Posts Tagged ‘hideous boots’

Fuck You, Redneck Boot Sandals

Monday, June 15th, 2015


I was so touched when three separate people sent me links to these stupid cowboy boot thongs. I thought, “Aww, how lovely, when people see grotesque shoes, they think of me!”

But when I read the text, I learned that the boots are the work of some smartass self-styled redneck who’s managed to make a splash on social media with his stupid faux product.

In other words, these boots are not found art like shoes that someone actually considered attractive and wearable. Instead, these fucking boot-things are ironic, get it?

We don’t need ironic ugly things, we’re already drowning in sincere ugly things! Fake ugly things bring no frisson of joy.

This guy’s Facebook page does not indicate what he intends to do with his new fame or whether we can expect other shoe-jokes in the future. But I can only hold him in contempt for intentionally fucking up a pair of boots, and for thinking he could design anything as innocently hideous as these ‘Open-toe Chrystal Boxer Booties’ by Giuseppe Zanotti.

Giuseppe zanotti shoes

Hideous Footwear Alert

Monday, July 28th, 2014

hideous patti st laurent boots

Can you believe how ugly these are?

hideous patti st laurent boots 2I really am almost speechless.

It would be like shoving your feet into dead animal carcasses and expecting everyone to admire you for it.

Why the silver studded ’embellishment?’ Is it supposed to represent the dead animal’s collar?

Saint Laurent Patti ankle boots, $1,995.00.  (If Patti Smith were dead, she could join Yves to roll around in his grave with him.)

Very Special Boots

Tuesday, July 30th, 2013

Tom Ford patchwork fur boots 3775


Look at these stunning over-the-knee boots made of patchwork fur by the always sexy and repellent Tom Ford.

“Purple tone-on-tone dyed astrakhan (Afghan origin) and dyed calf hair (New Zealand origin.)”  Here’s a close up:

tom ford close-up


If you’re wondering what astrakhan is, designer Dennis Basso says you’re not.

“Women who want something beautiful are only interested in the final product,” he said. “She’s buying fashion. She’s not going into Prada and asking, ‘Where did this come from?’ It’s like when somebody goes and buys a diamond. They’re not asking what mine it came from either.”

But I’ll tell you anyway. Most astrakhan lambs, according to the fur industry, are killed within days or weeks of their birth because as they age, the quality of their wool quickly changes from tightly curled rows to a more coarse and wiry pelt. Oh well, too bad for those lambs, they should be honored to serve Tom Ford’s vision.

I wish Neiman Marcus offered styling advice like Net-a-Porter does, but you’ll have to wing it on your own.


Is This a Tribute?

Thursday, December 29th, 2011

This typically ugly “hiker wedge bootie” by Jeffrey Campbell is called Dammit. I have to wonder if it’s their way of rewarding me for tirelessly spreading the joy of the Jeffrey Campbell aesthetic around the world.

However! If   this piece of shit is a tribute to Sister Wolf, I reject it, with all due appreciation.

They can do much, much better, as we know all too well. For example:

Dammit is right! It’s like they didn’t even try!



Saturday, May 7th, 2011

At last we can go hiking with the assurance of a twisted ankle. Thanks Jeff!

Open-Back Boots

Wednesday, March 9th, 2011

I was going to pose the question, “These boots would be good for ___”, but Net-a-porter has already explained it!

“LD Tuttle’s open-back taupe leather boots exude directional downtown cool.”

So the mystery is solved.   They are good for for exuding directional downtown cool. I never would have guessed in a million years!

Net-a-porter $550

Explain the Open Toe

Sunday, November 28th, 2010

Suede boots with shearling trim and a contrasting rib-knit shaft.

Ugh, fine, fur and knit for warmth…..but why the open toe?!

Anyone who buys these boots ($1,300 Guiseppe Zanotti for Thakoon) is out of her fucking mind.

What’s Missing?

Friday, September 3rd, 2010

If only these boots had ______________________.

(opening ceremony $630)

I’m Too Smart For Alex Wang

Tuesday, August 17th, 2010

He thought I’d make fun of this “sock boot” by combining a lace-up shoe with a folded-over top and a knee high boot. And he was so desperate to get a reaction from me that he even added a silver metal toe thing.

No dice, Alex. I’m not taking the bait. You’ll have to get someone else this time.      ($925 at Shopbop)

Again With the Alex Wang

Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010

A thoughtful girl named Lauren sent a link to these achingly ugly monstrosities by our friend Al Wang. They’re at Opening Ceremony for only $925. The description begins: “alexander wang knows a thing or two about what a girl wants.”

What would that be, Al? Terrifying footwear covered with hair?

(I want to thank Lauren for this distraction, because I am really struggling. I have been reading about grief and it doesn’t help. Knowing what’s normal doesn’t make it easier. I can’t see a way out of this. Finding solace in The Stupid and Awful is my only coping mechanism.)