Godammit, I’m Mad!

Complete this sentence:

“I would wear this fur thing if ______________”

(Shopbop $396)

The only good thing about buying expensive shit is that you can sometimes recoup some of your wasted money on ebay.

Look at this Kate Moss ‘Groupie Coat!’ Why did I buy it from Topshop? Because I’m stupid, that’s why. I imagined myself as a 20 year old living in a cold climate, walking around like a big Yeti, looking insanely rad. Now, it’s on ebay.

Why did I buy this Marc Jacobs sequin thing? Because I’m so stupid that I must have pictured myself going somewhere and impressing people with my glam fashion sense. I haven’t worn it once, just like the Groupie Coat. A complete waste of time and money. For sale on ebay.

Ooh, what about these Paul Smith “Kings” biker boots. Wearing them would prove how moto, how tough-chic and just plain killing it I am. So what that I already had a million pairs of biker boots. Soon to be on ebay, and I’ll only get a fraction of the purchase price.

I have been out of work for nearly a year. What I’ve learned is that I am a big idiot who spent money as fast as I could, because I’d never made so much of it.  Every story I wrote brought me $500, so a pair of boots equalled only one story.  I forgot to worry about the future, or the people starving in Africa. My shame and my unpaid bills aren’t punishment enough for being so stupid.

However. While at ebay, I treated my self to a look at Mom’s recent purchases, and I was reassured to find that, yes, someone else is stupid, too! Join me in weighing up the stupidity.

This massive anchor pendent was $295 plus shipping. Gargantuan, isn’t it? I think size is key, for Mom. At least it isn’t a monkey or cockroach.

Now we’re talking! Pre-owned Prada open-toed boots, just $199 plus shipping. Are these for Sea or Mom? Would they wear these if they didn’t say “Prada?” I’m already feeling a little less stupid, but what do I know.

Another bold statement piece of junk jewelry for Mom, $85 plus shipping. Nice and big, even “glitzy” I would say. There are many, many more acquisitions of this nature that you can look for at Mom’s shop or perhaps adorning herself or Sea.

The thing about shopping and hoarding is that it distracts one from the void, from oneself, from the horror of the human condition but in the end it fools no one. In the end, you’re just an idiot with too much crap that no one wants, not even you.

But at least my crap is good crap.

Sea looks disappointed after her loss in the Shirley Temple Look-alike Competition. Even the red tutu isn’t enough to cheer her up.

But later, this effortlessly chic outfit brought a smile to her face.

She loves her new Givenchy shoes from “this  season.” Can somebody please price them??

She has also acquired some hideous jewelry a la Mom, who is busy decorating their crib like a Las Vegas brothel. I think they’re planning a trip to Florence. If so, I hope Ronnie comes along to help find a cat cafe.

Sea won’t publish your comments, you fucking philistines, but I will. Me first:

Dear Sea, Lose the 80’s look if you want to maintain your influence. Most young girls don’t want to look like a middle-aged extra in Dynasty. Say hi to Carol! Love, SW

Order now from here.  Or just scream “EEOOW!”

via

Thank you Sea and Mom! You have given me the will to go on tonight!

Sea is wearing some stupid outfit from her high school production of “Robin Hood”, but she’s pretending it’s some avant garde Japanese designer. Haha, nice try, Sea.

Forget Sea, just LOOK at that background! Mom has had their house redecorated and behold the horror! I feel like it’s Christmas morning. Lucite modernist crap, tiger-skin rug, bronze bust, mirrored lamp a al Horchow Catalogue…it’s all good.

No doubt this fancy crib will be featured in the Dallas Daily Bugle or whatever their local paper is. But look, you’re in on it first. Mom will post tons of photos and her disciples will all go, “Oh god, it’s to die for! bla bla bla!”

Don’t leave your comments to Jane because this is not a Comments for Jane™ post. This is a Kudos to Mom™ post instead. I will go first:

Kudos to you, Mom! That’s one crazyass pad you got there. Did you snag some of that on eBay or did you just curate it? Could you buy me a new couch? My piece of shit from Ikea has fallen apart and now I’m too embarrassed to entertain. (Just kidding about the entertaining, not the couch!) Anyway, what an eye you have! You totally rock, love xoSW

The Pageant by Zigi Shoes for $114.

The Talon Heel by Nicholas Kirkwood for Rodarte, $1,865

I guess that’s why a woman can’t be President.

From Shopbop.

I’m aware that the shoe brand Irregular Choice has its fans but surely this specimen is unforgivable.  Take a moment to ponder the insults going on here. For some reason, the open toe strikes me as the last straw.

I’m sad that the site selling this shoe doesn’t engage in descriptive language.  I can’t begin to imagine what anyone could say.  “Rats chewed the heel off this plucky little oxford and we patched the front with Grandma’s curtains!”

I can’t do it. Is anyone up to the challenge?

What the hell is up with Sass & Bide?

This skirt is just baffling.  Shopbop, naturally, $265.  Add Goony Bird and it’s a complete nightmare.

Can anyone explain?

This chino skirt would look great with ______________________.