Godammit, I’m Mad!

AS IF!

This has got to be the most outrageous damage-control move in the history of publicists. Imagine being at the meeting where this story was hatched.

“Okay, we’ve got to change the narrative about Sandra, asap! The Nazi stories are killing us!”

“Yeah, this really sucks. If we don’t move quickly, Sandy will be strapped forever with the Cheating Nazi Husband image and that’s gonna sink her in the end. People are already saying that she must have known about Jesse.”

“Shit.”

“Wait! I have an idea.”

“Fire away!”

“Well, it’s kind of crazy, but it just might work. Let’s say that Sandra has an adopted baby…”

“Naw, people will smell spin-control if she adopts now.”

“Right. But let’s say SHE ALREADY HAS AN ADOPTED BABY! She’s been keeping it secret, though.”

“But why would she do that?”

“Oh, who cares. Just hear me out. Not only a baby, but a BLACK BABY!”

“Jesus.”

“Listen, think about it! This will change the Sandra Bullock narrative overnight! No one will give a shit about the Nazi husband and the strippers.”

“Oh man,  it’s a no brainer! Genius! Call Sandy and then get someone to go track down a baby and make sure it’s black.”

“Haiti?”

“Too slow. Go local.”

A friend sent me to this story about Max Mosley, head of Formula One racing and the FIA, who was caught having a five-hour tryst with a bunch of hookers who helped him to play out his Nazi fantasies. The writing in this piece is particularly funny. Achtung! Go there now.

A few days ago, I was upset to learn that the fashion line Hugo Boss had designed and manufactured Nazi Uniforms during WWII. Just when I had become a fan of Hugo Boss! Shit. I went into a Hugo Boss store in San Francisco and loved the classic but feminine suits and dresses. Never mind, I’ll get over it, there must be tons of designers out there who weren’t Nazi collaborators.

And speaking of Nazi collaborators, since Coco Chanel was a big ass-kisser to Hitler and a Nazi enthusiast in general, I’m going to stop coveting Chanel. Chanel has only brought me misery, nearly getting me kicked off eBay for trying to sell genuine Chanel jewelry, and then foisting upon me a $1,400 handbag that had to be repaired every six months. Look, here it is!