Godammit, I’m Mad!

Today I stopped at a Starbucks on my way home from an exciting outing to a box store. I checked out the two girls in front of me, who were decked out in a weird combination of work-out attire and leather. They were both tall and somewhat lesbitious looking.

One of them addressed the barista as though speaking to a member of a lower caste. “We want the coffee that gives money to AIDS,” she explained. “We want to make sure we get that kind, okay? That’s why we came here.”

(Now, I’ve seen the new Starbucks commercial, announcing that 5 cents from each coffee will go to the Aids fund.)

The guy looked baffled but game. “Uh, okay,” he said. “I’m not sure what kind that is.” He conferred with another guy and took the girls’ orders. They spoke loudly, like the Martian family on Saturday Night Live pretending to be from Paris.

“How do we know that the money is going to the charity?” demanded the more lesbitious of the two. The guy fumbled his way through an answer, obviously unaware of how the Starbucks ‘Red’ enterprise was supposed to work.

Watching this interaction, I was absolutely flabbergasted. I wanted to scream, “I’ll give five dollars to AIDS if you’ll just shut the fuck up and let me get my coffee, you fucking morons! You’re talking about ten cents!”

After politely ordering a normal cup of coffee, I wandered outside, filled with rage and wonder. Are there really people walking around, expecting the Nobel prize for giving ten cents to charity? This is why I’m better off staying at home and sending the husband to go to the box store.

I’ve just read about the Starbucks Red deal at the Starbucks website, where I learned that:

“In honor of the 20th World AIDS Day on Dec. 1, Starbucks will contribute five cents from every hand-crafted beverage sold that day at participating stores in the U.S. and Canada to increase awareness of AIDS in Africa.”

Hand-crafted beverage?! God. Just yesterday, I realized how much I hate the word “artisan,” thanks to hearing it attached to things like bread. Now I’m ready to hate “hand-crafted” too.

On one of the blogs I like to read for sheer masochistic mental anguish, the mostly male commenters are arguing about the nature of intelligence. They can’t agree what an “intellectual” is, but they know they don’t like it. They’re also going on about Blacks being “cunning” rather than intelligent.

I can’t imagine women having this sort of argument. It’s too silly on the one hand, and too racist on the other. Who gives a shit? Women know what intelligence is and they don’t pretend not to. No wonder men don’t want to talk to us; we can’t take this kind of pompous pissing contest seriously.

Elsewhere, the ever-delightful Mr. Duff, who likes to annoy my commenters, has called them “retards” and “nobodies” in a rant (about intellectuals) on his own blog. Retards, good. We’re Retards. But “nobodies?” What kind of an adult man wants to obsess over the definition of Intellectual and then call a group of people Nobodies?

Men! They are always so confused about what to take seriously. And yet, they buy Extenze. Have we all seen the commercials where a dazed looking woman promises that Extenze will make “that certain part of a man” bigger? The first time I saw it, I yelled “What, his ego?” Which I thought was a really good joke, even though my husband failed to crack a smile.

Now there’s a new Extenze commercial where a married couple sits together looking smug and self-congratulatory. The man says something like he thought is would be “fun” to be “bigger.” The woman agrees suggestively that it WAS “fun.”

Hahaha! What’s wrong with men, I mean people?? A bigger dick is not the answer. I almost hate to break the news, know what I mean? But while looking for Extenze, I just came upon a website called Penis Enlargement Planet. And it’s about penis enlargement. What a waste of a great domain name!

The sillyness of men can be mind-boggling or endearing, depending on the size of their penis. JUST KIDDING! It can also be really frustrating. Take this simple quiz:

Person A asks Person B why they are mad. Person B denies being mad. Person A asks again. Person B states angrily that they weren’t mad, but now they are.

Who is the man, Person A or Person B?

Two new collections of essays by George Orwell are as relevant today as when he wrote them. In Orwell’s “Politics and the English Language” (1946) he connects degraded language with the decline of contemporary culture and political thought. He also says this:

“All issues are political issues, and politics itself is a mass of lies, evasions, folly, hatred, and schizophrenia.”

