Posts Tagged ‘crap’

The Joy Of Trying To Tidy Up

Thursday, July 2nd, 2015

SnowWhiteClapping

In my continuing effort to make life livable, I’ve sunk to self-help books. It’s a poignant conundrum. The more you succumb to self-help books, the more of a loser you are, by definition.

Still. I have high hopes for The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. a worldwide best seller that makes a bold promise:

In this book, I have summed up how to put your space in order in a way that will change your life forever.

The book is slim, like The Prophet, and similarly filled with wisdom, only more useful wisdom. I vaguely recall stuff from The Prophet, like your children are arrows and sadness is a well or something. Great.

But compare that to the revelation that everything you own should spark joy. If you pick something up and you don’t feel any joy, YOU DON’T KEEP IT!

It’s such a huge but simple concept. All the shit you’ve acquired is shit that you have to put somewhere and there’s just too much of it. Duh, you know that. But you don’t know how to cull your stuff, and you’ve tried so many times. You can’t get rid of stuff because you paid good money for it, you might need it, you might lose weight. it’s a memento, it was a gift, it isn’t broken, one day you’ll give it to someone.

Anyway, the first brilliant edict from the author, Marie Kondo, that shook me to the core was this:

Don’t demote clothing to ‘lounge-wear.’

Right?!? Even my husband admitted to this practice. If something is too ugly or worn out to wear in public, you put it with your PJ’s.  Ms. Kondo insists that even when you’re at home, you should be wearing something that sparks your joy. Right now I’m wearing a green tank top that I’m going to throw away later tonight, because the color and cut bring me NO FUCKING JOY, none.

It’s that simple.

So, I’m not following Kondo’s instructions to the letter but I’m making a start. I emptied each drawer of my dresser and picked up each item. If there was a distinct No Joy feeling, I made a contemptuous face and threw it on the floor. If there was a ‘meh’ feeling, I hesitated.

But I did collect two bags of shit to throw away. I have to go around the house and do this with everything. It will be exhausting but I think I can eliminate tons of stuff from my amassed belongings, which have become burdensome.

I also got a book for parents whose adult children hate them. It is somewhat comforting.

Throwing shit out is the way to go, the road to harmony and contentment. Maybe the less I need, the less needy I will seem. I will be spartan, disciplined, and self-contained. I will accept no nonsense from green tank tops.

And throwing shit out puts you in a position of power, which is good. Like George Bush said about Donald Rumsfeld, I am The Decider.

Disappointment #1577689864

Monday, May 25th, 2015

handbag raincoat

I was absolutely thrilled when I first saw this little Handbag Raincoat at Shopbop. It’s such an obvious solution to the problem of shielding your nice handbag from the rain! Why didn’t anyone come up with this sooner??

Think of all the times you tried to stuff your handbag inside your jacket when it suddenly started to rain.

When my rose-colored Chanel bag was new (and I’m talking to you David Duff) I worried about the slightest drizzle and I wiped the bag immediately to make sure it was dry. Now that it’s beat-up from years of service, I don’t worry too much about rain.

But what if you have a suede bag, for fucksake! Your bag deserves a raincoat.

It even comes with its own cute little pouch.

cute little pouch

So imagine how disappointed I was when I went back to consider buying one, only to see this review:

ashsmith review

A piece of junk that is nothing but an inconvenience?!

Ugh, you’d have to be pretty stupid to buy one now. Unless the reviewer, “ashsmith,” is just some crazy troll determined to dash my hopes and dreams.

Meanwhile, I’ve been wasting hours looking at expensive designer bags, conflicted about the whole handbag thing, knowing as I do that the nicest handbag won’t help anything. But still.

Does anyone out there still give a shit about handbags? I’d like to hear your thoughts. (But not yours, David Duff.)

Hideous Footwear Alert

Monday, July 28th, 2014

hideous patti st laurent boots

Can you believe how ugly these are?

hideous patti st laurent boots 2I really am almost speechless.

It would be like shoving your feet into dead animal carcasses and expecting everyone to admire you for it.

