Posts Tagged ‘hideous crap’

Just No.

Friday, April 17th, 2015

boombox bag

No. No no no no no.

Make a bag shaped like a boombox if you must, Moschino, but not this big. Is the joke, ‘Haha, you can’t even get it into a car?’

Or just, ‘Haha, you bought this!’

I like the words ‘spacious’ and ‘roomy’ in the description.

boombag description

At $3,195, there are only 2 left!

Jeremy Scott must think he’s Andy Warhol. Can someone fire this cunt?

 

Hideous Denim Is My Life

Wednesday, March 25th, 2015

Shredded Dad PantsWhen I see something this awful, I almost feel it was put online just for me. Who else would get a thrill from such unmitigated stupidity?

These jeans are called ‘Shredded Dad Pants,’ available from Opening Ceremony for $600. Try explaining why anyone would wear them, let alone pay six hundred bucks to own them. To get attention? To enjoy a private joke with yourself? To signal another wealthy trust-fund kid that you know where to shop?

I have no fucking idea. Whereas, this pair below has the clear appeal of its name – ‘Cobain Dundees Jeans.’

cobainjeansCall anything ‘Cobain’ and it’s a winner. Kurt is powerless to intervene.

These are only $136, and offer a nice comfy elastic waistband AND elastic cuffs.

Maybe the Shredded Dads for evening and the Cobains for everyday errands?

Hideous Denim For 2015

Tuesday, January 20th, 2015

denim MM6 Maison Martin Margiela-395

Why is denim so easy to fuck up?

2015 is shaping up to be a ghastly landscape of super ugly denim, in either a misguided nod to normcore or just an expression of creative bankruptcy.

Ugly denim pieces are available at all price points (and note that I am saying ‘price points’ with a sneer.) I’m especially pleased by the really expensive shit, and I pray that idiots everywhere will shell out the big bucks to look like a tragic loser from the 80’s.

I’m talking to you, Taylor Swift!

The monstrosity above is a pair of jeans by Maison Martin Margiela, 395 dollars worth of unflattering ugliness. The high waist, the pale wash, the buttons, I’m going to say a full ten on a one to ten hideousness scale.

Here’s a jacket by Viktor and Rolf, priced right at $995.

denim victor and rolph jacket 995

I think it would be great for Angelina Jolie, don’t you? It’s dowdy, minimalist. and designed to underscore one’s contempt for trends and color.

Now, these winners by One Teaspoon are a solid 9:

denim one teaspoon trashed freebird-139

You’re wondering why they didn’t score a ten, and here’s why: I’m saving it for this sublime eyesore, also by One Teaspoon.

denim one teaspoon-139

Right? Does it get any better than this? And only $139!

Now, midi skirts are inherently awful but this one by Steve and Yoni is pretty damn special:

denim distressed midi skirt steve and yoni-315

What a work of art! $315 for all these design features…the pleated waist, the inverted front pleat, the distressed holes, oh my god, I just noticed the shit on the side. Are they buttons or snaps? I swear I just saw them. Wow.

Okay. Remember Alexa Chung? Here’s a dress she designed for AG Jeans.

denim alexa chung dress-230

Nice. It’s $230 for that icky cheap looking fabric. The elasticized ruffle: Priceless.

Finally, because I’m tired, just one more. A denim dress by Club Monaco.

denim dress club monoco-198

Try not to get sidetracked by her emaciated thighs. Instead, marvel at how someone in 2015 will race to buy this pointless, drab, unflattering piece of shit for $198.

The Solace Of The World’s Ugliest Jeans

Saturday, August 16th, 2014

I’m watching the life feed from Ferguson tonight, like I did last night.

Ebola is “vastly” worse than reported. tribal slaughter in Iraq and Syria, Israel vs Gaza,  Nigeria kidnappings, drones on Yemen, Robin Williams.

Let us look to these jeans for salvation. They are the ugliest jeans I’ve ever seen in my whole life, I’m pretty sure. There is something magnificent in such ugliness, you can feel the artistic striving for an indelible statement. A statement that transcends all the horror of current events.

ugliest jeans ever

These long-rise One Teaspoon pants have an exaggerated, slouchy fit. Heavy fading adds lived-in charm. Hidden elastic bands cinch the waist and ankles.

