Top Ten Worst People

hitler number one

Someone just remarked to me that calling Mother Theresa ‘bad’ was only relative; on a scale of 1 to 10, was she as bad as Hitler, or Pol Pot?

So now, probably because I’m a little stoned, I’m trying to organize Bad People, which is harder than it sounds.

On the spectrum of Bad People, with Hitler being the Most Bad, who would be the Least Bad? I can’t even begin to figure out how to define the lowest rung of Badness.

So fuck that.

How about just creating a list of the top ten Worst People? That shouldn’t be too hard.

If we include everyone in history, we might not even get to Hitler, so we have to limit this to 20th and 21st Century, because on everyone’s list, Hitler is always number one. It’s a given. Hitler never gets old. Just look at your cable history channel or go to a book store.

So now we have Hitler and we need 9 more Worst People.

Here’s where I am:

hitler
dick cheney
bill cosby
roman polansky
manson
ted bundy
madonna
kissinger
mobutu
leni Riefenstahl

I’m too stoned to capitalize, and they’re not in order, obviously.

Is it wrong to include Roman Polanski? It took me years to admit he was bad, and I may have magnified his badness to make up for lost time.

Don’t argue about Madonna. She launched a million pole-dancers pretending to be singers. She can be number ten, how’s that?

Okay, now I need help.

Would it be easier to make it Top Twenty? Or can we agree on ten?

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Mother Theresa Was No Saint

Young Mother Theresa, left

Young Mother Theresa, left

I never liked Mother Theresa, despite her reputation as the embodiment of selfless compassion.

She looked kind of sinister, and even smiling she exuded no warmth.

I felt vindicated to learn that she had many critics.

Aroup Chatterjee, a doctor who grew up in Kolkata, published a book in 2003 based on scores of testimonies from people who had worked with her Missionary of Charity and charged that the medical care given to sick and dying people was negligible. Syringes were reused without sterilization, pain relief was non-existent or inadequate, and conditions were unhygienic.

Christopher Hitchens wrote in his book about Mother Theresa that the focus of her work, was

not the honest relief of suffering but the promulgation of a cult based on death and suffering and subjection”.

Journalist Donal Macintyre spent a week working undercover in a Missionaries of Charity home for disabled children in Kolkata in 2005. He concluded that

“for the most part, the care the children received was inept, unprofessional and, in some cases, rough and dangerous.”

Three years ago, a study by academics at the University of Montreal concluded that the Vatican had ignored Mother Teresa’s

“rather dubious way of caring for the sick, her questionable political contacts, her suspicious management of the enormous sums of money she received, and her overly dogmatic views regarding … abortion, contraception and divorce.”

Hindu nationalists have claimed that Mother Teresa was a ‘soul harvester’ who proselytized among the poor, and that she and her followers surreptitiously baptized the dying without their knowledge or permission.

Meanwhile, Mother Teresa spent much of her time flying around the world in a private plane to meet political leaders. She procured a fortune in donations but no one knows where the money went.  She refused to make improvements in her ‘hospitals’ – like water heaters – that could have relieved the suffering of those who turned to her for help.

Mother Teresa said that suffering was a gift from God.

I was once admitted to a hospital where a nurse in charge appeared to agree, and it was pretty fucking scary.

She may be a Saint now, but it would make more sense for the sick and needy to pray for a clean emergency room than to ask that bitch for any favors.

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The Lena Dunham Problem, Solved

lena dunham

If you’ve always felt uneasy about disliking Lena Dunham, today she has given you license to go ahead and find her repugnant.

You don’t have to struggle with your looks-ism or whatever else was holding you back.

She’s an annoying self-obsessed idiot. She’s not gonna guilt-trip me into giving her a pass.

I can’t stand her. (Say it along with me if you want.)

Her newsletter Lenny is a primer on everything bad about millennial feminism, and her writing in Lenny is an excruciating mix of baby talk and pseudo-academic gibberish.

Be that as it may, today she published a chatty interview with one of her many best BFF’s, Amy Schumer.  I won’t speak ill of Amy Schumer, because duh, we lover her.

They are discussing their mutual disappointment with the Met Gala, where they sat at the same table and felt out of place, being too hip for the room etc. :

AS: I left so early. When did you leave?

LD: I attempted to grind my ass on Michael B. Jordan for an additional twenty minutes and then left right after you.

I was sitting next to Odell Beckham Jr., and it was so amazing because it was like he looked at me and he determined I was not the shape of a woman by his standards. He was like, “That’s a marshmallow. That’s a child. That’s a dog.” It wasn’t mean — he just seemed confused.