Keeping that in mind, an important essay by Mark Lilla in the Wall Street Journal outlines the history of “Populist Chic”  and what it means for the conservative intellectual tradition. He describes how a disdain for liberal intellectuals slipped into “a disdain for the educated class as a whole.”  He laments that the result of this movement was the promotion “of a candidate like Sarah Palin, whose ignorance, provinciality and populist demagoguery represent everything older conservative thinkers once stood against.”

On the same track is an op-ed in the New York Times today called “Obama and the War on Brains.” Nicholas Kristof reminds us that the second most remarkable thing about Obama’s election “is that American voters have just picked a president who is an open, out-of-the-closet, practicing intellectual.”

Yeah, baby! That’s what I’m talking about. Let’s make stupidity a sin instead of celebrating it. Eight years of W have been more than enough. People who don’t read newspapers and scoff at science should know enough to be ashamed of themselves.

We need to raise the tone! We need to insist that people think and read and be proud of their vocabularies instead of being afraid to sound elitist. America is the only country I know of where “real people” means simpletons. We need to respect intellectuals instead of regarding them as suspect.

Today my friend Mark was visiting from Connecticut and he tried to describe how his hatred of Sarah Palin wasn’t just partisan but personal. That’s the issue that has set many of us apart from other Democrats and liberals: We fucking hate her and we still do! I think that above all, it’s the proud stupidity that she wears like a crown. Today in an interview at her home, while cooking up some moose, she said this:

“Regarding information regarding my record, that its now out there much of it that was based on misinformation was a very, very frustrating thing to have to go through when the record was never corrected.”

Huh? Say again, in English?

Asked to be specific about the misinformation, she said…..

“Some of the goofy things like who was Trig’s mom. Well, I’m Trig’s mom (raises her hand) and do you want to see my medical records to prove that?”

Hahahahaha! YES, YOU MORON, we do!  Until she does, I guess I’m doomed to keep hating her and writing about it.  Just not all the time.

To every right-wing asshole who has blighted our lives during this election: HAHA! WE WON!!

Haha! to Fox “News”

Haha! to Rush Limbaugh

Haha! to racists

Haha! to Todd and Sarah

Haha! to Karl Rove

Haha! to War Criminals Bush and Cheney

Feel free to add your own Haha.  I love my passionate commenters and I am grateful for all your support during this fight against stupidity, lies and bigotry.  If you want to here me rant again on Australian radio, go here and click on “Hair of the Blog 2/11.”

PAP Smear, congratulations and blessings be upon you! People DO have the power. If we can’t all get together for Obama’s inauguration, we can at least drink a toast to victory together.

Tomorrow, I plan to be mad about something else. What a fucking relief!

Citing her right to privacy, Gov. Sarah Palin refused to say who she voted for after emerging from her polling place in Wasilla, Alaska.

That’s right, she wouldn’t say she voted for her own presidential ticket. We assume she did, but she stood on principle and wouldn’t say. She did say the secret ballot is one of the “cool” things about the U.S.

Hahaha! She can’t tell the truth about anything. God, I almost love her.

Goodbye, you stupid bitch. Close the door behind you. Let’s let Honeypants have the last word, since she found this beautiful picture that encompasses the entire story of Mrs. P.

‘HA! That same liberal Jew co-worker just got back from knocking on doors all morning in Hollygrove (the neighborhood of NOLA where Lil Wayne is from), and he said some old black man was crying and said “I never thought I’d live to see the day when a young white man came knocking on my door to tell me to vote for the young black man.” ‘

If not, then how does she keep finding ways to be stupid? She is an unholy fountain of stupidity, a geyser of idiotic lies that won’t be stopped by nature, science or Grandpa McCain himself.

In her speech about special needs, she flouts science and makes what Newsweek reporter Richard Wolfe calls “The most mindless, ignorant, uninformed comment we’ve seen from Governor Palin so far.”

Whoa! That’s pretty fucking stupid! In Palin’s speech, she mocked research on fruit flies and said that money could be spent on autism research. In fact, fruit fly research has been instrumental in helping improve our understanding of autism. Watch her speech here, watch Richard Wolfe here, and read a fantastic rant about her here. The rant begins like this:

“This idiot woman, this blind, shortsighted ignoramus, this pretentious clod, mocks basic research and the international research community.”

