Godammit, I’m Mad!

This skirt by Kevork Kilesjian would look great with a massive viking helmet, don’t you think?

At $1,495, the price is just right, and the designer’s name suggests he may be amenable to killing you with a plastic bag.  Maybe he could even do this before you suffered the indignity of wearing the skirt!

Shopbop,  of course.

Shit.

Rag and Bone Moto Pants with Removable Kilt,  $695 at shopbop*

“It’s called ‘moto’ because _________________.”

~

*Only 2 let!

Why did they stop there? Why not add zebra?

This “shoe” makes me want to cry.  $469.95 at solestruck.

You know I can’t resist penis jewelry. Here are two new penis options from Vivienne Westwood.  I love the cufflinks but I wish they were earrings.  $151.51  Penis key-ring below,  $118.82

If you don’t crave penises, some other new VW pieces are elaborately pretty and clearly inspired by Salvador Dali’s jewelry.

Boulevard Pearly Queen Bracelet: $277.75   Boulevard Pearly Queen Brooch, below: $150.51

Available here.

Dali’s jewelry is exquisite and eye-popping.  If you’re not familiar with it, get ready to scream “Oooooooo!” and go here to get started.

I forgot to say that Sunday was my birthday. Now I am 58 and none the wiser. My husband took me to a huge botanica where I squealed with pleasure at the racks and racks of magical oils and candles. We thought it would be nice to get a picture of me with the big Santa Muerta, but look! You can barely tell us apart.

In my imagination, I look more like this:

or even this:

Oh never mind.  I guess I can start cultivating an eccentric old lady look, although it seems like a lot of trouble. Furthermore, now that it’s been packaged and approved by Topshop, its appeal is kind of dubious.

What brought this on, do you think? Is it Tavi-related? Is it Daphne Guinness? Is it Little Edie Beale? Is it that blog about Advanced Style with all the wacky looking old ladies?

Whatever the reason for officially dictating a trend called Eccentric Lady, it is by definition less original and appealing. Fuck it.

I’m sticking with Geriatric Tomboy™,  but easing into Slob.  Maybe it’s more like  Crypto-Hipster Slob™ now that I have a big tattoo.

Let’s brace ourselves for an army of young girls wearing turbans, big sunglasses, ratty furs, granny dresses and hideous brooches. If they can loose the scary Jeffrey Campbell shoes, maybe it will be a blessing in disguise.

Why do you have to wear Spanx when you’re pregnant? Isn’t this a time to relax and celebrate your changing body? Since everyone can see you’re pregnant, why do they need you to have a compressed ass and thighs?

I hate Spanx although I realize they are a staple of most women’s undergarments. I once tried on a pair of black spanx in my size but it was like trying to stuff an elephant into a tight spandex sandwich bag. I barely got it over my knees. I didn’t want to fight with it. I wanted it to go live at my sister’s house where it could torture her instead.

I’m not against Shapewear per se but Spanx, never. To impose Spanx on a pregnant woman is to undermine her joy in carrying a child. It’s an abomination. A nice pair of stretchy black underpants is all you need at this glorious time.

Men, do you like to undress a woman and find she is wearing Spanx? Is it too late for a new wave of post-feminists to rally to burn their Spanx?

This dramatic and frightening Thakoon “bustle skirt” greeted me at Shopbop this morning, only to disappear by midnight. What the fuck?!  Did it turn back into a pumpkin, or did it sell out in one day? You need to see the back view to imagine the effect you might have had, sweeping into a room or tripping and falling as the case may be.

I believe it is taffeta, and the price was around $2,000 I think.

What is the point of it? All I could think of to wear with it was a basket of fruit on the head. Maybe it’s a wry tribute to the mullet!

Well, now that it’s gone, I feel a vague sense of loss.

So let me tempt you with another great new “piece” from Shopbop:

They are sheer silk chiffon layered with matching shorts.  They would also look nice with some fruit on the head.  I like the way these gossamer pants are styled with clunky leather boots. It’s an aggressive statement that says, “I am a visionary, you know nothing!”  They are a steal at only $225.

“Not just a sandal—a work of art, a thing of beauty. This Brian Atwood sandal boasts wild leopard print, ribbons that lace up your ankle, and feathers that sway with every step.”   $1,450 Neiman Marcus

“Not just a shoe—an object of desire, a work of art. This Diego Dolcini satin showcases fan-pleated chiffon, articulated with two-tone elegance and discerning crystal embellishments.”  $2,445  Neiman Marcus

Can’t decide?

Here’s a close-up of the discerning crystal embellishments. (Can they be discerning? Why not judgmental, while we’re at it?)

And here’s the Thing of Beauty, walking back into the jungle….

An article in the New York Times offers an affectionate tribute to Amy Winhouse’s style, giving her credit for creating a unique look based on several Bad-Girl templates.

The article reminded me of how many girls still try to imitate Bettie Page. There are millions of clones out there with dyed black bangs and deep red lipstick, all going for the same trampy  rockabilly look. With all due respect, it’s a look I’m really sick of.  I think it should be saved for Halloween or costume parties.

The article also led me to the work of Karlheinz Weinberger, a Swiss photographer whose pictures of sleazy hooligans and teenage delinquents made him famous among artists and intelligentsia. Looking at his work, I finally undertand the aesthetic that Gnarlitude Jen and her ilk are so infatuated with.

Biker paraphernalia, big messy hair, tough sullen expressions, it’s all there in Weinberger’s old photos. It’s a look that I personally affected when I was around twelve years old, trying to copy the tough Mexican gang girls who represented rebellion. By fourteen, though, I was over it.

Today, the only way to be a style rebel would be to dress inconspicuously.

Still, I’m happy to remember Amy as an original force in style as well as music. Her mixture of  50s and 60s influences, punk, pin-up, tough, girlie, retro and rapper, added up to something fresh, defiant and irresistible.

God bless her, and all bad girls everywhere.