The vibe was very much like, “Do I want to fuck it? Is it wearing a … yep, it’s wearing a tuxedo. I’m going to go back to my cell phone.” It was like we were forced to be together, and he literally was scrolling Instagram rather than have to look at a woman in a bow tie. I was like, “This should be called the Metropolitan Museum of Getting Rejected by Athletes.”

I don’t know who Michael B. Jordan or Odell Beckham Jr are, but they have my support and sympathy.

I gather that they are black, and that they have broken some law by not wanting to hook up with Lena Dunham.

On the one hand, she doesn’t want women to be objectified but on the other hand, she’s mad if they’re not. Men are objects so that’s fine.

On the one hand, she like to show up at red carpet events looking as aggressively unattractive as humanly possible – horrible dresses that wouldn’t look good on Miss Universe, barrettes in her hair like a 6  year old – but on the other hand, you’re a fucker if you’re not smitten.

I know it’s overkill but let me cite this exchange for emphasis:

LD: The other thing that I get really crazy about is this new world in which women aren’t just supposed to be protected from actions, they’re supposed to be protected from language. Women are so strong. My ovary has basically exploded in my stomach twice, and I was pretty chill about it. You think I can’t listen to some short comedy loser say something dumb about rape?

AS: Right.

LD: I’m not going to cry, I’m a fucking queen.

NO YOU AREN’T!

Shut up already and leave everybody alone! You’re just not helping.

Thoughts?

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Millennials Ruin Everything

hipster downtown reading nausea

On an excursion to downtown L.A., we came across this hipster outside a coffee house, reading Nausea.

It was like seeing a panda in its own habitat, only better.  I know it looks posed, but I swear to god he is real!

Downtown Los Angeles has a burgeoning ‘arts district’, i.e. a run-down industrial neighborhood crammed with organic cafes and tiny shops selling vintage Americana. Young people wander around looking drab and gender-challenged. There’s a lot of third-wave coffee and it is delicious.

While admiring my photo of the hipster this evening, I realized that it might be more accurate to call him a millennial.

I think there’s a real difference but I’m still working it out.

Hipsters like to have fun, for one thing, but millennials are sourpusses.

Millennials don’t want to acquire furniture or children, and they all work in tech or spend all their time on Instagram.

They are married to their iPhones and Androids and they seem to enjoy irony without actually having a sense of humor. They reject traditional politics but they hate Israel.

According to one pundit, they have ruined 47 institutions and industries. They don’t use napkins or eat cereal.

God, who needs them, right?

Reading an essay about  them tonight, I had to learn a new word: Precarity.

Precarity is a precarious existence, lacking in predictability, job security, material or psychological welfare. The social class defined by this condition has been termed the precariat.

Apparently, we should think of millennials as a generation forced to live pared-down lives, victims of the broken economy rather than brats who disdain their parents’ furniture.

And likewise, they’ve been given a bad rap by “self-hating Boomers.”

Hahahaha!

At least millennials have crated an awful new jargon full of terms like ‘toxic-masculinity’ and ‘virtue-signalling’. If they keep up the word-coinage, I may learn to like them!

Or at least forgive them.

 

 

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The New 63

the new 63

The New 63 is the same as the old 63, but with more resentment and defensiveness.

I hesitated to write this post about my birthday, since my age would be off-putting to young people. Who cares what an old bag thinks about anything?

Well, the hesitation is the essence of the New 63.

Aging has become a real detriment (if not an outright crime) in some circles. The Daily Mail likes to show pictures of actresses on the beach with titles like “Still hot at 45!”  It stops me in my tracks every time, like, what do they expect, a fucking mummy at 45 years old?

45 was great. I was probably a babe but I can’t remember because I just turned 63.

I’m way beyond relevant as a blogger. Luckily, my identity isn’t invested in being an Influencer. I write because I need to. I work out my shit online, with your help.

But our culture values youth above all else.  In L.A., where I live, women dress like their daughters and wear fake nails. I feel sorry for them, even though I’m still wearing the same stuff I liked to wear as a teenager.

That’s because I forget that I’m not the same me I feel like.

Inside, I’m just as stupid and insecure, lazy, confused, rebellious, sarcastic and lost as the me I’ve been all my life.

When I was 18, my best friend and I planned to be spinsters together in old age. We would dress like Victorian widows and scream at little kids from our window. Somewhere along the line, we let that dream go.

My mother-in-law will be 100 in January, and she says I’m just a kid. She doesn’t complain about being old; it’s what her generation expected.

Can you imagine?! I could never put up with thirty-five more years of this!

Meanwhile, I have very little wisdom to impart except WEAR SUNBLOCK and try to marry someone who will love you even as you are shrieking “I look like a Sumo wrestler!” while grabbing a handful of your own flab.

That is love and love is the answer.

But getting old is still pretty horrifying.

