Godammit, I’m Mad!

If not, then how does she keep finding ways to be stupid? She is an unholy fountain of stupidity, a geyser of idiotic lies that won’t be stopped by nature, science or Grandpa McCain himself.

In her speech about special needs, she flouts science and makes what Newsweek reporter Richard Wolfe calls “The most mindless, ignorant, uninformed comment we’ve seen from Governor Palin so far.”

Whoa! That’s pretty fucking stupid! In Palin’s speech, she mocked research on fruit flies and said that money could be spent on autism research. In fact, fruit fly research has been instrumental in helping improve our understanding of autism. Watch her speech here, watch Richard Wolfe here, and read a fantastic rant about her here. The rant begins like this:

“This idiot woman, this blind, shortsighted ignoramus, this pretentious clod, mocks basic research and the international research community.”

How did I forget to call Mrs. Palin a pretentious clod?! Please accept my apology for being a slacker in the insult department. It won’t happen again, I promise.

In other news, Mrs. P says she won’t be wearin’ any more of those expensive elitist clothes for the rest of the campaign. She appeared in North Carolina, wearin’ her own jeans, and earlier she spoke in Tampa, wearin’ her own trashy jacket, showin’ off her crappy earrings, boastin’ about how frugal she is in Real Life. She’s even droppin’ her personal pronouns; “Happy to wear it,” she said of her $35 wedding ring.

Happy she’s happy. Even happier to read that she can’t accept any lucrative TV offers while serving as Alaska’s governor! It’s not like she would break the law or anything. Maybe she’ll decide to resign, in order to star in her own reality show.  Hopin’ she’ll drop dead before that happens.

Now, to add to Piper’s spinning head, there seems to be new Trig.  This is not the Trig Mrs. P paraded around at the RNC.

Did she swap Trig for this new model to distract us from Piper’s spinning head? To tell you the truth, I don’t know what this bitch is up to, after reading an extensive expose of her affiliation with a super-crazy element of Christian extremism called the  New Apostolic Reformation theology.  An arm of this movement is the Spiritual Warfare network, and let’s just say it’s beliefs are truly koo-koo for coco-puffs.  You can bone up on it here or you can just plan to stay far away from Alaska once she returns to carry out her plan of destroying all its endangered species and finding a way to create nuculer energy our of special needs kids.

If you’d like to see her lies debunked about wanting to be a Friend to special needs kids, go here.

An article in the Sunday New York Times is already online, outlining the shifting narratives of Grandpa’s campaign, and recounting his first private meeting with Mrs. Palin at his ranch in Arizona. One can only imagine them playing footsie as they drank their mugs of coffee and regaled each other with tales of their mavericky ways.

Pap Smear, I have taken some ‘medication” prescribed for me by the lord and it’s time to go and worship at the church I call My Freezer, where the sacriment of Banana Nut Ice Cream awaits me.  Sleep tight.

What, the RNC spent $150,000 on Mrs. P’s wardrobe?!?!?!

How can you spend that much money and still look like trailor trash?! Most of it was spent at Saks and Neiman Marcus, but all I can see are a bunch of tight black skirts, fitted jackets and cheap looking boots.  She definitely has her own style, which might be described as Small Town PTA Lady, or Middle Aged Beauty Queen.  Why can’t she look at some photos of Jackie Kennedy? Her awful fashion sense makes you forgive Hillary Clinton for her pantsuits. At least she didn’t rely on her sluttiness to distract people from what came out of her mouth.

Today, Mrs. P insisted for at least the forth time that the Vice President “is in charge of the United States Senate Senate.” Also too, if I am so privileged to keep typing, she swindled Alaska by spending $21,000 to fly her daughters around on government business, taking them to events where they weren’t invited and clearly had no function to perform.

Mrs. Palin, no no no no no! We don’t want any more of you!

No top lip, no fashion sense, no brains, no ethics, no shame, no nothing. Give Trig to Jan, let Bristol finish high school, get Track in rehab, send Willow to a family in Nigeria where she can experience maternal love, and sell Piper to the Gypsies while she’s still cute.

Ma haine dure.

*UPDATE: Watch Palin in the new extended Swimsuit Competition video! UGH!

Oh god, who gives a shit about all these Joes?!?

Could you hate Grandpa more if you tried? Let us out the ways.

The crazy smile, the chipmunk cheeks, the erect thumb, the scars, the demand for “repudiation”…..

It almost makes you long for the old days, my friends, when we had Mavericks to kick around.

Did anyone hear Grandpa mention his “opposition to the Iraq war?” Everyone at my house screamed “WHAT?” but no one called him on it. Are we suffering from mass hysteria? After listening to the crowd at CNN saying it was McCain’s best performance yet, I have to wonder what planet I’m on.

