Godammit, I’m Mad!

Is Mrs. Palin a human life? This is a critical question for me, not to mention this great country of ours.

Dr. James Dobson, a lunatic evangelist, spoke with Mrs. Palin oh his radio show today. It was an orgy of mutual ass-kissing that only a full-fledged Christian Zombie could stomach. It was god this, god that, with a nice emphasis on “special needs children.”

Mrs. P was happy to praise herself for giving birth to little Trig, who is god’s special way of showing his blessing.  She revealed that she had spent much of her pregnancy on her knees, ahem, praying for guidance.

Now of course, she loves those special needs kids so much that she is speaking against a Colorado initiative that was designed to help the state’s developmentally disabled population by raising the sales tax by one cent for every ten dollars spent in the next two years.

Also too, Mrs. P cut in half her own great state of Alaska’s funding for its Special Olympics program.

Once you’ve recovered from the interview, if you have been so privileged, you can go to the Pray For Sarah page where there is a cute little graph of the whole Palin family.

Mrs. P is reportedly scheduled to give her first policy speech tomorrow, “highlighting her commitment to families with special needs.”  If god is out there, couldn’t he smite her down with lightning? Couldn’t he choose her to suffer for our sins, rather than make us suffer for hers?

I know I speak for Dr. Dobson and everyone else when I say that I appreciate the sanctity of human life. But does Mrs. Palin herself actually qualify? I see no signs of this. All the more reason to get those medical records!

Are you wondering why Little Piper is carrying a $6,000 Louis Vuitton handbag? Oh, you, don’t be gettin’ all excited and thinkin’ that Mrs. P is planning on KEEPING that expensive stuff from Saks and Neiman Marcus! It’s all goin’ back! You know how Neiman’s lets you go around with your purchases and then lets you give ‘em back! Some of it is going to charity, of course.  Heaven knows, disabled kids love them some Louis Vuitton!

A reader calling herself Kim asks: “Don’t you people have anything better to do than judge other people? I can’t believe how rude you people are!!”

Kim, let me answer you this way: NO, WE DON’T!

Here at Godammit.com, we judge people. We figure that the good lord gave us the ability to make judgements, so why not exercise it? Like the great Gustave Flaubert, we are “severe mais juste.” Strict but fair.

In PAP Smear news, Mrs. P was unable to define “preconditions” and agreed to reveal her medical records IF she does in fact reveal them. Good to know!

In a new interview with People Magazine, Mrs. P and Todd “The Bully” Palin are asked “Who’s the better cook?” Mrs. P answers (god bless her heart) “I’m a better cooker.”  Hahahahaha!

Okay, I have been asked to list “11 Things” about me, and I feel it is my privilege to let the people of this great country and any other land mass to know these eleven things:

1. I buy and hoard red lipstick.
2. I have two adopted adult children who I met in cyberspace.
3. I’m afraid of squirrels.
4. I hate my next door neighbor, Alec.
5. There’s no such thing as too much coffee.
6. I’m blind without contact lenses (and with them, at this point)
7. I once got married in Tijuana, using fake ID.
8. I love “Free Bird.”
9. I am relentless in arguments about word usage.
10. No one will tolerate my singing.
11. I’m planning to launch the Crazy Mothers Club (CMC) for the daughters of crazy mothers, after Nov. 4.*

* Sign-ups on November 6

What, the RNC spent $150,000 on Mrs. P’s wardrobe?!?!?!

How can you spend that much money and still look like trailor trash?! Most of it was spent at Saks and Neiman Marcus, but all I can see are a bunch of tight black skirts, fitted jackets and cheap looking boots.  She definitely has her own style, which might be described as Small Town PTA Lady, or Middle Aged Beauty Queen.  Why can’t she look at some photos of Jackie Kennedy? Her awful fashion sense makes you forgive Hillary Clinton for her pantsuits. At least she didn’t rely on her sluttiness to distract people from what came out of her mouth.

