Godammit, I’m Mad!

Sea has been very busy with “work”, but here we find her taking a well-earned rest, covered fetchingly with nothing but a curated fur coat. Note the cascade of streaky hair.  Would a mother take such a photo of her teenage daughter? Surely not. So….did Sea pose for herself? Or for the gay boyfriend?

In other news, Sea confided that she didn’t really have a pair of casual flats, so she obtained/acquired a pair of studded Givenchy ballet shoes that are currently available at Barneys for $450.  A girl needs flats, right? $450 is really pretty reasonable, when you think about it.  It’s a steal, in fact.

Sea also confides that she’s sick and tired of the bad weather. Maybe it’s hard to shop in the rain. Where is a Margiela raincoat when you need one, for fuck sake? If only Mom would buy a TV!

If you need to leave a comment for Jane, this is your chance, since her ban on comments is still in effect. I’ll go first:

Dear Sea, the pose in the fur coat is an unfortunate development. Don’t ruin your brand by playing the slut card! Find a good colorist who can fix the hair, I’m sure they have one in Texas, or call Chanel to see if they’ll send one from Paris. Love, xo SW

This coat has been sealed in a big package, laying on my couch for nearly two weeks. My son’s accident brought my world to a halt, and I couldn’t bear the frivolity of opening a package.

Tonight, I felt it was time to check out my last impulsive and misguided internet purchase, so I tore the bag off the coat and squealed happily at the sight of this giant shaggy Kate Moss thing from Topshop.  I don’t have a full-length mirror, so my husband took a photo to help me see how great it looks. I may not be Carine Roitfeld but ha ha, now I can look like a Yeti too.

I have to admit that I’m giddy with relief.  My kid’s condition has gone from critical to stable. It’s a fucking miracle. It’s all I really care about, and yet….it’s still fun to rant, complain and make fun of people!

I knew it would make me feel better to check in with Sea of Money and Mom. But I had no idea of the folly that awaited me there.

Sea reveals that she’s been busy “working” with the rack of furs that Mom has been buying since the beginning of the year.  She notes of these furs that Mom “has…..curated quite the collection.”

People, does it get better than this?!?

Where I come from, this is called “hoarding” or even “stockpiling.” But now we are all curators!

I believe I have curated quite the collection of jeans, since I was unable to locate my Comfortable Jeans in a timely fashion when I was anxious to get back to the hospital one day last week. I flipped through piles of folded jeans, desperately tossing them aside, and finally giving up in frustration. It was a clumsy Aesop’s fable: The woman who was stymied by her greed for jeans. I ended up settling for the awful harem pants and spent the day looking like a crazy bag lady after adding my nephew’s long, patchwork cardigan.

While Sea and Mom spend their time plundering the world of its fur coats, one can’t help but wonder, What about Carol?

Carol, we are worried about you. Did they put you in the attic? Are you being held hostage under a tarp in the backyard? Did they send you to a Swiss boarding school or a musty convent?

You’re a person too, Carol, even if you can’t design shoes or curate hideous animal-shaped belt buckles! You matter. Let me know where you are and I’ll pick you up ASAP. You can come with me to the hospital, where nothing matters but life it self. In the end, the shoes won’t help at all. Maybe you already know that. I hope so! That would be epic.

I used to think I had a fairly good command of the English language, but lately I am puzzled by words I thought I knew.

I don’t get the word “um” in its current usage.  Read the following sentence to see what I mean:

Um excuse me, are these not the most ridiculous sunglasses you’ve ever seen?

I am quoting a nice girl named Karla whose blog is very popular. Her readers seem to speak her language. I know she’s saying, “These sunglasses are awesome,” but what’s with the “um?”

Does “um” at the beginning of a sentence mean “wow?” This is a genuine question! Whatever it means in this context, I want it to stop.

If this were a movie instead of a blog, I’d cut to a fantasy sequence.

“Karla? It’s me, I’m at Bloomingdale’s trying on fur crap. Want to hang out?”

“Hi, honey. I’ll be home late tonight. Karla is taking me to this insane gym to help me build up my legs. Bye!”

A full year ago, I complained about fur vests.  Somehow, it has reappeared as one of the It items for fall/winter.  I haven’t seen one on a real live person yet, but presumably they are selling well.  I’ve tried one on, but the hippie flashbacks were too upsetting to permit further consideration.

