festival of roadkill.

I’ve always loved fur but something about this footwear trend is making me gag. I wonder how dogs react when they see these things approaching? I’ve tried to decide which pair above is the ugliest, but it hurts to dwell upon them.

On a related note, I am stuck with my Kate Moss Groupie Coat, since no one on ebay was astute enough to buy it from me.

There is no fucking way I’m going to wear this coat and look like a Chanel Yeti or anything of that ilk. I bought it last year in a moment of delirium.

What can I do to make this coat better? I’m thinking of cutting it off to make a short jacket. Is this good or not good? Would I need to hem it? Because I can’t handle that.

Should I add some color with paint or sharpies or something?

I could run a huge contest called “Fuck Up My Coat” and post all your ideas on Flickr, but no, that’s not how I roll. Just let me know if you have a suggestion.

Clueless Goth Style Challenge!

Wednesday, September 8th, 2010

Wasn’t the Nomadic Baglady style-fest the funnest thing ever?! Now, who’s ready to try Clueless Goth?

Clueless Goth is a wonderful category that isn’t as easy as it sounds. Straight-up Goth is not what we’re going for. I’m talking about hipster, mallrat, moto-obsessed neo-crypto-Goth. Torn shit, leather, spikes, fierce rad skull-ridden Luxirare-worshiping badass edgy dark darketty gnarlitude.

Let’s see what you got! The   Shoegirl will kill this but Rosie is not to be underestimated, or Marie either.

Submissions to

I Won, So There!

Wednesday, August 4th, 2010

After all my labor at Refinery 29, I won a contest at Fashion Intel! Yay! I haven’t had a watch since I lost mine in January, so this is the perfect prize.

Some bitch castigated me for entering the Refinery 29 contests, like it was proof positive of my lonely boring wretched life as a guilt-ridden old crone with no purpose in life.

Fuck you, bitch! My purpose was winning a watch and now I’ve done it.

Why I didn’t win the latest Refinery 29 contest where you had to describe your “steamiest seduction story” is a total mystery, though.   My story was by far the least nauseating. Oh well.

In any case, it has been exhausting to read the hate mail that’s been pouring in this week. If you’re a raving moron who can’t spell “you’re” but you like the word “vitriol,” I know I’ll be hearing from you.   But try to remember: You can’t hurt me and you can’t shut me up.

Love, xo SW

Still With The Contests

Saturday, July 31st, 2010

I’m sorry, I need to keep entering these contests at Refinery 29. I am persistent if nothing else.

Please Please Please

Thursday, July 22nd, 2010

Take a moment to vote for Kate of Make Do Style, whose delightful short film deserves to make the cut at the Paris film festival, presented by Diane Pernet… vote here, right now!!


Can I Win a Pop of Pastel?

Tuesday, July 6th, 2010

Yes, I have entered another contest at Refinery 29.   All I have to do is come up with the best outfit for an outdoor party.   Simple, right? Outdoor parties are my fucking life!

The prize is a bottle of the “ultimate pink” nail polish by Deborah Lippman.

Look how that bitch above me has to “throw on” her shoes right after I said I’d “throw on” my Wangs.   What a copycat!