Is Everyone Insane?


Can we just admit that Trump is ruining our lives?

Every day, every hour, it’s non-stop Trump. It’s killing me, but I can’t stop looking for new lies to flip out about, new insults to our intelligence, new interviews with his smug hateful mouthpieces, new fuel for my helpless rage at this fucking cunt’s unthinkable success.

I can’t stand his mouth, his hair, his profile, his hand gestures, his vocal timbre, his diction, his lumbering gait, his skin texture, his awful children and his whole Hitler routine.

How can such a repugnant clown be this close to becoming  president?

The other day, a Mexican guy was walking by our street, selling food from a pushcart, and calling our his wares. I turned to my husband and said with all seriousness, “That guy would make a better President than Trump!” He looked friendly and decent and hardworking. LET HIM BE COMMANDER IN CHIEF, not Trump!

What is wrong with  the people who like Donald Trump? Forget that cliche about People are mad, People want change, bla bla bla. That doesn’t come close to explaining why they’d want to put an ignorant piece of shit in charge.

What will happen if he debates Hillary? Will he just say “Buh-leeve me, buh-leeve me” or bring up Monica Lewiski, and then claim he won the debate? And then his polls will go up  like they did after he went around saying to black people “What the hell do you have to lose?”

This is so preposterous and yet sinister,  like a virtual reality Twilight Zone episode.

How can we take two more months of this? How are you managing to cope?

trump is a cunt


Posted in Horrible Stuff, News, Rants | Tagged , , , | 15 Comments

The Sadness Of Shoes

sadness of shoes Altizurra

I scrolled by these shoes today and felt their sadness.

They’re trying hard to look gay and festive and boho, but you can see right through that shaky facade. They are about to cry.

I don’t know about you, but I can see sadness everywhere. It’s either a gift or a pathology, depending on your value system.

I read a good thesis on empathy as a spectrum, with autistic indifference on one end and a kind of hysterical hyper-compassion on the other end. Neither extreme is any good.

A high degree of empathy isn’t the same as being depressed, although I’m depressed too. It’s just an involuntary response in the right supramarginal gyrus (part of the cerebral cortex.)

I don’t know why an abundance of empathy seems to result in an acute sense of the tragic rather than an overload of joy. It just doesn’t seem to work that way. Certainly not unless you’re stoned.

When poor Hillary Clinton spoke at the Commander in Chief forum last week, she was criticized for not smiling enough, and even worse, for appearing “joyless.”

Imagine being graded on how much “joy” you appear to exude!

Life would be even harder for those of us who feel the sadness of shoes.

When I was getting to know my husband, he complained once that I was not more “celebratory.” I remember feeling wounded but also furious. I think I screamed something like, “Celebratory isn’t even a fucking word!” I figured he was comparing me to his ex, who literally wore party hats.

Maybe there’s a spectrum for celebratoryness, which totally isn’t a word, with me at one extreme and the ex at the other?

Here’s one thing I learned recently and I wish I’d understood it forty years ago, before having my first child: There is a spectrum of human sensitivity, and is apparent in early childhood.  Some kids are more like dandelions and can thrive anywhere, while others are more like orchids – highly sensitive and more permeable.

With intervention, highly sensitive children can learn to process their environment in ways that make life less traumatic for them

If you’re always accused of being “too sensitive” or you suspect that your kid is anxious or depressed, read this.

But first, look at this Fendi sneaker:

sadness of shoes fendi sneakers

It’s like an animal or bird crashed into it and died, but it won’t fall off. This shoe is not only sad, but embarrassed. It wears its shame wherever it goes. And so can you for twelve hundred bucks.




Posted in Disorders, Words | Tagged , , | 8 Comments

Amal Clooney Challenges Angelina Jolie To A Thin Arms Smackdown


Clotheshorse lawyer and handbag hoarder Amal Clooney has issued a challenge to rival Angelina Jolie in the Thin Arms Olympics.

Wearing a priceless vintage YSL gown at the Berlin premiere of husband George Clooney’s new movie, Amal looked every inch the emaciated diva, craning her birdlike neck to smile at cameras, risking injury from the weight of her diamond earrings.

Like Angelina Jolie, Amal was once a normal size but grew thinner with increasing fame. Maybe both women are giving their dinners to their husbands, who are both looking a bit puffy.

In any case, it’s a race to hit zero on the bathroom scales.

What’s the motivation for Amal and Angie? Why are they trying to disappear?

Are they unconsciously emulating the Syrian refugees whose plight has so moved them?

Or are they caught up in a folie a deux?


