Archive for the ‘irritants’ Category


Wednesday, April 9th, 2014

doubledouche 2

Over time, I have generously shared some Douches with you here, but lately I’ve been spending my valuable time on a feature called Douche of the Day™ for my friend’s pop culture website.

It’s a a dirty job but someone’s gotta do it, obviously. If you find yourself craving a Douche, have a look at this one. He’s one of my favorites. Then you can click around and see more top-notch Douches.  Only you know how many you can stomach!

Remember: Douches are like snowflakes, each one is different!  If you come across a worthy candidate, feel free to send me a link or a jpg.:

How Bossy!

Tuesday, March 11th, 2014


Oh god, political correctness. Now, They want us to ban the word ‘bossy’ because it inhibits girls from ‘leaning in.’ I would much rather ban ‘lean in’ if I were Minister of Language.

The new Ban Bossy campaign is predictably strident, sanctimonious and victimmy. Its stated aim is to encourage girls to become leaders. But how can they become leaders if they’re not bossy? Should they lead by manipulation instead?

‘Ban Bossy’ is brought to you by Lean In, the organization founded by Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook COO and author of the bossy best-seller that made ‘lean in’ a trendy and divisive concept for the media to feed on.

Lean In has managed to get the Girl Scouts in on the ‘Ban Bossy’ campaign, as well as bossy women like Condi Rice and Beyonce.  You can go to the website and take the pledge to stop using the word ‘bossy.’

Or you can use whatever words you want. I want to lean out or at the very least, lean back. I don’t want to be treated like an idiot by some pseudo-feminist figureheads and business groups.

I wish I had been a lot more bossy when I was younger. I’m making up for it now, though. Tell me what you think. And that’s an order.



Robin Wright: No.

Wednesday, February 26th, 2014

RW chin problem

I have been gorging on Season 2 of House of Cards and Robin Wright is killing me. I can’t take it.

Why is she so fucking manly?

It’s hard to watch this series without complaining about the manliness. Even at its most engrossing, I am distracted by the physical ickiness of this actress once known for being pretty.

Is it misogynist of me to man-shame her? Is it homophobic or just looks-ist?

Trying to examine my strong reaction to Robin Wright, I realize that I can’t stand her posture either. Or her character’s skintight minimalist wardrobe. Wear a fucking COLOR, Robin Wright!

Her manly hairstyle draws attention to her huge neck and jaw. Why the huge jaw? Is it a chin implant or what? What’s the deal?

Please explain any part of this.

Oh Shut Up, Jezebel

Friday, January 17th, 2014



Can someone explain why people pay attention to Jezebel? I know it’s supposed to be a staunchly feminist website but it’s just so godawful! I have already registered my disgust at its policy of auditioning its commenters. But the offenses keep piling up.

Now Jezebel is offering $10,000 to anyone who can provide the original unphotoshopped pictures of Vogue’s February covergirl, Lena Dunham. How many things are wrong with this stupid gambit for attention?

1. Why offer cash, turning their ‘quest for truth’ into a bounty-hunting exercise?
2. Why humiliate a woman they profess to admire?
3. Why claim “This is about Vogue, and what Vogue decides to do with a specific woman who has very publicly stated that she’s fine just the way she is, and the world needs to get on board with that. ” when that is so clearly a hypocritical lie?

It’s about page hits! But meanwhile, any claim to ‘feminism’ is surely negated by this mean fumble at pseudo-truth seeking.

Poor Lena. I don’t like her TV show but she doesn’t deserve this. DUH, the picture is photoshopped, they left out her fucking arm! Why don’t they choose a more traditional thin beauty-queen type to humiliate?

This is some kind of shaming situation, even if it’s just Vogue-shaming or Lena-shaming. Feminists are not supposed to approve of shaming! Recently, Jezebel engaged in some chola-shaming when they denounced Lana Del Rey for dressing like a home-girl. What fucking fuckers they are.

Jezebel is more dead to me than ever.

Douche Fest!

Tuesday, November 12th, 2013




Ricki Hall is a Douche Icon whose only true rival is Francois Verkerk.

francois verkerk perfect


How could you choose one over the other? Does Francois win because of his awful moustache? Or does Ricki’s full beard and grumpy scowl put him over the top?

douche tasticpierced douche 1


Compared with the two champs, the pair of douches above are neither here nor there. The huge ear hole wins points but otherwise, nothing.



This one could have reached Ricki/Francois status if he didn’t look so circusy.

