Godammit, I’m Mad!

One day last week, I had the clever idea of paraphrasing Shakespeare with a post called “First we kill  all the something,”  But now I’ve forgotten what the Something was.

You’d think if I really hated it, I would remember it but you wouldn’t be factoring in my severe memory problems. I’m hoping someone can remind me what the Something is, and presumably it is a group.

Going through my brain’s rolodex of hated things, I have already ruled out:

Republicans
Christian fundamentalists
Fashion bloggers
The members of Cream
The members of Steely Dan
People who say “Everything happens for a reason”
Child molesters
Racists
TV chefs

Godammit, what am I leaving out? This is really bothering me! Please help, if you can.

~

*(My husband just responded to my question with “It’s too big a category for you.”)

Reading the New York Times online, I just got sidetracked by a link that said: “Worried about your memory? 5 Signs   it’s Serious.”

As it happens, I have no short-term memory and little of the other kind either. People are constantly mad at me for forgetting things I’m supposed to remember.   They point out that I’ve told the same story twice, and that I’ve already seen a movie I have no recollection of. The signs are all there.

But memory problems are also common in people with PTSD, fibromyalgia, and a couple of other conditions that apply to me but I forgot what they are. I’m not joking here, either.

So, I’m reading this list of warning signs and going Yep, yep, I have  Alzheimer’s, I’m screwed, when I get to number 5, Having Trouble With Choices, and I come upon this quote:

“If you used to be a definitive person and now you can’t work your way through choices, that’s a red flag,” psychiatrist Ken Robbins says. “Choosing involves enough cognitive powers — remembering what you like, thinking about how the options differ, and thinking about what you want now — that it’s a problem that shows up early on.”

DEFINITIVE?!?!? What the fuck?! That bastard means “decisive” and he used  the  wrong word! They’re not  interchangeable, Dr. Ken Robbins, Moron Esq.! English, motherfucker! Do you speak it? Where is the fucking editor??

I’m trying to calm down. But it’s hard. And now I can see my future: I will be hopelessly bereft of all memory, including my own name, rank and serial number, but I’ll be flipping out about word usage with my last dying breath.

My friend Heidi challenged me to compile a list of 50 bands I’ve seen. I balked at first, thinking No way, I haven’t even seen 50 different bands. I’ve seen some bands 10 times, but you can only list each band one time.

I decided to try it, and it was murderously hard. At #37, I was already scraping the bottom of my memory bank.   My teenager came home and I complained about my list. He decided to start making his own list.   He was up to 50 in a couple of minutes. I finally got to 50, by remembering an obscure punk band I’d seen as an opening act. My son stopped at 80.

My husband came home and took the challenge, saying he’d just list the 50 most famous bands he’d seen. When I read his list, I realized that I’d forgotten to list Prince!!!! It was such a big deal at the time, and yet I’d completely forgotten it. Shit! I also forgot the Pretenders, Iron Maiden and Willie Nelson.

Take the challenge! It’s a great way to test your memory and in the process retrieve some forgotten moments. Or not, if your memory is as screwed as mine is.