Godammit, I’m Mad!

After initially dismissing the HBO vampire series “True Blood” as cartoonish, I am now completely hooked. The most recent episode was truly disgusting, wasn’t it?! Watching Tara and Eggs eat the you-know-what (not a spoiler!!) I was close to gagging.

What a great show! All the hunky gayness and intensity of Six Feet Under without the painful insights and lingering grief.

One of the scariest aspects of True Blood is its portrait of crazy, fear-mongering Christians. The characters are over the top, yes, but no more so than the lunatics we are seeing on the news every day, warning about Obama’s “Death Panels” and killing innocent children and grandmas.

Mrs. Palin has been one of the most vocal of the right wing fear-mongers, once again exploiting that poor little Trig instead of getting him the services he needs. Her ceaseless squawking about Death Panels and euthanasia has prompted reporters to look into her own policies on health-care as Governor of Alaska. Sure enough, Mrs. Palin was in favor of providing ‘end-of-life’ counseling, the very same measure she now finds so deplorable.

Sarah, you ignorant slut, when will you learn to keep your mouth shut and stop makin’ things up?!  The video below reminds us how art imitates life in the case of True Blood’s fanatical Fellowship of the Sun.  It also reminds us to fear ignorance more than hunky vampires.

Mrs. P and her Goon Squad are now turning their wrath upon a blogger who posted the alleged rumor that she’s planning to get a divorce. Here’s what her lawyer sent to the author of  ImmoralMinority: (click for full size)

Notice that the lawyer, Thomas Van Flein, threatens to serve the blogger with a summons at the kindergarten where he works.

What a fucking baby this lawyer is! Is there nothing too low for these cretins?!? Now the pro-Palin blogs are going nuts with glee over “outing” this dedicated blogger (who calls himself Gryphen) as though being a kindergarten teacher is some kind of embarrassing crime.  Some fucker at a blog called Texas for Sarah Palin is gloating about this letter and calls Gryphen a “beast,” noting that “we wouldn’t want such a creature shaping the minds of our precious offspring!”

Poor Gryphen. These stupid fuckers are trying to bully him into apologizing for starting a rumor on the internet. Why don’t they remember that Mrs. Palin JUST SAID in her resignation speech that our troops are fighting in Iraq to PROTECT OUR FREEDOM OF SPEECH!

Obviously, there is no way that Gryphen could be found guilty of slander, but with enough effort these cunts can mess up his life and maybe even get him fired. I want to salute this man for teaching kindergarten and still having the energy to fight the scourge of evil and ignorance that is Sarah Palin.

Tell this cunt here that you support Gryphen’s freedom of speech. Tell Gryphen that you’ve got his back.

I insist on my right to call that stupid bitch anything I want, and Mr. Van Flein can kiss my ass. In fact, so can Todd, when the divorce is final!

Visit Anti-Palin

Back in 1995, Mrs. Palin was a real hoochie, as you can see in this video. Lots of eyeliner, big hoop earrings, snapping her gum, she almost looks like a chola, and that is a huge complement.  No wonder she’s such a mean-spirited bitch! Losing your youth is a hard pill to swallow.

What I like even more about this video is Todd’s face. He appears to have some rugged pitted acne scars, which are now missing. Has anyone researched the missing acne scars??

I think it’s time to add Todd’s Face-gate to the Babygate, Housegate and Troopergate inquiries.

Mrs. Palin’s longtime hair stylist, Jessica Steele, is in deep shit.

After telling the New York Times that Mrs. P’s hair was thinning and needed emergency help, she retracted this bombshell on Twitter, obviously afraid for her life and the safety of her family.

Not wishing to be busted for running a meth lab, Ms. Steele now tells the Boston Globe that the real emergency re Palin’s hair is that it had lost its shine.

“I think [it's] the combination of traveling and just being down there in the lower 48. We needed to get her back to shiny.’

She reveals that she trimmed Mrs. Palin’s hair and then “kicked up’’ her shampoo and conditioner a notch.

