Godammit, I’m Mad!

I didn’t see the whole show but so what, I’m still doing the Exegesis.

The best thing this year was Kanye West fucking up Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech. Yes, it was rude, and why not? Taylor Swift is a godawful singer and has made me sick ever since the knowledge of her existence was thrust upon me during an episode of Saturday Night Live. A tall giraffe of a girl with stupid ringlets and inappropriate lipstick, she bleats out her songs in a strained voice that makes my throat constrict in sympathy while wielding an over-sized guitar and playing up to the pederasts in the audience by kneeling down on the floor and flipping her head around.

Yay for Kanye West! He loves to make a scene at awards shows, and he couldn’t have picked a better victim to mess with. Ever since he told the American people on live TV that George Bush doesn’t care about black people, Kanye has been my hero.  Tonight, he won my appreciation for making that big awful girl shut the hell up.

Beyonce’s performance was fantastic. Her legs were bigger than ever, in her never-ending tribute to My Little Pony. Pink was especially androgynous as she demonstrated her acrobatic prowess during a torch song about a bad relationship. Her boob was out but covered by a nice pasty.

Jay Z performed a rap song while his pants fell down, and Alicia Keyes appeared to understand why he is a star, much to my confusion. When I remarked to my husband that Alicia is gay, he snapped at me, even though it’s not my fault.

Lady Gaga looked ridiculous and thanked “the gays.” Do they like to be called The Gays? You would think she has learned the protocol by now.

Let’s see, what else? Green Day was embarrassing, Janet Jackson looked fierce, and Russel Brand feels no shame about his shapeless flabby arms, which he flailed around to no good effect.

That’s all I remember. Let me know if I forgot anything important.

The Grammy Awards show was all about Amy Winehouse, but here’s what else happened.

Frank Sinatra, who won’t stay dead, talked about the awards and then joined Alicia Keyes in a duet. Alicia looked gorgeous, even though her hairdo was crazy. That Rihanna girl pranced around with Morris Day and his band, who were probably too old for anyone to remember them except for their buddy Prince. Prince looked fabulous in a fitted red suit and dark sunglasses with diamante accents.

Some idiot introduced Tina Turner as the Queen of Soul. Girl! Everyone knows that’s Aretha’s title. Anyway, Tina looked a little scary in a silver lame jumpsuit but she still knew how to move. Beyonce joined her,  wearing a silver mini that highlighted her enormous legs. Her shorter blonde hair and new face were not enough to erase the My Pretty Pony effect.

I think John Mayer came out and accompanied someone on guitar, although I may be thinking of the David Letterman show. All you can think about when John Mayer appears is “Eeoow!” anyway.

Kanye sang his big hit and I know I wasn’t alone in thinking, what about your Mama? Sure enough, he had the word MAMA carved into his hair. I asked my teenager if he would do the same for me, were I to die before he accepted his Grammy award. He argued over some technicalities but I believe we have a deal.

Tom Hanks gave some award to the Beatles. Paul couldn’t be there, because he can’t just give Heather the money and call it a day. The always excruciating Cirque du Soleil performed a creepy routine to Day in the Life. If only that girl had fallen off the rope! Heather could have helped out with a new leg.

Aretha sang, accompanied by a gospel choir, a mountainous vision in a sea green dress. Be as fat as you want, Aretha, you are the Queen.

Two guys sang an aria or something, and the Foo Fighters had lank, greasy hair. Finally, the live by satellite performance by Amy Winehouse, in London. Amy looked gorgeous but very nervous. She rushed through two songs, screwing up a few times and wiggling her hips in obvious terror. Her desperation to prove herself was touching, just like her shock at winning the award. She sent out her thanks to “My Blake, incarcerated” and hugged her tiny haggard Mum.

Then the Album of the Year was mistakenly given to Herbie Hancock, who played the race card as he accepted the honor that rightly belonged to My Amy, not in rehab.