Godammit, I’m Mad!

Without art, the crudeness of reality would make the world unbearable.
-George Bernard Shaw

What an honor to receive the gift of fan art. At least that’s what I’m calling this beautiful picture from Tanya, a sweet and talented follower of Godammit.com.  This is actually how I see myself a lot of the time. I love it, Tanya!

Pretty soon, I’m going to go into fund-raising mode. I may use Kickstarter or I may just beg. I am drowning in debt and the roof is leaking in the kitchen. I can’t get a job because I can’t get a job. Mr. Sister Wolf is working long hours but the hole gets deeper.

Any ideas for money-raising projects, please share them!

Any small donations, click on the Virgin Mary thing on the right.

Blessings either way, xo

What the hell are “Fashion Jews?”  Amy Odell is losing it over at The Cut.

The Cut is a HUGE blog. How can this headline still be up after it appeared this morning?! What next, Fashion Blacks? Or is it just a Jew Thing… like Sports Jews, Business Jews, Art Jews? I guess when I go to Starbucks, I’m a Coffee Jew.

I’ll bet you anything, by tomorrow someone will be selling t-shirts that say “Fashion Jew.” I want one!

Sometimes, you forget the shit you think you know, or should have known.  Here are two things I’ve learned this week:

1. You Can’t Judge a Book by its Cover.

I discovered that a blogger I’ve made fun of is actually a very nice girl with a kind heart and a sound perspective. Halcoholic has a lot of jewelry that I can’t stand, but she has an excellent sense of humor and a lovely disposition.  I misjudged her, and I am certainly man enough to say so. I can’t wait for her baby to get here!

2. You Can’t Get Blood From a Stone.

This one I had to be reminded about, by my dear friend R. You can’t un-crazy a crazy person, no matter how much you need them to be normal. It won’t happen. It’s a rule of physics stronger than the laws of gravity and thermodynamics. Crazy people will deliver more craziness each time you come back to the crazy well.

God, it feels good to learn something.  Knowledge may not set you free, but it’s the only thing you can truly acquire in this world. Everything else is just crap, like cockroach jewelry.

Today is my mom’s birthday and I’m burning a candle for her.

Ever since she died nine years ago, I’ve had a much better relationship with her. I read somewhere that the relationship you have with your mom is in your head, not in any temporal or objective reality. So now that she’s gone, I finally feel loved by her. I feel tenderness toward her, instead of fear or anger. I forgive her.

When my mom was diagnosed with cancer, she was told she had six months to live. My sister and I got hospice care for her, because she wanted to die in her own bed.

A couple of times, she asked me to help kill her. Each time, I explained that I just couldn’t consider it. I did what I could to provide comfort. My sister and I often spent the night with her, and we tried to conceal our anxiety and grief. She declined over the six months, becoming delusional at times and suspecting us of hiring fake rabbis or switching her drinking glass. Near the end, I chewed up food for her and fed it to her like a baby bird.

Finally, the last morning arrived and her beautiful Jamaican nurse called us to hurry over to say goodbye. Her death throes were terrifying and unbearable to watch, but we had to bear it. My sister and I each held one of her hands as she died. The nurse recited the Lord’s Prayer. My sister sobbed hysterically throughout.

Afterwards, we sat in my mom’s bedroom, paralyzed with shock.  Other family members arrived. I turned around in my chair and opened a drawer, not really thinking about what I was doing. In the drawer was her will, and nothing else.

I picked up the will and read the first line aloud. “I, _________, being of sound mind, hereby exclude my two daughters from this will. I do so deliberately, and should they contest it, they will receive not more than one dollar each.”

Mom, you were a funny one. Happy birthday.

Please forgive me Jesus, I can’t stop myself without Your help!

First, I was upset to see these $595 boots ( or rather, “kicks”) that have gotten so much press. Why does this poor girl need to spend so much on, let me quote here, “…my first piece of Alex Wang.”  “Alex??” Is that like someone buying the knock-off version by “Jeff” Campbell?

But then I am referred to an online magazine where the girl is featured in an interview and replying to the question, “What was the last thing you’ve bought?” the poor girl answers:

“A crew neck t-shirt from Obesity and Speed with ‘Choose Death’ printed on it. Can’t go wrong with that!”

Aaaah. Help me, help me, Jesus. Give me the courage, the wisdom, the serenity prayer, anything. The brand names, the goth cluelessness, no no no, take it away. Or help the poor girl to wise up.

The What band in 2003. Max on lead guitar.

Max is gone and free now.  Light a candle and wish him a safe journey.

If you don’t live in Los Angeles, you may not be familiar with Fred Segal, a retail establishment frequented by pop stars and wealthy anorexics. Long ago, I realized that Fred Segal is in league with Satan. But yesterday, I forgot.

Feeling bored and oppressed by existential malaise, I went to Fred Segal to look at earrings. I have been fixated on the idea of gold safety pin earrings and I knew Fred Segal would have some. It’s a knowledge based on the type of people who shop there and a dark intuition fostered by Satan Himself.

So there I was, in the full glory of unemployment, when the salesgirl said, “Yes, we do have gold saftey pin earrings!” She produced five pairs of earrings, one covered in tiny emeralds.  I tried on one earring and thought, Okay, got to have them.

I handed my credit card to the salesgirl, my heart pounding with excitement and guilt. The voices in my head argued about the purchase, with the Addict Voice taking the lead. “So what if you can’t afford them, so what!”

The salesgirl was having trouble with her computer. It wouldn’t recognize my card or anything else. She apologized and decided to reboot the computer.

As I waited, I felt the sense of deranged lust for the earrings start to wane. I could already predict the remorse. Maybe I didn’t even need to buy them. I told the salesgirl while she struggled, “If this goes on much longer, I will take it as a message from god that I don’t need these earrings.” She laughed and said, “No, it’s just a message from this computer, don’t worry, I’ll get it to work.”

She called a supervisor who tried to give her directions over the phone. Now I was sure: I didn’t give a shit about the earrings! Life would go on without them. In fact, life would be much, much better without them!

I reached over and grabbed my credit card and said. “I’m sorry, I’ve got to go now. Too bad it didn’t work out.”

I marched out of there as fast as my wonky hip would allow, dizzy with the joy of missing a bullet. God was stronger than Satan and I owe Him one. If he would hide my fucking credit card, so much the better.

Patti Smith gave a commencement speech at Pratt Institute on Monday night:

“I’ve been thinking about what I’d like to talk about: Moby Dick, the slaves of Michelangelo, Hans Hoffman, My Bloody Valentine, but now that I’m here, my greatest urge is to speak to you of dental care.  My generation had a rough go, dentally.”

Listen to the whole speech here. No one is wiser, funnier, or cooler.