Right?

ugliest jeans ever rear

And with open-toe stiletto heeled booties, no less.

Whenever you find yourself filled with existential dread or sorrow, look at these jeans. That is my RX for mankind this evening.

Gucci Brings It

Saturday, July 12th, 2014

GUCCI Striped shearling and goat hair jacket

But why? Just tell me why!  Look, just two of these monstrosities left.

GUCCI one left

Shearling and goat hair, I can practically smell it.

I predict the era of Eurotrash and disco coming back in full force, as if to say “I’ll show you, normcore!” We’ll all need a safe place to hide if this jacket is an indication of the horror to come.

gucci 3

Jacket Quilted Shoulder Bag: No Fucking Way

Thursday, June 26th, 2014

hideous-moshino-bag
This handbag by Moschino makes me want to cry.

Why did god let this happen? I don’t even care about the $3,400 price. I wouldn’t buy it for fifty bucks.

hideous-moschino-bag 2

I really feel I deserve some kind of explanation.

Who can finish this sentence?

A bag that looks like a jacket is good because _____.

Breaking up with Vivienne Westwood

Thursday, March 27th, 2014

Viv Westwood snail broochimproved

Quintessentially English, the Snail Bracelet, delicately produced from a real snail shell, beautifully creates the suggestion of back gardens after the summer rain. – See more at: http://www.viviennewestwood.co.uk/shop/jewellery/bracelets/snail-bracelet-19425#sthash.gy1EXbN2.dpuf
Quintessentially English, the Snail Bracelet, delicately produced from a real snail shell, beautifully creates the suggestion of back gardens after the summer rain. – See more at: http://www.viviennewestwood.co.uk/shop/jewellery/bracelets/snail-bracelet-19425#sthash.gy1EXbN2.dpuf

“Quintessentially English, the snail brooch, delicately produced from a real snail shell, beautifully creates the suggestion of back gardens after a summer rain.”

No thank you, Viv.  Over and out.

Please Miu Miu, as if.

Monday, February 10th, 2014

Miu Miu denim jacket 5325

 

Will you look at this atrocity – WHY, Miu Miu?

This jacket reminds me of everything awful about the 80’s, and actually makes me want to throw up.  What is more sickening that a cropped denim jacket with dropped shoulders?? Wait, I know: a cropped denim jacket with dropped shoulders and a shitload of Bedazzling.

If you think that a denim jacket priced at $5,325 must offer some exquisite hand-sewn detail,  here is a close-up to divest you of that illusion:

Miu Miu denim jacket close-up

 

Ugh!

This is just a crime against humanity. And brace yourself: it’s sold out.

The Apotheosis of Hideous Fur Coats

Thursday, October 24th, 2013

pucci coat

 

Emilio Pucci – Printed calf hair, goat and fox coat, $21,750

Editor’s Notes:

“This printed calf hair coat was one of the final looks of Emilio Pucci’s fall runway. Trimmed with fox and goat hair, this coverup is accented with strips of leather and suede. Accentuate the stud embellishments with silver jewelry.”

Eeoooow! Look how they can’t even bring themselves to call it a “coat.” It’s a “coverup.” How could this thing be more horrible?  I really think Pucci has nailed it.

~

On the other hand, I actually like this one:

Robert Cavalli coat

 

Roberto Cavalli – dyed fox and raccoon coat, $17,860

I could never wear a garment made from dead things that might be in my back yard; raccoon fur might as well be possum or rat as far as I’m concerned.

But at least it’s fluffy and colorful, evoking groupies and hookers and fun-loving Eurotrash.

What do you think? Hate them both? Hate me? Weigh in.

Your Go-to Boots for Fall

Tuesday, August 27th, 2013

Philip Lim peeptoe

These boots by Philip Lim are my first choice.  Not only do they look like a boot giving birth to another boot (or a parasitic twin) but they have an open-toe, convenient for testing the weather.

Philip Lim issa

Plus, they sag nicely in the back.  $850.00

Fendi bootie

These Fendi booties are obviously a no-brainer. Versatile, practical, what’s not to like? $1,700.00

Christian Louboutin ankle boot

 

Finally, I know these are the tiniest bit flashy, but these Christian Louboutin booties are so fierce, right? You could easily be mistaken for a real biker or punk, and how cool is that?  $1,995.000