Godammit, I’m Mad!

Please forgive me Jesus, I can’t stop myself without Your help!

First, I was upset to see these $595 boots ( or rather, “kicks”) that have gotten so much press. Why does this poor girl need to spend so much on, let me quote here, “…my first piece of Alex Wang.”  “Alex??” Is that like someone buying the knock-off version by “Jeff” Campbell?

But then I am referred to an online magazine where the girl is featured in an interview and replying to the question, “What was the last thing you’ve bought?” the poor girl answers:

“A crew neck t-shirt from Obesity and Speed with ‘Choose Death’ printed on it. Can’t go wrong with that!”

Aaaah. Help me, help me, Jesus. Give me the courage, the wisdom, the serenity prayer, anything. The brand names, the goth cluelessness, no no no, take it away. Or help the poor girl to wise up.

A few people have cited a certain blogger as someone who would annoy me, so tonight I checked her out. The thing that struck me most was her hideous collection of claw-themed jewelry.

Why the fucking claws?! (Somehow I feel this question woud sound more  beautiful and heartfelt in French but I don’t speak French. Can anyone help translate??)

Now that skull imagery is somewhat passe, the trend has moved to animal skulls. If I see another fucking brass bird-skull necklace, I’m going to strangle someone with it. Bird-skulls, huge claws, talons, just take them all away. Mom of Shoes has a monstrous claw pendent by the ubiquitous Pamela Love and so does every Clueless Goth Kid and tattooed fashion model a la Erin Wasson.

I was so annoyed by the claw-laden blogger that I went to etsy and typed “claw.” Try it! A huge volume of icky claw-things is available, many rivaling Mom’s $700 pendent in stark ugliness. I was particularly impressed by a store called Loved to Death, where I came across these “muskrat mandible” earrings.

And I realized that the blogger girl owns an identical pair!

What is the point in adorning yourself in stupid faux taxidermy? Why do so many people follow these trends? When can we go back to appreciating objects that are life-affirming rather than dead or faux-dead?

Here is the truth: Tonight, I just hate everything. Not so much hate, just don’t give a shit.

I want to be interested in something but nothing worked. I don’t give a shit about who wore what to the Met Gala. I certainly don’t give a shit about Lady Gaga or the Sex and the City movie. I’m too depressed by World Events to dwell upon them. I looked at fashion and felt that it’s being covered better elsewhere. I looked for new Whores With Blogs™ and discovered that Roomy has lost her bloom and the What Is Reality girl just flounces around with the Jizz Girls.  It has all become so incestuous, lately!

A bunch of Second Tier Whores With Blogs™ have posted the usual mood boards and photos of Daul (“RIP!”,) Kate Moss, anyone who is blond and holding a cigarette. They’re all boasting about some stupid wedge heeled boots by Jeffrey Campbell or Sam Edelman ( I TOLD you they are Second Tier; they can’t afford Rick Owens or even Acne.)

The girl at Luxnoir is still chunky and in love with herself. The Dirty Flaws girl shows a photo of a weird chain gag in someone’s mouth with the title “Yes, Please!” I get that she’s Dirty but why do these girls need to work so hard to emphasize their Darkness? Why can’t they just get their entire bodies pierced and covered with cigarette burns and Sanskrit tattoos and get it over with? Gnarlitude is still Stoked by all the radness and Fuck Yeah-ing over everything.

Since I’ve wasted all this time, Let me introduce the Model/Whore above, who really really loves herself and seems like reason enough for Roomy to either blow her brains out or find a new direction entirely.

Sorry. I failed. Maybe tomorrow.

Today, I came upon this photo of Tragic Fashion Boy today on a fashion blog, with this caption:

“She has this androgynous petit gamin look that’s just fascinating. A good example of how the guests can really bring a designer’s vision to life at a fashion show.”

Oh dear! Is TFB pushing the petit gamin thing too far? Or is it a heinous lapse of cultural literacy on the part of the blogger, who should be able to identify TFB as easily as Leigh Lezark and Daphne Guiness?

On the bright side, when I showed this picture to my son’s girlfriend, she exclaimed, “Tragic Fashion Boy!” So my work is done.

A friend  sent me a link to a woman who has a blog and documents what she wears every day. My friend ’s question was: “Why?!?”

God. I have no idea. Has everyone gone nuts? Who gives a shit what you wear every day, no matter who you are? I don’t even care what I wear every day, let alone some boring mom-woman.

I guess this mom-woman is the antidote to the Sartorialist.  The whole spectacle of what people wear has reached a tipping point, in my opinion.  Let’s start seeing everyone’s dental work or something.

