Godammit, I’m Mad!

God, what a bore! Where is Renee Zellweger, making that horrible face, when you need her?

All I wanted was for James Cameron not to win, so I shouldn’t complain. But this year’s show was one of the blandest ever. Luckily, my guests turned out to have various grievances against various nominees, so the awards were not totally devoid of drama.

We all know who won, so let’s get to how everyone looked:

Meryl Streep wore a white bed-sheet, J Lo wore a dresss made out of Styrofoam packing material, and Miley Cyrus looked like a low-end prostitute. Sarah Jessica Parker was the victim of a fake-tan accident and wore a dead animal on the  back of her head.

Sandra Bullock fucked up her look with a day-glow lipstick, and looked strangely enervated. George Clooney wore his gray hair in little bangs and refused to smile for the cameras. Cameron Diaz looked less disheveled than usual but you could sense her need for a steady boyfriend. The girl from “Precious” was absolutely enormous, but no one was allowed to mention it. On the other hand, James Cameron’s billionth wife, Suzy Amis, is clearly starving to death. Send a social worker to their house, please! Maybe he’s keeping her locked up in the basement and forgets to feed her!

Kathryn Bigalowe is 58 and looks fantastic, having escaped from James Cameron before it was too late. Collin Farrell looked yummier than ever; when I asked “Who here does not want Colin Farrell?” only my teenager raised his hand.

The most fashionable woman of the evening was Sandy Powell, who won her third Oscar for costume design and came across as hilariously arrogant. But her whole look was shockingly cool compared to the parade of uninspired evening gowns. Down to her deep green nail polish, she looked fabulous.

On a personal note, I drank my first bottle of beer in nearly 4o years, because it was flavored with strawberry. Perhaps now my dream of becoming an alcoholic can finally come true!

I don’t know about you, but I loved this year’s show. It’s the first one in years that wasn’t a grim chore to sit through. Hugh “I’m not gay” Jackman was a delightful host, relieving one from the effort of laughing at stupid show biz wisecracks.

The show’s two most dramatic moments were:

1. Jennifer Aniston taking the stage, just a couple of feet from Brad and Angie. You could feel the tension as the possibility of humiliation loomed. It was fabulous, wasn’t it? Your own mind could furnish Jen’s thoughts, and Angie’s, too. I thought I detected a fleeting second of eye contact between Jen and Brad, but I’d need a slo-mo replay to be certain. Jen’s hair extensions were amazing, and her nose was perkier than ever. Still, even if she were stark naked, she had no hope of eclipsing the shocking, otherworldly beauty of Angelina Jolie.

2. The announcement of Sean Penn as best actor. I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t have to deal with the look on Mickey Rourke’s face. He wanted it so badly! But everyone at my house wanted Sean Penn, and we willed it to happen. We manifested Sean Penn’s award, because we know about The Secret. Too bad for Mickey Rourke. He will have to make do with the Golden Globe and his pinkie rings, walking sticks, and dead dog pendants.

Fashion is the real reason for watching the Academy awards and I personally feel I got my money’s worth. SJP looked like a Bad Witch even though she wore the Good Witch dress. Heidi Klum wore a hideous cheap-looking Roland Mouret, with gigantic crappy earrings. Halle Berry was missing her boobs, a tragedy that has yet to be explained. Did she give them to Salma??

Natalie Portman made everyone happy, as usual, even though her head is too big for her body. She dared to wear a weird shade of pink, and for that I salute her. Tilda Swinton accomplished her annual goal of looking like a frumpy man.

I missed Renee Zellweger! Was she there? Her sourpuss expression and vintage couture were sorely missed. Somewhat filling the void was Goldie Hawn, still convinced that she’s 16 years old.

Zak Efron and Emile Hirsch looked boyishly yummy, but few of the men were impressive. Without George Clooney or Johnny Depp, there was really no one to drool over. Seal probably looked great, but Heidi’s trashy get-up managed to blot out everything around her.

Even if you didn’t want Sean Penn to win, you can’t deny the power and sincerity of his call for equal rights for gays and lesbians. He had the guts to stand for something besides his own narcissism, god bless him.

Comments or arguments, anyone?