God, what an ordeal. I’m going directly to Beyonce to say: Why did everyone love this performance???
I really think I have never seen such an obnoxious display of self-importance in my whole life. “Welcome to my World?” Who gives a shit about her world! Why can’t she sing a song with a melody? It’s all like a long intro that never turns into an actual song. Since when does spreading your legs in a leotard and shaking your hair around signify feminism? Is everybody crazy? Beyonce is now like a parody of a self-important diva. She fucking LOVES herself. Why does she need us at this point? When she tells the audience ‘I love y’all!’ it is absurdly hollow.
And the fucking husband-and-baby gambit, Jesus Christ. Who else would do that? Just awful.
Okay. Moving on. The rest of the show was about asses, most of them huge. I was actually moved to consult my husband for a male judgement on whose ass was the night’s biggest. His answer was Iggy, which surprised me. Surely Niki Minaj had the evening’s hugest ass, or maybe she just twerked it in our faces more.
The look of dismay on Rita Ora‘s face during the Anaconda dance functions perfectly as a universal statement of repugnance for this tawdry shit. It just can’t get any lower. Racist, sexist, artificial, we now have Miley Cryus as the elder statesman and voice of reason. Please Adele, come back, we need you.
In order of awfulness there was:
Tayler Swift – Tragically delusional, she now thinks she is Britney Spears. Make her die.
Nicki Minaj – Depressingly shameless, she has some nerve to lecture other rappers about artistic integrity.
Sam Smith – Ugh! Stop singing that same fucking song. He’s like Antony Hegarty without the gender intrigue. Hate him. Bring back Boy George if we need a pudgy gay white soul singer!
Maroon 5 – Adam Levine is a disgrace to the Chosen People. He needs to shave and to stop imitating Sting.
Jesse J – Ew, what is the point of her? She’s just a big man with a screechy voice.
Now, here’s what was good:
Iggy Azalea – because I love her and that’s that.
Rita Ora – because she can actually sing.
Usher – because he can dance.
Homeless Jesse – because he is really cute, and I liked his relative composure.
Miley Cyrus – Because she managed to look ‘classy’ by keeping her tongue in her mouth, and stole everyone’s thunder with that homeless shit.
Maybe now people can stop throwing buckets of ice water on themselves and start throwing water at Tayler Swift if at all possible.