Posts Tagged ‘actresses’

Acadamy Awards 2014 Exegesis

Monday, March 3rd, 2014

angie's new tits

For me, this year’s show was all about Angelina‘s new boobs. I admit I have an unhealthy fixation on them. I just can’t get past the disproportionate size of them.

I believe that her surgery was just an excuse to get a new pair of whopping big tits, and god bless her for them, just don’t expect a Nobel prize for wanting enormous implants.

Somewhere, my sister saw a headline that read “Angie fearlessly displays her decolletage..” when the correct verb is “determinedly” or “insistently.” I’m disappointed that she didn’t get them out for a photo op but oh well, there’s still time for that.

Moving on to the awards, Lupita Nyong’o was absolutely stunning in pale blue Prada. What a charming and delightful person, I had no idea! Jared Leto was a dish of androgynous goodness as he delivered a wonderful tribute to him mom. Matthew McConaughey seemed nuts and Cate Blanchette proved that Woody Allen can do anything to anyone and still be the object of Hollywood’s slobbering admiration.

Most Messed-Up face goes to Kim Novak, with Goldie Hawn a close runner-up. Amy Adams looked fabulous and Sandra Bullock looked predictably blah and waxy, while Julia Roberts went all out to look frumpy and horse-faced.

Daniel Day Lewis is still hot in an old man kind of way, demonstrating for Harrison Ford that an earring is the wrong way to go. Brad Pitt needs to explain that awful hairstyle and I want it witnessed and notarized.

I had to cover my face upon seeing the tearful eyes of Barkhad Abdi, the guy who played the Somalian pirate. I need him to be happy! I hope he will go on to have a career in acting, instead of just being a novelty in a Tom Hanks movie.

Finally, it was a relief to only have to see Bono onstage once. It could have been so much worse.

Robin Wright: No.

Wednesday, February 26th, 2014

RW chin problem

I have been gorging on Season 2 of House of Cards and Robin Wright is killing me. I can’t take it.

Why is she so fucking manly?

It’s hard to watch this series without complaining about the manliness. Even at its most engrossing, I am distracted by the physical ickiness of this actress once known for being pretty.

Is it misogynist of me to man-shame her? Is it homophobic or just looks-ist?

Trying to examine my strong reaction to Robin Wright, I realize that I can’t stand her posture either. Or her character’s skintight minimalist wardrobe. Wear a fucking COLOR, Robin Wright!

Her manly hairstyle draws attention to her huge neck and jaw. Why the huge jaw? Is it a chin implant or what? What’s the deal?

Please explain any part of this.

Fear of Old Ladies

Wednesday, August 21st, 2013

Top Of The Lake

 

It has taken several days to emerge from the spell cast by Top of the Lake. I miss the weird atmosphere and the intensity of the relationships.

Now that I’m back in my own world, I’m preoccupied by the creepiness of women who look like old ladies.

I know how wrong this is, believe me. My husband always encourages me to embrace growing old. I know it happens to everyone, you can’t stop time, blah blah blah. And yet it’s so creepy.

Look at Jane Campion and Holly Hunter, 59 and 55 years old, respectively. They are dynamic, vibrant woman and Holly’s hair isn’t really silver in real life. But still. The old ladiness bothers me.

On the other hand, I’d be mad at them if they tried to be sexpots with bursting faces like Madonna. I can’t find a way to be an old lady that doesn’t feel tragic or enraging.

What do you think of Jane and Holly? Is it the androgyny that’s bothering me? They project a ‘Fuck You if You Don’t Like it’ attitude, which I normally admire. Are they saying that they don’t care about being attractive, or are they attractive in a way I don’t get? Would they look better with dyed hair, or is it the length that brings to mind wrinkly old wizards?

I have a week left before I turn sixty. I am disgusted by how shallow I am, but still. I can’t handle it.

Academy Award Exegesis 2013

Monday, February 25th, 2013

This year, I can honestly say that I got what I wanted.  My choice for best picture, best actor and best actress came through, somebody fell, Adele was a goddess, and David O. Russell didn’t get to gloat over his importance.

