Godammit, I’m Mad!

I just got this Hanky Panky Retro Thong in two colors, and I can’t overstate their perfection. They are the Holy Grail of underpants. Let me just quote Hanky Panky’s website:

A high-waisted panty with figure-flattering coverage everywhere you need it, and absolutely nowhere you don’t. This panty is designed with an extra-generous band of lace that hugs your midsection and tricks even thick tummies into feeling super svelte.

Every word is true! But not every word is good.

I can’t stand the word “panty.”  ”Can’t stand” isn’t strong enough to describe my feelings about panty or “panties.” It almost makes me sick. I’ve felt like this for most of my adult life. Sometimes, I’ll be reading a magazine and the phrase “sans panties” will almost give me a stroke.

I asked my husband what he felt about “panties.” He isn’t nearly as reactive to words as I am, but he agrees on panties. He prefers “underpants,” which is my preference too. No wonder we stay together!

I think it’s the infantile connotation with “panty” that makes me cringe. There may be more at a deeper subconscious level.

I was pleased to find on a blog about language that lots of people hate “panties,” yet surprised to learn about a widespread aversion to the word “moist.” It cuts across both genders:  No one likes moist.

Generally speaking, I am more likely to take offense at a word or phrase than anyone I know. Max was a pretty hardcore wordist but not as bad as I am. Any yet, I have no trouble with “moist.” Am I broken or something? “Moist” reminds me of moist cake. or moist lipstick. Things should be moist, ideally, or else they’re too dry.

Going back to the blog just now, I see that someone hates the word “suckle.” Eoow.  Same here. It’s especially creepy when applied to humans.

Have a look at Language Log and get in on the word aversion.  I like that they make a point to distinguish between word rage (like when you hear someone on the news say “grow the economy”) and word aversion (like panty.)

Feel free to share your own personal aversions.

Lately, I keep reading about “What Goes Around Comes Around,” a vintage clothing shop in New York where hipsters get their old jeans and military jackets.

The first time I heard about this place was a piece in Time Out about style mavens. The co-owner and “style director” of WGACA is a guy named Gerard Maione who exemplifies everything I hate in a man.  You know, arrogant, vain, self-congratulatory, fame whore, perpetual five o’clock shadow a la Richard Nixon (or that guy in Entourage) and a preening fashion style.

Everything about his screams douche.

While I’m mad, let me also say how much I hate stores like this one. They’re selling an old Stones t-shirt for $795, which is just stupid. The real problem is that they ruin things for regular people who used to find treasures in thrift shops. Thrift shops are plundered by “pickers” who sell the good shit to vintage stores, and voila, there’s nothing left but Forever 21 and Old Navy crap. Fuckers.

I’m still mad!

How about this: a fatwa on “thrifting” as a verb. or “thrifted” as an adjective?

Today, I came across the term “achingly cool” three times. The first time, it was applied to these striped shoes. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it before, but like “effortlessly chic” I think it’s a description that label’s the user an idiot.

Why “achingly?” It never hurts me when something is cool. Is it supposed to connote yearning? Do you yearn so much to own these shoes that it causes an ache?

What about “traumatizingly cool?” Or “gut-wrenchingly cool?” I don’t like these fucking adverbs! Make them go away! I was looking for a photo of the grotesquely stylish™ Daphne Guinness wearing her spiked Gareth Pugh outfit when I found it at Grazia. Sure enough, she was described as achingly cool.

This photo makes me want to kill someone. It is everything I hate about hipster fashion and the cult of celebrity.  This woman could wrap herself in toilet paper and everyone would fall over screaming in envy. Ten years ago she was just a normal billionaire’s wife.  She is the Lady Gaga of socialites.

There must be someone else in the public eye who is more insanely rad than Daphne! Whose style do you admire, and what term would best describe it?

The word for the day is badass.

It’s a self-negating word, like “classy.”  Once you use it, it can’t apply to you.

Scream really loud each time you see it or hear it.

The insults never stop. ” Jeggings” seemed like a true winner in the Awful New Fashion Jargon category, easily on a par with “Shooties.”

But Stylebop has gone that extra mile with “Jeggins.”

Are they trying to kill me?!?

On the same topic, a popular blogger has recently posed the question, Should a blogger be allowed to censor or eliminate negative comments? The answer of course is, Only if the blogger is a coward or fascist. In the long thread of obsequious comments, however, fifty thousand lackeys offer some version of support, in the form of the same banal manifesto against “mean people.”

Nearly every comment includes the phrase “that being said” or “at the end of the day.”

Mean People Suck, right? It says so on the bumper sticker. As long as they don’t write “at the end of the day” though, they are a breath of fresh air compared to breathless ass-kissers. If you can’t stand up to a comment, no mater how rude or stupid, why bother blogging at all?  Just keep a personal diary and stop taking up bandwidth.

Not too long ago, I applied for a job at the Refinery 29 blog.  They offered me an interview but the job turned out to be in New York.   Reading the following post, I realize that I couldn’t write such awful prose  even with a gun to my head.  It is simply beyond my capability. Ready, set, go:

We’re no newbies to fake tattoos, though it’s safe to say that the glittery unicorns and branded stick-ons from the local bank we used to apply don’t really garner us the same cred as the ones shown on this season’s runway. Delicate bracelets and chains were drawn onto the models at SChanel, and Gaultier paired his spring line with lettered prison tats. Rodarte went for the full monty and Sharpie’d the models’ arms and necks in full Maori effect. Less permanent than really getting pricked, but still pretty badass, we have a feeling that a little hand-drawn ink will start making its way off the runway and onto your arms, chests, and legs.

Jesus, whew!

Maybe my ears are too sensitive, but this just seems aggressively bad in every way: it’s pretentious, hokey, cutesy and irritating.  Is it standard fashion writing, or is it setting a new standard?

Who wants to count the language crimes? I’ll start with the first sentence. “Garner”, “newbies” and “cred” are all unforgivable.  For extra credit, try making it even worse, if that’s possible!

Here is an awful stupid top with a horse on it, for $55 at Revolve Clothing.

If you prefer spending the big bucks on something awful and stupid, Stella McCartney nails it with this knit dress, at her online shop for $1,145.

* Do you hate to hear “price-point?” Me too! I was being ironic.