Golden Globes 2012 Exegesis
Sunday, January 15th, 2012
God it was boring but I must uphold the tradition so here it is:
Johnny Depp has finally jumped the shark, hotness-wise, but Ewan McGregor and Colin Firth were very do-able.
Madonna tried to get back at Ricky Gervaise for making a joke about her, because she’s too important to ridicule. She also forced us to look at her breasts, only to come in second to the magnificant rack of Selma Hyak.
Madge’s arms were painfuly lean, as were Angie’s and Michelle Pfieffer’s. Kate Winslet’s arms were pleasingly healthy, and her young boyfriend glowed as she gave her acceptance speech. Elton John looked furious when he lost to Madonna, Leo looked tired and sad all night, and it was worrisome to see Sasha Baraon Cohen there without Isla.
Jessica Biel must be blowing some important people, because there’s no other reason for her to present an award. Julianne Moore looked pasty but her long green earrings were fabulous. Nicole Kidman wore a breathtaking dress and continued the charade of being heterosexual and in love with that dopey country singer.
Angelina was stunning in white silk and billowing red lips. She turned to smile at Brad each time someone said something “funny.” Jane Fonda was glowingly well-preserved and knew enough to cover her arms, but she shot some actress a death glare when the latter stepped on her gown.
There were far too many mermaid dresses. Stop it, actresses! Only Beyonce looks good in them.
Clare Dane was careful to highlight her flat chest, as always. We get it Clare, you like being flat.
Morgan Freeman was eloquent and moving when he accepted his award, as was that French guy whose father won an award in 1965. The French guy was so moving that several actors in the audience mouthed “beautiful” with tears sparking in their eyes. Another French guy was sorry for being French, but no one forgave him.
Michelle Williams looked stupid in her childish headband but was heartbreaking in her ode to her poor fatherless daughter. Kate Beckensale got the giggles on stage and looked as radiantly pretty as when I saw her in Sephora a few weeks ago.
The Worst Dress award in my opinion goes to Piper Perabo, a see-through mess that bunched up in front of her crotch.
If I had to find a theme for this year’s show, I would say it was all about the love between George Clooney and Brad Pitt, two dreamboat humanitarians who clearly relish being so much better than everyone else. When George comes out of the closet, the drinks are on me!