 

 

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MTV Awards 2016 Exegesis

mtv awards 2016 exegesis

It was a night of big thighs and vigorous twerking, with white “artists” scoring a perfect zero.

Kanye provided the obligatory dis to Taylor Swift in a short but obnoxious tribute to himself.

Taylor is a bad sport, so in the absence of nominations she was a no-show, which was a relief.

But even without Taylor, it was a painfully tedious and mostly stupid affair. punctuated by FOUR exciting performances by my fiance, Rihanna.

Riri showed off her versatility as a singer and fashion icon, on point throughout  She is nothing but good. She is a goddess,  she is gangsta, she designs great shoes, and as a bonus, she doesn’t pretend to be a feminist.

On the feminism front, we had Beyonce strutting about in her leotard, whipping her long extensions around and shaking her ass in a medley about a cheating husband and her African American heritage. It was a strong case for women’s equality.

Poor Britney Spears lip-synced her way through a sad showgirl routine, unaccountably joined by a creepy young douche called G-Eazy. D-Sgusting.

Joe Jonas pretended not to be gay in a dopey production number that started off in a diner. Don’t ask me, I have no idea.

In the huge butt department, Nicki Minaj went overboard this year, looking absolutely gigantic. Kim Kardashian wore a see-through dress, revealing that she has now lost too much weight to deliver the customary shock of her massive ass. EAT, KIM, before it’s too late!

Future performed an aggressive rap, grabbing his crotch and surrounded by gyrating thugs. Whatever he was rapping about, it was obscured by bleeps. I guess that’s a good sign if you’re a rapper, right?

What else?

A band called DNCE won the best new artist award and were a noteworthy eyesore. Here, look for yourself:

dnce

It’s hard to believe they’re real. I’m just glad they didn’t perform.

Ariana Grande pranced across the stage in a bra, singing loudly but unable to enunciate. Does anyone know the point of her?

Okay, that’s it. Sorry. Let me know if I forgot anything.

 

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Apologies To Leslie Jones, Even Though I’m White

gloria steinem dorothy pittman

I want to apologize to Leslie Jones for the awfulness of people on the Internet.

When she was abused on Twitter by a bunch of brain-damaged racist trolls led by some cunt from Breitbart, I was truly aghast at the level of cruelty out there.

It reminded me of the time I was the victim of trolling, an experience I will never forget. Being trolled by an organized group is like a spiritual gang rape. You can’t believe people are so crazy. You feel dehumanized for a reason: Trolls don’t think of you as human. You are just prey.

And yet the Leslie Jones trolls are so vile, your heart breaks just to read a sample of their invective. It’s like a gang of malevolent infants throwing their own shit around and reveling in it.

I just read that the Department of Homeland Security will be investigating the hacking of Jones’ website, and you know they’re going to get that fucker (or fuckers.)

But I also just read something less encouraging, in a piece on Vox about defending Leslie Jones with the hashtag #IStandWithLeslie.  The writer discusses the attacks in the context of ‘misogynoir,’ meaning misogyny targeting black women.

I admit I didn’t know this was a thing, that’s how ignorant/sheltered/politically unaware I am. And the Vox piece tells me that hashtag activism…

needs to be connected to the multiple ways black women are systemically targeted and exploited offline, and redress those problems accordingly.

Okay. Or so I thought.

Evidently Katy Perry rushed to Jones’ defense on Twitter, even denouncing “misogynoir crime.” Good for Katy, right?

No. Wrong.

The Vox writer scolds Katy Perry for her cultural appropriation.

Even though Perry signal-boosted misogynoir, she in her music video for the 2014 single “This is How We Do” can be seen sporting cornrows, baby hairs gelled down, looking at the camera while deploying slang rooted in black culture like “I see you” with a pursed lip.

Perry — like Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift — is one of the many celebrities who have created their own cultural cool co-opting the fashion (and sometimes the actual bodies) of women of color as props to give them an edge. And while Perry, as a white woman, is praised, the injustice comes from the fact that the women of color she emulates, like Jones, are punished for doing the same thing.

Here I will stop and lament that we have come to this.

I want to apologize to Leslie Jones EVEN THOUGH I’M WHITE! I genuinely deplore the abuse she has suffered and I worry about her well-being. I look up to her and I feel for her, even though I listen to soul music and own a necklace that says THUG in rhinestones.

Black culture is not sacrosanct in my house and neither is any other culture including my husband’s Mexican one and my Jewish one. We are elevated and enhanced by appreciating cultures outside our own upbringing.

I love you Leslie Jones, whether that Vox writer likes it or not. I hope you will accept my sincere apology on behalf of the human race.

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The Wisdom Of Lock-Up Extended Stay

I watched Lock-Up Extended Stay the other night for the first time in years, having dismissed it as too voyeuristic and depressing.

Now, it seems to be full of existential wisdom.