More important, do you want to see them arm-wrestle?

Me neither.

For a thorough accounting of Amal’s fashion purchases, visit Amal Clooney Style, my go-to source for all things Amal. Keep a calculator handy to truly appreciate the money that goes into being a superstar lawyer, wife, and human clothes hanger.

Angie’s motivation may be more complicated than Amal’s, since she has no problem sporting a pair of massively disproportionate tits. Perhaps the tits are meant to underscore her ‘Mother of All The World’s Children’ delusion.

When I was 14 years old and stubbornly clinging to my anorexia,  I used to sneak the food off my plate into my pocket. Things could get messy.

Someone should check Amal and Angie’s pockets for tamales! It’s just a hunch but you never know.


Posted in Celebrities, Disorders, Fashion | Tagged , , | 11 Comments

Recycling Hostility

Beth Hoeckel

In just one day, I have received threats of physical violence and an actual curse, both transmitted over the Internet.

Now, I am fully aware of having myself generated enough hostility online to light up several baseball stadiums if not an entire city.

But it’s interesting how loosely words are used these days when launched digitally; it’s as if everyone is on the brink of a nervous breakdown, exploding with unmediated anger at the drop of a hat.

Here’s an email from one of my half-sisters, who is around 22 and who I barely know:

Bitch let’s talk face to face and see if you will say anything to my face? Your old as hell and if I am pregnant and your harrassing me well I can send my friend to go see you and make sure you never bother me again time and place Joann to meet up if you don’t want to meet up keep your pussy mouth closed. Emails are pathetic lets meet up your so tough let’s see how really tough you are.

Naturally, I came back with ‘Blah blah blah restraining order.’

My family! Can’t kill ’em, can’t have them killed!

Meanwhile, over on Facebook, I posted a link to a story about the Eagles of Death Metal, performing this week in Tel Aviv. I saluted them for their fearlessness. I know I don’t have to explain what I meant by that, so I won’t insult your intelligence.

This started a spirited exchange about Israelis and Palestinians.

People went back and forth, citing their feelings, which grew heated, and before too long Jews were called Nazis. You probably know how this goes. Is there a Godwin’s Law adage about how any conversation not supportive of boycotting Israel results in the comparison of Jews with Nazis? Or is this just an example of Godwin’s Law?

I want an adage called Wolf’s Law!

How about this for Wolf’s Law: ‘Anything typed and sent into cyberspace will likely result in threats or insults.’

Back to the Facebook thread, here’s what an otherwise lovely person commented:

A greater collection of self serving morons I have never read before…
stay in your ivory towers …may one day ….what you dismiss in your
foolish judgements of the teller ..may in rain on you
the blood of innocence to be your eternal stain …

Because I gave props to the Eagles of Death Metal??

I don’t want an eternal stain, I’m a fucking Jew, alright? Maybe I should get a business card that states this.

Thoughts on Internet hostility? Or ideas for Wolf’s Law?



Art by (c) Beth Hoeckel


Posted in Horrible Stuff, Religion, Words | Tagged , , | 9 Comments

It’s Too Big, So Stop It.

too big


Big can be good but too big is TOO BIG and that’s where we are now.

Look at this stupid safety-pin earring by Balenciaga. I’m going to guess it’s being marketed as a Statement piece. It’s only going to state, “Hi, I’m stupid, with too much money, go away.”

You may have seen the Kanye-approved it-brand Vetements and laughed, like I have, but the laugh will be on us if this trend doesn’t run its course in a hurry.

Here’s a Vetements shirt, $1,365.


Christ, really?

We get it. It’s big.

I haven’t seen a real person wearing the huge clothes I see on fashion sites, but I know somewhere people are walking around in this shit and feeling edgy and important.

Here’s some more hideous earrings by Balenciaga, another one of Kanye’s buddies.

Just shit, for $1,045!

Just shit, for $1,045!

Balenciaga hoop, as if.

Balenciaga hoop, as if.

Stop it!

Let’s pivot to medium, can we, Kanye?



Posted in Fashion, Rants | Tagged , , | 9 Comments

Top Ten Worst People

hitler number one

Someone just remarked to me that calling Mother Theresa ‘bad’ was only relative; on a scale of 1 to 10, was she as bad as Hitler, or Pol Pot?

So now, probably because I’m a little stoned, I’m trying to organize Bad People, which is harder than it sounds.

On the spectrum of Bad People, with Hitler being the Most Bad, who would be the Least Bad? I can’t even begin to figure out how to define the lowest rung of Badness.

So fuck that.

How about just creating a list of the top ten Worst People? That shouldn’t be too hard.

