Godammit, I’m Mad!

A friend  sent me a link to a woman who has a blog and documents what she wears every day. My friend ’s question was: “Why?!?”

God. I have no idea. Has everyone gone nuts? Who gives a shit what you wear every day, no matter who you are? I don’t even care what I wear every day, let alone some boring mom-woman.

I guess this mom-woman is the antidote to the Sartorialist.  The whole spectacle of what people wear has reached a tipping point, in my opinion.  Let’s start seeing everyone’s dental work or something.

I was honored to serve as the Los Angeles premiere* of Kate Battrick’s short film, “Dress Up,” this week. Kate is known to some of you as the author of Make Do Style.

Her film is a charming and ambitious look at celebrity, aspiration, fashion and status, told through the chance meeting of a young couple who misread each other’s expectations.

When Kate becomes a famous auteur, you can say you remember her start in film-making. Great job, Kate!

*Sweater from my Grandma, shoes from SWEAR London.

Sea of Shoes has been busy since she acquired her “tri-tone brogues” by Comme des Garcons (Que to cry, Tavi!)

In fact, she and Mom have been at the Chictopia blogger summit, to discuss their own influence. According to WWD, Sea… is working on a project “that has to do with a community of fashion bloggers, like a fashion agency, that will bring a little order to the way brands and bloggers work together,” she said, adding that “blogging has increased the pace fashion moves at.”

Oh my! take your time to digest this.

Okay, good. So Sea (i.e., Mom) wants to bring a little order to fashion blogs. Maybe creating an official hierarchy by creating some kind of agency? Shit, you tell me, I don’t know what she’s talking about but it doesn’t sound like anything we need.

In the photo above, Sea looks pissed. She’s thinking, “Why the fuck am I here, I’m so much more important than these losers, I am practically Coco Fucking Chanel!”

Do you have a comment for Jane, who still won’t allow you to make one? This is your chance to speak up. I will go first:

“Dear Sea, please don’t get into some crazy shit where you try to control the Internet because it just won’t work. It doesn’t pay to throw your weight around when you’re eighteen years old and have to go everywhere with your mom. I can’t help thinking you actually believe that life is about shoes. One day, you will have to live down this whole episode. Love, SW.

Sea has been very busy with “work”, but here we find her taking a well-earned rest, covered fetchingly with nothing but a curated fur coat. Note the cascade of streaky hair.  Would a mother take such a photo of her teenage daughter? Surely not. So….did Sea pose for herself? Or for the gay boyfriend?

In other news, Sea confided that she didn’t really have a pair of casual flats, so she obtained/acquired a pair of studded Givenchy ballet shoes that are currently available at Barneys for $450.  A girl needs flats, right? $450 is really pretty reasonable, when you think about it.  It’s a steal, in fact.

Sea also confides that she’s sick and tired of the bad weather. Maybe it’s hard to shop in the rain. Where is a Margiela raincoat when you need one, for fuck sake? If only Mom would buy a TV!

If you need to leave a comment for Jane, this is your chance, since her ban on comments is still in effect. I’ll go first:

Dear Sea, the pose in the fur coat is an unfortunate development. Don’t ruin your brand by playing the slut card! Find a good colorist who can fix the hair, I’m sure they have one in Texas, or call Chanel to see if they’ll send one from Paris. Love, xo SW

Sea of  Shoes continues her reign of terror by designing a coat for Gryphon, a perfectly nice fashion line until now. Without ever meeting in person, Sea was able to transmit her design for the hideous coat she is modeling in this photo. Note the awkward bell sleeves and icky attached pouch.  If that’s not enough for you, Sea and Mom have SIGNED A BOOK DEAL!  Isn’t that fabulous?!?

Sea won’t publish your comments, you stupid peons, but you can leave them here.  I’ll go first.

Wow, awful coat, way to go! OMG, I heard about your book deal and asked myself, Where’s my book deal??  I wish I had an angle, like millions of shoes or a weird thing with my mom! Love, SW

As you probably know, Sea of Shoes is very busy getting ready for Christmas, and she even helpfully explains that “Thursday is Christmas Eve, Friday is Christmas…“  The girl is sharp as a tack, you have to hand it to her.

She also offers an awkward English translation of an article about her in Elle France, called ‘A Day With Jane.’ It’s a  delightful account of Sea’s high-powered life, which revolves around her daily “blog duties,” and of course, her mom. She confides that her school was too conservative for her, too Texas.  The biggest surprise is that the Sea household is without a TV. Mom and the girls have to watch old episodes of ‘Dynasty‘ on a computer!

What is more disturbing: That this family actually does take its fashion cues from Dynasty, it wasn’t just a mean mental judgment you were making? Or, that they don’t own a TV?

Here is your opportunity to leave a comment for Jane.  I will go first.

Hey, Sea! I am worried about that mole above your ankle and I want you to show it to your dermatologist. I don’t want to scare you but it should probably be removed, just to be on the safe side. xo SW

P. S. Tell Mom or Dad to get you a TV. People dress so different now! You’ll love it!

It’s taken me a long time to gather my courage to address the Tavi Problem.  As her celebrity increases, I keep wondering why nobody brings up the subject of autism.

