All my devoted trolls are demanding that I go away and mourn. But the problem is, there’s no way to implement this. Mourning isn’t a thing you do in a black dress. Maybe they want me to spend all day at a cemetery. But it doesn’t matter where I am, it’s all the same barren place, a place I’d rather not be.

I am going through the motions, because that’s all I know how to do. I could take to my bed and never get up again. I’m not ruling that out. It just seems unfair to my family. I don’t know how to have a nervous breakdown or I’d gladly have one.

I don’t want to “recover” because mothers who bounce back after the death of a child seem despicable. How could anyone “move forward” after this? What would be the point?

I don’t know what to do besides cry or distract myself.  I’m still waiting for him to come back. When he does, I’ll try not to scold him for putting us through this. Meanwhile, I have to pick out a grave marker and then try to pay for it.

I started blogging as a way to express myself. Now, it’s a way to escape myself.

If one more moron whines about my “negativity” or complains that I “hate on” people, I’m going to lose my fucking temper. You can’t hate “on” people. But I might have to learn how.

A new shop is coming to one of my favorite malls, called Intimacy. It’s a place where “experts” will help you select a bra, because even at your age, YOU DON”T KNOW YOUR OWN BRA SIZE.

That’s right, you are too stupid to choose your own bra. Oprah changed the world overnight by devoting a whole show to this phenomenon.  I saw it at 3 in the morning, and I’ll never forget how Oprah asked one woman if she could feel her boobs.  Anyway, we all learned that we were wrong about our chest measurements, and need to size down on chest size but UP on cup size. Okay, done!

But no, we’re just total fucking morons. Luckily Intimacy is here to help.

“Our bra fitters are experienced style and fit gurus. They’re passionate about uplifting women at all stages of life.  Trained in the {Intimacy}holistic  bra-fit process, they can help you achieve the comfort, fit and shape you desire.”

But I don’t know if I want a passionate fit guru to assess my boobs.  That’s a little too personal. But wait!

“You don’t have to feel shy or embarrassed during an {Intimacy} Bra Fitting. We take utmost care to protect your privacy and to honor your feelings.”

Eeeoow! Now I REALLY don’t want this service, unless the fitters are eunuchs or doctors.  Furthermore, you need to make an appointment, although walk-ins are welcome as long as you’re willing to wait up to 2 hours for your fitting.

Go check out the website. It’s fun to take their fit quiz, where they magically calculate your REAL bra size, which in my case turns out to be a 32-C. As if! Flattery won’t get me in there to wait two hours to get felt up by a eunuch.

This week’s award will have to be shared by the two authors of BleachBlack, a style blog that is rife with exclamations of fuck,  sick, dude, stoked, rad, killer, major, kickass, um, and all the other blogese we have come to expect from 20-something women who act like naughty schoolgirls.

Bleach and Black created a green nail polish called “Dickweed,” and that was just silly.

Now, they’ve come up with a new color called “Jizz,” a pearly-white that is modeled above by their pal Roomy, whom they slavishly mention at every opportunity.

Here’s the problem. It’s one thing to be a stupid would-be whore who manages to make money by posting photos of consumer goods and videos  with the caption “How amazing is this!” or “Hedi Slimane is a Genius!” It’s another thing to market nail polish called Jizz to their audience of clueless fashion girls.

Jizz? Dude. Is that like the coolest, funniest name for white nail polish, like ever?

I wouldn’t like to have to explain to my kids what jizz means. The whole idea is just sad. Why not spunk or smegma? I don’t like people who use the word jizz. They should use the word “come” but they don’t need to use it for nail polish. I think that in recent years, young girls have been giving out blowjobs with their phone numbers; the act has been downgraded from one of love and intimacy to a cheap party favor.

Nail polish called Jizz is an extention of that trend. It’s also a reminder of how the vernacular of porn has entered the everyday consciousness of the masses.

I resent BleachBlack for blighting my life with their lowbrow witlessness. Why did god make them? I hope you will join me in congratulating them for achieving the coveted Cunt of the Week™ award!

On the subject of Terry Richardson, here is blogger ‘Gnarlitude Jen’:

“If someone is uncomfortable in any situation, they have the fucking choice to say NO.
Sorry but this is a choice those models made. If he got naked and they weren’t having it, walk the fuck out. Otherwise, don’t complain about him later when you chose to be there. If your agency drops you because you didn’t want to suck him off, well then that’s that. Don’t give me none of this pussy shit. So now everyone reads all these ‘terrible stories and omg he’s such a bad guy’. Has no one seen his photos before? What’d they think was gonna happen? All good clean fun and maybe some prayer circle after?
So if a model gives him a hand job, did he force his dick in their hand? If they’re that hungry for fame that they’re willing to do whatever to get it, including sucking him off and then whining all over about it later then fuck them.”

