Poor Little Bear

poor little bear

I have been too sad lately. Too sad to stay awake and too sad to live. It comes and goes. When it doesn’t go, I get worried and even more despondent.

It’s something to do with my genes and my early childhood and my recurring depressions which make my brain more susceptible to triggers and don’t forget my PTSD.

I miss my children and wonder what the point is. I feel exhausted and worthless. I imagine the horror of whoever would find my dead body and decide, “Never mind. I can go on.”

So when I read about a designer who turned teddy bears into art, I was inspired to try this myself. It would be better than “add Abilify.” It would be like occupational therapy.

It would give my hands something to do late at night when I decide to start picking the little scabs on my legs that I get from picking the little scabs on my legs. This leg thing has now gone on intermittently for several years. (See here.) It is comforting in the moment but disappointing afterward.

I got a used teddy bear and bought some embroidery thread. I can’t remember how to embroider but that’s okay.

I’ve been working on my poor little bear, who is not only willing to undergo my pain for me, he is glad to be of service. I can tell when I look in his eyes. He is offering Himself up like Jesus Christ, suffering on my behalf with endless compassion.

I am mostly maiming him with unneeded surgery. I’m throwing in some decorative touches like sequins but mostly I’m fixing his wounds, that is to say my wounds. There is a lot of work to do.

My heart is so broken but the poor little bear understands. He might never be art but who among us really is, right?  He feels my love, even as I torture him.

Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to work.







Posted in Art, Disorders, grief | Tagged , , | 15 Comments

Mike Pence: What A Fucking Cunt!™

mike pence is a fucking cunt

Mike Pence makes me want to be a Black Panther.

He is everything I hate about white Christian middle America. Smug, intolerant, superior, small-minded, sanctimonious and full of shit.

God, what a cunt.

He looks and acts like a 50’s era dad who always knows best. Or he could also be a TV Evangelist, so ready is he to lie his ass off with almost palpable relish and a straight face.

His effusive praise of Donald Trump is particularly offensive. Are we supposed to believe he thinks Trump is a great guy and a genius? Watching people like Mike Pence and Kellyanne Conway sell their souls so cheaply is just fucking repugnant.

Let Mike Pence adopt every orphan and crack baby in the whole world! Then he can talk about reproductive rights and his Lord’s love for the unborn.

My favorite quote from the debate Tuesday night is his defense of Trump’s position on Mexican immigrants: “He said some are good!

Replace Mexican immigrants with Jews or blacks in that equation if you can’t see how absurdly racist it is.

The only thing worse than that fucker Pence is his grotesque, sociopath running mate.

We need to get this over with before we all have ulcerative colitis.


Posted in News, Rants | Tagged , , | 8 Comments

Fuck It, Let’s Get Back to Angelina

Fuck it, let's go back to angelina

We have waited patiently for news on the Brad and Angie front, and while there’s no dirt beyond the fake “insiders are saying” stories, here’s something wonderful:

Angelina is in early negotiations to star in the Afghanistan war drama “Shoot Like a Girl,” according to Variety. It’s based on the true story of Maj. Mary Jennings Hegar, who served multiple tours in Afghanistan as a helicopter pilot.

The Purple Heart recipient [ Major Hegar] saved hundreds of men and women on and off the battlefield in the Middle East and later helped eliminate the military’s ground combat exclusion policy, which kept female officers from serving in combat roles.

Major Mary Jennings Hegar

Hahaha! What is not to love about Angelina Jolie playing a war hero?

How grand that the break-up of her marriage and the emotional needs of her six children did not deter her from engaging in film negotiations.

Remember when she wanted to play Cleopatra? It didn’t work out, because she was nuts, as we learned from the Sony email hack.

Last year, Angie’s company optioned a book about Catherine the Great and her love affair with Potemkin. I guess that one flamed out too.

But there are so many other strong female characters she could play, and should play!

Let’s cross off Mother Theresa, because someone else must have the rights to that. Here’s my list:

Eleanor Roosevelt
Mary Magdalene
Joan of Arc

Rosa Parks
Josephine Baker
Annie Oakley
Helen Keller

But you know what, why should she be limited to great women? How genderist of me! She could certainly play a male character, that’s why it’s called acting, right?

I’d like to see her play Attila the Hun and Bill Cosby, for example.

Who would you like Angie to play next? *Show your work.

Posted in Celebrities, News | Tagged , | 7 Comments

Should A Fat Pig Be Fat-Shaming?


One thing we learned from the debate on Monday night is that Donald Trump has a thing about fat.

I know his feud with Rosie O’Donnell involved taunts about her weight, but I didn’t realize that fat-shaming is a familiar behavior of Donald’s, verging on an obsession.

In Trump’s value system, being fat is the worst crime a woman can commit. Slobs! Ugly pigs!

He has double-downed today on the fat Miss Universe story. Not only was she a fat pig, she was “the worst [Miss Universe] we ever had. She gained a massive amount of weight, and it was a real problem.” She was “an eating machine!”

Here’s what fat pig Alicia Machado looked like at age 20, when he invited a film crew to watch her working out in a gym.