You can view the prison as a metaphor for Life, with each convict choosing a method of coping

One prisoner doesn’t dwell on the sordid past and seems unduly optimistic about what lies ahead. One prisoner admits his terrible crimes but feels at peace with himself. Another blames everything on someone else, never taking ownership of any choice or action.

One prisoner, Elijah, is my new role model and I will go so far as to call him my Happy Place.

Elijah is waiting to be transferred to the prison where he will serve his sentence for robbery or something. He doesn’t like the jail where he is, and he expresses his displeasure by flooding the toilet in his cell.

At the time we meet him, the jailers are already sick of this. Elijah has also managed to break the cell’s sprinkler system a few times.

He doesn’t like being in general population because he ‘doesn’t fit in.’ He performs in a drag act and has a soft feminine voice with a lisp. At the same time, he is tough, and looks capable of serious violence.

Elijah is moved to a disciplinary cell-block as punishment for flooding the toilet. They take away his socks, which he has used to perform his mischief.

At some point, Elijah admits that he isn’t really protesting cell conditions; he enjoys antagonizing a hostile jailer. “I just don’t like his ath,” he explains.

The warden thinks he’s solved the problem but Elijah sticks his arm down the toilet to make it overflow.

Now the warden is getting pissed. They make Elijah mop up the cell himself, even though is becomes a ridiculously complicated procedure.

Elijah says matter-of-factly that nothing will make him stop flooding the toilet. He’ll keep doing it until he is transferred.

In the Elijah allegory where prison is life, let’s interpret “transferred” as death.

Elijah has chosen a path of resistance, of defiance, of finding satisfaction in annoying his captors (i.e. the forces that be) instead of capitulating to authority. Life will be harder, but it will be a principled life.

I think we should live by our principles, even if they’re stupid. They’re all you’ve got, in the end. They’re the only thing you can control.

On a whole different note, I also learned that you can make eye shadow by mixing crayons with roll-on deodorant.

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If It Walks Like A Slut And It Quacks Like A Slut, It’s Melania!

melania slutty 1

Melania Trump is mad at The Daily Mail, Politico, and eight other news outlets for reporting that she once worked for an ‘escort agency.’

Her lawyer – the same one who represented Hulk Hogan in his lawsuit against Gawker media – has put these websites on notice that they will be sued unless they retract the unsubstantiated report.  Because it could harm her sterling reputation, for one thing. Here’s how he put it:

All such statements are 100% false, highly damaging to her reputation, and personally hurtful. She understands that news media have certain leeway in a presidential campaign, but outright lying about her in this way exceeds all bounds of appropriate news reporting and human decency.

I’d like to start off by asking if it’s okay to slut-shame Melania Trump. Is it okay? Because she’s pretty slutty.  And I don’t see why she should be or pretend to be ashamed.

She’s a slutty nude model from Slovenia who was willing to do what it takes to come to America and make money. Not every woman could succeed at this. Most can’t, in fact.

Melania nude by Alé de Basse­ville 1996 max magazine

Be proud, Melania!

She met The Donald at a party thrown by some guy who runs a modeling agency and enjoys entertaining big-shots who like sexy gold-diggers. All fine with me!

Unfortunately, Melania has lied about having a college degree and she lied about her immigration history and she lied about writing her own speech at the GOP convention.

And we’ve just learned that she lied under oath in legal proceedings related to some shady skin-cream she was selling.

So I’m going to say she’s a slut and a liar.

Why can’t a lying slut just go about her business strutting around in her Loubs, squinting and frowning and trying to become the First Lady?

Let her reappropriate and embrace the term ‘slut’ just like Amber Rose, who isn’t nearly as slutty as Melania, IMHO.

I hope her feelings aren’t too hurt. But I’m not convinced she’s a good arbiter of “human decency” because, you know, her husband.

Meanwhile, Mr. Trump has promised that Melania will hold a press conference to address the rumors surrounding her immigration.

Oh please, as if.

 

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A Fucking Game-Changer!

game-changer

These jeans are so spectacularly awful and egregious that I consider them a true game-changer.

They raise the awfulness-bar to a level I don’t expect to see exceeded in my lifetime.

They are beyond idiotic, beyond revolting, and just stupefying in every respect.

Should I order them, take some photos, and send them back?? Before you answer, check out the rear view:

Denim R13 Sashah Jeans 2

Hahaha!  The designers at R13 are insane!

Here’s the Shopbop description.

An overlay with raw edges completely covers these destroyed R13 jeans, lending an avant-garde touch to the silhouette. 5-pocket styling. Single-button closure and zip fly.

An avant-garde touch, eh?

Imagine showing up anywhere in this atrocity. It might be worth the $795 just to see the fear in people’s eyes…and yet no.

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