Godammit, I’m Mad!

We can’t be through with Mrs. Palin until she gives us a little breathing room. I’m hopin’ that god will show her one of those doors she’s waitin’ for. She’ll snowplow her way through and then, oops, fall off a cliff. Meanwhile, Dick Cavett is still upset by her and so is Andrew Sullivan. Here, above, is a young Mrs. P at a moose-butchering party. Even then, she knew how to use her looks to distract everyone from the vacant cranial cavity.

I’ve recently found another gutsy gal to take an interest in. Grace Mugabe, the ‘Fist Lady’ of Zimbabwe, is known as an Imelda Marcos wannabe who shops till she drops in Paris and Rome while her country starves. She even had a mansion built in her honor and called it Graceland, but she got tired of it and sold it to Liberia.

Grace sounds like a real piece of work. Zimbabwe has an astronomical inflation rate and twenty per cent of its people are HIV positive. The average woman there lives to age 45 and has probably been raped. Grace herself is obsessed with Ferragamo shoes, quite naturally.

In the tradition of Imelda and Evita, though, she is not all bad. Here’s a news brief about how she donated twenty computers to Solusi University and pledged to fund two (that’s 2) scholarships for needy students. Ha! I’ve already “donated” nearly twenty computers to my teenager. Big fucking deal.  Notice her greeting a student named “Marvelous Bhebhe.” One day, Marvelous may lead a movement to remove Mrs. Mugabe and her husband from Zimbabwe.  If Marvelous wears an 8 narrow, she can keep the Ferragamos.

Oh dear, I thought I had my rant all in order until I checked out the Huffington Post just now. While Mrs. P prepared scrumptious mooseburgers for the family, Little Piper was walking around in high heels under her bootleg pants. Not mommy’s shoes, since they appeared to fit her nicely. Is this child abuse, or am I thinking about the fake Louis Vuitton handbag?

Either way, something’s not right. Poor little Piper admits that campaigning with her mom was really hard. When asked by Matt Lauer if she’d like mommy to run again in 2012, Piper doesn’t know. When mommy prompts her in a scary fake voice, Piper corrects herself. Sure, she’d love it!

Meanwhile, Trig is passed around like a hot potato, giving everyone in the kitchen a chance to show how nice it is to share the family mascot. Don’t drop him, Piper!

Earlier today, I watched the interview with whatshername, that Fox TV woman with the frozen face. Mrs. Palin scoffs at the bad press she’s received, blamin’ those bloggers who are “probably sittin’ in the basement of their parents’ home, wearin pajamas.”

Haha, Sarah, you nut! You must be thinkin’ of Wayne’s World. Lots of us Mean Bloggers have our own homes, and we’re wearing some ugly Sass and Bide Rats or maybe something from Neiman Marcus that we bought with our own Neiman Marcus card!

And then, she defends herself about the shopping extravaganza, saying the money had to cover clothes for eight people. So let’s see. Five kids, one husband. Oh! She must be including Levi, who wore a suit to the RNC and then went back to shit-kicking in the Ozarks or wherever.

Wasn’t I silly to think we’d get some relief from this motor-mouthed fruitcake?! Tomorrow, it’s Larry King, who will be rendered totally helpless when she winks at him.

Ugh! I hope Oprah hangs tough about banning Mrs. Palin from her show. Let’s all write to Oprah right now, begging her to stay the course.

Citing her right to privacy, Gov. Sarah Palin refused to say who she voted for after emerging from her polling place in Wasilla, Alaska.

That’s right, she wouldn’t say she voted for her own presidential ticket. We assume she did, but she stood on principle and wouldn’t say. She did say the secret ballot is one of the “cool” things about the U.S.

Hahaha! She can’t tell the truth about anything. God, I almost love her.

Goodbye, you stupid bitch. Close the door behind you. Let’s let Honeypants have the last word, since she found this beautiful picture that encompasses the entire story of Mrs. P.

‘HA! That same liberal Jew co-worker just got back from knocking on doors all morning in Hollygrove (the neighborhood of NOLA where Lil Wayne is from), and he said some old black man was crying and said “I never thought I’d live to see the day when a young white man came knocking on my door to tell me to vote for the young black man.” ‘

I love my new sunglasses and I want to take a moment to say, Are they awesome or are they awesome?

Instead of buying Luella’s batgirl sunglasses for $400, I have cleverly bought these for $7.99 from a Halloween store. They have UV protection and they’re great for driving.  If you need a pair, let me know.

Okay, now back to the stupidest woman ever privileged to walk god’s green earth. Mrs. P told Elizabeth Vargas of ABC news that if she loses the election, she won’t be wavin’ the white flag of surrender.

“I’m not doin’ this for naught,” were her exact words.

On no she di’int! Grandpa is gonna be maaaaaaad!