How did I forget to call Mrs. Palin a pretentious clod?! Please accept my apology for being a slacker in the insult department. It won’t happen again, I promise.

In other news, Mrs. P says she won’t be wearin’ any more of those expensive elitist clothes for the rest of the campaign. She appeared in North Carolina, wearin’ her own jeans, and earlier she spoke in Tampa, wearin’ her own trashy jacket, showin’ off her crappy earrings, boastin’ about how frugal she is in Real Life. She’s even droppin’ her personal pronouns; “Happy to wear it,” she said of her $35 wedding ring.

Happy she’s happy. Even happier to read that she can’t accept any lucrative TV offers while serving as Alaska’s governor! It’s not like she would break the law or anything. Maybe she’ll decide to resign, in order to star in her own reality show.  Hopin’ she’ll drop dead before that happens.

Now, to add to Piper’s spinning head, there seems to be new Trig.  This is not the Trig Mrs. P paraded around at the RNC.

Did she swap Trig for this new model to distract us from Piper’s spinning head? To tell you the truth, I don’t know what this bitch is up to, after reading an extensive expose of her affiliation with a super-crazy element of Christian extremism called the  New Apostolic Reformation theology.  An arm of this movement is the Spiritual Warfare network, and let’s just say it’s beliefs are truly koo-koo for coco-puffs.  You can bone up on it here or you can just plan to stay far away from Alaska once she returns to carry out her plan of destroying all its endangered species and finding a way to create nuculer energy our of special needs kids.

If you’d like to see her lies debunked about wanting to be a Friend to special needs kids, go here.

An article in the Sunday New York Times is already online, outlining the shifting narratives of Grandpa’s campaign, and recounting his first private meeting with Mrs. Palin at his ranch in Arizona. One can only imagine them playing footsie as they drank their mugs of coffee and regaled each other with tales of their mavericky ways.

Pap Smear, I have taken some ‘medication” prescribed for me by the lord and it’s time to go and worship at the church I call My Freezer, where the sacriment of Banana Nut Ice Cream awaits me.  Sleep tight.

Is Mrs. Palin a human life? This is a critical question for me, not to mention this great country of ours.

Dr. James Dobson, a lunatic evangelist, spoke with Mrs. Palin oh his radio show today. It was an orgy of mutual ass-kissing that only a full-fledged Christian Zombie could stomach. It was god this, god that, with a nice emphasis on “special needs children.”

Mrs. P was happy to praise herself for giving birth to little Trig, who is god’s special way of showing his blessing.  She revealed that she had spent much of her pregnancy on her knees, ahem, praying for guidance.

Now of course, she loves those special needs kids so much that she is speaking against a Colorado initiative that was designed to help the state’s developmentally disabled population by raising the sales tax by one cent for every ten dollars spent in the next two years.

Also too, Mrs. P cut in half her own great state of Alaska’s funding for its Special Olympics program.

Once you’ve recovered from the interview, if you have been so privileged, you can go to the Pray For Sarah page where there is a cute little graph of the whole Palin family.

Mrs. P is reportedly scheduled to give her first policy speech tomorrow, “highlighting her commitment to families with special needs.”  If god is out there, couldn’t he smite her down with lightning? Couldn’t he choose her to suffer for our sins, rather than make us suffer for hers?

I know I speak for Dr. Dobson and everyone else when I say that I appreciate the sanctity of human life. But does Mrs. Palin herself actually qualify? I see no signs of this. All the more reason to get those medical records!

Are you wondering why Little Piper is carrying a $6,000 Louis Vuitton handbag? Oh, you, don’t be gettin’ all excited and thinkin’ that Mrs. P is planning on KEEPING that expensive stuff from Saks and Neiman Marcus! It’s all goin’ back! You know how Neiman’s lets you go around with your purchases and then lets you give ‘em back! Some of it is going to charity, of course.  Heaven knows, disabled kids love them some Louis Vuitton!

A reader calling herself Kim asks: “Don’t you people have anything better to do than judge other people? I can’t believe how rude you people are!!”

Kim, let me answer you this way: NO, WE DON’T!

Here at Godammit.com, we judge people. We figure that the good lord gave us the ability to make judgements, so why not exercise it? Like the great Gustave Flaubert, we are “severe mais juste.” Strict but fair.

