Godammit, I’m Mad!

I just had an exclusive interview with myself and here’s what I learned:

Everything you read about Katie and Tom‘s divorce is coming directly to you out of someone’s ass! That’s right, and not long ago, it came from mine, too.

As a journalist for several glossy supermarket tabloids, I was able to deliver scoops about Tom and Katie’s personal lives nearly every week, simply by sitting quitely and channeling the two celebrities until I saw the exciting details in my mind’s eye.

I wrote exclusive scoops about Katie’s struggle for autonomy, Tom’s obsession with Brad Pitt, Suri’s nursery, and so much more. If you were a tabloid reader, you accepted these stoires as God’s truth because otherwise it wouldn’t be printed in a magazine! If you are a tabloid reader, or a consumer of celebrity gossip on any level, you are walking around thinking you know something about Brad and Angie, Jennifer Aniston, Madonna, or whoever, but you’re wrong. Nobody knows anything, but we keep making it up until it is common knowledge.

Whenever you see the words “According to a source,” replace them with “I am making this up.” Same with “An insider says,” “A close pal divulges,” and “A member of his/her inner circle reports.”

Of course, some of us journalists are better channelers than others. Once, when I channeled Janet Jackson, it made the crawl on CNN! Another time, I was able to divine what Katie gave Tom for Christmas: He had just completed work on that awful movie about the German war hero, so I thought she should get him “the complete leather-bound works of his favorite author, Goethe.”

Voila! Tom got the Goethe, to the delight of my friend Wendy and my Inner Circle. I had giddy fantasies of linking Jessica Simpson with Schopenhauer. I believe I, I mean Katie, also gave Tom a custom-made iPhone with his name engraved on it. Which is still nothing compared to the custom-made Chanel evening bag I once gave to Victoria Beckham, I mean David gave to her of course.

You can say I was a liar but you can’t fault my generosity.

I can’t take much more of Madge’s provocations. Obviously the UN is helpless, just like with Syria.

Who would think that she’d still be so insistent about bothering us! Has the competition from Lady Gaga driven her out of her mind? Has she forgotten that she’s already showed us everything in that book “Sex?” Does she have any sympathy for her children? Does she even remember that little baby she bought in Malawi?

I need her to go away. I’ve needed this for so many years. There is no escape from her. I thought I had transferred my hatred to Ms. Gaga but no, now she will have to flash her 53 year old nipple if she wants my attention.

It seems like people are going out of their way just to make me mad! That fucking Gwyneth has been working overtime on twitter to get me going. I refuse to give her the satisfaction of responding.

Gwyneth, go ahead and call people Niggas! Keep working on Goop! Make as many country records as you want. I am focusing my wrath on Madge only, and hoping I can manifest a little “accident” for her if I concentrate hard enough.

All other irritants pale next to Madonna but here are some you can add to if you like.

Pierce Piers Morgan
Lana Del Rey
Kristen Stewart
pictures of cats, pizza, and hippies cavorting in the woods
Snow White movies
people who say “Rye rye rye” in agreement, instead of just saying “right,”
diminutive names for Justin Bieber
ostentatious neck tattoos
band names like “Foster the People.”
Mitt and Anne Romney

God it was boring but I must uphold the tradition so here it is:

Johnny Depp has finally jumped the shark, hotness-wise, but Ewan McGregor and Colin Firth were very do-able.

Madonna tried to get back at Ricky Gervaise for making a joke about her, because she’s too important to ridicule. She also forced us to look at her breasts, only to come in second to the magnificant rack of Selma Hyak.

Madge’s arms were painfuly lean, as were Angie‘s and Michelle Pfieffer‘s. Kate Winslet‘s arms were pleasingly healthy, and her young boyfriend glowed as she gave her acceptance speech. Elton John looked furious when he lost to Madonna, Leo looked tired and sad all night, and it was worrisome to see Sasha Baraon Cohen there without Isla.

Jessica Biel must be blowing some important people, because there’s no other reason for her to  present  an award.   Julianne Moore looked pasty but her long green earrings were fabulous. Nicole Kidman wore a breathtaking dress and continued the charade of being  heterosexual  and in love with that dopey country singer.

Angelina was stunning in white silk and billowing red lips. She turned to smile at Brad each time someone said something “funny.” Jane Fonda was glowingly well-preserved and knew enough to cover her arms, but she shot some actress a death glare when the latter stepped on her gown.

There were far too many mermaid dresses. Stop it, actresses! Only Beyonce looks good in them.

Clare Dane was careful to highlight her flat chest, as always. We get it Clare, you like being flat.

Morgan Freeman was eloquent and moving when he accepted his award, as was that French guy whose father won an award in 1965. The French guy was so moving that several actors in the audience mouthed “beautiful” with tears sparking in their eyes. Another French guy was sorry for being French, but no one forgave him.

Michelle Williams looked stupid in her childish headband but was heartbreaking in her ode to her poor fatherless daughter. Kate Beckensale got the giggles on stage and looked as radiantly pretty as when I saw her in Sephora a few weeks ago.