In an exclusive interview with Paul Bedard for the US News and World Report, Mrs. P casually quotes Plato:

“It’s like Plato said, ‘You learn more about someone in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.’ We’ve had people that Todd has ended up hiring [for his commercial fishing business] based on how they did out on a hunt or a snow machine ride with us to see if they are going to complain. Are they going to buck up and realize that you have to make the best of the circumstances you’re in? It’s a good kind of testing ground for people.”

And here I’ve been callin’ her stupid! No way! She not only knows her Plato, but she knows how to take the measure of a man by torturing him on a snow machine ride to see if he’s going to complain!

Many’s the time I’ve been out on a hunt or snow machine ride, out in the freezing cold, with no moose for miles around and a couple of nutcases wielding shotguns, and I have to admit that like the worthless pussy I am, I start to complain. I can’t even tell you how many commercial fishing jobs I’ve missed out on, not to mention beauty contests and runs for the VP of the United States!

In this same interview, she says she prefers to hunt caribou rather than moose, because: “it’s kind of more family oriented.” Well, duh, anyone knows that!

I don’t know, I’m so tired of all this and yet it’s like Plato said, I hate this awful woman and the dead moose she rode in on.

Also too, I was privileged to see for the first time on this great internet of ours, Sarah Palin’s flute performance in the talent portion of the Miss Wasilla Beauty Pageant. Happy to share it with ya’. On the same page is the evening gown segment! I’m sure she’s blaming the RNC or Grandpa himself for picking out that trashy sequined monstrosity.

PAP Smear members, one more week to go!

Nothing relieves the tension and agony of this election like a good laugh, and you can get your fill by watching these excerpts of an interview Mrs. P gave to some Christian Broadcasting guy. She probably thinks that only her fan-base will be listening to this bullshit but no ma’am, we at PAP Smear are here to share the joy.

Here, you can watch Mrs. P proclaim that she stands by the ‘terrorist’ crap she lobbed at Obama. Watch her hand movements. She’s either a hula dancer or it’s a secret code to The Faithful.

Here, she explains why she couldn’t didn’t answer Katie Couric’s question about newspapers. It is so full of shit, so boldly false and brazenly self-serving, you will want to smash her in the face.

Now I know I sound enraged and resentful, but guess what? It’s a disorder called Palin Derangment Syndrome, according to this essay. Elsewhere, I read that Jewish women are more likely to resent Mrs. than any other group. Why, I have no idea. I do know that Sandra Bernhard got in trouble for calling her a “Goy Whore.” I wish I’d thought of that first, but I’m a non-observant Jew so my mind forgets to go in that direction.

I know I’m fixated on this awful woman for reasons both rational and unconscious but I’m going with it in the fervent hope that it will be over on November 5th. Meanwhile, imagine getting a robocall from Sarah Palin….or listen to a real one!

Also too, as she herself would say, being a person who must connect everything with “Also too,” her official website as Governor of Alaska is absolutely hilarious. There’s a page about “The First Gentleman,” which now sounds stupider than the First Dude, given what we know about this dope.

My personal favorite is this letter to Trig. (It’s long, but full of Palinesque craziness.)

Dear Trig, Trig Paxson Van Palin. What a terrific name! Trig, we in Alaska are so proud to have you in our Alaskan family. I look forward to seeing you grow into a fine young man. You are definitely blessed to be born into a family that has lots of love to give to you, your sisters, and brother. I don’t know your mom and dad personally, although I have gotten a couple of photos with your mom and have talked casually with your dad. They wouldn’t know me from Adam (or should I say Eve). Because your mom and dad are in the spotlight, we Alaskans feel we know them‚ and are proud of what we see. And‚ because of that, we had the pleasure of knowing when you were born. Even though your mom is Governor, I see she’s a regular person. I was getting out of my car in Wasilla, and who should get out of the car next to me? Your mom. And do you know what she was doing? Picking up her own cleaning from the dry cleaners. Now, how many governors would do that? She’s a person that’s very smart, but still is a regular person. I’m sure you already know how much your mom and dad love you. I’m also sure you know how important your sisters and brother are and that they love you also. That love is what’s going to make your life a good life. Trig, the most important thing I see in your life is that your mom and dad know the Lord, Jesus personally. How wonderful for you to be born into a Christian family! I hope and pray that as you get older, you will follow in your parents’ footsteps and find the Lord, Jesus as your best friend. Take care, Trig! It’s been nice talking to you! Very sincerely—Jan, Wasilla

Jan, not to freak you out or anything, but Mrs. Palin is refusing to make her medical records public. Maybe you should take it up with the Lord.  Very sincerely, Sister Wolf.

Tonight I went to see my Living Idol, Patti Smith, and as always it was a transcendent experience.

To top it off, I came upon this kindred spirit, who was nice enough to pose with me.  My nephew was wearing his official PAP Smear T-shirt, too!