Today, Mrs. P insisted for at least the forth time that the Vice President “is in charge of the United States Senate Senate.” Also too, if I am so privileged to keep typing, she swindled Alaska by spending $21,000 to fly her daughters around on government business, taking them to events where they weren’t invited and clearly had no function to perform.

Mrs. Palin, no no no no no! We don’t want any more of you!

No top lip, no fashion sense, no brains, no ethics, no shame, no nothing. Give Trig to Jan, let Bristol finish high school, get Track in rehab, send Willow to a family in Nigeria where she can experience maternal love, and sell Piper to the Gypsies while she’s still cute.

Ma haine dure.

*UPDATE: Watch Palin in the new extended Swimsuit Competition video! UGH!

Nothing relieves the tension and agony of this election like a good laugh, and you can get your fill by watching these excerpts of an interview Mrs. P gave to some Christian Broadcasting guy. She probably thinks that only her fan-base will be listening to this bullshit but no ma’am, we at PAP Smear are here to share the joy.

Here, you can watch Mrs. P proclaim that she stands by the ‘terrorist’ crap she lobbed at Obama. Watch her hand movements. She’s either a hula dancer or it’s a secret code to The Faithful.

Here, she explains why she couldn’t didn’t answer Katie Couric’s question about newspapers. It is so full of shit, so boldly false and brazenly self-serving, you will want to smash her in the face.

Now I know I sound enraged and resentful, but guess what? It’s a disorder called Palin Derangment Syndrome, according to this essay. Elsewhere, I read that Jewish women are more likely to resent Mrs. than any other group. Why, I have no idea. I do know that Sandra Bernhard got in trouble for calling her a “Goy Whore.” I wish I’d thought of that first, but I’m a non-observant Jew so my mind forgets to go in that direction.

I know I’m fixated on this awful woman for reasons both rational and unconscious but I’m going with it in the fervent hope that it will be over on November 5th. Meanwhile, imagine getting a robocall from Sarah Palin….or listen to a real one!

Also too, as she herself would say, being a person who must connect everything with “Also too,” her official website as Governor of Alaska is absolutely hilarious. There’s a page about “The First Gentleman,” which now sounds stupider than the First Dude, given what we know about this dope.

My personal favorite is this letter to Trig. (It’s long, but full of Palinesque craziness.)

Dear Trig, Trig Paxson Van Palin. What a terrific name! Trig, we in Alaska are so proud to have you in our Alaskan family. I look forward to seeing you grow into a fine young man. You are definitely blessed to be born into a family that has lots of love to give to you, your sisters, and brother. I don’t know your mom and dad personally, although I have gotten a couple of photos with your mom and have talked casually with your dad. They wouldn’t know me from Adam (or should I say Eve). Because your mom and dad are in the spotlight, we Alaskans feel we know them‚ and are proud of what we see. And‚ because of that, we had the pleasure of knowing when you were born. Even though your mom is Governor, I see she’s a regular person. I was getting out of my car in Wasilla, and who should get out of the car next to me? Your mom. And do you know what she was doing? Picking up her own cleaning from the dry cleaners. Now, how many governors would do that? She’s a person that’s very smart, but still is a regular person. I’m sure you already know how much your mom and dad love you. I’m also sure you know how important your sisters and brother are and that they love you also. That love is what’s going to make your life a good life. Trig, the most important thing I see in your life is that your mom and dad know the Lord, Jesus personally. How wonderful for you to be born into a Christian family! I hope and pray that as you get older, you will follow in your parents’ footsteps and find the Lord, Jesus as your best friend. Take care, Trig! It’s been nice talking to you! Very sincerely—Jan, Wasilla

Jan, not to freak you out or anything, but Mrs. Palin is refusing to make her medical records public. Maybe you should take it up with the Lord.  Very sincerely, Sister Wolf.

