I’ll just take this leather and mesh bodysuit by Hannah Marshall. It’s $960 at Opening Ceremony and they have my size.
I could wear this everywhere, day and night, and look effortlessly cool. Okay, no, but I still want it.
Still suffering from the irrational and inappropriate longing for leather shorts, I was thrilled to find this hideous pair above, by Derek Lam, for $1,450 at Saks.com. It’s always nice when your unwholesome shopping fixation is chipped away by images or associations that ruin the whole idea of whatever it is you think you need.
Look at this atrocity below by YSL, also at Saks, for $1,950.
Horrible, aren’t they?
Here’s a pair by Juicy called “Moto Leather Shorts” that compounds the “Moto” problem with a ruffle at the hem. Yay!
My craving is starting to wane, but it’s still troubling. To make it even more tragic, the Huffington Post featured an article yesterday that asked: “Can Women Over 5o Look Great in Jeans?”
I resent this stupid question on every level. What the fuck does “great” even mean in this context? Do they actually mean “thin?” Maybe women over 50 should just kill themselves rather than be subjected to more critiques of this nature.
How about this: I have a pair of nothing leather pants that I could cut off to make shorts. Is this a viable plan? Or not?
I don’t want a red leather jacket (a miracle!) but when I saw pictures of the Zac Posen for Target stuff, I thought the jacket might be worth looking at.
The only reason I became interested is the name Zac Posen, which connotes luxury. I know for certain that if this same jacket was by Guess or Free People I wouldn’t give it a moment of consideration.
Not only am I a brand whore, evidently, but I also have irrational biases against certain brands. If I saw the cutest shoes in the entire world but they were by Jessica Simpson, there’s no fucking way I’d buy them. Same for shoes by Coach. Coach shoes just kill me. Their logo just seems tragic somehow.
It’s not because the brands are cheap, either. I couldn’t buy anything by Haute Hippie, and that shit is really expensive. I wouldn’t buy jeans by Current-Elliot or True Religiion, and I don’t even know why! I just resent those brands.
Shopping is full of weird subliminal triggers. For me, it can be the sound of the name or the look of an ad that puts me off a whole brand, permanently.
Do you have an irrational brand bias? Or are you above this kind of shit?
On my mental list of shit I wish I could buy, the most persistent craving is also the most inappropriate: leather shorts.
I can’t think of another fashion purchase that would be more inappropriate, except maybe a romper. (Sorry about the word “romper.”)
No one wants to see Grandma in leather shorts! Even though I’m not anyone’s grandma, I could be. And that alone makes it wrong. It doesn’t matter what kind of legs I have, it’s the mutton dressed as lamb thing. And yet, every time I see a nice pair of leather shorts, I get all excited and start clicking on sizes, as if I might actually buy them. The only person I can think of who should wear leather shorts is Queen Michelle. Otherwise, they are only suitable for prostitutes and Chloe Sevigny.
What is your current most inappropriate fashion craving? Don’t be shy: All confessions will result in immediate absolution!
I plan to avoid any look devised by Alexander Wang, including this disturbing boot. Each time I see it, I feel upset. It looks like a shoe giving birth to another shoe, and that’s not something I want to dwell upon. Or perhaps it’s a bit like a parasitic twin, a subject I actually enjoy but not as portrayed by this shoe.
I will be skipping the long side braid, too. Anyone I come across who has a long braid falling over one shoulder will be instantly assessed as a tragic fashion victim. If you’ve been wearing your hair this way for years, fine. Just carry a dated photo with you.
Alexander Wang says two things to me: Erin Wasson and Rumi. I cannot extract him from these muses or whatever they are. He’s dead to me.
Another trend to avoid is the New Military Look. Not the old Military Look that features the horrible marching band jacket a la Michael Jackson. The NEW Military Look is all about army surplus-looking stuff in olive drab or khaki. How many times must we resort to stupid uniforms? Just wait until you can’t find skinnies* (*sorry!) because they’ve been replaced by cargo pants.
Watch out for the stylized Cat-eye Sunglasses, once again instigated by Alexander Wang and coveted by all the blogger girls. The correct response to a picture of the $325 AW version is “love.” Just the one word. Of course you want a pair, but try to resist. Sure all the kids are doing it, but if Jimmy said to jump off a cliff, would you do that too?
