Godammit, I’m Mad!

The gods have spoken and it’s clear that by fall we’ll all be wearing black leather leggings, shaggy fur jackets and lethal high heels. At least we have two choices for the shoes: toe-exposing boots or something with fringe.

I don’t know what’s up with the open-toe boots but there’s no escaping them. They seem very presentational, like “Look, here are my toes!” Unless your toes are really exquisite, I think you should think twice before getting involved in this.

The fringe business is traumatic for ex-hippies, let me tell you. Same goes for the new “western Look.” Here is a tragic fringed shoe from Sergio Rossi. $960. As if.

No matter what PETA says, fur is gorgeous and wonderful. Cavemen wore it and so should you (as long as it’s not made-in-China, or anything you could find in my back yard like a dog or possum.)

Admit that you love this Dolce and Gabbana fur coat!

What on earth could be more beautiful!  Maybe these furs by Pucci?

Just when I don’t have money to waste, along comes so much scrumptious fur. It’s a good thing that I recently came across this piece of wisdom: “You already have everything you need to be happy.” I know in my heart that it’s true. But the rest of me wants fur.

I would even settle for this rocking sheep if I can’t have the Dolce and Gabbana. It’s at Vivre, where there’s no such thing as a recession and “Now is the time to take new risks and open the door to new experiences.”

Look at these amazing little purses by Natalie Brilli. Gazing at them, I completely forgot that I’m sick of skulls. I would hate to have to choose between them. In fact, I need everything she’s ever designed, even the black leather skateboard. Every piece is a work of art.

As an admitted lover of fur, I found my self vaguely disgusted by this fur ‘helmut’ by Rachel Comey.

It’s made of 100% baby alpaca. We are assured that it’s “made from alpaca that died of natural causes”. Somehow, that doesn’t sound good to me. If the animals were babies, why did they die? Were they sick? I wouldn’t want to wear anything made from a sick dead baby animal.

It just goes to show how we don’t always respond to marketing. Another example is the use of older women to sell us skin products. Ugh. Or Gwyneth Paltrow shilling for Estee Lauder and Tod’s. The ads with Gwyneth say to me “I’m too lazy to act in movies now, so here’s how I’m making money!”

I saw Gwyneth on Oprah the other night, and she stated proudly that she was very involved in her children’s lives. Hahaha! As though she deserved a medal. Fucking Gwyneth! When she started praising Madonna’s “wisdom,” I changed the channel. Is anyone else bothered by Gwyneth? I actually find her more annoying that Keira Knightley.

*PAP Smear bonus! Here is a clip of the First Dude trying to read!

Is it red or sort of orange or pink? As seen on my browser, I’m not quite sure about the color of this fox fur jacket but I do know I love it. I could buy it and strenuously deny that I fell for the fur vest directive, because it’s a jacket! Yay!

While we’re thinking about hard-to-describe color, look at this beautiful coat by Nanette Lepore. I’m calling it “fuschia.”  My-wardrobe.com is calling it “pink.”

I love these items and even though I’d never wear them, I am clinging to the distraction of fashion as the Republican Convention threatens to push me to the breaking point….

I don’t want a fur vest, or at least I didn’t want one. But I may not have a choice, if the imperative of being fashionable does its job on my poor vulnerable brain.

Here is what I mean:

From left: Intermix fox fur, Intermix goat hair, Jenni Kayne coyote fur.

If you think you can get out of this by joining PETA, forget it. You can achieve the same look with feathers:

This feather vest is by LaRok at Chick Downtown,  whose mailing list is practically a jail sentence, so constant and bothersome are their updates.

I hope to god I don’t get suckered into this 60s flashback Yeti look, but I’m not promising anything.

Would you wear this weasel fur jacket by Lanvin?  How about if it costs $13,000?  Is Alber Elbaz having a little joke with himself?  How many weasels were involved, do you think?

I’m sure I’m a despicable hypocrite for loving fur, and drawing the line at weasels. But there you go. Fox, yes. Weasel, no.

This Miu Miu jacket is a better buy at $1,800 (pre-order at Matches.com) and it would look nice with my new cane. Let’s not call it a cane, though. It’s a ‘walking stick!’  I don’t think the birds have to die to make marabou jackets.  Actually, the more I look at this jacket, the more I’m convinced that the birds wanted to sacrifice themselves for me and Miu Miu.

When I went googling marabou, I found these slippers.

The wonderful thing about them is the name of the website: Romance-Your-Wife.  It promises Husbands that “no intimate attire will make your wife feel more womanly” than these slippers!

I’m off to investigate the other stuff at Romance Your Wife, just in case my own husband has overlooked anything.

Sometimes, things that are awful bring us joy; but sometimes, they’re just plain awful. Queen Marie was rightly offended by the notion of fake high-heels made for babies. For $35, you can buy a pair of these shoes, put them on a baby and laugh your ass off. Ha ha, look at the baby! You could also put sunglasses and jewelry on the baby and laugh even more. Sister Wolf says, Give that $35 to a homeless shelter and leave the baby alone.

As a fur-lover and proud carnivore, I am usually happy to see fur accessories, but here’s something that shocked me with it’s assaultive ugliness. Not only are these leg-warmers an abomination, they are even sold out! Presumably, whoever bought them is somewhere right now, laughing at babies in high heels.

For the third and final No, I bring you this photo courtesy of The Look-See. These models were used by Yohji, Etro, and Ann Demeulemeester in Milan. They are not conventional male model types, get it? They are old geezers! This is so funny, like high heels on a baby! But I would rather stick with handsome boys.

The moral here is that some people will be fooled into accepting awfulness as some sort of post-modern joke, but We are simply not having it.