If we include everyone in history, we might not even get to Hitler, so we have to limit this to 20th and 21st Century, because on everyone’s list, Hitler is always number one. It’s a given. Hitler never gets old. Just look at your cable history channel or go to a book store.

So now we have Hitler and we need 9 more Worst People.

Here’s where I am:

dick cheney
bill cosby
roman polansky
ted bundy
leni Riefenstahl

I’m too stoned to capitalize, and they’re not in order, obviously.

Is it wrong to include Roman Polanski? It took me years to admit he was bad, and I may have magnified his badness to make up for lost time.

Don’t argue about Madonna. She launched a million pole-dancers pretending to be singers. She can be number ten, how’s that?

Okay, now I need help.

Would it be easier to make it Top Twenty? Or can we agree on ten?

Posted in Contest, Horrible Stuff, Words | Tagged , , | 19 Comments

Mother Theresa Was No Saint

Young Mother Theresa, left

Young Mother Theresa, left

I never liked Mother Theresa, despite her reputation as the embodiment of selfless compassion.

She looked kind of sinister, and even smiling she exuded no warmth.

I felt vindicated to learn that she had many critics.

Aroup Chatterjee, a doctor who grew up in Kolkata, published a book in 2003 based on scores of testimonies from people who had worked with her Missionary of Charity and charged that the medical care given to sick and dying people was negligible. Syringes were reused without sterilization, pain relief was non-existent or inadequate, and conditions were unhygienic.

Christopher Hitchens wrote in his book about Mother Theresa that the focus of her work, was

not the honest relief of suffering but the promulgation of a cult based on death and suffering and subjection”.

Journalist Donal Macintyre spent a week working undercover in a Missionaries of Charity home for disabled children in Kolkata in 2005. He concluded that

“for the most part, the care the children received was inept, unprofessional and, in some cases, rough and dangerous.”

Three years ago, a study by academics at the University of Montreal concluded that the Vatican had ignored Mother Teresa’s

“rather dubious way of caring for the sick, her questionable political contacts, her suspicious management of the enormous sums of money she received, and her overly dogmatic views regarding … abortion, contraception and divorce.”

Hindu nationalists have claimed that Mother Teresa was a ‘soul harvester’ who proselytized among the poor, and that she and her followers surreptitiously baptized the dying without their knowledge or permission.

Meanwhile, Mother Teresa spent much of her time flying around the world in a private plane to meet political leaders. She procured a fortune in donations but no one knows where the money went.  She refused to make improvements in her ‘hospitals’ – like water heaters – that could have relieved the suffering of those who turned to her for help.

Mother Teresa said that suffering was a gift from God.

I was once admitted to a hospital where a nurse in charge appeared to agree, and it was pretty fucking scary.

She may be a Saint now, but it would make more sense for the sick and needy to pray for a clean emergency room than to ask that bitch for any favors.

Posted in Celebrities, News, Rants, Religion | Tagged , | 5 Comments

The Lena Dunham Problem, Solved

lena dunham

If you’ve always felt uneasy about disliking Lena Dunham, today she has given you license to go ahead and find her repugnant.

You don’t have to struggle with your looks-ism or whatever else was holding you back.

She’s an annoying self-obsessed idiot. She’s not gonna guilt-trip me into giving her a pass.

I can’t stand her. (Say it along with me if you want.)

Her newsletter Lenny is a primer on everything bad about millennial feminism, and her writing in Lenny is an excruciating mix of baby talk and pseudo-academic gibberish.

Be that as it may, today she published a chatty interview with one of her many best BFF’s, Amy Schumer.  I won’t speak ill of Amy Schumer, because duh, we lover her.

They are discussing their mutual disappointment with the Met Gala, where they sat at the same table and felt out of place, being too hip for the room etc. :

AS: I left so early. When did you leave?

LD: I attempted to grind my ass on Michael B. Jordan for an additional twenty minutes and then left right after you.

I was sitting next to Odell Beckham Jr., and it was so amazing because it was like he looked at me and he determined I was not the shape of a woman by his standards. He was like, “That’s a marshmallow. That’s a child. That’s a dog.” It wasn’t mean — he just seemed confused.

The vibe was very much like, “Do I want to fuck it? Is it wearing a … yep, it’s wearing a tuxedo. I’m going to go back to my cell phone.” It was like we were forced to be together, and he literally was scrolling Instagram rather than have to look at a woman in a bow tie. I was like, “This should be called the Metropolitan Museum of Getting Rejected by Athletes.”