First of all, she is fat, let’s just admit it. I saw her on TV with David Letterman, recalling how hurt she was when the tabloids called her “fat”.  Then she talked about her ex-boyfriends, and her new reality show.

Have you ever seen someone on TV who is so stupid that you want to cover your eyes? This is the true horror of Jessica Simpson. She brays loudly and inappropriately after making awkward jokes, all the time being fat. I had to turn away out of common decency.

Now I find that she’s involved with Billy Corgan, who wrote a song for her new show. I know how much everyone hates Billy Corgan but I love him!  Loved him, I guess. Why does he want Jessica Simpson?! Is it because she’s “sexual napalm?” Isn’t napalm a bad thing? And what if he wants a coherent conversation after the napalm?

I’m just depressed about the whole thing. And don’t tell me she’s not fat. She’s not fat like her awful sister didn’t have a nose job.

Mr. Palin responded to Obama’s speech last night with characteristic aplomb. I love her little head movements at around 1:28.  At around 5:03, we get “government takeover and mandation of healthcare.”

I also enjoyed the newly inflated lips!

P.S. The drinking word is disconnect.

There are too many names out there, and it’s getting way too hard to keep up. Who are these John and Kate people who are now having marital problems?

I saw one of them on TV last night, and she was sporting an old school Posh Spice asymmetrical hairdo. What is her point with that, can somebody fill me in? Is she married to a Hawaiian guy, and if so, why? Also, who do they have so many kids? Is it an Octomom kind of deal or just too much fertility drugs?

Also, who is Lauren Conrad? Pictures of her look just like Lindsay Lohan, right? Who is Audrina? Who is Tinsley Mortimer and for the love of god, who is Talor Momsen? I keep seeing these names as though I’m supposed to know who they are!  Oh wait, I know who Taylor Swift is, I think. Is she the girl who plays guitar but can’t sing?

I know who Heidi Montag is! She married some guy and everyone hates them. (I’m just proving that I know some of this shit.) And I know that Hayden Panti-something has an enormous head and looks  middle aged but is really quite young.

Are all of these people on the same TV series? Why are they all blond? Why do some of them have clothing lines while others don’t?

Oh no, one more just popped into my head…Whitney Port or Something Whitley? Make them Staaaaahp, Bethenny!

Speaking at a Right to Life banquet on Thursday night, Mrs P said she was energized about a lot of topics, including why more people should refuse federal stimulus dollars as she did.

Palin said, “We have legislators all around the country who have resolved to kind of go around their governors, that’s happening in my state, and accept that money anyways.”

(I LOVE a woman who says “anyways,” don’t you?)

At first, you assure yourself that no matter how pathetic you are, you would never stoop so low as to watch “Rock of Love,” because (a) You don’t watch Reality Shows, (b) You’ve always hated Bret Michaels, and (c) There are some things you Just Don’t Do.

Later, your husband develops a perverse fascination with “Rock of Love 3″ and you find yourself transfixed by the horror that is Bret Michaels’ face. Still later, you are enslaved by the unspeakably tawdry proceedings, and like a Roman at a vomitorium you lose all sense of shame.

As the series moves towards its conclusion, you are gratified that all the blonds have been kicked off the bus. It’s empowering for brunettes, if being a dumb whore willing to kiss the monstrous lips of Bret Michaels can be considered a good thing. Now there are two dumb whores left, the Girl Next Door and the Penthouse Pet.

Your husband has begun to turn to you and say: “I’m sorry, your tour ends here.” When you scream in anguish, he comes back with “Will you stay on the bus and rock my world?”

It’s beyond horrible. Everything about it is sickening and stupid. But you must know how things turn out!  Will it be Mindy, a moron from Kentucky who finally gets her moustache waxed in the final episode? Or will it be Taya, a steely pro with enormous tits and a husky smoker’s voice?

DUH!

My husband thought it would be Mindy, proving that deep down he’s an Incurable Romantic.

I figured it would be Taya, based on the old maxim that ‘A Penthouse Pet Outranks the Girl Next Door.’ Thank god I was right and thank god it’s over.

Oh dear! The Nostrilled One expands upon her appreciation of  homeless style :

“I was not meaning to demean homeless people whatsoever! I have actually talked to these homeless people. I’ve had conversations with them. It’s a choice that they’ve made. They don’t want to have a job. They enjoy being completely free. I’ll see people on the beach and aesthetically, they look awesome, and because it’s so uncontrived and uninhibited. I got a lot of heat for that. It wasn’t that I was like ‘Oh yeah, homeless people are so cool; it’s so cool to see people that are homeless looking cool.’ It’s the lack of complexity in the way that they dress and the fact that there’s no thought behind it whatsoever that’s so righteous. You know?”

Hahaha!  What a Fucking Cunt™!