Godammit, I’m Mad!

J Brand has started naming its pieces after famous people, offering an “Angelina Jumpsuit” and a “Halle Top.” But I’m only interested in the Bergman Leather Shorts.

Obviously, these shorts are problematic. The length is awful and who wants to spend $575 for a cheap-looking elastic waistband?

I just wish I knew which Bergman J Brand has in mind!

Ingmar Bergman? I can sort of imagine Death wearing leather shorts.

Or Ingrid Bergman? Why pick on her? She always dressed so beautifully!

What is your guess?

Finally! How did we live without peplums on our pants? Now all my pants look so drab and minimalist.

“A flounced peplum puts a ladylike touch on a pair of high-waisted alice + olivia pants, cut from figure-hugging mid-weight jersey. Exposed back zip.” $275

Wouldn’t they look great on a job interview, or a first date?

These jeans by Cosmic Wonder are made of “used unprocessed” selvedge denim, with embroidered patchwork detail at the hem. (Notice how nicely the hem hangs in the photo below.)

Complete this sentence:

These jeans are worth $805 because ______________.

This skirt makes me want to kill myself.

But wait. Here is the rear view:

“A patchwork of True Religion denim forms this flowing, vintage-inspired maxi skirt. Slant hip pockets detail the front, and inky-blue pocket shadows darken the back.”

Putting aside the atrocity of the actual skirt, I’m not happy with “darken the back.” Can anyone correct this? Ruin the back? Spoil the back?

$332 at Shopbop

Customer  review:

“I loove this shoe! I purchased it for my bday and wore it with vintage ripped shorts and a collared, quarter-length, oversized, pale yellow shirt and it BANGED!! However, I must add that this shoe is very versatile and can be dressed up or down. It gives every outfit a very polished, futuristic look! Worth every penny :

(Solestruck, $159)

Questions?

Okay, fine, at first glance they’re ugly but wait for the description:

“A softly pleated waistband flows into an effortless, wide-leg silhouette on these denim culottes.”

We’ve all come to associate “effortless” with “chic,” so maybe our brains are supposed to transpose what our eyes register as “dowdy” into “chic.”

How do the people at Shopbop know that the flow is effortless? Maybe it’s strenuous, or even harrowing?

Help finish the sentence:  “These wide leg coulottes would look great with ______.”

“Don’t deny it, you’re kinda obsessed with this right?? I mean it’s pretty amazing. Real goat hair upper on a gorgeous wood heel takes serious fashion cred to pull off.”

Well, they’ve got our number at Solestruck; are they psychic or what? There’s no use denying that we want to pay $229 to look like a crippled goat.   But do we have the cred?

Isn’t there an ogre that hides under the bridge in order to grab the Billy goat? Is the shoe actually an Ogre?

This necklace of horse teeth is sold out and it’s all my fault. I’m enslaved by tumblr and slacking off on my shopping tips. Please don’t be mad. You can’t have the necklace but for a little more money, you can have this:

A bracelet by Martin Margiela that goes around your hand! How clever! Made of brass, it’s a hefty $635… but what is money when it comes to a Statement Piece of jewelry?

Hope is a thing with feathers*….and yet this new style by Jeffrey Campbell evokes a different concept. My first thought was of something throwing up on itself.

Adding a dash of perversity, they call this color “purple” when it doesn’t take a drag queen to know it is pink.

$209, but I’m warning you, it runs narrow.

*

The PERFECT monkey fur jacket.   Now all we need is a _________.

(farfetch.com, $2,195.00)