Tribal, digital prints, clogs, what other important trends am I missing? The only one that works for me is Leather, because In Leather is Truth. (Something Something Veritas.)
I believe that Bottega Veneta had me in mind when they designed this suit for fall 2010. If they would now kindly hand it over, I would be eternally grateful.
Inspired by the mom-woman and her what-I-wore pictures, I’ve decided to share my carefully curated collection of Black Jackets. I only had time for five of them. Believe me, this is just the tip of the Black Jacket Iceberg. The jacket above is a leather jacket by Rachel Roy, around 4 years old. Check out the peplum thing in the back.
Here’s a wool motorcycle jacket and notice how I didn’t use “moto” in my description.
Here’s another wool motorcycle jacket that’s kind of quilted and shorter.
This one is a cashmere jacket by Richard Tyler…my very first eBay purchase. It has a beautiful embroidered lining in peach satin.
Here is the Plein Sud jacket that I got at the UCLA Cancer Thrift Shop a few years ago. I once used it to sit on at a Patti Smith concert at the pier, that’s how awesome I am.
Would you like to see some more Black Jackets? There are two more leather ones, two cotton ones, and I’m afraid to remember if there are others.
What the hell is wrong with me? (Oh shit, I just remembered the Ann D. jacket I got from Yoox.com!) How many times do you have to buy the same thing before you feel satisfied, you know what I’m saying?
Or maybe it’s my life’s work to curate Black Jackets? I hope not.
Now tell the class what item you are doomed to keep buying. And if you choose to gush over any of my jackets, please call me “Judy”, just for fun!
I came across this picture of a Nature Girl With Lesbian Stick while browsing at twistedlamb, a blog with a very strong sensibility I’ll call Pagan Hipster. It involves S & M, sexual ambiguity, Goth glamor and a whiff of bestiality. It’s the work of a stylist who manages to find strikingly sinister images that often attract and repel, without just relying on leather and spikes.
When can we call for a moratorium on leather and spikes? It’s like every sex-shop since the beginning of time has spewed its merchandise all over the fashion industry, leaving moto-this and moto-that everywhere. Enough, for godsake! The backlash is bound to be a return to modesty and preppy cleanliness. I think I’m ready for it.
Looking around the fashion blogs, I see how many are basically a collection of images, sometimes punctuated by a collage of “Stuff I Love!” or “Things That Inspire Me!” Kate Moss, Bridgette Bardot, Anita Pallenberg, and Jane Birkin are the usual style muses, then there’s some obscure Death Metal Band or European poet.
I’m more inspired by people like Tragic Fashion Boy, who makes a bold new statement with red (thanks to andrea for the tip!)
For some reason, even though he evokes my maternal instinct, I just can’t imagine being his mother. But in the photo below, I feel he is talking to his mom. Am I right?
Who is he talking to, and what is he saying?
I have a feeling that before too long, we will all be sick of this 82 year old model but for now I am pretty damn impressed. The clothes by Joanna Sykes are genuinely age defying, aren’t they? Silver leather jeans and a nude silk shirt seems like an obvious combination now that Sykes has put them together but I never would have thought of it.
This outfit looks even more beautiful on a more conventional model. What is not to love here?!? If Patti Smith could see this shit, she might even give up her customary black on black. Patti, we are ready for a change, just this once!
I’m often annoyed at myself for getting married in gold leather pants but now I’m thinking it was a good idea after all. This was either 8 or 9 years ago, I can never remember the exact date. If I can hang on until I’m 82, I guess I could wear them with a nude silk shirt, preferably by Joanna Sykes, who is a fucking genius.
The Youngest Wolf surprised me by announcing my birthday from the stage, during his band’s performance at a local music festival. I was presented with this cake that he secretly made at a friend’s house. See why it’s great to have kids?
My husband made me laugh by saying the exact same thing that made me laugh in that other photo! I look kind of like a horrible Alanis Morrisette here, don’t you think?
Killing it in a leather jacket by somebody, t-shirt by someone else, jeans too.
