Godammit, I’m Mad!

Neither do I!  But a whole lot of people are working hard at this very moment to perfect their gait and spruce up their saddles in preparation for some exciting “ponyplay.”

Why am I the last one to find out about stuff like this?? My husband showed me an article in the LA Weekly about a 50 year old woman who dresses up like a pony and makes a good living at it. She goes to crazy pony events where ponies and masters hope to hook up, and others where the ponies compete for awards.

Listen, I understand role-playing. Naughty schoolgirl, fine. Cantering around with a bit in my mouth and a tail in my butt, I’m just not feeling it.

Here are some hooves you can buy….”Nice look, clip-clop sound when used on the floor.”

What the fuck is wrong with people, you know? Life is so difficult and complicated and so easy to screw up, why try to live it as a fake pony?

One of a Kind Designer Distressed Jeans [by Madewell].  $225

“Lovingly demolished, these dirty-wash skinny jeans feature paint splatter and shredded holes. 5-pocket styling and single-button closure. Wrinkling at front. Worn spots and heavy distressing throughout. 10″ leg opening.”

The Oxford Twisted Outseam Boyfriend Jean from Radcliffe. $210

“Radcliffe combines everyday wearability and an understated luxury in every garment with a deep understanding of how women want their clothes to fit and complement their shape.”

This is a tough call. The Madewell jeans are lovingly demolished. When was the last time you lovingly demolished something? The other nght, I stepped on a huge cockroach. I wasn’t feeling the love, I have to admit. Hm.  The splattered paint might give this pair the edge, in that it’s pretentious. You’re not only pretending that you keep your battered old jeans, but also that you’re an Artist.

However, the Radcliffe Boyfriend Jean is such an oxymoron! You’ll never have a boyfriend if you go out wearing these. And I like the Radcliffe mission statement: a deep understanding of how women like their clothes to fit?! Hahaha!

I do realise that I have a perverse fetish, deriving pleasure from ugly jeans. What’s that called again? Being a cunt? Or is there a more specific term for it?