Godammit, I’m Mad!

When Max and his friend Jonas were around 20 and living in New York, they made a bet on who could go longer with shaving only one side of his face.

As you see, they committed fully to their bet. In the end, they decided to call it a draw, since neither of them would ever give in.

I’d like to say that Max got his stubbornness from me, but his dad is still the most stubborn person I’ve ever known. Once, he sat for hours in his car, on a scorching summer afternoon, trying to prevent another driver from pulling into a parking place that he thought was rightfully his. Max and I went into a cafe to wait it out. I explained that Daddy was playing a game. I assured him, sadly, that Daddy would win.

In my own life, being stubborn has been a quality I considered an asset, or at least a strength. No one can fuck with me and get away with it. I will never back down. I will never compromise my “honor.”

Lately, more than one friend has urged me to let something go….and I find it’s an alien concept.

When do you decide to “let something go?” Are there some things you refuse to “let go,” even if it would make life easier?

Max and Luke became friends when they were 6 and played on the same soccer team. In the photo above, they were 8 year old headbangers. I can’t remember why they’re wearing those wacky outfits but I do recall being horrified when Luke’s mom let him get a bleached mohawk. In fact, she is an amazing mother.

Max and Luke started a band in our garage, and it lasted until they were young men and had a falling out that broke both their hearts. When Max was hurt last year, Luke came to the hospital and cried at his bedside. Max pulled through and their beautiful friendship was repaired.

I know that this was part of Max’s unfinished business to complete. Luke knows it too.  Last week, he wrote this song and I asked him to record it for me:

“The Gift”

Under the name Lucas Revolution, Luke will be hitchhiking around the US performing his songs and documenting the experience. You can learn about it here.

Thanks universe, for bringing Luke into Max’s life, and mine.

There aren’t really stages of grief, there’s just a big rupture and then a big mess of denial, anger, shock, guilt, etc. etc etc and none of it is orderly. Right now I’m in a state of disbelief and I’m guessing it’s adaptive, to keep mothers from flipping out.

I am seeking solace anywhere I can find it but I can’t listen to the news or look at fashion.

I’ll tell you what’s good: TV.

TV is a great panacea and pacifier. Reality TV is best. Crazy “Housewives” screaming at each other is like manna from heaven. My husband and I are taking comfort there. Scream and fight, Housewives! Never stop!

True Blood worked for me but not so much for my husband. He’s just not gay enough, I guess. When Sam and Eric eyed each other up, the thrill was electric, wasn’t it?!? Eric’s butt was too small for my taste but on the whole it was a yummy festival of hot gayness.

TV is my church and I will worship there. My bed is a place to hold Max’s stuffed animals from his babyhood. My fridge is stocked with weird leftovers from the meals brought over in sympathy.  My tolerance for idiots is being severely tested. My gratitude for kindness is fine-tuned. I can report that aside from TV, you really, really need friends.

Love is all that matters. Remember how we learned that before? It’s easy to forget. I’ll try to remind you, and you can try to remind me.

How many times have you listened to a friend talk about her terrible relationship, only to realize that nothing you can say or do will get her to end it?

I never learn that these people are caught in a cycle of addiction and will crawl back for more abuse until circumstances intervene to break things off.

It should be easy for smart people to figure out that they’re playing a losing game. To everyone else, it’s all so obvious. Now there are 12 step groups for Love Addiction but try getting your friend to go to a meeting. I once got as far as showing someone the online questionnaire about Love Addiction. She answered Yes to nearly every question. But mostly what she really wanted was to talk about the horrible creep who was making her miserable and showed every intention of making her even more miserable.

A long time ago in a galaxy far away, I got caught up like this. A man who didn’t love me and treated me badly was ruining my life. When I broke up with him, he took it well. I felt proud of myself for ending it. Now I would be free! Within 48 hours, I’d call him and whine, “I miss you.” Thus would begin another round of the same pathetic cycle. I needed a fix of whatever it was he was dealing, and he was glad to give it to me. In retrospect, I am amazed at how patient my friends were when I ranted about what a bastard he was.

Feelings of inadequacy, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, buried rage, lack of self-identity are all characteristics of the Love Addict. Then there’s the dopamine issue once the game gets going.

It’s so painful to watch someone you care about waste their time and batter their own self-esteem through this irrational and obsessive behavior. I have three friends at present who are lost in addictive affairs that are dragging them down. I wish I could help, but I can’t. I’m glad it’s not me, though.

If you’ve broken free of a screwed up addictive relationship, what have you learned about yourself? What helped you to survive the withdrawal? Or how have you been able to lead a friend toward self-preservation?

I just saw this movie on TV, late at night, and was haunted by its depiction of a suffocatingly close friendship that revolves around need and control.

Have you ever had – or observed – a friendship like that? There’s usually one person who seems more dominant and demanding, and one who allows this to happen. They seem to share an identity, one that doesn’t permit either to grow or change.  But you can’t really cite either one as villain or victim, since it’s a dance that takes two people to perform.

When an exasperated lover tells the Michelle Williams character that her best friend “controls” her, she is shocked. It’s not always easy to recognize the dynamics of a relationship when you’re in it. From my perspective, the controlling friend, played by Anna Friels, was more like an emotional vampire who thrived on sucking the joy from the other girl’s life. She is also a classic portrait of Borderline Personality Disorder, a condition so fucked up and harrowing that many shrinks balk at trying to treat it.

My mother was a Borderline and bipolar, too. Because of her, I can’t watch movies that feature a Maniac character; I still get freaked out by the trailer for The Shining. Because of her, I can’t stand people who try to control me, even though I have married two of them.

The first one is still a “control freak” who won’t even talk to you unless he gets to control the conversation. When I met him, I must have found that reassuring. I was only 16. Later, it was unbearable.

The second one, the Love of My Life, is so controlling that he won’t let me buy the groceries, because I “can’t do it right.” The other day, he said to me: “Let me open the sugar next time.” This gave me a frisson* of perverse glee; I’m 56 and my husband thinks I’m too incompetent to open a box of sugar!

Today, I experienced another secret thrill when I opened the new box of sugar while he was at work.

I think the moral here is that people can only control you if you let them. The control is yours to keep or give away. And sometimes, you can pretend to give it away as long as you remember deep down that you are the boss.

~

* frisson is the word for this week. Try to use it in conversation or in writing. See if you can keep a straight face!

Because I’m an addict and an idiot, I’ve spent hours tonight staring like a zombie at crap online. I checked out these pointy-tied Dr. Martens and thought, Eh, they won’t fit and I’ll just have to send them back.

Later, I went to Facebook and to my horror, there was an ad for these Docs right there on my profile page! What the fuck is up with that??

Does Facebook know everything I do? How can Facebook stand me, if It knows what a stupid idiot I am? And how can I stand Facebook for getting all up in my business?

Fucking Facebook. I still can’t even figure out what people are supposed to do there. MySpace was great for pranks and causing trouble. Facebook? Who cares where you went for dinner! Not me.

However, I did have a reason for going to Facebook tonight: to snag a photo of this amazing six-layer rainbow cake that my friend Rose made. Ooooh!

Friendship and cake are blessings to cherish. Ice cream, too.