Dear Diary,

I am so doggone mad that the US government is so stuck in its Washington ways and so not truly in touch with the great people of this great nation. It has seen fit to declare the beluga whale an endangered species, even though Todd and me tried to block this very dangerous decision. It just makes me so mad! It’s like here I am the Governor of the great state of Alaska, but these elitist conservationists think they know more than me.

Doncha hate it when you’re just tryin’ to help this great country of ours to Drill baby drill, but they get some liberal elitist scientists to go all ‘declining population’ when we already told ‘em the whales are fine.

I hafta say that I like it when me and Todd are tryin to make babies, and he’ll sorta whisper “Drill baby drill” and it makes me feel almost as good as when I’m speakin’ at a big ol’ rally about some of the changes I’m gonna be makin over there in Washington if I am so blessed.

I told Todd, I said Todd, if the lord wants to bless us with another special baby it will be my privilege to just put that thing in a basket under my desk at the White House and let Piper keep it quiet while I am makin’ those important decisions to get this great nation back on the right track.

Speakin’ of Track, if that boy asks me for drug money one more time, I swear I’m gonna have his ass deployed to Afghanistan. I love my boy dearly but like I remind him, there are plenty more where he came from, so don’t do anything to screw up my chances. Between him and Bristol I can see where a woman might want to go ahead and use birth control. LOL, just kiddin’ of course.

Well, time for my hot cocoa and my phone-call to John, who is drivin’ me nuts with his crap about POW this and POW that. Poor Cindy, right? On November 5 I can tell John to just shove it and kiss my ass. Once I’m elected, that old bastard will learn who’s boss.

Dear Madge,

I’ve always hated you but for once you’ve made me happy.  First, because while posing for a picture of my big biker boots, I realize that I’m five years older than you and I never exercise. Ha ha, all that time and torture, you could have been sitting around on your ass and still look okay!

Much more important, Madge, you announced your divorce just when this great country of our needs an intervention. The election is ruining our days and haunting our dreams. Nothing short of your break-up with Guy could have diverted my attention from the horror that is John McCain and Mrs. Palin. Just this short break from the every day grind of fear and loathing has been a tonic!

I’ve been longing for this divorce since the day you got married. It proves that you can’t just move into an English manor and adopt a silly accent and expect people to forget what an annoying egomaniac you are. You’ve got half a billion dollars and you still can’t figure anything out! All Guy wanted was to get to make his gangster movies and have a couple of pints at night with his mates, but no, you couldn’t let him be happy.

You had to go fill your cheeks up with Sculptra and steal a black baby and run around in your leotard instead of turning your attention to poor Guy. You had to spend every day with Gwyneth in the gym, bitching about fame and making her lose weight. You had to make everybody go all Kabbalah, even your innocent kids, and then you had to go and fuck a married baseball player.

FIne, we know how much you love Latinos and sports stars but Madge, you ruined Guy’s reputation as a director and then you made him fly to New York to pretend things were cool! What is it exactly that you want, besides big muscles and and Ed Hardy tracksuits?

Whatever it is, I hope you never get it. You’ve been a constant irritant in the oyster of my life, without producing one single pearl, unless you count my abiding hatred as a precious gem. I’ve hated you through every one of your phases, and I know I’ll hate you in perpetuity. If the sun rises, I’ll hate you, is what I’m trying to say.

Thank you Madonna for letting us change the subject, however briefly, and for teaching us the true meaning of schadenfreude.

Oh god, who gives a shit about all these Joes?!?

Could you hate Grandpa more if you tried? Let us out the ways.

The crazy smile, the chipmunk cheeks, the erect thumb, the scars, the demand for “repudiation”…..

It almost makes you long for the old days, my friends, when we had Mavericks to kick around.

Did anyone hear Grandpa mention his “opposition to the Iraq war?” Everyone at my house screamed “WHAT?” but no one called him on it. Are we suffering from mass hysteria? After listening to the crowd at CNN saying it was McCain’s best performance yet, I have to wonder what planet I’m on.

What was good about it, can anyone explain? Was is the psychotic look on his face, the blinking, the piousness, the personal attacks, the flubbed words, the flabbergasting lies?