The Worst Dress award in my opinion goes to Piper Perabo, a see-through mess that bunched up in front of her crotch.

If I had to find a theme for this year’s show, I would say it was all about the love between George Clooney and Brad Pitt, two dreamboat humanitarians who clearly relish being so much better than everyone else. When  George  comes out of the closet, the drinks are on me!

It’s easy not to care about looking old when you’re not old.

Later, it’s just a constant struggle to accept the changes in your face, the face that in your mind is eternally 18 or 30 or whenever you liked it best.

Seeing Carine and Madonna look like women in their 50′s is such a comfort! Get old, you two!

I decided to see the difference between a face in repose and a face smiling.

I made the biggest smile my face could do, and voila! I’m genuinely old.

If   you have no expression, you can keep up the illusion of youthfulness.

I am unable to age gracefully because I’m too shallow and preoccupied with appearance. I want everyone to wrinkle up like a prune. The only procedure I would rule out if I were a millionaire is the lip enhancement, because nothing says tragedy like a duckface.

I am waiting patiently for Demi Moore’s face to fall. On the day it does, the drinks are on me!

How do feel you will handle getting old? If you are old, how hard is it for you to combat vanity?

I love it when Madge looks like this. I get a rush of endorphins that’s better than shopping or chocolate! Keep up the good work, girl!

I also love seeing before and after pix of celebrities. But not when they aim to erase their ethnicity.

I prefer Halle Berry in her high school photo. When she was black, and a girl.

What about J Lo? Doesn’t she look like Karla’s Closet in the before photo??!? In the after photo, she looks like she’s half-way to becoming Kate Moss.

Never mind. I’m going back to snicker at Madonna until the high wears off.

I don’t know why a gap between the front teeth is so endearing, but I assume it’s something to do with evoking babies. I can’t resist a gap-toothed smile.   It’s only fair that Johnny Depp got the gappest-toothed woman in the world.

My BFF has a gap, and I’d ask my dentist to give me one if I thought he’d cooperate.

Is Brigitte Bardot the modern prototype, or was there someone before her?? (The Wife of Bath doesn’t count.)

This is a real question.

This is how Madonna dressed her daughter Mercy for a day out in Manhattan, while she herself wore some crap by Ed Hardy. Why does she want her child to look like a fucking lawn jockey?!? I can see that Mercy looks happy, but this get-up is so disturbing.

Is it me? Or what?

Demi Moore has a lawyer and she’s not afraid to use him. She is threatening to sue the Internet for daring to accuse her of being photoshopped on the cover of W magazine. You can read her lawyer’s letter here.

Why does this woman get to be such an idiot?! Why doesn’t she have something better to do? Why are rich people so fucking delusional?

I’m sick of this bitch. I’m tired of her face, her child husband and her bad movies. I’m suing her ass.

Dear Mr Singer,

My client, Myself, is putting you on notice that unless your client, Ms. Moore, stops being a public nuisance, we will see you in court. My client has a right under the US Constitution to ‘the pursuit of happiness,’ which cannot be conducted under the present circumstances vis a vis Ms. Moore.

My client would like an apology from Ms. Moore for the continuing abuse of her celebrity. My client asks that Ms. Moore and that idiot she married stop tweeting, and tweeting about tweeting. They both need to go away and attend to the three daughters with the awful names and disfigured faces. They need to just shut the hell up, frankly, in order to restore my client’s relative serenity.

I really believe Demi Moore owes me an apology, along with Madonna, of course, who will have to kill herself on pay-per-view to make restitution for my pain and suffering.

Who owes you an apology?

Madonna was not put here on Earth just to annoy us, it turns out.   We can learn from her, if only we open our hearts and minds.

Look at the photo above. Really look. Are you receiving Her message? Madonna is teaching us, at her own great expense, that grueling daily workouts are a waste of time after a certain age. Your lean muscular arms will terrify, rather than please. Put down the weights and get some ice cream, She is saying. Turn on the TV, spend some time with the kids, let your body do what bodies do as they age.

Her secondary message is, of course, the more you fatten up your face, the scarier you will look. Let’s thank her for sacrificing her facial contours to drive this lesson home. Thanks, Madge!

In this photo, Madonna is leaving a hospital in Marseilles after making a special trip there to comfort the workers who were injured while building a stage for her concert.

Click on the picture to ge the full impact. Now, what is she trying to teach us?

If you answered, She’s teaching the value of a photo op, even in times of human tragedy, no, you are being too hasty and judgmental. Think harder.

Madonna is saying, Black is serious, but it can still be fun! You can pretend to be mourning, but you can still choose some avant-garde menswear vest and some fierce high heels. You can say you’re devastated, but why just throw something on to meet a grieving widow? Work it!

I for one feel a new tenderness towards Madge. She only wants to help. She even apologized to me personally when she announced during her concert in Undine, Italy: “I feel so devastated to be in any way associated with anyone’s suffering.”

Why, thank you, Madonna! I appreciate your concern, just don’t do it again.