Posts Tagged ‘hideous crap’

Want To Look Like a Rhinoceros?

Friday, April 15th, 2016

rhino shoe junya 974

Well me neither, but that’s just us. What do we know? We’re so basic.

rhino shoe 2

Spending $974 would be a small price to pay for broadcasting to the world that we are edgy, daring and hostile.

Actually, if you’re following fashion as neurotically as I do, you’ll know that all anyone cares about right now is the perfect low-top white sneaker. You have to get a very special kind that’s so Nothing, you can’t figure out why it costs $395 or $695, depending on whether it’s Common Projects or Raf Simons.

You will wear your perfect white sneakers with your shapeless minimalist shroud by The Row, or your cropped flare jeans by Frame or Mother that hit your leg at just the right part of your calf to look especially, calculatedly, awkward. And you’ll be carrying a nondescript handbag by Mansur Gavriel.

Or, you can just wear some oversized streetwear by Vetements that only other idiots will recognize, because Kanye.

Fashion is so monumentally irritating!

How do fashion bloggers and magazine editors keep up their enthusiasm? Fashion is so loaded with class signifiers and mindless imitation and sweatshop slavery. You can’t set your own trend unless you’re Rihanna. Everybody tries to wear what everybody is wearing, because otherwise you’ll look like a know-nothing who can’t keep up or afford to emulate a Rhinoceros.

Right now, I’m wearing a pair of black cords by Paige Jeans and a silk shirt by Equipment. You won’t know how cool I am unless you read a lot of fashion shit, but trust me. I got them at Salvation Army or Goodwill, which only shows how devoted I am to my coolness and label-whoring.

Now, if all this means nothing to you, I salute you! You’re my fucking hero.

And I offer you these banana shoes by Dolce & Gabbana, priced to sell at a reasonable $1,745.

banana shoes 1745

 

What Is It With You People?

Wednesday, April 6th, 2016

Vladimir Clavijo Telepnev tears

I go to all the trouble to create a website called Hideous Denim, and what do I get?

Nothing.

You people are obviously too lazy to go over there and enjoy my expertly curated collection of the most hideous, fucked up denim monstrosities ever to blight this earth. It’s just laziness, because I know that in your hearts, you want to see ugly denim.

So guess what, you’re going to see some right now, because that’s how nice I am, and because I’ve lived a whole life of not being able to get people to cooperate with me.

bandana denim jeans

Here are the Bandana Jeans brought to you by provocateur Nazir Mazhar, a street-wear designer who expects you to pay $715.78 for the discomfort and humiliation. Look at the rear view:

bandana rear view

Three is only one pair left, size medium.

But don’t worry because this:

hideous junya jacket and skirt

Now this is just perfect on so many levels. Junya Watanabe signifies your appreciation of Japanese design, while breaking your bank account and making you look like a nutcase. I am sad to report that this outfit has sold out, but behold the skirt.

hideous junya skirt

Can you imagine anything more unflattering? So gorgeous! The real job of hideous denim is to mock the consumer on all levels. I’d say this Junya outfit is a ten out of ten.

What about something really, really stupid and embarrassingly twee, like a denim romper?

denim valentino playsuit 2490

Excuse me, it’s a playsuit, of course. And fairly priced at $2,490. How to wear it, you’re wondering as you hunt for your credit card? Read on.

denim valentino playsuit text

Not only playful, but DARLING! I fucking love this text. Hideous denim is even more rewarding when the text lives up to the fraudulence of the piece itself.

We are living in some rough times, aren’t we? I mean, we’re not eating dirt in Calcutta but we are fighting off existential dread from morning to night, watching our Netflix shows and compulsively checking our devices, waiting for the seas to rise or some maniac to shoot us or be elected President.

We deserve some relief, and that’s why god created all this awful hideous denim, even though he’s away from his desk.

So please enjoy.

 

 

 

Let’s Not Forget Shoes

Saturday, March 5th, 2016

gucci spiked sneaker

It’s been quite a while since a pair of shoes stopped me in my tracks, so I’m feeling a real sense of occasion tonight.

Will you just look at this fucking shoe? And Gucci managed to capture the horror by calling it the Titan Spiked Glitter Web Sneaker.

It feels like multitasking just to behold it…there is so much to take in and it’s all so conflicting.

It’s a sneaker! It’s  weapon! It’s a ballet shoe! It’s from Mars!

At $695, it is sold out in every size except 40, so if you’re a US size 10, this is your moment.

Here’s a review from a satisfied customer:

Love them…almost feels like a shoe more than a sneakers…so I can dress them up or down.

Haha, that is so nuts, right? How could you dress them up, and how could you dress them down? Those concepts don’t even apply.

gucci spiked sneaker 2

Okay, that’s it. Go back to what you were doing and let me know if you see any fashion this momentous.

The Gucci Dead Animal Shoe, $15,000

Wednesday, October 14th, 2015

gucci shoe 15,000A sharp-eyed reader sent me to this shoe, which looks like it’s trying to run away.

Run, Gucci goat-hair slipper, run as fast as you can!

You know what, the poor thing is dead. Too late.

[These} slippers are one of the most talked-about designs from Alessandro Michele’s debut runway collection. They’re finished with the label’s signature gold horsebit, nestled in the floor-sweeping honey-colored strands that also line the shoe.

The floor-sweeping honey-colored strands of a dead goat is what I see here but let’s try another view.

gucci shoes ew

Now, with feet inside, you can see how these little critters will keep you company all day long, with floaty dresses as well as casual jeans, according to the editor’s styling tips. If they start to get smelly, just blame the goats. If your friends and associates don’t gasp in envy at your edgy taxidermy-driven style, you can show them your receipt for $15,000 and say. “Now what, bitch?”

