Godammit, I’m Mad!

Even though it’s not important and it doesn’t matter, I still want to know about Angelina’s lips.  Everyone seems to accept that those lips are really real. “Just look at Shilo’s lips!”

As a teenager, above, her top lips was half the size of her bottom lip, which looks enormous.

Same here.

I showed these pictures to my husband, whose reaction was the exasperated retort: “How do I know, maybe some people’s lips get bigger when they get older!”

I love Angie for stealing Brad from Jen, and for flying around to refugee camps. But I think this is the answer to the startling impact of her face. It’s startling because she created at least two of her facial features.

Yes, no, or how dare I waste my time with such shallow concerns?

Before there was Angelina Jolie, there was Claudia Cardinale.  She reminds me of Angelina, but Claudia is earthier, more sensual, more European. Less otherworldly but so much sexier.

I first saw her in the Pink Panther when I was a little kid, and I was mesmerized by her. (So was my dad, who pointed out her attributes.)

I think Angelina comes closest to the old ideal of movie star beauty.  Who else is there that will linger in the memories of today’s young moviegoers like Brigitte Bardo, Vivian Leigh, Sophia Loren, or Ava Gardner?

Are film stars less strikingly beautiful, or just less conventionally attractive?  Is the old  kind of beauty extinct?

What’s your opinion? And who are your candidates for passing the test of time?

Don’t you hate the word ’smackdown?’ I heard my self say it the other day, without irony, when speaking of Cheney and Obama. So now I’m using it to punish myself. Never again, though.

So, Forbes has deemed Angelina the “most powerful celebrity” in the world. They explain how they compute power, but it’s too boring to go into here.  Madge’s rating is #3.

How do you think Madge is taking this? The tabloids have reported a feud between the two women, based on their baby collecting.  Madge thinks the United Nations work is just stupid, and Angie thinks Madge is a big copy cat with the African Baby Hoarding.

Oh, those silly tabloids. I like to think that Madge and Angie hate each other MUCH more than that, at a much deeper level. I can’t prove it, but I know it’s true.

Let’s enjoy this photo of Madge at a polo match the other day. I call this one “Madge Looking For Her Dick.” God, what the hell is wrong with this woman? She should wear a fucking burka and spare us the horror.

Now, I love Angie as much as Brad does, but this picture kind of threw me.

I already knew about the nose-job, but where is her top lip?? I want those lips to be real, and I even argue about them with my sister, who insists they are augmented.  My best argument is, Who would get such unnaturally big lips on purpose? You’d go, Don’t make them look too fake, right? Now I’m confused.

But in any case, my rule of thumb is, if it’s bad for Madonna, it’s good for me.

Each time I see a picture like this, I can feel Jen dying a tiny death, like an oragasm in reverse.  Even this close to death from starvation, Angelina is breathtaking.

Swathed in nude chiffon, lips emitting a flourescent glare equal to ten thousand scarlet bordello lanterns, Angelina is a vision from another planet.  She is absinthe to Jen’s glass of milk.

Poor Jen! Imagine the whole world wondering why you don’t kill yourself? Having to constantly protest that you’re fine, you’re great, you couldn’t be happier?

Angelina is rubbing it in. God bless her.

I’m looking forward to wasting my evening tomorrow, watching the Academy Awards. All I ask is that Mickey Rourke doesn’t win.

But first, let me review The Changeling for anyone who missed it. Not surprisingly, it’s all about Angelina Jolie’s lips. I’m not joking here; the Lips should get an award, but not Angelina, whose acting is painfully bad throughout.

But the Lips! Jesus! They fill the entire shot whenever Angelina appears. Coated in an eerily fluorescent deep red lipstick, they are like a pair of giant blow fish. They look like they have eaten most of her face. In fact, perhaps the Lips are some kind of parasite and her face is the host.

Angelina looks frail and exhausted from hoisting those Lips around from scene to scene, but she gamely tries to act worried and/or miserable by flapping her bony hands.

The movie is congealed in period set decoration, with its escalating melodrama almost secondary to the 20’s era flotsam and jetsam. The story is much darker than I expected, so let this be a warning for anyone sensitive to images of serial killers chasing after little boys with an axe. In the end, the Lips look happy, after all they’ve been through.

Now, as for Mickey Rourke, I haven’t seen The Wrestler but seeing Mickey Rourke win his Golden Globe was more than enough for me. His comeback and his douchey Pimp outfits are way too over-the-top, and it’s making me sick. I can’t remember why we’re supposed to feel sorry for Mickey Rourke! Is it because his acting career flamed out, or because he screwed his face up?  Does anyone remember when he was arrested for beating up his girlfriend?

Just make him go away. His whole stupid Bruised Macho shtick is already old now and it’s time for him to move on. And don’t get me started on that Darren Aronofsky! Ugh! What a fucking cunt ™!  His Movie Requiem for a Dream was a fucking crime against humanity.

Okay, so enjoy the Awards show or just wait for my Awards Show Exegesis on Monday.

While laying in my death-bed, I’ve been able to read the new Vogue magazine with a fine-tooth comb, so to speak. It’s filled with horror this month. I haven’t even begun to dissect its many insults, but a feature on the style of ‘real’ women introduced me to the self-centered Trophy Wife of John Mellencamp.

Former fashion model Elaine Irwin and John Mellencamp have named their two sons “Hud” and “Speck.”

What were they thinking?! Hud is just awful, but Speck? Did they name him after serial nurse-killer Richard Speck? Or was he just really tiny, like a little teeny speck of a baby?  Whatever, the Mellencamps are fucking idiots.

I am also a little disappointed in Brangelina’s name for their new boy, “Knox.” I see it is imperative that all their boys have an X in their names. Maddox, Pax, and so on.

But “Knox?” It cries out for the suffix, “Fort.”

Here is my list of suggestions for their next son (leaving out the too-conventional “Max”)

Tex
Tex Mex
Text
Fax
Lox
Vox

That’s it, I’m worn out. Any one got some more?