Godammit, I’m Mad!

By our friends at Tripp.

Okay, you thought you’d seen everything after those horrible muffin-jeans, but check out the Sneaker Jeans, again from our visionary friends at Karmaloop. Laces, grommets AND zippers!

WHY?

Aren’t these jeans from Karmaloop breathtaking?!  I would wear them just to acquire a nice diamond-shape pattern on my legs. Or to impress my friends with the little blobs of fat that stick out through the holes.

Nothing cheers me up like a browse through the wonderland that is Karmaloop. Complete this sentence:

These jeans would be great for —————————.

I have taken a vow to stop buying black jeans, but I broke it twice in one week. I’m beginning to wonder if there are any black jeans in the universe that would fit me properly, or if I’ll spend the rest of my life proving that the answer is No.

My latest Black Jeans disappointment are a pair by Aristocrat (whoever they are) reduced from $195 to $50. They were too tight but I assumed they would stretch to fit after a few hours. Now I realize that the only jeans that stretch that much are the ones that fit perfectly! Then, they’re too baggy.

My black Nudie jeans: too baggy. Black skinny Levis: too baggy. Black Superfine jeans: too baggy AND too tight. Black L.A.M.B jeans: way too baggy, but too tight when I bought them.

There is no end to this heartbreak. I want some perfect Black Jeans and I’ve wasted enough money to fund a thousand new jobs to build up the infrastructure of this great country of ours. How can I stop the insanity?!?

I tried to break the curse by buying these silvery-black jeans online, but they turned out to be preposterously tiny for a size 4, and they were a ‘final sale,’ as usual.

My loss, in this case, is Annemarie’s gain, because I know they will fit her. Not only that, but she gave me the Ferragamo sweater in the photo above.

I feel I am enmeshed in a hopeless enterprise but unable to admit defeat or just move on. What would Jesus do?