Godammit, I’m Mad!

A company called SRANGEBEAUTIFUL has come up with some sets of nail polish designed to appeal to the Proustian-minded among us.

“….a range of 10 diaphanous veils of wildly haunting colors with inspiration ranging from the vampiric gradations of a healing bruise; the moody rusts of menstrual blood; sooty, phantasmal India ink; the profile of a gray blue Heron scooping fish against a background of gooey river runoff and the apocalyptic color palette of Medieval Flemish paintings. Visceral and private, each shade cloaks the finger in an aqueous film of color for an effect that is strange, beautiful, and impossible to forget.”

Hahahahaha! Isn’t that fantastic???? Other sets are avilable, each absurdly pretentious.

I like how this set includes the color “Menstrual Last Day.” Hopefully they have “First Day of Menstruation” in one of the other sets.

I love colors and the names for colors. I loved my box of crayola crayons as much for the names as the actual colors. When Max was little, we deferred to his acute appreciation of color by showing him something of indeterminate hue and asking him, “What do you call this color, Max?” He would take a moment to consider and say something like, “I call it tan.”

In the spirit of STRANGEBEAUTIFUL, I want to invent my own set of nail polish colors:

Cubism
Gruyere
Still Spotting
Hep C
Wittgenstein
Virgin Birth
Mishima Cultist Coral
Clogged Drain
Hypothermia Blue

Have a look at the nail polish here.  $85 per set.

And contribute your own colors if you are so inclined!

Here is Chanel’s new red nail polish, “Pirate.” It was $23 plus tax.

This is what is looks like after one week. It is the shittiest nail polish ever. Ever. Don’t fall for it! Get some cheap brand from a beauty supply shop instead.

Because of this outrage, Karl Lagerfeld is Cunt of the Week™.

This RAFW backstage photo from Ellery is beautiful, isn’t it? The nail polish put me over the edge. See more of Ellery SS2010-11 from SusieB or here at FrockShop.

This week’s award will have to be shared by the two authors of BleachBlack, a style blog that is rife with exclamations of fuck,  sick, dude, stoked, rad, killer, major, kickass, um, and all the other blogese we have come to expect from 20-something women who act like naughty schoolgirls.

Bleach and Black created a green nail polish called “Dickweed,” and that was just silly.

Now, they’ve come up with a new color called “Jizz,” a pearly-white that is modeled above by their pal Roomy, whom they slavishly mention at every opportunity.

Here’s the problem. It’s one thing to be a stupid would-be whore who manages to make money by posting photos of consumer goods and videos  with the caption “How amazing is this!” or “Hedi Slimane is a Genius!” It’s another thing to market nail polish called Jizz to their audience of clueless fashion girls.

Jizz? Dude. Is that like the coolest, funniest name for white nail polish, like ever?

I wouldn’t like to have to explain to my kids what jizz means. The whole idea is just sad. Why not spunk or smegma? I don’t like people who use the word jizz. They should use the word “come” but they don’t need to use it for nail polish. I think that in recent years, young girls have been giving out blowjobs with their phone numbers; the act has been downgraded from one of love and intimacy to a cheap party favor.

Nail polish called Jizz is an extention of that trend. It’s also a reminder of how the vernacular of porn has entered the everyday consciousness of the masses.

I resent BleachBlack for blighting my life with their lowbrow witlessness. Why did god make them? I hope you will join me in congratulating them for achieving the coveted Cunt of the Week™ award!

Here is a beautiful 3-pack Nail Lacquer Set called “Celebrate” by the Lippman Collection.  I’m wearing Superstar (“show-stopping copper-flecked fudge glitter”). You also get a sheer black with a subtle sparkle, and a Ruby Slipper color called Ruby Red Slippers.

It’s only available at Nordstrom for $35, but if you use your Nordstrom charge card like I did, then it’s free.

I’d been reading how this new spring nail color by Chanel was an absolute Must, destined to sell out before you could say “Fashion Victim.”

So when I came upon a display case of it at a trendy Neiman Marcus spin-off called Cusp, I grabbed a bottle and felt the rush of triumph of a hopelessly brainwashed competitive shopper. I’ve got my Blue Satin, ha ha, the rest of you can wander around in the desert, looking for your bottle.

If only the formula wasn’t so goopy, but that’s Chanel for you: Crap. It’s 19 bucks but some of the nice people at ebay are already selling it for $45.