According to Ms. Steele, who will have to retract this ASAP if she knows what’s good for her, Mrs. Palin left the salon with a bottle of shampoo and conditioner by the elitist socialist brand Pureology, at $48 each.

Looking into our Magic PAP-Smear Crystal Ball™, I see trouble brewing for everyone concerned in this Hairgate fiasco.   Mrs. P will not be able to justify spending that kind of money on hair products to those real Americans who share her real American values and want to progress this great country with its vast energy resources and healthy salmon, etc etc.

She will have to either blame this on her PAC fund or maybe on some blogger just sittin’ home in their stained undershirt [I was described this way be a conservative blog that didn’t like my use of the word “cunt’ for some reason.)

Or Jessica Steele will mysteriously disappear. Run, Jessica Steele, run like the wind!

While we await the next Hairgate development, let us enjoy the fact that Pureology proudly supports Global Green USA, good friends of the Sister Wolf family who operate under the assumption that global warming actually exists and isn’t just a Liberal Media concoction like evolution.

On an even more personal note: Haha Mrs. Palin, I live in one of the lower 48 and my hair is shiny AND thick!

Here is Mrs. Palin, just days after her resignation, preparing a baby for human sacrifice.  Mrs. P is marking the spot where the giddy mother will cut the heart out for the Unholy Offering.

Oh fine.  Maybe I’m just hallucinating. Maybe it’s perfectly normal to autograph a baby while its head hangs upside down and someone digs their nails into its arm to hold it still.

But after refreshing my memory with some blogs that still hope to uncover the truth about Trig’s birth, I have to wonder if I’m the only one with this theory: Mrs. Palin was hoping to lose her baby, but despite her best efforts, he survived.

Wait! Hear me out!

Le’s say you were a bible-spouting “pro-life” Christian who was genuinely opposed to abortion under any circumstances. Then, you find yourself pregnant at 43, carrying a baby with Down Syndrome. You already have 4 kids, two who are clearly on the road to big trouble. You are pursuing a political career and it’s really taking off.

What can you do? You could hide your pregnancy, even from your children and your staff. Maybe somehow God will step in and let you have a miscarriage.

When God doesn’t jump in, you stay busy, jogging and acting like you’re not pregnant. You don’t tell your kids or your staff. Maybe you can still miscarry your unexpected and unwanted baby.

Finally, as luck would have it, your water breaks while you’re giving a speech in Texas. Great! You decide to fly back to Alaska, where someone can help you out, like your discreet private doctor. When your plane lands, shit, the baby still seems okay. So you drive to Wasilla, taking 5 more hours, still hoping to lose the baby.

In the end, your baby is born healthy, even though he is premature. What can you do except send everybody a funny letter about your very special baby, and sign it: “Trig’s Creator, Your Heavenly Father.”

“Let’s not all start sucking each other’s dicks just yet, gentleman.” ~ The Wolf,  Pulp Fiction

I know how shocked you are by Mrs. Palin’s announcement today, so I’m going to share the inside scoop.

Yes, she was tweaking on meth. Levi’s mom forgot to tell her how good this batch was, so it wasn’t Mrs. P’s fault. Nothing is ever her fault.

Yes, she asked her kids whether she should resign, and yes, there were four votes of Yes and one “Hell yeah!” Trig swears like a sailor at his young age, but it’s not Mrs. P’s fault. It’s Todd. That dude is all Motherfucker this and Motherfucker that. Naturally, Trigg likes to imitate Grandpa Todd.

Yes, Mrs. P. admitted she was “wired” differently. That’s not her fault! I personally am wired funny. I bump into things and I can’t do arithmetic. So what, I’m still a valuable citizen of this great country of ours.

Yes, she misattributed a military quote to Gen. Douglas MacArthur, but that’s not her fault. She told Piper to look it up and Piper got it wrong. It won’t happen again, believe me.

Yes,  she said that the world needs “more Trigs.” She didn’t mean that Trig should be cloned. God is against cloning! Cloning is science! What she meant was, “I plan to hide behind my developmentally disabled child whenever I need to deflect criticism.” See? It’s pro-life.