Let’s review the fashions. Halle Berry wore a hideous striped dress from Ross 4 Less and her hair was dreadful. In the bad hair category, she was outdone by Jen Aniston, whose short broken ends stood up in the light, guaranteeing the death of Chris McMillan. Jane Fonda looked hideous in a yellow gown from “Dallas“, and Shirley Bassey, at 100 years old, was majestic in gold sequins as she belted out the theme to “Goldfinger“. I tried to remember an old scandal about her involving one of the British Royals but failed to retrieve it.

Seth MacFarlane was alternately funny and crass, but who could resist his crack about Kardashian facial hair?

Barbara Streisand looked like an old wizard from Harry Potter, Anne Hathaway overdid her boy-in-a-dress schtick, and Jessica Chastain, as always, was a flawless porcelain doll. Several older men had long silky white hair, outclassing the clean-cut youngsters.

Reese Witherspoon wore an ugly blue thing and grew her chin since last year. Renee Zellweger reappeared out of retirement with the exact same grimace we know and love her for.

Christopher Waltz was a charming Oscar winner, generously quoting Quentin Tarantino, who exuded coke from every pore as he manically thanked the Academy.

Daniel Day Lewis was a witty dreamboat, revealing that he was originally signed to portray Margaret Thatcher. Ben Affleck was emotionally affecting as he alluded to some grudge he had given up but clearly hadn’t, and I still managed to watch “Shameless” even though I missed the first 8 minutes.

What did I forget?

Homeland

Saturday, November 24th, 2012

I’ve finally caught up with Homeland, after skipping the first season in a private protest against Claire Danes as a CIA agent. Now I’m cool with Claire, but Brody’s wife is a major irritant.

Whenever the wife is onscreen, I find it hard to stop critiquing her face. Her acting is awful, too, don’t get me wrong. She’s incapable of portraying any emotion with conviction.  Her character is badly underwritten but a decent actress could still bring something to suggest a life form.  Instead, she just strikes a pose and raises or lowers her voice.

Her head is too small for her body, making her look life a dinosaur of maybe a giraffe. But in profile, she looks like a duckling, thanks to that augmented top lip. Stop it with the lips, actresses! Remember Meg Ryan! In fact, I’m going to name Meg Ryan ‘The Alamo’ just to help keep the memory alive.

While looking at pictures of this actress (Morena Baccarin, who I see is considered a super-hot hottie) I learned from an observant stranger that she has the same nosejob as Ashley Greene. I don’t know who Ashley Greene is but let’s compare noses.

 

Ashley above, Morena below. I wouldn’t want this nose, although you could probably use it as a can opener.

Obviously, I’m feeling cranky and shallow but facts are facts. I love Homeland for its suspense and the tension of the thwarted love story, but that fucking wife is a pain in the ass.

Opinions or objections?

Stalking The Ex

Thursday, December 4th, 2008

You know that crap you see on MSN that’s there to distract you with mundane and/or bizarre trivia….like “Lose Weight While Eating” or “Ten Ways to See if He’s a Mass Murderer?” Obviously, I’m much too savvy to click on that shit.

But today I noticed “I Stalked My Boyfriend’s Ex” and thought, Big deal, who hasn’t?

When I met my husband, his Ex was living with a man she would later marry, but the divorce wasn’t final yet. Everything I heard about her was horrifying. On one of our first dates, he even showed me her ‘head-shots,’ because she was an Actress. I was shaken by the big actressy smile and the long blond bob.

When he went out of town, the Ex always took care of his cat.  I suggested that it was time to let me take care of the cat, and after a lot of soul-searching (i.e., bitter arguing) he decided that the Ex and I would share the job.

I was furious but terrified of bumping into her. Instead, because it was nearly Easter, I left her a chocolate Easter bunny. I was trying to demonstrate how nice I was. She responded by leaving me a potted plant, with a little note that I still have somewhere. She dotted the i in her name with a little star.

I consulted a friend who gave me good advice: You can’t beat someone at their own game. This is advice I’ve passed on several times, that’s how good it is. She warned me that the Ex was known for her friendliness; if I kept trying to outdo her, I’d end up giving her the deed to my house and STILL she’d think of something to up the ante.

