Godammit, I’m Mad!

I knew immediately that Jean-Paul Gaultier’s spring 2012 couture collection was a tribute to Amy because I did the math. Behive + eyeliner+”Marilyn” stud = Amy Winehouse.

What a wonderful feast of crazy hives and mish-mash of retro vampy girly excess!

It makes me happy to know that Amy’s influence will live on. Her swagger and her vulnerability, her beautiful voice, her tiny little body supporting all that hair…she will haunt me forever. This collection is an homage that’s right on point, as Amy liked to say of her beehive.

Lindsey Wixson is especially adorable in her purple hive and I can’t get enough of her.

Check out the beauty details here.

Also, did everyone see the new Karl Lagerfeld stuff at net-a porter this morning?  Horrible, right? What is he thinking?!  Please let me know if any other runway shows are worth looking at. Right now, I only have eyes for Amy.

Earlier tonight, I got my hair trimmed and felt pretty smug. I asked my husband to take a picture of me. I’m not sure whether this look says “groupie” or “hooker,” but I was pleased either way.

Hours later, I felt like this:

I saw this image on TV and said to my husband: “Look honey, there’s me.”

He didn’t know what I meant so I had to explain, “I’m a big sinking ship laying on its side and nobody knows what to do with me.”  He took the wise option of going to bed.

It’s so hard to maintain a feeling of okayness.  Know what I mean?

Finally, you can dress like a nun without being one.

This is a big deal. If you’re like me, and I know you are, you know that Nun’s habits can’t just be found on eBay. That’s because they’re sacraments or something.  And the Nun outfits made for Halloween are crap.

Artist Julia Sherman has changed all that by designing a collection of beautiful habits, using silk and velvet as well as traditional wool. The pieces include a hooded shift, a beaded collar, and flannel harem pants. The collection is available at JF & Son. Prices are $188 to $489.

Sherman, who is Jewish, was originally commissioned to make the pieces by Mother Mary Magdalene, who had started a new Anglican Catholic order in Fort Worth. She had seen Sherman’s photos of the Nun dolls at The National Shrine of the Cross in the Woods.

I love Nuns. I have a small collection of Nunobilia that I cherish. And nothing would make me happier than to own one of these pieces by Julia Sherman, god willing, Inshallah

Read more about her here and here.

God it was boring but I must uphold the tradition so here it is:

Johnny Depp has finally jumped the shark, hotness-wise, but Ewan McGregor and Colin Firth were very do-able.

Madonna tried to get back at Ricky Gervaise for making a joke about her, because she’s too important to ridicule. She also forced us to look at her breasts, only to come in second to the magnificant rack of Selma Hyak.

Madge’s arms were painfuly lean, as were Angie’s and Michelle Pfieffer’s. Kate Winslet’s arms were pleasingly healthy, and her young boyfriend glowed as she gave her acceptance speech. Elton John looked furious when he lost to Madonna, Leo looked tired and sad all night, and it was worrisome to see Sasha Baraon Cohen there without Isla.

Jessica Biel must be blowing some important people, because there’s no other reason for her to present an award.  Julianne Moore looked pasty but her long green earrings were fabulous. Nicole Kidman wore a breathtaking dress and continued the charade of being heterosexual and in love with that dopey country singer.

Angelina was stunning in white silk and billowing red lips. She turned to smile at Brad each time someone said something “funny.” Jane Fonda was glowingly well-preserved and knew enough to cover her arms, but she shot some actress a death glare when the latter stepped on her gown.

There were far too many mermaid dresses. Stop it, actresses! Only Beyonce looks good in them.

Clare Dane was careful to highlight her flat chest, as always. We get it Clare, you like being flat.

Morgan Freeman was eloquent and moving when he accepted his award, as was that French guy whose father won an award in 1965. The French guy was so moving that several actors in the audience mouthed “beautiful” with tears sparking in their eyes. Another French guy was sorry for being French, but no one forgave him.

Michelle Williams looked stupid in her childish headband but was heartbreaking in her ode to her poor fatherless daughter. Kate Beckensale got the giggles on stage and looked as radiantly pretty as when I saw her in Sephora a few weeks ago.