Here’s the thing. Sometimes, you have to lead by quitting. Like in basketball, Kobe Beef or whatever his name is, might ensure his team’s victory by walking off the court in the middle of the game.  That’s a sports analogy. Or if you’re fishing, you might cut bait to catch the fish.  That’s like a popular saying in Alaska, you probably don’t get it, but it totally makes sense.

It’s a bold, bold move. The fun is only just beginning.

Listen to Mrs. Palin’s reaction to David Letterman’s joke about her buying make-up at Bloomingdale’s to update her “slutty flight-attendant look.”

Oh, Mrs. P, he didn’t mean Bloomingdale’s literally! Now I’m wondering if she’s even capable of finding her way around the Bloomie’s cosmetics department.

Isn’t it fun to have her around again? I wish that if she gives up her bid for the presidency, someone will appoint her our Poet Laureate! She could write poems about the First Dude, she could rhyme Bristol with “pistol,” I don’t know, I just really see it working out well for this great nation of ours.

There is a $35,000 stipend that she could use to buy some closed-toe shoes OR to get a baby sitter for that poor little Trig.

Mrs. Palin gave a speech the other day, appearing with her new BFF, Michael Reagan, who is one unhinged windbag.

I know it’s distasteful, and also too it’s scary, but if you can gather your strength for a  few minutes,  listen to the audio recording over here, and read about it here. The sound of her voice brings back the whole election nightmare…. and launches a new one.

This bitch is so fucking crazy, and as stupid as the Alaskan summer solstice is long. Be afraid.

* Thanks to Palingates for the lipstick (on a pitbull) collage.

Even though Mrs. Palin has an Agenda against me (see above) I am big-hearted enough to want to help Bristol, who is innocent of sin, mostly.

According to reports, Bristol and Levi have split up, and it isn’t pretty. His sister Mercede tells the sordid tale to The Star, conveniently forgetting to explain why her name is lacking the customary ’s’ at the end of it.

Bristol doesn’t want anything more to do with Levi. Looking at this photo from The Star, I’m not surprised. The baby looks terrified, and rightly so. A man who has to tattoo his last name on his arm in huge block letters is a man with either a memory problem or a spelling problem.  Wait, I think the spelling problem is genetic!

Okay, it’s up to us to devise a plan for Bristol, now that she’s a single mom. Here are my ideas:

1. Bristol can sell her book “My Mom is a Cunt Who Ruined My Life” for $10 mil.
2. Bristol can run away and change her name, leaving Trip with Trig, Track, etc.
3. Bristol can move in with me and we’ll get our high school diplomas together.
4. Bristol can run the Johnston meth lab with Levi’s mother while Levi heads back into the woods to do whatever it is he does.

Which plan do you support, or is there a batter one? Please help Bristol, who didn’t know nothin’ ’bout condoms or birthin’ babies!

Yesterday, my friend Suebob notified me that a meme was spreading throughout bloggerdom, called “Grace in 5 things.” She told me to google it. The idea is that everybody post a daily list of five things they are grateful for. For a year.

Let me just say, I am plenty grateful for not being a midget and many many other blessings. But five things a day is just too much. Plus, I really don’t want to know what five things anyone is grateful for, every single day.

But people like to jump aboard whatever bandwagon comes their way, I guess. So therefore I am proposing something much easier and more fun: the Blogger Pajama Party.

In a tribute to Mrs. Palin, we should all set aside one day to blog in our pj’s, and to post photos. Above, you can see my nice warm pj’s that I acquired from my friend Jane. Thank you, Jane! They were a present for my son, in the wrong size. On the day of the Party, I’ll wear my Other pair of Pj’s, with little tattoo thingies on them.

Okay, so, are we on for the Blogger Pajama Party? How about Feb. 13, because it falls on a Friday, so it’s bound to be lucky.

I am looking forward to seeing David Duff in his Long Johns. Maybe Juri will wear a negligee if he doesn’t have pj’s.

Remember: Any blogger worth a damn is wearing pajamas, if not actually living in his or her parents’ basement!

Let me know if you’re in, and pass it on.