Aspergers Syndrome is a condition on the autistic spectrum, often characterized by a high IQ and an intense preoccupation with a specialized field of interest. In children, Aspergers can be especially endearing. A young person animated by a passion for learning, even if it’s about vacuum cleaners, is a pleasure to be around. As the mom of a kid who attends a special needs school, I’ve come to recognize signs of Aspergers from a mile off, and I’ve come to appreciate the quirky brainy kids that my son hangs out with.

Tavi strikes me as a kid with Aspergers whose obsession dovetails perfectly with the zeitgeist, i.e. the burgeoning influence of bloggers and the fashion industry’s desperation to appear ‘fresh’ and appeal to new markets.  Her extraordinary knowledge of fashion is mind boggling and she clearly has a prodigious memory for details. Gregory Evans has a similar understanding of vacuum cleaners, a gift that has earned him some notoriety but unfortunately not the same outpouring of love that Tavi has received.

Here is what Rodarte sister Kate Mulleavy says of Tavi: “When spending time with Tavi, I am always astonished by her observations. Tavi is a writer in every sense. Her way of interacting with the world comes from a sensitivity and madness that belongs to poets and bank robbers.”

My goodness! Poets and bank robbers?! I worry that Tavi is the Flavor of the Month, and that when the fashion world grows tired of her it will be a difficult transition. I hope her parents know what they’re doing.

My purpose in this discussion is not to diminish Tavi’s achievement but to suggest that using the term Aspergers Syndrome or even autism would help to dispel the notion that those on the spectrum are retarded or stupid. It would encourage other gifted kids to pursue their interests, full steam ahead.

I’m prepared to be scolded for daring to label everyone’s little darling, who is only thirteen. But it’s a label I use with affection and admiration. I’d like to see more kids and adults identify themselves as being on the spectrum. I’d like to see the end of the stigma that persists. As for the Rodarte sisters, I’m pretty sure they have Aspergers too.

By now, you’ve seen the pictures of Sea of Shoes at the ball. My sister pointed out that Sea’s dress was the only one with sleeves! I’m not sure if that’s the case, but it’s a good observation anyway.

As a public service, I invite you to leave your comment to Jane, since she won’t publish them herself.

I will begin:

OMG Jane, you look like a turtle in this photo! It’s good to see that you need to be photographed from a “good” angle, just like everyone else! Hate the dress but glad you had fun. Love, SW

I was excited about finding a new blog to hate, based on the recommendations of my astute readers. You all know what a hater I am. Although I don’t hate “on” people, as I’ve already made clear.

Anyway, I went to check out the girl who calls herself Gala Darling, only to find to my horror that I couldn’t hate her!

She seems like a ridiculous person, yes. She goes on and on about shit in a wordy but bland manner, and she certainly seems to love herself, a trait that normally enrages me.

But her nose is too big, and that may be where I draw the line.

How can you really work up a good head of hatred for someone when you feel bad about their nose? The only exception is Sarah Jessica Parker, who brandishes that nose around just to spite us.

The big nose is such blight on the Darling girl’s life that she is trying desperately to compensate with a kooky personality and Manic Panic hair color. Her whole persona screams, “I want love and attention without having to get a nose-job!” But as we know, this won’t work.  The nose is there, we see it! Even though Barbara Streisand has an amazing voice, we were bothered by her nose!

I feel I have failed my faithful readers in this unforeseen hatred malfunction. I tried to hate a seemingly worthy target and yet I’m blocked. I did look at her boyfriend though, and I think I can hate him with no trouble.

Let me have another chance! Suggestions?

Today I was at the hospital for 12 hours, waiting for my son’s surgery and then waiting for word about the surgery and then waiting for him to return to his room. The surgery was successful and I am still trying to unwind.

Hospital life is an alternate universe where time is different, people are different, and you start enjoying the hand sanitizer. I’ve gotten so sick of myself and my own story that the sound of someone yelling personal shit into a phone is fascinating beyond belief. I listened to a guy screaming emotionally about obscure family dramas as he paced back and forth, tearing at his hair. I hoped I could lure him into confiding in me before he disappeared down the hall.

Since the hospital Proudly Serves Starbucks, one spends about $15 a day for the relief of having a hot drink to hold when one is kicked out of the ICU for staff changes or Procedures. One soon becomes familiar with all the restrooms, the limited offerings of the gift shop, and the places where one can get a phone signal.

For the fashion-conscious, the hospital is a big wake-up call. I hate the term “wake-up call.” I could have said “eye-opener” but I hate that too, although not with the same intensity. No one dresses with any discernible style at the hospital. In nearly three weeks, I have seen exactly two women wearing Fierce Shoes. One looked like a misplaced prostitute/fashionista, and the other appeared to be a deluded immigrant of some kind. Today in the elevator, however, I saw an old lady (i.e., my age) wearing an embroidered cardigan that I myself purchased last year from the Lucky Jeans store.  The cardigan is dead to me now.

What I’d really like is to slowly re-accustom myself to non-Hospital Life, but that is not going to happen anytime soon.  Maybe I can at least cut down on the coffee but that is even more unlikely.

The weirdest part of all is coming home to my other life, and to my computer. The stuff I paid so much attention to is vaguely absurd, but somehow comforting. I just saw some pictures of Tavi at Fashion Week, dressed like an old lady at a bingo table in Miami. I’m waiting for her to take off that dwarf costume and go “Ha ha, suckers!” Not because she’s too sophisticated to be a kid but because her style is so fucking awful.

That’s it for now.  Who wants to come up with an idea for a contest where the prize is that dead cardigan?