I gave up the niceness and went straight to pure seething hatred. She would not stay in line, even though she was about to marry someone else. On the eve of her marriage, she left a whimsical poem for my husband, just to keep her hand in, so to speak.

Time passed and I got pregnant. The Ex got pregnant too! She was like a horrible toothy spectre that wouldn’t stop haunting me with her legendary Friendliness and Kookiness. I had come to learn that she loved giving parties, wearing hats, and dressing up like a clown in her own TV show on the public access channel.

Finally, the Ex and I had our babies. My husband was invited to a wedding where the Ex would be in attendance. I geared up for it by dying my hair even blacker and wearing a tiny pleated Catholic schoolgirl skirt.   Our first encounter was dreadful, even though I knew it was funny. She took my husband’s coat like she was still the wife and put it on a chair. I could barely look at her. She smiled in a way that showed her back molars. Her voice was loud and animated, like someone who has a show on the public access channel.

Our babies started crying and the Ex and I had to both get our boobs out to breastfeed. We began to talk shop. I tried to feel normal, as though we were two normal women with new babies. She remarked that her boobs lactated differently. I told her that, yeah, that happens. She leaned toward me and said dramatically “I call [my boobs] Comfy and Squirty.” I was speechless. All I could think to say was “Uh, I call mine Right and Left.”

God, I was obsessed with that Ex. For years, I would call her phone number on holidays just to hear her themed outgoing messages. On Saint Patrick’s day, she used an Irish accent.

All these years later, I can still get steamed when I think about her. She was the anti-me, and that was a big part of her mystique for me. Over time, I’ve come to feel more secure about being an angry inhibited brunette. I think I’m the best in my league, I guess. A loud vivacious blond can still irritate me, but that’s about it.

If you’ve never been pathologically jealous, you’ll have no idea of how awful it feels. But also too, you will never know the insurmountable pleasure of having a friend make a prank-call on your rival, and getting her to believe she’s just been offered a leading role in the sequel to the Wizard of Oz, called Beyond the Rainbow.

New Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen [updated w/ gerbil]

Sunday, September 28th, 2008

My Best Friend’s Girl

This is a godawful romantic comedy that grates on the nerves and delivers another worthless performance by Kate Hudson in the role of a smiley airhead/vixen. Dane Cook is predictably repellent as the wise-cracking love-interest. The plot is familiar and the dialogue runs the gamut from excruciating to enraging. The only point of interest is the question of why Kate Hudson keeps getting paid to make movies that tank. Why can’t she go away and leave us the fuck alone?!

Nights in Rodanthe

Here are Richard Gere and Diane Lane paired again after making that thriller where she cheats on him with a yummy foreign guy. This time, love blossoms between Gere and Lane just when they’ve given up hope of ever finding Mr/Ms. Right! The romantic locales and the surging soundtrack provide the perfect background for these two glamorous Botox addicts to show how much they can fake emotion.   But where is the gerbil?? Expect laughter and tears from the desperate spinsters in the audience. Only see this movie if you need to take your mom somewhere for a couple of hours.

Body of Lies

Leonardo Dicaprio turns in another impressive performance as a haunted man with conflicting loyalties. Leo runs around trying not to get killed as he attempts to sort out the truth about something. Russell Crowe is the perfect foil for Leo, in a role that shows how different he looks when he changes his hairstyle. It’s a battle of wits as Leo and Russell fight against the clock to come to a concluding chase scene that will have you saying “No wonder Leo gets all those supermodels!” As Imelda Matt writes, “….a wankfest!”

The Women

This is a debacle that will make you thankful for your own face when you get home and look in the mirror. A terrible excuse for a chick movie, The Women is a pathetic stab at revamping the career of Med Ryan, featuring a bunch of actresses you don’t care about except for Eva Mendes, just a little bit, because she hasn’t made you detest her yet. Give her time. Do not even think of renting this movie when it comes out on DVD unless you want to contemplate killing yourself.

*NOTE: I canceled the Weekend Festival of Hate in order to maintain my hatred-level for PAP Smear.