What was good about it, can anyone explain? Was is the psychotic look on his face, the blinking, the piousness, the personal attacks, the flubbed words, the flabbergasting lies?

I am tempted to defend Joe Sixpack from the cruel shift of Republican affection. Why has he been abandoned like this?! Does he hate the unborn, or the partially unborn? I know how it feels to be cast aside, my friends, but I promise to fight for you and with you, if you’ll just give me a chance to spit out that crap I’ve been storing in my cheeks for winter!

Today, I had a moment of clarity. I understood why Grandpa and that Church Lady must not be allowed to win this election. He’s too old, and she’s too stupid.

Alas, there are a number of people who haven’t grasped this. And now that Grandpa told some senile old racist that No ma’am, Obama isn’t an Arab, his handlers seem to think he should get a medal for good conduct. To quote a rant I just read,

“Garnering credit for coming to the defense of Senator Obama is like an arsonist claiming heroism for saving lives after having set fire to the building in the first place.”

On a happier note, the super-hunky Levi Johnston has come forward to talk about his babymama, Bristol “What does Birth Control mean?” Palin. Levi says that he always planned to marry the young fertility goddess, although now he’s had to drop out of high school to get a job on an oilfield. Levi describes his current situation philosophically. “It’s pretty chill.”

Levi, I love you so much. You are what we Jews would call a mensch, even though you’ve probably never met an actual Jew. I love the way you stepped up for Bristol. I love that you’ve given up your dream of playing hockey, just like Track did. I love how you tattooed Bristol’s name on your finger. I bet that’s your trigger finger. I’ve seen you holding your big rifle, ahem. And I love that even though you refused to divulge the baby’s gender, you did reveal your plan to “take him hunting and fishing.”

When asked how he felt about joining the Palins at the RNC, Levi said “At first, I was nervous. Then I was like, whatever.”

God, I know just what he means! Who among us is not, like, whatever?

Let’s all thank the amazing Susan for finding this delightful image.  Susan is the one to go to when you want to know what’s going on, or what’s cool.

Then, while you’re enjoying the guilty verdict in Troopergate, find a moment to watch this enlightening video that outlines Mrs. P’s flip-flopping on “transparency”. It includes an audio tape of Mrs. Palin’s aide issuing a threat to a State Trooper Official.

That bitch couldn’t be more guilty if she shot that poor trooper and served him for dinner.  Her husband is guilty too, even if there’s no law against acting as your wife’s hit-man. Todd Palin is a simpleton and a bully but he’s no match in either department for his crazy, duplicitous wife.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I was so excited tonight, I forgot to put the new ice cream in the freezer. I now have a half-gallon of melted Limited Edition Dreyer’s Apple Pie ice cream to commemorate this historic victory for justice and sanity!

I’ve listened to  Mrs. P at two separate campaign rallies, yesterday and today, answering questions about how she intends to keep her promise of being a friend to moms with special needs kids. Each time, she said that she would “make it a priority” in the schools. She would pay for this not by raising spending, but by “prioritizing.”

Somehow, I’m not convinced that she has a plan. I did read that she has a full-time babysitter for Trig on her payroll. Bless her heart!

I have also been so privileged as to read about Track Palin’s mysterious trip to Michigan to finish high school.  It’s because he and 3 other boys were arrested in 1985 for vandalizing some school buses while they were drunk. Believe me, I have spent hours reading about this and there is no doubt in my mind that this is why he enlisted in the armed forces instead of pursuing his ambition to be a professional hockey player.  It’s actually a pretty fascinating cover up.

Frankly, I am sick to death of Mrs. Palin but I am duty bound to hunt her down like the wolves she likes to shoot from helicopters.  By tomorrow, we’ll hear some kind of verdict in Troopergate, but I already know that nothing will stop this crazy bitch, nothing.  Read this and then drink yourself to sleep.

Meanwhile, I have been honored with a request from K-line to list six of my quirks. I’m not sure if these are quirks but here you go:

1. I still sleep with a blankie only it’s a shirt, named Shirty.
2. I scream when I rub my eyes, involuntarily. The Eye-Rubbing Scream still alarms my husband.
3. I’m afraid to drive on freeways.
4. I like to plan and carry out elaborate vendettas.
5. I love to dance to disco music.
6. I cross myself when I hear something dreadful, even though I’m an atheist Jew.

Now I’m supposed to tag a bunch of people and some other stuff but I’m too tired and need to go watch Nancy Grace.

If it weren’t for Tina Fey, how many of us would have killed ourselves by now? Tina Fey is all that stands between nervousness and mass hysteria. When you laugh at Tina’s Sarah Palin, the laughter is coming from a very dark place, a place where you want to see an ambition-crazed Bible thumper torn to pieces by starving polar bears.

Tina, please accept an honorary membership in PAP Smear, and the title of Blessed Catharsis!

