Godammit, I’m Mad!

If only these boots had ______________________.

(opening ceremony $630)

TheShoeGirl knows how to rock this look. Note the live animals that accent her outfit.

Marie is rocking the shit out of it, right?? She’s got a fucking teapot, for godsake!

Juri always knows how to kill it. I don’t know what that crap is in his sock but it’s totally rad.

Kate B is rocking layers and layers of insane opulent/dustbin goodness. No wonder her blog just won an award!

Rebecca’s look is an update to this post, as she had to wrangle her cat, which I mistook for a platypus at first.

Aja is probably going to rock that vase on her head when she hits the streets in all her finery.

Rosie has curated this look to PERFECTION! Even Ted Bundy would admit it!

Here is more Rosie, if you can handle it. Tavi Shmavi, this girl can style like a motherfucking riot.*

TheShoeGirl not only knows where her pussy is, she is killing Sea of Shoe with these heels, while killing this insanely chic look for Fall 2010.

~

Thank you geniuses for the mad inspiration!

I was thrilled to see these images at Rackk and Ruin, from the NYT Style magazine. I’m calling this look Nomadic Bag Lady.

I think we can all effect this look without having to buy anything new. If you put on everything you own, and just drag around the leftovers or tie it around your waist, voila! Fall 2010!

At most, you might have to buy a scrap of fur if your old man isn’t a taxidermist. But compared to last year when you had to buy an embarrassing band jacket, this look is frugaltastic, if not exactly effortless.

Anyone wishing to rock/kill this look, send me a photo and I’ll feature it in a follow up post.

I wasn’t even looking for it, and boom, there it was! Only $31, too.

All the stuff at The Alley Chicago reminds me of the gnarlitude girl, who never tires of saying, “Fuckin RAD!” or “Look at my old man, fuck yeah!” I’m sure that in real life, she’s a very nice girl who doesn’t really love “opiates” even though she cites them in her category “What I’m Into.”

I came across the cunt ring while searching for stuff by Ineke Otte, a Dutch designer whose hideous jewelry is currently featured at ShopCurious. Their merchandise is usually pretentious and overpriced, but normally it’s at least aesthetically pleasing. Here is Ineke Otte’s rat necklace:

WHY, ShopCurious?!? This is just crap! You can’t fool me by saying it’s an “avant garde piece.”

Obviously, I receive too many news letters from too many shopping sites. I don’t have the time or the will to look at most of them, but they are useful for reminding me of how shallow I used to be. Not that I’ve stopped being shallow, but I don’t pursue it any more. Now when I get dressed, I can honestly say that the shoes I wear are which ever ones my husband brings me when I whine, “Can you put on my shoes?”

The broken hip is a constant nuisance. I am really, really sick of it. But it has given me more compassion for my son, who is still learning to sit up in bed.

Hahaha!  $950 at Bergdorf Goodman.

But why stop there?

This insanely chic leather Crusader Helmet is only $80.  Or imagine the envious looks you’ll get by rocking this Greek Spartan Helmet?

It’s on sale for $199.

Admit that you’re smitten. This shit is epic.

Here is the “artwork” that was mistaken for trash and thrown away by some workman helping Courtney Love to move. It’s valued at $11,000 and Courtney is said to be furious.

So am I!  The moving guy deserves an award of some kind. This Art looks like a dead bird in a matchbox….because that’s what it is!  Christ!

The celebrated young artist is Polly Morgan, whose stuff you can see here, but only on an empty stomach. Call me a philistine, but art made from dead animals is just bullshit, with all due or undue respect to Damien Hirst. Make it go away!

On the same topic, sort of, is the Todd Selby Shop at Collete, where you can get a dead mouse that’s been died yellow for around $500, or a collection of old business cards for $154. Or how about a creepy thriftshop toy for $85?

So pretentious was The Selby Shop that I felt it my duty to find out who Todd Selby is. That’s how much I don’t know what’s hip, even though god knows I try!

Todd Selby is a photographer who has taken photos of his friends (all “Creatives,” a word that is sickening enough on its own) in their very hip Living Spaces. Among these photos, you can find the ever-present Erin Wasson, and a whole slew of arty people like this couple:

It’s stuff like this that makes me too enraged and depressed to go on living. I know I should just ignore it, but I feel like it’s crying out to be scorned and vilified! Quoting Hillel the Elder, “If not I, who? If not now, when?”

Tonight, an observant teenage visitor pointed out that we have a lot of crackers. There are six boxes of crackers on top of the fridge, and two more behind that you can’t see in this photo.

This is clearly a problem. Why does a small family need so many boxes of crackers? Is it because we fear a cracker shortage? Are we stocking up for a famine? Or does someone in the house just like to amass crackers?

I personally am not in charge of procuring crackers. We can’t blame me for this one. But I’ve just done an inventory of my nail polish and counted 35 bottles.

Hoarding leads to clutter, and clutter leads to chaos. If you take your hoarded clutter and relocate it, stacking it or piling it but not reducing it, you are just “churning,” in the language of hoarding studies. I keep trying to get the crap off the coffee table, but mostly I end up organizing it into neat groupings of crap.

I am thinking of getting a book called “Buried in Treasures: Help for Compulsive Acquiring, Saving, and Hoarding.“  It sounds great. I like the title of the third chapter, “How did this happen?”

How indeed? My house looks more and more like a thrift shop. It’s a place of female hoarding and male hoarding. Meaning, tons of CDs and electronics, and tons of guitar magazines, along with tons of girlie shit. Tons of pop culture memorabilia. I can see from where I sit the vast collection of Little Golden Books that I read to my firstborn, 30 years ago. But they’re so cute! So full of tender memories!

I wouldnt dream of making a resolution or even a pledge. I just want to get this crap under control. Then I’ll feel better about acquiring some new crap.

I know I am not alone in this cycle of buying, hoarding, churning, and paralysis. It would be nice to know where “collecting” ends and “Hoarding” begins. Are they the same?

I will be praying for deliverance to Saint Marie, the new patron saint of Hoarding Crap. You can pray to her here. But don’t tell her that I just ordered a new pair of ankle boots to not wear with my leather dress. In fact, don’t tell anybody.

Here is a cell phone picture of my dresser tonight. Is there too much crap on it, do you think?

Some of the things I considered writing about today, include:

A really funny review of “the worst book ever written”

The obscenity trial underway in L.A., involving scat porn (and a guy who needs killing)

A blog about “piñata related violence”

Golconda diamonds, and why they are so valuable

But I was too lazy, so that’s why I took a picture of my dresser! Despite appearances, I am devoutly atheist.