Godammit, I’m Mad!

Today, I came across the term “achingly cool” three times. The first time, it was applied to these striped shoes. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it before, but like “effortlessly chic” I think it’s a description that label’s the user an idiot.

Why “achingly?” It never hurts me when something is cool. Is it supposed to connote yearning? Do you yearn so much to own these shoes that it causes an ache?

What about “traumatizingly cool?” Or “gut-wrenchingly cool?” I don’t like these fucking adverbs! Make them go away! I was looking for a photo of the grotesquely stylish™ Daphne Guinness wearing her spiked Gareth Pugh outfit when I found it at Grazia. Sure enough, she was described as achingly cool.

This photo makes me want to kill someone. It is everything I hate about hipster fashion and the cult of celebrity.  This woman could wrap herself in toilet paper and everyone would fall over screaming in envy. Ten years ago she was just a normal billionaire’s wife.  She is the Lady Gaga of socialites.

There must be someone else in the public eye who is more insanely rad than Daphne! Whose style do you admire, and what term would best describe it?

The word for the day is badass.

It’s a self-negating word, like “classy.”  Once you use it, it can’t apply to you.

Scream really loud each time you see it or hear it.

The insults never stop. ” Jeggings” seemed like a true winner in the Awful New Fashion Jargon category, easily on a par with “Shooties.”

But Stylebop has gone that extra mile with “Jeggins.”

Are they trying to kill me?!?

On the same topic, a popular blogger has recently posed the question, Should a blogger be allowed to censor or eliminate negative comments? The answer of course is, Only if the blogger is a coward or fascist. In the long thread of obsequious comments, however, fifty thousand lackeys offer some version of support, in the form of the same banal manifesto against “mean people.”

Nearly every comment includes the phrase “that being said” or “at the end of the day.”

Mean People Suck, right? It says so on the bumper sticker. As long as they don’t write “at the end of the day” though, they are a breath of fresh air compared to breathless ass-kissers. If you can’t stand up to a comment, no mater how rude or stupid, why bother blogging at all?  Just keep a personal diary and stop taking up bandwidth.

Not too long ago, I applied for a job at the Refinery 29 blog.  They offered me an interview but the job turned out to be in New York.   Reading the following post, I realize that I couldn’t write such awful prose  even with a gun to my head.  It is simply beyond my capability. Ready, set, go:

We’re no newbies to fake tattoos, though it’s safe to say that the glittery unicorns and branded stick-ons from the local bank we used to apply don’t really garner us the same cred as the ones shown on this season’s runway. Delicate bracelets and chains were drawn onto the models at SChanel, and Gaultier paired his spring line with lettered prison tats. Rodarte went for the full monty and Sharpie’d the models’ arms and necks in full Maori effect. Less permanent than really getting pricked, but still pretty badass, we have a feeling that a little hand-drawn ink will start making its way off the runway and onto your arms, chests, and legs.

Jesus, whew!

Maybe my ears are too sensitive, but this just seems aggressively bad in every way: it’s pretentious, hokey, cutesy and irritating.  Is it standard fashion writing, or is it setting a new standard?

Who wants to count the language crimes? I’ll start with the first sentence. “Garner”, “newbies” and “cred” are all unforgivable.  For extra credit, try making it even worse, if that’s possible!

Here is an awful stupid top with a horse on it, for $55 at Revolve Clothing.

If you prefer spending the big bucks on something awful and stupid, Stella McCartney nails it with this knit dress, at her online shop for $1,145.

* Do you hate to hear “price-point?” Me too! I was being ironic.