Machado’s story about being traumatized by Trump’s insults brings to mind a common trigger of anorexia and bulimia: fat-shaming by the father, often in the form of a single, brutal comment.

A former Trump employee recalls that he used to keep an unflattering “fat photo” of her in his desk.  He would pull it out whenever she did something “wrong.”

I can’t even can’t even on this misogynist shit. Clearly, Trump has a deep fear and loathing of women, whose womanly bodies offend him. You can never get thin enough for men like this.

Let’s move on to his imaginary “400 pound” hacker, cited in his argument against Russia being responsible for breaking into the DMC’s files.

Who is this 400 pounder? Is Trump haunted by visions of fat people laying around in basements or running for Miss Universe? Does he see fat people hiding under every bed, like communists?

I’m wondering if he sees that fat guy in the mirror.

I think Donald Trump is a fat pig, and not because I hate men. I see an obese guy in an ill-fitting suit with a stupid wrestler-style pompadour. He looks like a pig because of his bloated face and little slit eyes. He embodies what we mean when we think a  person acts like a pig. No manners, no dignity, no civility, no self-respect.

Now I’m wondering if he likes to keep Chris Christie around just to look thinner by comparison.

I hope every woman who has ever felt fat because some man disparaged her body will make sure to vote Donald Trump off the island and off our planet.

He hates us because mommy didn’t protect him from daddy or because he can’t admit he’s gay or you know, a projection of self-disgust. Whatever.

He’d be a fat pig at any weight.






Posted in Rants | Tagged , , | 5 Comments

Shot In The Face

Charles Negre

Today we were waiting in line at our neighborhood Pollo Loco and the line wasn’t moving. I saw that the guy giving his order at the cash register was gesticulating impatiently.

Something was up. The guy was raising his voice but we couldn’t make out his words. I turned to my husband and said, “I hope we don’t get shot here, but I can actually think of worse places.”

I was thinking of CVS, where I happened to be during a very mild earthquake. I remember how glad I was not to spend my last moments in a CVS, crushed by products.

The guy at the front finally paid the cashier. We heard him explain that his jaw waas wired shut and he wanted to have his chicken shredded.

He moved aside to the salsa bar, where an older guy said something. The young guy, who was very tall and thin, said “I was shot in the face.”

Trying to compute this information, I heard the older say “blah blah blah small caliber?”

Men! If they’re not getting shot in the face, they want to talk about guns!

I could hear the older guy making suggestions, like getting “Ensure” for the protein and drinking soup. He seemed genuinely concerned. Now I had to walk past them and at that moment, the young guy pulled out his phone to show a picture of his x-ray – a skull with something passing right through the mouth.

I blurted out, “I’m so sorry!” and the guy turned to me. Now I could see how young he was, probably around 20. I put my hand on his shoulder and said, “I’m glad you’re here.”

He blushed and smiled. I saw a flash of smashed up teeth and metal. The older guy said, “Me too.”

We found a table and I felt shaken by the encounter. Witnessing simple human kindness is  always so moving to me. It is nearly unbearable, in fact. I thought of how painful life is for so many people, all the suffering in the world and how hard it is to let yourself care or to stop from caring too much. I wished I could give the face-guy a blender. I wished people could stop killing Syrian children. I wished the loved ones I have lost would come back.

Suddenly there was a commotion at the counter. The face-guy was angry and wanted a refund. I guess they hadn’t shredded his chicken. He stormed out empty handed.

I went to get some salsa and saw the Korean manager yelling at the Mexican cashier. He was gong on about the refund, ranting about how it would throw everything off. He could not have cared less about a guy getting shot in the face.

I’m not sure what my point is here. But I’ll say this: If a guy gets shot in the face, he deserves some goddamn shredded chicken.


Posted in grief, Horrible Stuff | Tagged , , | 8 Comments

Behold The Patchwork Drop-Rise Lounge Pants: $1,500

behold the denim patchworl loungepants

I am double-posting this from Hideous Denim as a courtesy to you lazy oafs who might otherwise miss it. You need to keep up with advances in the denim community. You don’t want to be left behind.

So, these denim patchwork drop-rise lounge pants are the work of Greg Lauren, either a relative of Ralph or just some blind nutcase who has inexplicably been allowed to design clothing.

Priced at $1,500, this item comes with all the bells and whistles nobody wants on their jeans:  drawstring waits, ribbed knit cuffs, mismatched pockets, a carpenter’s pants loop, and a crotch that almost hits the knees.

Bingo, right?

Let’s not forget those patches and fake rips.

The rear view is breathtaking. Unless “breathholding” is a word.


They are still available in size 2 at Barneys.

Hurry! I’ll wait while you go order them


Posted in Fashion | Tagged , , , | 5 Comments

I Am Nonplussed, Motherfuckers.


The Daily Mail online is the world’s most popular newspaper website, and yet they struggle to use English.  How can we help them understand that nonplussed does not mean nonchalant?

This is apparently a common misunderstanding but I don’t know why. When I worked as a script reader, I often came across this confusion. A character who reacted with indifference would be described as “nonplussed”.

Do people think there is a state called “plussed” that means excited? So when you fail to act excited, you are nonplussed?