I was honored to serve as the Los Angeles premiere* of Kate Battrick’s short film, “Dress Up,” this week. Kate is known to some of you as the author of Make Do Style.

Her film is a charming and ambitious look at celebrity, aspiration, fashion and status, told through the chance meeting of a young couple who misread each other’s expectations.

When Kate becomes a famous auteur, you can say you remember her start in film-making. Great job, Kate!

*Sweater from my Grandma, shoes from SWEAR London.

Sea of Shoes has been busy since she acquired her “tri-tone brogues” by Comme des Garcons (Que to cry, Tavi!)

In fact, she and Mom have been at the Chictopia blogger summit, to discuss their own influence. According to WWD, Sea… is working on a project “that has to do with a community of fashion bloggers, like a fashion agency, that will bring a little order to the way brands and bloggers work together,” she said, adding that “blogging has increased the pace fashion moves at.”

Oh my! take your time to digest this.

Okay, good. So Sea (i.e., Mom) wants to bring a little order to fashion blogs. Maybe creating an official hierarchy by creating some kind of agency? Shit, you tell me, I don’t know what she’s talking about but it doesn’t sound like anything we need.

In the photo above, Sea looks pissed. She’s thinking, “Why the fuck am I here, I’m so much more important than these losers, I am practically Coco Fucking Chanel!”

Do you have a comment for Jane, who still won’t allow you to make one? This is your chance to speak up. I will go first:

“Dear Sea, please don’t get into some crazy shit where you try to control the Internet because it just won’t work. It doesn’t pay to throw your weight around when you’re eighteen years old and have to go everywhere with your mom. I can’t help thinking you actually believe that life is about shoes. One day, you will have to live down this whole episode. Love, SW.

Sea has been very busy with “work”, but here we find her taking a well-earned rest, covered fetchingly with nothing but a curated fur coat. Note the cascade of streaky hair.  Would a mother take such a photo of her teenage daughter? Surely not. So….did Sea pose for herself? Or for the gay boyfriend?

In other news, Sea confided that she didn’t really have a pair of casual flats, so she obtained/acquired a pair of studded Givenchy ballet shoes that are currently available at Barneys for $450.  A girl needs flats, right? $450 is really pretty reasonable, when you think about it.  It’s a steal, in fact.

Sea also confides that she’s sick and tired of the bad weather. Maybe it’s hard to shop in the rain. Where is a Margiela raincoat when you need one, for fuck sake? If only Mom would buy a TV!

If you need to leave a comment for Jane, this is your chance, since her ban on comments is still in effect. I’ll go first:

Dear Sea, the pose in the fur coat is an unfortunate development. Don’t ruin your brand by playing the slut card! Find a good colorist who can fix the hair, I’m sure they have one in Texas, or call Chanel to see if they’ll send one from Paris. Love, xo SW

Sea of  Shoes continues her reign of terror by designing a coat for Gryphon, a perfectly nice fashion line until now. Without ever meeting in person, Sea was able to transmit her design for the hideous coat she is modeling in this photo. Note the awkward bell sleeves and icky attached pouch.  If that’s not enough for you, Sea and Mom have SIGNED A BOOK DEAL!  Isn’t that fabulous?!?

Sea won’t publish your comments, you stupid peons, but you can leave them here.  I’ll go first.

Wow, awful coat, way to go! OMG, I heard about your book deal and asked myself, Where’s my book deal??  I wish I had an angle, like millions of shoes or a weird thing with my mom! Love, SW

As you probably know, Sea of Shoes is very busy getting ready for Christmas, and she even helpfully explains that “Thursday is Christmas Eve, Friday is Christmas…“  The girl is sharp as a tack, you have to hand it to her.

She also offers an awkward English translation of an article about her in Elle France, called ‘A Day With Jane.’ It’s a  delightful account of Sea’s high-powered life, which revolves around her daily “blog duties,” and of course, her mom. She confides that her school was too conservative for her, too Texas.  The biggest surprise is that the Sea household is without a TV. Mom and the girls have to watch old episodes of ‘Dynasty‘ on a computer!

What is more disturbing: That this family actually does take its fashion cues from Dynasty, it wasn’t just a mean mental judgment you were making? Or, that they don’t own a TV?

Here is your opportunity to leave a comment for Jane.  I will go first.

Hey, Sea! I am worried about that mole above your ankle and I want you to show it to your dermatologist. I don’t want to scare you but it should probably be removed, just to be on the safe side. xo SW

P. S. Tell Mom or Dad to get you a TV. People dress so different now! You’ll love it!