Beyonce celebrated her 30th birthday on her yacht in Italy, with family and a few close friends. Her close friend Gwyneth (??) was seen giving Beyonce an envelope. Look how happy she is after she opens it!
I need to know what was in that envelope.*
Suggestions?
*My friend Maxine said “I would like to think it was a specially penned poem.” If you agree with Maxine, please approximate the poem.
I have PTSD and the world is going to hell, but for the moment I’m choosing to focus on other matters. For example, here is a challenging dilemma:
Who is more annoying. Gwyneth or Chloe?
On the one hand, Gwyneth has that awful website and now she has a recording contract as a country-western singer.
On the other hand, Chloe has her stupid fashion line for Opening Ceremony and that hipster lifestyle.
Gwyneth has the rock-star husband and the unforgivable names of her children. But Chloe has no talent and she looks like she needs a good hot bath. Each of them is a grating irritant in the oyster of my psyche, neither producing a pearl. I would say it’s closer to a blister. I hate them both.
Don’t get caught up on the word “hate,” if that bother you. Just tell me who you find more annoying, and why.
Ready, set, go.
Sometimes a person comes along and captures your attention no matter how much you think you don’t care about them. Such is the wonder of Rachel Zoe.
I thought I’d had enough of her after reading about her fight with Nicole Richie and seeing photos of her anorexic shriveled body with the attendant quote: I’m just naturally tiny!
But one of my horrible newsletters invited me to click on Rachel Zoe’s new website and voila! I am hooked. How does she write like that, is my question. It’s like a whole other language! No wonder people like her! This is better than GOOP, don’t you think? Or maybe they can’t be compared, since they are nutty in different ways, like the unhappy families in Anna Karenina.
Here is what I’ve just learned from Rachel Zoe: Diamond studs can get a little snoozy. That’s right, SNOOZY, you snoozy diamond stud people. I personally have three little snoozy diamond studs in my right ear at this very moment. Luckily, I also have a little gold spike earring in the same ear, or I might feel like a complete loser. Whew! That was a close call.
I can tell Rachel Zoe is going to keep me on my toes. If only she would share that fucking Restylane with me. I know I’m fixated on it, but I can feel my cheeks deflating with every passing moment.
Today I read a thing about Gwyneth’s expensive new gym in New York, and her partner/personal trainer, Tracy Anderson. Tracy is also Madonna’s personal trainer, and she takes credit for creating Madge’s controversial body.
If you check out Tracy’s website, you can see a gallery of photos that highlight her sinewy pelvis. There’s probably something wrong with me, because the lean pelvis looks painfully deprived of flesh AND a little too much like a young boy. Call me crazy.
Tracy actually looks more like a nice little troll in real life, and that is comforting. But I knew she was a liar after reading that she only lets Madonna lift 3 pound weights. Girl, don’t play us like that! Anyone who’s ever lifted weights knows that is bullshit!
Tracy likes to pontificate on her fitness philosophy, which includes the promise of looking young until you’re 100. She talks about it here and all over the place.
However, other people like to talk about Tracy. TMZ talks about some lawsuits against Tracy, and shared her mugshot.
Other people like to talk about how Tracy ripped them off, here.
I was so excited by all this that I went back to Tracy’s website, where if you click on “About Tracy” you will find “A Letter From Tracy,” where she talks about a time in her life full of “bummers.” She whines about being too “trusting” and how she has overcome adversity.
Yay for Tracy! Now I’m happy. I hope Gwyneth and Madonna know all about the “bummers” but if not, oh well, they’re both as lean as beef jerky, and that’s what matters most!