In PAP Smear news, Mrs. P was unable to define “preconditions” and agreed to reveal her medical records IF she does in fact reveal them. Good to know!

In a new interview with People Magazine, Mrs. P and Todd “The Bully” Palin are asked “Who’s the better cook?” Mrs. P answers (god bless her heart) “I’m a better cooker.”  Hahahahaha!

Okay, I have been asked to list “11 Things” about me, and I feel it is my privilege to let the people of this great country and any other land mass to know these eleven things:

1. I buy and hoard red lipstick.
2. I have two adopted adult children who I met in cyberspace.
3. I’m afraid of squirrels.
4. I hate my next door neighbor, Alec.
5. There’s no such thing as too much coffee.
6. I’m blind without contact lenses (and with them, at this point)
7. I once got married in Tijuana, using fake ID.
8. I love “Free Bird.”
9. I am relentless in arguments about word usage.
10. No one will tolerate my singing.
11. I’m planning to launch the Crazy Mothers Club (CMC) for the daughters of crazy mothers, after Nov. 4.*

* Sign-ups on November 6

Nothing relieves the tension and agony of this election like a good laugh, and you can get your fill by watching these excerpts of an interview Mrs. P gave to some Christian Broadcasting guy. She probably thinks that only her fan-base will be listening to this bullshit but no ma’am, we at PAP Smear are here to share the joy.

Here, you can watch Mrs. P proclaim that she stands by the ‘terrorist’ crap she lobbed at Obama. Watch her hand movements. She’s either a hula dancer or it’s a secret code to The Faithful.

Here, she explains why she couldn’t didn’t answer Katie Couric’s question about newspapers. It is so full of shit, so boldly false and brazenly self-serving, you will want to smash her in the face.

Now I know I sound enraged and resentful, but guess what? It’s a disorder called Palin Derangment Syndrome, according to this essay. Elsewhere, I read that Jewish women are more likely to resent Mrs. than any other group. Why, I have no idea. I do know that Sandra Bernhard got in trouble for calling her a “Goy Whore.” I wish I’d thought of that first, but I’m a non-observant Jew so my mind forgets to go in that direction.

I know I’m fixated on this awful woman for reasons both rational and unconscious but I’m going with it in the fervent hope that it will be over on November 5th. Meanwhile, imagine getting a robocall from Sarah Palin….or listen to a real one!

Also too, as she herself would say, being a person who must connect everything with “Also too,” her official website as Governor of Alaska is absolutely hilarious. There’s a page about “The First Gentleman,” which now sounds stupider than the First Dude, given what we know about this dope.

My personal favorite is this letter to Trig. (It’s long, but full of Palinesque craziness.)

Dear Trig, Trig Paxson Van Palin. What a terrific name! Trig, we in Alaska are so proud to have you in our Alaskan family. I look forward to seeing you grow into a fine young man. You are definitely blessed to be born into a family that has lots of love to give to you, your sisters, and brother. I don’t know your mom and dad personally, although I have gotten a couple of photos with your mom and have talked casually with your dad. They wouldn’t know me from Adam (or should I say Eve). Because your mom and dad are in the spotlight, we Alaskans feel we know them‚ and are proud of what we see. And‚ because of that, we had the pleasure of knowing when you were born. Even though your mom is Governor, I see she’s a regular person. I was getting out of my car in Wasilla, and who should get out of the car next to me? Your mom. And do you know what she was doing? Picking up her own cleaning from the dry cleaners. Now, how many governors would do that? She’s a person that’s very smart, but still is a regular person. I’m sure you already know how much your mom and dad love you. I’m also sure you know how important your sisters and brother are and that they love you also. That love is what’s going to make your life a good life. Trig, the most important thing I see in your life is that your mom and dad know the Lord, Jesus personally. How wonderful for you to be born into a Christian family! I hope and pray that as you get older, you will follow in your parents’ footsteps and find the Lord, Jesus as your best friend. Take care, Trig! It’s been nice talking to you! Very sincerely—Jan, Wasilla

Jan, not to freak you out or anything, but Mrs. Palin is refusing to make her medical records public. Maybe you should take it up with the Lord.  Very sincerely, Sister Wolf.