Godammit, I’m Mad!

I think I’m seeing a trend here…..

I was asked by the blond babe known as Rackk and Ruin what clothes I do like, so I looked through the images I’ve kept for inspiration (i.e., to make me feel sorry for myself.)

These two photos were styled by DisneyRollergirl for Reiss, and they struck me immediately as the way I want to look. Casual, tomboyish, classic with a twist.

This tartan wool biker jacket fits the same criteria. I wasn’t surprised to discover that Susie B actually owns this jacket by J.W. Anderson.

I like this Ruffian look for Fall: Ladylike tomboy with some offbet sexy elements.

I like this look from Sonia Rykeil. It combines my nun fetish with my schoolgirl fetish.

Simple soft black leather. Works with everything. Add a green leather jacket and some python boots, you’re good to go.

Just a great androgynous look I’d like to borrow. Not the hat, duh.

This painted leather jacket is the holy grail if you see it up close.  I’m letting my sister paint one of mine in the same colors and hoping it will work out.

JF and Son are  really on to something that speaks to me. Simple but dramatic,  boyish but sexy.

The shoes make this Louella outfit. Those shoes say, “Fuck you, I have silver winklepickers, bow down to me.”

Finally, just like every sucker, I’d like to imagine myself an Isabel Marant woman, carefree in butch jeans and boots with a casual $3,000 fur coat thrown on as an afterthought.

See? I’m not just about mocking bad fashion. I have my own hopes and dreams of leather, cashmere, Patti Smith, Keith Richard, Catholic schoolgirls, demure nuns and decadent furs.

Suggestions, insults, insincere compliments?

Of course, leather sweatpants, duh, what a no-brainer!

Who would like to try their hand at some Refinery 29 style prose for this…wardrobe essential?

($895 at Shopbop.)

for when you want to spend $445 to look like you’re wearing a bath towel.

by Haute Hippie at Shopbop.

I LOVE the text at Stylebop.com, a high-end shopping site based in Germany.  Maybe it’s the person who does the English translation, or maybe it’s silly in German too.  There is always something to delight. For example:

“no worries, this black leather top looks luxurious, expensive and noble and by no means cheap or slutty”

At $965, I should hope not!

Wasn’t the Nomadic Baglady style-fest the funnest thing ever?! Now, who’s ready to try Clueless Goth?

Clueless Goth is a wonderful category that isn’t as easy as it sounds. Straight-up Goth is not what we’re going for. I’m talking about hipster, mallrat, moto-obsessed neo-crypto-Goth. Torn shit, leather, spikes, fierce rad skull-ridden Luxirare-worshiping badass edgy dark darketty gnarlitude.

Let’s see what you got! The  Shoegirl will kill this but Rosie is not to be underestimated, or Marie either.

Submissions to sisterwolf666@gmail.com

I’ll just take this leather and mesh bodysuit by Hannah Marshall. It’s $960 at Opening Ceremony and they have my size.

I could wear this everywhere, day and night, and look effortlessly cool. Okay, no, but I still want it.

Still suffering from the irrational and inappropriate longing for leather shorts, I was thrilled to find this hideous pair above, by Derek Lam, for $1,450 at Saks.com. It’s always nice when your unwholesome shopping fixation is chipped away by images or associations that ruin the whole idea of whatever it is you think you need.

Look at this atrocity below by YSL, also at Saks, for $1,950.

Horrible, aren’t they?

Here’s a pair by Juicy called “Moto Leather Shorts” that compounds the “Moto” problem with a ruffle at the hem. Yay!

My craving is starting to wane, but it’s still troubling. To make it even more tragic, the Huffington Post featured an article yesterday that asked: “Can Women Over 5o Look Great in Jeans?”

I resent this stupid question on every level. What the fuck does “great” even mean in this context? Do they actually mean “thin?” Maybe women over 50 should just kill themselves rather than be subjected to more critiques of this nature.

How about this: I have a pair of nothing leather pants that I could cut off to make shorts. Is this a viable plan? Or not?

I don’t want a red leather jacket (a miracle!) but when I saw pictures of the Zac Posen for Target stuff, I thought the jacket might be worth looking at.

The only reason I became interested is the name Zac Posen, which connotes luxury.  I know for certain that if this same jacket was by Guess or Free People I wouldn’t give it a moment of consideration.

Not only am I a brand whore, evidently, but I also have irrational biases against certain brands. If I saw the cutest shoes in the entire world but they were by Jessica Simpson, there’s no fucking way I’d buy them. Same for shoes by Coach. Coach shoes just kill me. Their logo just seems tragic somehow.

It’s not because the brands are cheap, either. I couldn’t buy anything by Haute Hippie, and that shit is really expensive. I wouldn’t buy jeans by Current-Elliot or True Religiion, and I don’t even know why! I just resent those brands.

Shopping is full of weird subliminal triggers. For me, it can be the sound of the name or the look of an ad that puts me off a whole brand, permanently.

Do you have an irrational brand bias? Or are you above this kind of shit?

On my mental list of shit I wish I could buy, the most persistent craving is also the most inappropriate: leather shorts.

I can’t think of another fashion purchase that would be more inappropriate, except maybe a romper. (Sorry about the word “romper.”)

No one wants to see Grandma in leather shorts! Even though I’m not anyone’s grandma, I could be. And that alone makes it wrong. It doesn’t matter what kind of legs I have, it’s the mutton dressed as lamb thing. And yet, every time I see a nice pair of leather shorts, I get all excited and start clicking on sizes, as if I might actually buy them. The only person I can think of who should wear leather shorts is Queen Michelle. Otherwise, they are only suitable for prostitutes and Chloe Sevigny.

What is your current most inappropriate fashion craving? Don’t be shy: All confessions will result in immediate absolution!