The vest in this photo is by Golden Goose, the brand that brought us faux-vintage cowboy boots for $1,200.  The fur is fox, but I don’t know.  It looks like something I might find dead in my backyard.  So here are my guidelines for choosing a fur vest:

1. It can’t look like something your dog might drag in through the dog-door.
2. It can’t remind you of a Yeti.
3. It can’t look like a caveman costume.
4. It can’t look like fake fur, even if it is fake fur.
5. It can’t incorporate another trend, like studs or fringe.

Feel free to add your own rules.

It has now been confirmed that this jacket from Topshop is killing it. That means you can look forward to a slew of fashion bloggers modeling this item with hands-to-face.  Too bad if you don’t like money fur or even fake monkey fur.  Girls will be stampeding to get at this jacket. Stand back!

Now, how do you feel about the word “drop” when used in this context?  I personally cannot stand it, but it’s usage is increasing by the minute. I didn’t like it when new records were about to drop, and I like it even less with fashion.  The word “drop” is just wrong, unless a stork drops the records or jackets like a new baby.  Drop is better when preceding the word “dead.”  Why can’t we just say “it arrives on August 28″ instead of “it drops?”

I chose August 28 because it’s my birthday! Yay for me!  If you want to make me happy, you can help me compile a decent Hit List™.  I’m deferring to those who inexplicably don’t want to kill Bono, so I’ll be starting off with Sting, Ben Stiller, and Lou Dobbs.

Here’s an appealing version of the It Jacket, by surrealist photographer Madame Peripetie, who has a masters degree in Applied Linguistics. I have to think she doesn’t like “drop” either.

I have to say that this fur vest actually scared the shit out of me.

It’s the Haute Hippie Mongolian Vest, $895.  It’s “the look of the season” so steel yourself.  Why would anyone want to buy this, except to scare people?

Help me understand the buyer at Saks.  She must have been thinking “This vest will appeal to ______________________ because _________________________.”

Here is the KEY LOOK for Fall, modeled by Shopbop’s new model, Rumer 2.0, featuring the all important shaggy fur jacket. Yes, this is the very same faux fur immortalized by Sea of Shoes and Her Mom in Vogue magazine! I’ll wait here while you race to order it from Intermix.

Okay, are you back? So, the aim for Fall is to look like a 70’s era hooker. Pretend you’re an extra in Taxi Driver. It’s all about trashy fierceness.  Be sure to throw in something sequined, “from super shiny to uber-destroyed.”

Torn, shredded skinnies topped with more torn crap:  “As you move into fall you will need to upgrade from your ripped, ravaged and shredded tee to the sweater version of this red hot trend. Kimberly Ovitz creates it here for you in a relatively heavy sweater knit. In black.”

Thanks, Kimberly! $795 at Intermix.

We’re almost done! Once you’ve got the fierce skinnies, studded boots, ripped l——s, military jacket, fake fur and layers of boyfriend t-shirts, PILE ON some twisted up chain necklaces with fun amulets like daggers, skulls, talons, and the kitchen sink. Here’s a good prototype, by Fallon, $145.

Now you’re ready to hit the streets, with or without your pimp. WAIT, did I forget to say leather?!? Sorry. Leather leather leather leather. Biker leather, asymetrical leather, studded leather, moto leather, leather leather.

What can one say about this atrocity, which features genuine ocelot fur?  Although, now that I look some more, I can see J Lo wearing these, can’t you?

*This is the last time I will use Jumped the Shark. From now on, it’s “Jumped the Topshop Jacket.”

What a relief to find some fur on the runway that I don’t want. These two numbers by Givenchy are repulsive, aren’t they? I’m sure Madonna will show up in one, so I’m already bracing myself. The one on the left looks like the model fought with a gorilla and won. The one on the right looks like the gorilla ate the model but is using her head as a decoy.

It makes me especially sad to look at these “dresses” because of the new study suggesting that chimps can make plans for the future and thus have an autonoetic consciousness. The chimp in question was seen hoarding stones to throw at visitors outside his cage at a zoo in Sweden. He collected the stones when he was calm, anticipating that he’d be pissed off when the zoo opened the next day.

That chimp is alot smarter than I am. For example, I ate three bags of peanut M&M’s last night, unable to predict that I’d feel fat in the morning. God I am stupid. I don’t even deserve to be in a zoo.

Getting back to fashion, I am pleased to see that gladiator sandals are back with a vengeance. This means that the hideous gladiator spats I bought last year will be right on-trend, even though I plan to continue to not wear them.

I’ll bet that chimp would have known not to buy these. I am more and more impressed by him!