I am tempted to defend Joe Sixpack from the cruel shift of Republican affection. Why has he been abandoned like this?! Does he hate the unborn, or the partially unborn? I know how it feels to be cast aside, my friends, but I promise to fight for you and with you, if you’ll just give me a chance to spit out that crap I’ve been storing in my cheeks for winter!

Today, I had a moment of clarity. I understood why Grandpa and that Church Lady must not be allowed to win this election. He’s too old, and she’s too stupid.

Alas, there are a number of people who haven’t grasped this. And now that Grandpa told some senile old racist that No ma’am, Obama isn’t an Arab, his handlers seem to think he should get a medal for good conduct. To quote a rant I just read,

“Garnering credit for coming to the defense of Senator Obama is like an arsonist claiming heroism for saving lives after having set fire to the building in the first place.”

On a happier note, the super-hunky Levi Johnston has come forward to talk about his babymama, Bristol “What does Birth Control mean?” Palin. Levi says that he always planned to marry the young fertility goddess, although now he’s had to drop out of high school to get a job on an oilfield. Levi describes his current situation philosophically. “It’s pretty chill.”

Levi, I love you so much. You are what we Jews would call a mensch, even though you’ve probably never met an actual Jew. I love the way you stepped up for Bristol. I love that you’ve given up your dream of playing hockey, just like Track did. I love how you tattooed Bristol’s name on your finger. I bet that’s your trigger finger. I’ve seen you holding your big rifle, ahem. And I love that even though you refused to divulge the baby’s gender, you did reveal your plan to “take him hunting and fishing.”

When asked how he felt about joining the Palins at the RNC, Levi said “At first, I was nervous. Then I was like, whatever.”

God, I know just what he means! Who among us is not, like, whatever?

No one should be surprised that a guilty verdict means nothing to Mrs. P or her supporters. But it’s still disturbing to hear her express pleasure at being cleared of “any legal wrongdoing.” Does she deliberately use the word “legal” to distinguish that sort of wrongdoing from “ethical” wrongdoing? Is she a genius with words, when all along we’ve been calling her a moron? We will need to ask George Orwell to get the answer.

However, not only does she call guilty innocent, in this phone interview with reporters, she calls Troopergate “Tasergate.” A clever attempt to refocus attention to Trooper Wooten, the victim of her vendetta, who is accused of tasering his own son. But guess what, Mrs. Palin, Wooten’s son subsequently chose to live with his father after a custody dispute! Nice try, but flagrant foul, as they say in basketball.

If you read the report, you will find that Todd Palin had his own perch in his wife’s office, a conference table where he sat all day making threatening phone-calls on behalf of the deranged Missus. I thought the First Dude was supposed to be a house-husband?? Maybe this explains why he never holds that poor baby.  The best response to this shit is a story over here, which ends on this note:

“Elect these nutbars, and Todd Palin will be renditioning people who cut him off in traffic.”

Pap Smear, we must crank up our efforts. We must challenge Palin’s “verbage” and not allow any more nonsense to come out of her one-lipped mouth without calling her on it.

Let’s all thank the amazing Susan for finding this delightful image.  Susan is the one to go to when you want to know what’s going on, or what’s cool.

Then, while you’re enjoying the guilty verdict in Troopergate, find a moment to watch this enlightening video that outlines Mrs. P’s flip-flopping on “transparency”. It includes an audio tape of Mrs. Palin’s aide issuing a threat to a State Trooper Official.

That bitch couldn’t be more guilty if she shot that poor trooper and served him for dinner.  Her husband is guilty too, even if there’s no law against acting as your wife’s hit-man. Todd Palin is a simpleton and a bully but he’s no match in either department for his crazy, duplicitous wife.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I was so excited tonight, I forgot to put the new ice cream in the freezer. I now have a half-gallon of melted Limited Edition Dreyer’s Apple Pie ice cream to commemorate this historic victory for justice and sanity!