Posts Tagged ‘Angelina Jolie’

You’re Welcome!

Thursday, August 1st, 2013

scary angie jolie small

This picture of a very young Angelina Jolie fills my heart with joy.  Keep looking at it until you feel the joy, too.

early daphne guinness

Here, the young Daphne Guinness looks forward to adopting the role of Eccentric Style Icon.

See? Life is good.

Desecrating Your Temple

Thursday, June 20th, 2013

Michelle Kobke poor girl

 

Everyone is freaking out about Michelle Kobke, who managed to create a tiny waist by wearing tight corsets.

Personally, I find it disturbing to look at, but if her body is her temple, she is free to desecrate it.

Our eyes may not be accustomed to this distorted hourglass figure, but I don’t think it’s any stupider than getting obviously fake breasts.

victoria b

 

Women are doing horrible things to their bodies all the time and as we have discussed, men are up to no good too.  I don’t know why people aren’t commenting on Angelina Jolie‘s choice of over-sized implants that are so disproportionate to her small frame. Is it because she’s supposed to be an icon of courage and righteousness?

BRITAIN-ENTERTAINMENT-FILM-WORLD WAR Z

 

Huge lips, tiny noses, enormous implants, hair extensions, fake cheekbones, it’s all bad. Michelle Kobke’s waist shouldn’t come as a shock at this point.  Our bodies have ceased to be our temples and have become our enemies. My own body is generously providing me with hot flashes and a nice roll of flab where once there was muscle. I’m not going to make my temple a battleground!  I’m not going to do ONE SINGLE sit-up.

Because all my energy goes to my hair.

Academy Awards 2012 Exegesis

Wednesday, February 29th, 2012

As far as I’m concerned, the whole event was about Angelina’s leg.

When I saw the picture above, soon after the show ended, I was flabbergasted. It never occurred to me that it was a photoshopped joke. What an awful pose, I thought. I showed it to my husband, who said “So what, she’s just playing around.”

Somehow, I couldn’t imagine Angelina playing around on the red carpet, but why else would she want to pose like a frog?

By tonight, I had seen fifty thousand visual jokes about Angie’s leg, including a raw chicken and a Darth Vader. Everyone was having fun with Angie’s leg! The world was united in taking pleasure in her stupidity The internet was buzzing with jokes about jokes about Angie’s leg.

I remarked to my husband, “Wow, just think: with one stupid gesture, Angelina Jolie has totally fucked herself up.” He replied, “I disagree.”

Now, if you’re anything like me, and you certainly are, you cannot just let that go. A disagreement based on nothing has to be questioned, especially when it’s so blatantly wrong.

I tried again. “But the whole world is making fun of her! She used to have this mystique, people admired her, and now she’s a laughing stock.” He repeated in an irritated voice, “I said I disagree.”

So, I’m thinking, what is your evidence for disagreeing? Did you take a poll? Have you read several news reports, defending her honor and/or dignity? Do you think I’m lying?

I sputtered something about, Try googling the words “Angelina’s leg.” I told him that if he’d actually seen her on the stage, making that ridiculous gesture, he’d understand. He backed down but still withheld agreement.

Why are husbands like this? Is every day Opposite Day? Does it make them feel dominant to disagree? Is agreement some kind of castration thing? Years ago, my husband would defend some idea with the phrase “Most people blah blah blah.” After a few hundred times, I started to yell, “Oh yeah, which people? NAME THEM!” He has since dropped that gambit.

But I still rise to the bait of “I disagree.” It is infuriating, particularly in the context of no prior information to arrive at a position of disagreement. How should I handle this? Should I just say “Of course you disagree!?” I need a strategy.

Back to Angelina’s fucking leg: Do you feel sorry her? Or does she deserve it? Or, if you’re somebody’s husband, would you just like to disagree?

Can We Agree on This?

Sunday, December 11th, 2011

Even though it’s not important and it doesn’t matter, I still want to know about Angelina’s lips.   Everyone seems to accept that those lips are really real. “Just look at Shilo’s lips!”

As a teenager, above, her top lips was half the size of her bottom lip, which looks enormous.

Same here.

I showed these pictures to my husband, whose reaction was the exasperated retort: “How do I know, maybe some people’s lips get bigger when they get older!”

I love Angie for stealing Brad from Jen, and for flying around to refugee camps. But I think this is the answer to the startling impact of her face. It’s startling because she created at least two of her facial features.

Yes, no, or how dare I waste my time with such shallow concerns?

Before Angelina

Sunday, January 16th, 2011

Before there was Angelina Jolie, there was Claudia Cardinale.   She reminds me of Angelina, but Claudia is earthier, more sensual, more European. Less otherworldly but so much sexier.

I first saw her in the Pink Panther when I was a little kid, and I was mesmerized by her. (So was my dad, who pointed out her attributes.)

I think Angelina comes closest to the old ideal of movie star beauty.   Who else is there that will linger in the memories of today’s young moviegoers like Brigitte Bardo, Vivian Leigh, Sophia Loren, or Ava Gardner?

Are film stars less strikingly beautiful, or just less conventionally attractive?   Is the old   kind of beauty extinct?