The Worst Dress award in my opinion goes to Piper Perabo, a see-through mess that bunched up in front of her crotch.

If I had to find a theme for this year’s show, I would say it was all about the love between George Clooney and Brad Pitt, two dreamboat humanitarians who clearly relish being so much better than everyone else. When George comes out of the closet, the drinks are on me!

Bed, Bath & Beyond is recalling its Dual Ridge Metal Boutique tissue holders, which were found to be contaminated with radioactive material.

The contamination was first discovered in California when two packages bound for stores in Santa Clara and San Jose containing four tissue holders triggered radiation alarms at truck scales, according to a Jan. 6 report posted on the NRC website.

In the notice on its website, Bed, Bath & Beyond said the Nuclear Regulatory Commission says the tissue holders do not pose a threat to anyone’s health.

No threat to anyone’s health, no no no no.

Nuclear Regulatory Commission spokesman David McIntyre told The Associated Press that there is little to no risk to human health, but it’s better to avoid unnecessary exposure to radiation.

Got that? It’s better to avoid radiation. You know, if possible.

If you’ve been following the Republican debates, you have been amused, nauseated, and enraged. You have probably shifted in your ranking of which candidate is the stupidest or most repugnant. It’s almost like watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: You think Camille is the biggest cunt but wait, it’s Kyle!

I hate Mitt Romney. I really fucking hate him. I can’t stand his repressed anger and his conman demeanor. The thought of Mitt Romney as President is horrifying.

Newt is a bastard, Perry’s a moron, Santorum is a douche, Ron Paul is nuts and Jon Huntsman is just clueless (or he wouldn’t keep reminding people that he speaks Chinese.)

I am asking because I genuinely want to know: Which contender do you hate the most, and why?

The eccentric photographer known as Disfarmer (1884-1959) seemed to be a man determined to shroud himself in mystery. Born Mike Meyers, the sixth of seven children in a German immigrant family, Disfarmer rejected the Arkansas farming world and the family in which he was raised. He even claimed at one point in his life that a tornado had lifted him up from places unknown and deposited him into the Meyers family.

In time Mike expressed his discontent with his family and farming by changing his name to Disfarmer. In modern German “meier” means dairy farmer, and since he thought of himself as neither a “Meyer” nor a “farmer,” Mike Meyer became “dis”- farmer. *

I fucking love him. Even before I knew about his made-up name, I fell in love with him. The photo above just stopped me in my tracks. Unlike Diane Arbus, he doesn’t seem to be unduly drawn to the grotesque. But he does manage to create an almost alarming sense of intimacy.

Explore his work here.

When I recieved the offer of a review copy of  ”Tickle My Tush” by ’sex educator’ Dr. Sadie Allison, I complained on facebook.  I was egged on to pursue this,  so I stupidly clicked on the link I was given.  Even though I’d been warned that the book was about the “true pleasures of the under-explored seat of love.”

Oh, Dr. Sadie, why did god make you?!

Here are some testimonials for the book:

“Whether you’re solo or with a partner—your fun, safe thrill-ride starts here.”  - Charlie Glickman, PH.D., Sexuality Educator & Writer

Uh-oh. Does this mean the book tells you how to have fun with your butt when you’re ALONE???

“Dr. Sadie is an exciting, alluring and thought-provoking artist. Each of her books never cease move me to new heights, like a modern piece of art.” – Laura Henkel, PH.D., Erotic Art Appraiser & Founder Sin City Gallery

I guess Laura Henkel knows art when she sees it.  Moving along to the table of contents:

1. Butts Up?
2. Frequently Assed Questions

I will spare you any more puns. It’s just too awful. I don’t think I could read this book for $500. Moreover, I am already well acquainted with my ass and the asses of everyone whose ass is any of my business.

With all due respect to Dr. Sadie,  I suggest ignoring her books to the best of your ability. Instead, listen to Sister Wolf’s free advice:  Don’t stick anything up your ass that would invite mockery in an emergency room. That’s all you need to know.

This photo is all I could come up with for a New Year’s gift.

May 2012 be the year you see the dopeness in everything, and not the wackness. xo