So Chelsea Handler made some outrageous public comments about Brangelina, but was later observed by the Daily Mail looking not only nonplussed but completely nonplussed.

They show another photo and note that she looks relaxed. BETTER, Daily Mail writer and copy editor! Now you’re making sense!

I feel like I’ve understood the meaning of both nonplussed and nonchalant my whole life, with no temptation to confuse them They are practically antonyms! What the fuck is so hard about this?

Is this going to be a thing like “literally,” where a word starts meaning its opposite due to public usage (i.e., idiots)?

God, I’m annoyed.








Posted in Rants, Words | Tagged , , | 6 Comments

Let’s Take A Moment To Thank Brad And Angie

let's thank Brad and Angie

When I heard this morning that Brad and Angie are getting divorced, I was filled with a deep joy that spread through my being like one of Sting’s tantric orgasms, only better.

Who among us has not been waiting for this day, silently wishing they would shut the fuck up about their relationship and commitment to their kid collection.

Coming in the midst of the pestilence we call Donald Trump, their break up is just what this country needs and I for one would like to thank them for pulling it out just in time.

Thank you, Brad and Angie!

Thank you for everything, not just for getting divorced!

Thank you for the scandal that brought you to fame, thank you for elevating Jennifer Aniston to a national symbol of betrayed womanhood, thank you for the red-carpet PDA’s, thank you for the international photo ops, thank you for the self-adulating interviews, thank you for the awful Louis Vuitton and Chanel ad campaigns, thank you for letting us share your love of your children when you take them to toy stores, thank you for teaching us about cancer genes and refugees, thank you for being such great humanitarians and art collectors and real estate developers, thank you for letting Shiloh be a boy, thank you for calling everything “great fun” or “grand” and finally, thank you for the botox.

There is so much more, and in time it would be great fun if I could remember it all.

Meanwhile, as we wait patiently fir the stories and counterstories to emerge, let’s try to guess what happened.

Brad cheated. Brad ‘s temper. Brad’s substance abuse. Brad’s IQ. Brad’s hats.


Angie’s eating disorder. Angie’s drug addiction. Angie’s jealousy. Those fucking neutral colors.

Who even cares?!?

Let’s just be grateful for what we are to receive, amen.



Posted in Celebrities, News | Tagged , | 7 Comments

What’s Your Price For Sully?

what's your price for sully

Every time I see an ad for “Sully” I groan and announce that I wouldn’t see it for less than $500.

Five hundred bucks is my customary price for a film that sounds truly awful, at least by my very personal standards.

I’m sure Sully is technically well-made and acted, but who the fuck wants to watch Tom Hanks pretending to be an old man trying to land a plane for an hour and a half?

Challenged by the question of whether I think that Sully really rates as the worst movie out there, I decided to find out what else is big box office this week.

There’s another Blair Witch movie, which I would see for $200. I would close my eyes throughout but I feel this still counts as “seeing” it.

Bridget Jones’ Baby or whatever it’s called, $300. I would keep my eyes open and I would probably regret it. I don’t know who’s in it besides Renee Zellweger but $300 is my price.

There’s also “Snowden.”  I’m gonna say $150, because I don’t want to see it but I’m unaware of anything annoying about it beyond its subject matter.

Don’t Breathe” sounds too scary for me. I want to breathe. And I don’t like being told what to do. But for $300 I would cover my ears and shut my eyes.

What’s your price for Sully? And what movies have you seen lately without being paid?




Posted in Celebrities, irritants | Tagged , | 13 Comments

The Lure Of Gucci

the lure of gucci silver jaecket

If I confessed to buying this Gucci jacket for $3,500 you might be horrified, but you might also feel envious and a little impressed.

It’s so cute! It’s sporty but luxurious, classic but quirky, it’s ineffably Gucci.

Actually it’s a cheap $35 fake that’s available at my local mall, in a shop that appears to cater to prostitutes and would-be prostitutes. Everything is sparkly and hideous, in a good way.

So now you’re probably disgusted by this jacket because, ew, it’s not real Gucci, it’s just worthless crap.

See how you are?

Here’s the real Gucci:

the lure of gucci real islver jacket

Why is it worth $3,465 more?

You could say it’s the quality but we know that’s not true.

In order to gain and to hold the esteem of men it is not sufficient merely to possess wealth or power. The wealth or power must be put in evidence, for esteem is awarded only on evidence.

—?Thorstein Veblen, The Theory of the Leisure Class (1934 ed.), p. 36

Our clothes are still signifiers of wealth and class, even though any idiot with a credit card can own high-end consumer goods. And yet Gucci continues to exert its allure even though I know intellectually it’s just an overpriced brand with a brilliant ‘aspirational’ marketing campaign.

A million street-style pictures of girls decked out in Gucci have not been sufficient to ruin the allure, but it could happen.

I once longed for Chanel, and now it’s dead to me.

Is it better to want Gucci than to want Yeezy? Do brands have to matter? Don’t we know better?

Let me put it another way: Would you rather carry your shit in a paper bag than a bag by Michael Kors?

I hope we can all agree on that one!



Posted in Disorders, Fashion, Words | Tagged , | 13 Comments