Why the silver studded ’embellishment?’ Is it supposed to represent the dead animal’s collar?

Saint Laurent Patti ankle boots, $1,995.00.  (If Patti Smith were dead, she could join Yves to roll around in his grave with him.)

The Butler: No

Monday, August 12th, 2013

butler

How much would it take to get you to see The Butler? For me, $500.

Before you answer, remember, it even has Robin Williams!

State your price.

 

As if.

Saturday, April 13th, 2013

Philip Lim pants - 595

 

“Layered stitching lends a repaired look to these slim, two-tone skinny pants from 3.1 Phillip Lim, while tied sleeves and a sweater overlay add a clever element.”

Got that? These pants have a sweater SEWN ON to them! You can’t take it off if you get cold. It’s just there to add a clever element.

Philip Lim pants 2

 

$595 at shopbop.

If You Can Pronounce ‘Balmain’ Correctly

Wednesday, October 10th, 2012

Before you complain about the $13,776 price tag, consider the close-up view of this vest:

“Take your ___  cues from ___  and wear this  ___  style with  ____ attitude – think  ___  pants  and  ____  heels.”

Replace the missing words (the ones I found most irritating) with better ones!

P.S. My size is sold out.

 

Monkeys: It’s On!

Friday, February 24th, 2012

It’s official: Monkeys are the new black. The earrings above are sold out at net-a-porter, even though they just appeared on the website. Shit! Time waits for no man at net-a-porter.

This monkey necklace is also sold out! You’ve just saved $1,220. Net-a-porter says: Amedeo’s monkey cameo is a wonderfully unique adornment. Wear it to lend antique appeal to summer tops and skirts.

I could argue that nothing would lend antique appeal to “tops and shorts” unless they were made in the 19th century but why bother.

Start curating your monkey-themed crap asap! Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Another Homerun from Al Wang

Saturday, June 18th, 2011

These Al Wang slit-knee jeans are worth $345 because __________________.

at Shopbop

~

*this post is for David Duff, who models his new sarong here.

A Different Jane to Bitch About

Wednesday, May 25th, 2011

Jane Pratt has finally launched her new online magazine and I want to know why something so awful and pointless can even get off the ground. Everything about it is stupid and bad.

And where’s Tavi?? Remember when this was going to be a joint project? Who is our Blogging Business Deal specialist? Please report back on this intriguing mystery.

Meanwhile, this awful Jane crap got me thinking about how there is really nowhereto go online if you want some entertainment for smart people. The Huffingting Post is just populist garbage, Jezebel is too full of itself and has too much attitude, The New Yorker isn’t visually appealing, Arts & Literature Daily has too many choices to sift through, pop culture websites are too geared toward the bourgeois hipster, etc etc.

Why can’t we have something good, with lots of thoughtful, funny, sophisticated, and provocative essays and photos?

I started talking about this to a friend, and tried to explain the target audience for this imaginary project. All I could think of was “you know, people like us: bitter intellectuals.”

He liked the sound of this overlooked market and so do I. I want to start an online magazine for Bitter Intellectuals. We’ll have a daily column about annoying words or phrases, obviously. We’ll have reviews of movies and music, critiques of other blogs, advice on stuff that grown ups care about, debates about politically incorrect subjects, merciless satire, personal stories of defeat and humiliation, and so much more. With good art.

Who would like to get in on something like this? Who has any experience in starting a no-budget venture? Who wishes there was a place to go online where they would never see words like “social-networking” or “game-changing” or terms like “tresses” or “locks” instead of “hair?” Most important, who has the enthusiasm to make me follow through on this?

This is Just Bullshit

Saturday, April 2nd, 2011

Alex Wang expects you to pay $395 for a pair of jeans with a swipe of paint down the sides.

“These dirty-wash straight-leg jeans feature foil accents at the sides. 5-pocket styling and single-button closure. Mild distressing and worn edges.”

As if, Alex. You are THIS   CLOSE to being Cunt of the Week™.