What’s your opinion? And who are your candidates for passing the test of time?

Madge vs Angelina Smackdown

Wednesday, June 3rd, 2009

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Don’t you hate the word ‘smackdown?’ I heard my self say it the other day, without irony, when speaking of Cheney and Obama. So now I’m using it to punish myself. Never again, though.

So, Forbes has deemed Angelina the “most powerful celebrity” in the world. They explain how they compute power, but it’s too boring to go into here.   Madge’s rating is #3.

How do you think Madge is taking this? The tabloids have reported a feud between the two women, based on their baby collecting.   Madge thinks the United Nations work is just stupid, and Angie thinks Madge is a big copy cat with the African Baby Hoarding.

Oh, those silly tabloids. I like to think that Madge and Angie hate each other MUCH more than that, at a much deeper level. I can’t prove it, but I know it’s true.

Let’s enjoy this photo of Madge at a polo match the other day. I call this one “Madge Looking For Her Dick.” God, what the hell is wrong with this woman? She should wear a fucking burka and spare us the horror.

Now, I love Angie as much as Brad does, but this picture kind of threw me.

MANY 250106 A

I already knew about the nose-job, but where is her top lip?? I want those lips to be real, and I even argue about them with my sister, who insists they are augmented.   My best argument is, Who would get such unnaturally big lips on purpose? You’d go, Don’t make them look too fake, right? Now I’m confused.

But in any case, my rule of thumb is, if it’s bad for Madonna, it’s good for me.

Angelina to Jen: Just Kill Yourself!

Wednesday, May 20th, 2009

angie at cannes 2009

Each time I see a picture like this, I can feel Jen dying a tiny death, like an oragasm in reverse.   Even this close to death from starvation, Angelina is breathtaking.

Swathed in nude chiffon, lips emitting a flourescent glare equal to ten thousand scarlet bordello lanterns, Angelina is a vision from another planet.   She is absinthe to Jen’s glass of milk.

Poor Jen! Imagine the whole world wondering why you don’t kill yourself? Having to constantly protest that you’re fine, you’re great, you couldn’t be happier?

Angelina is rubbing it in. God bless her.

Pre-Oscar Complaints

Saturday, February 21st, 2009

I’m looking forward to wasting my evening tomorrow, watching the Academy Awards. All I ask is that Mickey Rourke doesn’t win.

But first, let me review The Changeling for anyone who missed it. Not surprisingly, it’s all about Angelina Jolie’s lips. I’m not joking here; the Lips should get an award, but not Angelina, whose acting is painfully bad throughout.

But the Lips! Jesus! They fill the entire shot whenever Angelina appears. Coated in an eerily fluorescent deep red lipstick, they are like a pair of giant blow fish. They look like they have eaten most of her face. In fact, perhaps the Lips are some kind of parasite and her face is the host.

Angelina looks frail and exhausted from hoisting those Lips around from scene to scene, but she gamely tries to act worried and/or miserable by flapping her bony hands.

The movie is congealed in period set decoration, with its escalating melodrama almost secondary to the 20′s era flotsam and jetsam. The story is much darker than I expected, so let this be a warning for anyone sensitive to images of serial killers chasing after little boys with an axe. In the end, the Lips look happy, after all they’ve been through.

Now, as for Mickey Rourke, I haven’t seen The Wrestler but seeing Mickey Rourke win his Golden Globe was more than enough for me. His comeback and his douchey Pimp outfits are way too over-the-top, and it’s making me sick. I can’t remember why we’re supposed to feel sorry for Mickey Rourke! Is it because his acting career flamed out, or because he screwed his face up?   Does anyone remember when he was arrested for beating up his girlfriend?

Just make him go away. His whole stupid Bruised Macho shtick is already old now and it’s time for him to move on. And don’t get me started on that Darren Aronofsky! Ugh! What a fucking cunt  !   His Movie Requiem for a Dream was a fucking crime against humanity.

Okay, so enjoy the Awards show or just wait for my Awards Show Exegesis on Monday.

Horrible Celebrity Baby Names II

Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008

While laying in my death-bed, I’ve been able to read the new Vogue magazine with a fine-tooth comb, so to speak. It’s filled with horror this month. I haven’t even begun to dissect its many insults, but a feature on the style of ‘real’ women introduced me to the self-centered Trophy Wife of John Mellencamp.

Former fashion model Elaine Irwin and John Mellencamp have named their two sons “Hud” and “Speck.”

What were they thinking?! Hud is just awful, but Speck? Did they name him after serial nurse-killer Richard Speck? Or was he just really tiny, like a little teeny speck of a baby?   Whatever, the Mellencamps are fucking idiots.

I am also a little disappointed in Brangelina’s name for their new boy, “Knox.” I see it is imperative that all their boys have an X in their names. Maddox, Pax, and so on.

But “Knox?” It cries out for the suffix, “Fort.”

Here is my list of suggestions for their next son (leaving out the too-conventional “Max”)

Tex
Tex Mex
Text
Fax
Lox
Vox

That’s it, I’m worn out. Any one got some more?