The world of douches is a wonderful distraction that I urge everyone to explore and embrace. I wonder if they like each other or if they are arch enemies? When this douche thing is over, there will be thousands of dejected clowns roaming the earth, saving pennies for laser treatments.

Meanwhile, let’s rate them.

(c) Jonathan Daniel Price

Click on this guy above ( (c) Jonathan Daniel Price) and add up your points.

Facial hair
Septum ring
Chest tattoo
Tearful expression

I’m willing to bet that he isn’t wearing socks, which brings his total to 8 out of 10.

The Butler: No

Monday, August 12th, 2013


How much would it take to get you to see The Butler? For me, $500.

Before you answer, remember, it even has Robin Williams!

State your price.


You’re Welcome!

Thursday, August 1st, 2013

scary angie jolie small

This picture of a very young Angelina Jolie fills my heart with joy.  Keep looking at it until you feel the joy, too.

early daphne guinness

Here, the young Daphne Guinness looks forward to adopting the role of Eccentric Style Icon.

See? Life is good.

Rating Douches

Thursday, June 13th, 2013


Douches are easy to come by, but look how special they are when you have three. See here to refresh your memory.

Here’s a good one I found last week:

Douche of the Day


By ‘good’ I mean fulfilling most of the requirements, although he lacks a beard and those things in his ear-holes.

I’d like to have a point system for rating douches, like hunters have for deer, with 10 being the perfect score.

Neck tettoo
Shaved back of the head
Ear plug or septum ring
Sullen expression
Knuckle tattoo

Shit! That’s only seven. What attributes am I missing? Or should a full beard get extra points?

Please help. It’s for science.


The Ex Revisited

Saturday, December 8th, 2012

Twenty years on, I am still rattled by my husband’s fucking ex. Not only has she opened a tiki-themed restaurant too close to my neighborhood,  she has recently written the following:

“There was a time in my youth, those long gone halcyon days, when it seemed I spent a large part of my life in front of a camera. In the pursuit of an acting career it was standard operating procedure to continuously update and change the 8-by-10s that were the calling cards of all of us who tramped the mean streets of Los Angeles in constant and often futile rounds of meetings in the offices of agents, photographers, producers, directors and various unsavory characters.

“Perhaps in retrospect it is the smiling [photos] that fare the best, as I was innately happy, clear of eyes and had good teeth. For my fiftieth birthday and retired at that point, I pulled out all the old headshots and plastered them over a large wall at my parent’s house, creating a sort of gallery. They made a remarkable display and told a story of my own evolution, not to mention hairdos. The one topless shot, though artistically done and revealing but a modest bosom, shocked my brother. Frankly, I was rather proud to shock anyone.”

There was one thing that each photo had in common, one through-line, one essence captured. It was youth, my youth. And youth is hope. There it is, around the curve of my smiling lips, in the gleam of my eye, in the open expression.”

Jesus. Christ.

I brought up the subject of her uniquely annoying existence with my husband, who flipped out. Why can’t I be normal, he wants to know. It’s easy for him to talk about normal: My ex, though a cunt, stays quietly in his corner and doesn’t open restaurants or write about his modest bosom.

Some things are just awful and they stay awful. Some things fall away in the stark awareness of what really matters.  I am waiting for the ex-wife to move from the first category into the second.



Saturday, November 24th, 2012

I’ve finally caught up with Homeland, after skipping the first season in a private protest against Claire Danes as a CIA agent. Now I’m cool with Claire, but Brody’s wife is a major irritant.

Whenever the wife is onscreen, I find it hard to stop critiquing her face. Her acting is awful, too, don’t get me wrong. She’s incapable of portraying any emotion with conviction.  Her character is badly underwritten but a decent actress could still bring something to suggest a life form.  Instead, she just strikes a pose and raises or lowers her voice.

Her head is too small for her body, making her look life a dinosaur of maybe a giraffe. But in profile, she looks like a duckling, thanks to that augmented top lip. Stop it with the lips, actresses! Remember Meg Ryan! In fact, I’m going to name Meg Ryan ‘The Alamo’ just to help keep the memory alive.

While looking at pictures of this actress (Morena Baccarin, who I see is considered a super-hot hottie) I learned from an observant stranger that she has the same nosejob as Ashley Greene. I don’t know who Ashley Greene is but let’s compare noses.


Ashley above, Morena below. I wouldn’t want this nose, although you could probably use it as a can opener.

Obviously, I’m feeling cranky and shallow but facts are facts. I love Homeland for its suspense and the tension of the thwarted love story, but that fucking wife is a pain in the ass.

Opinions or objections?