Posts Tagged ‘Jennifer Aniston’

Angelina to Jen: Just Kill Yourself!

Wednesday, May 20th, 2009

angie at cannes 2009

Each time I see a picture like this, I can feel Jen dying a tiny death, like an oragasm in reverse.   Even this close to death from starvation, Angelina is breathtaking.

Swathed in nude chiffon, lips emitting a flourescent glare equal to ten thousand scarlet bordello lanterns, Angelina is a vision from another planet.   She is absinthe to Jen’s glass of milk.

Poor Jen! Imagine the whole world wondering why you don’t kill yourself? Having to constantly protest that you’re fine, you’re great, you couldn’t be happier?

Angelina is rubbing it in. God bless her.

John Mayer, Thy Name is Douche

Wednesday, August 20th, 2008

I know that in the grand scheme of things, celebrities don’t matter, but once in a while they intrude upon my thoughts and sicken me more than a hideous display of fringed boots at Nordstrom.

John Mayer is not just an ugly face or a mediocre musician, he’s now proved him self to be an unforgivable cad. If you’re above watching trash TV, you may not know that John Mayer stood on a New York street corner to tell some paparazzi why he broke up with Jennifer Aniston. He repeated the phrase “I ended it because” several times. He needed to make sure that the world knows he is the dumper, and Jennifer Aniston is the dumpee. His insistent praise of her (“She is the loveliest person! The most sophisticated person!”) were just more knives in her back. The unspoken clause is obviously, “but I still don’t want a relationship with her.”

John, didn’t anyone ever teach you some manners? What an egotistical fucking douche! After all the nosejobs she’s had, doesn’t Jen deserve better?! Does she need to hack off the entire nose?!?!

All one can do is wait patiently for the tabloids to plot Jennifer’s next move. It will be one of the following:

1. “Jen turns to Brad for consolation!”
2. “Jen is furious, because SHE’S the one who ended it!”
3. “Jen bounces back by dating the hunky [fill in name here."]

After winning the title of “Most Publicly Humiliated Woman in the World” from Hilary Clinton, Jennifer Aniston merits a place on the Democratic ticket or at least a decent boyfriend who’ll stick around and keep his mouth shut.