Sadly, that figure is Hong Kong dollars, so in fact the price is a bargain at only around $1,900 USD.

In France or Russia, these shoes might have sparked a revolution. Here in the US, we just roll our eyes and go off to bed with murder in our hearts.

Just No.

Friday, April 17th, 2015

boombox bag

No. No no no no no.

Make a bag shaped like a boombox if you must, Moschino, but not this big. Is the joke, ‘Haha, you can’t even get it into a car?’

Or just, ‘Haha, you bought this!’

I like the words ‘spacious’ and ‘roomy’ in the description.

boombag description

At $3,195, there are only 2 left!

Jeremy Scott must think he’s Andy Warhol. Can someone fire this cunt?

 

Hideous Denim Is My Life

Wednesday, March 25th, 2015

Shredded Dad PantsWhen I see something this awful, I almost feel it was put online just for me. Who else would get a thrill from such unmitigated stupidity?

These jeans are called ‘Shredded Dad Pants,’ available from Opening Ceremony for $600. Try explaining why anyone would wear them, let alone pay six hundred bucks to own them. To get attention? To enjoy a private joke with yourself? To signal another wealthy trust-fund kid that you know where to shop?

I have no fucking idea. Whereas, this pair below has the clear appeal of its name – ‘Cobain Dundees Jeans.’

cobainjeansCall anything ‘Cobain’ and it’s a winner. Kurt is powerless to intervene.

These are only $136, and offer a nice comfy elastic waistband AND elastic cuffs.

Maybe the Shredded Dads for evening and the Cobains for everyday errands?

Hideous Denim For 2015

Tuesday, January 20th, 2015

denim MM6 Maison Martin Margiela-395

Why is denim so easy to fuck up?

2015 is shaping up to be a ghastly landscape of super ugly denim, in either a misguided nod to normcore or just an expression of creative bankruptcy.

Ugly denim pieces are available at all price points (and note that I am saying ‘price points’ with a sneer.) I’m especially pleased by the really expensive shit, and I pray that idiots everywhere will shell out the big bucks to look like a tragic loser from the 80’s.

I’m talking to you, Taylor Swift!

The monstrosity above is a pair of jeans by Maison Martin Margiela, 395 dollars worth of unflattering ugliness. The high waist, the pale wash, the buttons, I’m going to say a full ten on a one to ten hideousness scale.

Here’s a jacket by Viktor and Rolf, priced right at $995.

denim victor and rolph jacket 995

I think it would be great for Angelina Jolie, don’t you? It’s dowdy, minimalist. and designed to underscore one’s contempt for trends and color.

Now, these winners by One Teaspoon are a solid 9:

denim one teaspoon trashed freebird-139

You’re wondering why they didn’t score a ten, and here’s why: I’m saving it for this sublime eyesore, also by One Teaspoon.

denim one teaspoon-139

Right? Does it get any better than this? And only $139!

Now, midi skirts are inherently awful but this one by Steve and Yoni is pretty damn special:

denim distressed midi skirt steve and yoni-315

What a work of art! $315 for all these design features…the pleated waist, the inverted front pleat, the distressed holes, oh my god, I just noticed the shit on the side. Are they buttons or snaps? I swear I just saw them. Wow.

Okay. Remember Alexa Chung? Here’s a dress she designed for AG Jeans.

denim alexa chung dress-230

Nice. It’s $230 for that icky cheap looking fabric. The elasticized ruffle: Priceless.

Finally, because I’m tired, just one more. A denim dress by Club Monaco.

denim dress club monoco-198

Try not to get sidetracked by her emaciated thighs. Instead, marvel at how someone in 2015 will race to buy this pointless, drab, unflattering piece of shit for $198.

The Solace Of The World’s Ugliest Jeans

Saturday, August 16th, 2014

I’m watching the life feed from Ferguson tonight, like I did last night.

Ebola is “vastly” worse than reported. tribal slaughter in Iraq and Syria, Israel vs Gaza,  Nigeria kidnappings, drones on Yemen, Robin Williams.

Let us look to these jeans for salvation. They are the ugliest jeans I’ve ever seen in my whole life, I’m pretty sure. There is something magnificent in such ugliness, you can feel the artistic striving for an indelible statement. A statement that transcends all the horror of current events.

ugliest jeans ever

These long-rise One Teaspoon pants have an exaggerated, slouchy fit. Heavy fading adds lived-in charm. Hidden elastic bands cinch the waist and ankles.

Right?

ugliest jeans ever rear

And with open-toe stiletto heeled booties, no less.

Whenever you find yourself filled with existential dread or sorrow, look at these jeans. That is my RX for mankind this evening.

Gucci Brings It

Saturday, July 12th, 2014

GUCCI Striped shearling and goat hair jacket

But why? Just tell me why!  Look, just two of these monstrosities left.

GUCCI one left

Shearling and goat hair, I can practically smell it.

I predict the era of Eurotrash and disco coming back in full force, as if to say “I’ll show you, normcore!” We’ll all need a safe place to hide if this jacket is an indication of the horror to come.

gucci 3

Jacket Quilted Shoulder Bag: No Fucking Way

Thursday, June 26th, 2014

hideous-moshino-bag
This handbag by Moschino makes me want to cry.

Why did god let this happen? I don’t even care about the $3,400 price. I wouldn’t buy it for fifty bucks.

hideous-moschino-bag 2

I really feel I deserve some kind of explanation.

Who can finish this sentence?

A bag that looks like a jacket is good because _____.