Since things aren’t looking too good for Grandpa, Mrs. P says that “..now the heels are on, the gloves come off!” What the heck is she sayin’???? Is this a dominatrix reference, to excite the Republican base? Or is it just stripper talk?  PAP Smear decoders, get to work!

So now that the gloves are off,  Mrs. P is accusing Obama of  “palling around with terrorists who would target their own country.” Oh, please. GONG! Get her off the stage already.

If you want to really get scared, read this op ed piece in The New York Times about Palin’s ominous desire to be President.  Make sure you’ve got a handful of Xanax or a YouTube video of Tina Fey qued up.

So, looking ahead, what magic word will you be looking for in the Tuesday debate between Grandpa and Obama?  I’m guessing Grandpa will finally yell ‘Horseshit!’ Wouldn’t that be mavericky?!

*Update: Thanks to the diligence of our own OMGGMAB, we have this exciting clip of the Castro Brothers.

People, what is there to say? I know we are all still feeling hung-over from the “debate.” By now we all have discussed our favorite moments with friends and loved ones. The winks and nose-wrinkling. The doggone it. The Say it ain’t so, Joe. The kitchen table was invoked so often, it should have been allowed to have its own podium.

And what about the Castro Brothers? I have never heard that term in my life. The Castro Brothers? Did Grandpa make that one up for her? Was she really trying to say The Coen Brothers? Didn’t they make “Fargo,” where she got that accent from? Am I on to something, people?!

Let’s redouble our efforts to bring down this loathsome imbecile. Someone will have to research the entire Coen Brothers catalogue, to see if there are more code words we are missing.

Also, we need someone to compile a glossary of Palinspeak. “Maverick” clearly means “nuts” but I’m a little shaky on the rest of it.

We need to find out where Palin’s top lip went. Where the hell is it? I see the tattooed lipliner, yes, but where is the lip itself? Did she give it to the Pig, or is that something else? Help me, people, I cannot do this alone.

When Biden got all teary eyed, Mrs. Palin was like a block of ice. From that good state of Alaska, so near to Putin’s rearing head. A colder woman would be hard to imagine. I think she verified her steely heartlessness when she was finally passed the family mascot, poor little Trig, who was somehow sound asleep. She hit him on the back, over and over, even though sleeping infants DON’T NEED TO BURP! She finally succeeded in waking him up, the better to show off his little “Special Needs” features.

This bitch must die. I’m not advocating violence, no no no no. No sirree bob, heck no. But neither am I waving the white flag of surrender. When I say she should die, I am merely giving a shout out to the third grade. Hi, kids! Extra credit if you kill that mean Church Lady!

What was I saying again? Oh, never mind, I don’t have to follow a format, I want to speak directly to the people. People, would you like to see me keep on fighting this fight, or would you rather see more diversity here? I believe I used to have more on my mind. Perhaps I should try to access that other area of my dwindling brain.

*Also, you can now reach me at Sisterwolf666@gmail.com if you need to contact me. If you want to be on my blogrolll thing, let me know.

I know it’s not just me, because I went to a dinner where everyone was shouting across the table about Sarah Palin. I am now feeling resentful toward CBS, which keeps dribbling out more pieces of Katie Couric’s interview with that fucking moron. Can’t we just get it over with?! It’s starting to feel like an ongoing root canal of a great big molar.

Try reading Mrs. P’s answer when Katie Couric asked her if she disagreed with any Supreme Court decisions besides Roe vs Wade:

“Well, I could think of, of any again, that could be best dealt with on a more local level. Maybe I would take issue with. But you know, as mayor, and then as governor and even as a vice president, if I’m so privileged to serve, wouldn’t be in a position of changing those things but in supporting the law of the land as it reads today.”

How could Katie manage to contain herself?!  This sort of gibberish has inspired a Palinism Generator (thanks,  Nick, for finding it!)  My webmaster was nice enough to modify it slightly and here is our new version.

But it doesn’t stop there.  Here’s what Palin said in an interview with talk-show host Hugh Hewitt:

“It’s time that normal Joe Six-pack American is finally represented in the position of vice presidency.” [No, it isn't! ] “I know what Americans are going through. Todd and I, heck, we’re going through that right now even as we speak, which may put me again kind of on the outs of those Washington elite who don’t like the idea of just an everyday, working-class American running for such an office.”

Can’t you just hear that inexplicably Fargo-esque accent and diction??

She ends up revealing that the First Dude lost $20,000 from his 401(k) retirement account last week.  Wow, how the hell do you get to lose that much if you’re just, you know, Joe Six-Pack??

Here’s how: Regular ol’ Mrs. P is worth $1.2 million! How does she manage to look so trashy with that kind of money?!  Please, god, make that question come up in the debate!