Doesn’t the cunt-guy look familiar?? We feel we’ve seen him somewhere. Cunt-guy, if you read this, report to PAP Smear headquarters immediately.

Let’s all thank the amazing Susan for finding this delightful image.  Susan is the one to go to when you want to know what’s going on, or what’s cool.

Then, while you’re enjoying the guilty verdict in Troopergate, find a moment to watch this enlightening video that outlines Mrs. P’s flip-flopping on “transparency”. It includes an audio tape of Mrs. Palin’s aide issuing a threat to a State Trooper Official.

That bitch couldn’t be more guilty if she shot that poor trooper and served him for dinner.  Her husband is guilty too, even if there’s no law against acting as your wife’s hit-man. Todd Palin is a simpleton and a bully but he’s no match in either department for his crazy, duplicitous wife.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I was so excited tonight, I forgot to put the new ice cream in the freezer. I now have a half-gallon of melted Limited Edition Dreyer’s Apple Pie ice cream to commemorate this historic victory for justice and sanity!

I’ve listened to  Mrs. P at two separate campaign rallies, yesterday and today, answering questions about how she intends to keep her promise of being a friend to moms with special needs kids. Each time, she said that she would “make it a priority” in the schools. She would pay for this not by raising spending, but by “prioritizing.”

Somehow, I’m not convinced that she has a plan. I did read that she has a full-time babysitter for Trig on her payroll. Bless her heart!

I have also been so privileged as to read about Track Palin’s mysterious trip to Michigan to finish high school.  It’s because he and 3 other boys were arrested in 1985 for vandalizing some school buses while they were drunk. Believe me, I have spent hours reading about this and there is no doubt in my mind that this is why he enlisted in the armed forces instead of pursuing his ambition to be a professional hockey player.  It’s actually a pretty fascinating cover up.

Frankly, I am sick to death of Mrs. Palin but I am duty bound to hunt her down like the wolves she likes to shoot from helicopters.  By tomorrow, we’ll hear some kind of verdict in Troopergate, but I already know that nothing will stop this crazy bitch, nothing.  Read this and then drink yourself to sleep.

Meanwhile, I have been honored with a request from K-line to list six of my quirks. I’m not sure if these are quirks but here you go:

1. I still sleep with a blankie only it’s a shirt, named Shirty.
2. I scream when I rub my eyes, involuntarily. The Eye-Rubbing Scream still alarms my husband.
3. I’m afraid to drive on freeways.
4. I like to plan and carry out elaborate vendettas.
5. I love to dance to disco music.
6. I cross myself when I hear something dreadful, even though I’m an atheist Jew.

Now I’m supposed to tag a bunch of people and some other stuff but I’m too tired and need to go watch Nancy Grace.

People, what is there to say? I know we are all still feeling hung-over from the “debate.” By now we all have discussed our favorite moments with friends and loved ones. The winks and nose-wrinkling. The doggone it. The Say it ain’t so, Joe. The kitchen table was invoked so often, it should have been allowed to have its own podium.

And what about the Castro Brothers? I have never heard that term in my life. The Castro Brothers? Did Grandpa make that one up for her? Was she really trying to say The Coen Brothers? Didn’t they make “Fargo,” where she got that accent from? Am I on to something, people?!

Let’s redouble our efforts to bring down this loathsome imbecile. Someone will have to research the entire Coen Brothers catalogue, to see if there are more code words we are missing.

Also, we need someone to compile a glossary of Palinspeak. “Maverick” clearly means “nuts” but I’m a little shaky on the rest of it.

We need to find out where Palin’s top lip went. Where the hell is it? I see the tattooed lipliner, yes, but where is the lip itself? Did she give it to the Pig, or is that something else? Help me, people, I cannot do this alone.

When Biden got all teary eyed, Mrs. Palin was like a block of ice. From that good state of Alaska, so near to Putin’s rearing head. A colder woman would be hard to imagine. I think she verified her steely heartlessness when she was finally passed the family mascot, poor little Trig, who was somehow sound asleep. She hit him on the back, over and over, even though sleeping infants DON’T NEED TO BURP! She finally succeeded in waking him up, the better to show off his little “Special Needs” features.

This bitch must die. I’m not advocating violence, no no no no. No sirree bob, heck no. But neither am I waving the white flag of surrender. When I say she should die, I am merely giving a shout out to the third grade. Hi, kids! Extra credit if you kill that mean Church Lady!

What was I saying again? Oh, never mind, I don’t have to follow a format, I want to speak directly to the people. People, would you like to see me keep on fighting this fight, or would you rather see more diversity here? I believe I used to have more on my mind. Perhaps I should try to access that other area of my dwindling brain.

*Also, you can now reach me at Sisterwolf666@gmail.com if you need to contact me. If you want to be on my blogrolll thing, let me know.