Godammit, I’m Mad!

Most recently, Sea was thrilled to acquire a garish coat that matched the dowdy skirt she had earlier obtained from a shop in Dallas. Now she can wear them together and look like a kooky bag lady from the 70s.

More important, in my opinion, is the price of her new brogues, pictured above. Barneys is nice enough to send me catalogues even though I never go there, and now in the latest catalog, uh-oh,  Sea’s shoes, priced at $795. No wonder she was so excited when they arrived!

Sea and Mom show no signs of slowing down this frenzy of spending. It’s not Sea’s fault, though. She is the Bristol to Mom’s Sarah. She hasn’t had a chance to learn anything about anything. If only Mom would let her watch TV! I don’t believe for a minute that Sea’s other blog is her own project. The nudity, the KKK, the horrible fish. It seems like the work of a demented pedophile.

Oh well. Sea doesn’t want to hear your comments, but you can leave them here anyway. I’ll go first:

Dear Sea, Why those Comme des Garcons saddle shoes for $795?? Remember you just got those Givenchy flats for $450! It’s good that you’re not worried about money but it’s also good to just “live.” (That’s the stuff people do when they’re not shopping or posing or tweeting.) I don’t think I’m ever going to get through to you but I’ll keep trying.  Maybe you should read Gravity’s Rainbow again. Bye for now, love, SW.

As we all know, Mrs. Palin is not really Trig’s mother, but now the word is that even Bristol isn’t his real mom!

Trig Truthers are going berserk, in the wake of Levi’s public statement that Trig isn’t Bristol’s baby. One of the foremost anti-Palin blogs, The Immoral Majority, states that the secret of Trig’s birth is EVEN WEIRDER! If you read the comment thread there, you will discover several wonderful conspiracy theories regarding Trig’s parentage, including the following:

1. Trig is the result of an affair between Levi’s mother Sherry and Todd Palin. Ooooooh! If only!
2. Trig is the result of an affair between Sherry and Track Palin, who was subsequently hustled off into the army.
3. Trig is the child of some unwed mother who was acquired by Mrs. Palin in anticipation of the VP campaign.

There are plenty of other convoluted stories, many of which include the notion that Bristol was indeed pregnant but had an abortion on a trip to New York with Mrs. P. Bristol’s mysterious absence from school and her bulging belly (in dated photos) help to lend credence to this part of the story. Beyond that, the possibilities are endless.

Andrew Sullivan has been a stubborn Trig Truther since the beginning, and now he’s back on board, pointing out the discrepancies in Mrs. P’s latest version of how she learned of Trig’s Down Syndrome.  The right wing will mock him again, but it’s great to see he’s still on the case.

All I know for sure is that the story of Mrs. Palin’s wacky secret pregnancy is another one of her stupid self-serving lies, and if that bitch is Trig’s mother, I’m the Queen of Sheba.

Thanks to the diligence of Palingates, I’m now aware of The Candie’s Foundation, the organization that hired Bristol Palin as a poster girl for teenage abstinence.

If there’s not enough hypocrisy in Bristol Palin telling teenagers not to have sex, The Candie’s Foundation is the work of Candie’s CEO Neil Cole, who wants to cover all bases. While his company flogs trampy high heels to young girls, his foundation reminds them via tight tank-tops ($15) to “BE SEXY: It doesn’t mean you have to have sex.”

Hahaha! Is everybody crazy now?!? Is there a way to apply the fox in the hen-house to this situation? If not, can any sane parent condone these idiotic t-shirts for their poor jail-bait daughter?

Bristol, the jig is up! You got knocked up! Go home and take care of that sedated baby of yours.

Neil, you stupid whoremongering Capitalist Pig, just sell your crappy shoes and drool over teenage poontang with that fucker from American Apparel, without bothering the rest of us.

Teenage Girls, stop giving blowjobs beind the cafeteria unless HE DOES YOU FIRST.

I am really, really mad.

Even though Mrs. Palin has an Agenda against me (see above) I am big-hearted enough to want to help Bristol, who is innocent of sin, mostly.

According to reports, Bristol and Levi have split up, and it isn’t pretty. His sister Mercede tells the sordid tale to The Star, conveniently forgetting to explain why her name is lacking the customary ’s’ at the end of it.

Bristol doesn’t want anything more to do with Levi. Looking at this photo from The Star, I’m not surprised. The baby looks terrified, and rightly so. A man who has to tattoo his last name on his arm in huge block letters is a man with either a memory problem or a spelling problem.  Wait, I think the spelling problem is genetic!

Okay, it’s up to us to devise a plan for Bristol, now that she’s a single mom. Here are my ideas:

1. Bristol can sell her book “My Mom is a Cunt Who Ruined My Life” for $10 mil.
2. Bristol can run away and change her name, leaving Trip with Trig, Track, etc.
3. Bristol can move in with me and we’ll get our high school diplomas together.
4. Bristol can run the Johnston meth lab with Levi’s mother while Levi heads back into the woods to do whatever it is he does.

Which plan do you support, or is there a batter one? Please help Bristol, who didn’t know nothin’ ’bout condoms or birthin’ babies!

As you all know by now, Bristol Palin has “delivered” a healthy baby boy named Tripp. What you may not know is that I am a highly regarded journalist in my spare time, and here are the facts:

On December 23, a life-size Baby Jesus was stolen from the manger display at the Clover Pass Community Church in Ketchikan, Alaska. The hand-carved figurine had been chained to the church’s nativity scene, but “someone” managed to undo the chain.

DO THE MATH, PEOPLE!

As Bristol’s due date drew near, Mrs. Palin had to have Levi’s mom arrested in order to get the boy’s attention. He had been refusing to visit Bristol in her dungeon bedroom at the Palin compound in Wasilla. The drug bust succeeded in prompting young Levi to take a leave of absence from his meth lab job. He reluctantly stayed at Bristol’s side until Todd gave him the signal on December 23.

Todd and Levi managed to sneak the Baby Jesus into the Wasilla Hospital, while the nurses were busy counting bottles of Oxycontin and arguing about how to divide them fairly among the staff.

Bristol was rushed to the hospital by Piper, who is allowed to drive the snowmobile on special occasions.

It was easy to fool the doctor on duty, who was tweaking and texting madly on his Blackberry to Levi’s mom, unaware that she had changed her phone number at the advice of her attorney.

Thus, little Tripp was welcomed into the world, looking a little stiff but just as cute as his brother Trig, if not cuter.

I’ve been wondering where the Republicans have been hiding poor Bristol, and now I know. They’re hiding her on buses and planes, along with her sister, the very hot and soon to be impregnated WIllow Palin.

Wasn’t Bristol supposed to be finishing high school? Oh well, who needs schoolin’.

Why isn’t Bristol allowed to appear with Mrs. P? I just read that Mrs. P brought little Piper onto the Hockey rink where they were booed, in the hopes that no one would boo at a little girl! Mrs. P admitted this, so I guess she still doesn’t think it’s wrong to exploit her children.

Bristol, when your mom turns her back, run like the wind! Actually, make sure you get Trig first, so he can grow up with his real mom.  Don’t bother with that dummy Levi. Let your mom have him, he might come in handy later.

Here’s another nice picture from the McCain Palin tour, with Grandpa enjoying a midget as Cindy looks on, praying for a chance to take some Oxycontin.