I don’t know who Michael B. Jordan or Odell Beckham Jr are, but they have my support and sympathy.

I gather that they are black, and that they have broken some law by not wanting to hook up with Lena Dunham.

On the one hand, she doesn’t want women to be objectified but on the other hand, she’s mad if they’re not. Men are objects so that’s fine.

On the one hand, she like to show up at red carpet events looking as aggressively unattractive as humanly possible – horrible dresses that wouldn’t look good on Miss Universe, barrettes in her hair like a 6  year old – but on the other hand, you’re a fucker if you’re not smitten.

I know it’s overkill but let me cite this exchange for emphasis:

LD: The other thing that I get really crazy about is this new world in which women aren’t just supposed to be protected from actions, they’re supposed to be protected from language. Women are so strong. My ovary has basically exploded in my stomach twice, and I was pretty chill about it. You think I can’t listen to some short comedy loser say something dumb about rape?

AS: Right.

LD: I’m not going to cry, I’m a fucking queen.


Shut up already and leave everybody alone! You’re just not helping.



Posted in Celebrities, irritants, Words | Tagged , | 14 Comments

Millennials Ruin Everything

hipster downtown reading nausea

On an excursion to downtown L.A., we came across this hipster outside a coffee house, reading Nausea.

It was like seeing a panda in its own habitat, only better.  I know it looks posed, but I swear to god he is real!

Downtown Los Angeles has a burgeoning ‘arts district’, i.e. a run-down industrial neighborhood crammed with organic cafes and tiny shops selling vintage Americana. Young people wander around looking drab and gender-challenged. There’s a lot of third-wave coffee and it is delicious.

While admiring my photo of the hipster this evening, I realized that it might be more accurate to call him a millennial.

I think there’s a real difference but I’m still working it out.

Hipsters like to have fun, for one thing, but millennials are sourpusses.

Millennials don’t want to acquire furniture or children, and they all work in tech or spend all their time on Instagram.

They are married to their iPhones and Androids and they seem to enjoy irony without actually having a sense of humor. They reject traditional politics but they hate Israel.

According to one pundit, they have ruined 47 institutions and industries. They don’t use napkins or eat cereal.

God, who needs them, right?

Reading an essay about  them tonight, I had to learn a new word: Precarity.

Precarity is a precarious existence, lacking in predictability, job security, material or psychological welfare. The social class defined by this condition has been termed the precariat.

Apparently, we should think of millennials as a generation forced to live pared-down lives, victims of the broken economy rather than brats who disdain their parents’ furniture.

And likewise, they’ve been given a bad rap by “self-hating Boomers.”


At least millennials have crated an awful new jargon full of terms like ‘toxic-masculinity’ and ‘virtue-signalling’. If they keep up the word-coinage, I may learn to like them!

Or at least forgive them.






Posted in irritants, Words | Tagged , , | 5 Comments

The New 63

the new 63

The New 63 is the same as the old 63, but with more resentment and defensiveness.

I hesitated to write this post about my birthday, since my age would be off-putting to young people. Who cares what an old bag thinks about anything?

Well, the hesitation is the essence of the New 63.

Aging has become a real detriment (if not an outright crime) in some circles. The Daily Mail likes to show pictures of actresses on the beach with titles like “Still hot at 45!”  It stops me in my tracks every time, like, what do they expect, a fucking mummy at 45 years old?

45 was great. I was probably a babe but I can’t remember because I just turned 63.

I’m way beyond relevant as a blogger. Luckily, my identity isn’t invested in being an Influencer. I write because I need to. I work out my shit online, with your help.

But our culture values youth above all else.  In L.A., where I live, women dress like their daughters and wear fake nails. I feel sorry for them, even though I’m still wearing the same stuff I liked to wear as a teenager.

That’s because I forget that I’m not the same me I feel like.

Inside, I’m just as stupid and insecure, lazy, confused, rebellious, sarcastic and lost as the me I’ve been all my life.

When I was 18, my best friend and I planned to be spinsters together in old age. We would dress like Victorian widows and scream at little kids from our window. Somewhere along the line, we let that dream go.

My mother-in-law will be 100 in January, and she says I’m just a kid. She doesn’t complain about being old; it’s what her generation expected.

Can you imagine?! I could never put up with thirty-five more years of this!

Meanwhile, I have very little wisdom to impart except WEAR SUNBLOCK and try to marry someone who will love you even as you are shrieking “I look like a Sumo wrestler!” while grabbing a handful of your own flab.

That is love and love is the answer.

But getting old is still pretty horrifying.



Posted in Disorders, Rants | Tagged | 26 Comments